Author: SilentG
Title: Finding Wonderful
Fandom: LO:CI
Pairing: B/A
Rating: M
Spoilers: Not really.
Archive: Anywhere – no need to ask – just attribute, and let me know if possible
Disclaimer: Not mine
Summary: Goren's afraid Nicole was right… a normal life isn't for him. During the season of miracles, three unhelpful Christmas imps help him decide for himself. Ch. 4 earns the M rating & then some.

A/N 1: This is a fic for the ci_fans_unite livejournal community Xmas fic-a-thon. My prompt was "The Most Wonderful Time of the Year". The song seems a bit ironic, so the fic is angsty but with a happy ending. Chapter 4 is very M. The sequel to this fic is already up on … it's called "Kiss Me Kate".

~.~.~.~.~

CHAPTER ONE: BOY WONDERS

She looked so beautiful tonight. Alex was sparkly, both inside and out, flushed and smiling and laughing out loud. Bobby sat by the Christmas tree watching her, the buzz and hum of her family and the eggnog not fully muting the two intrusive thoughts hammering him: One, he was in love with Alex; and Two, he didn't think he was cut out for this.

o.o.o.o.o

"Hey, I think I'm going to go, um, head over to Jim an Angie's." Bobby stood in the kitchen behind Alex with his hands discreetly on her waist. He felt her strain to turn in his arms, then stop herself… their relationship was new, and they weren't exactly trumpeting it from the rooftops; both of them were a bit cautious, a bit hesitant, although to Bobby's surprise, Alex seemed more at ease with the idea of… them… than he was. That notwithstanding, to Alex's family and friends, he was there as her partner and friend only, not as her (almost) lover.

"Oh. OK," she said in her husky voice that made his cock twitch. They'd been going very slowly with the physical part of their intimacy; Bobby'd not yet been inside her. He hadn't wanted to go that far until they were both sure. Alex seemed very willing, eager even, but he… well, he wasn't sure.

They'd discussed going to Jim and Angie's after the early Christmas Eve dinner at her parents' house – Bobby hadn't particularly wanted to visit his former boss at such a busy time, but he'd known he'd need a way out of Alex's family gathering. There was no way around it: he didn't like her family, and he felt deeply uncomfortable around them.

Why? He'd asked himself many times. It wasn't only that they mostly weren't terribly keen on him, or that his need to avoid doing anything to earn their ire exhausted him. If he were honest, it pricked him to be faced with something that Alex needed so much, that she fitted into so easily. And yet… not. He was uneasy in the face of the compromises she seemed to make on a regular basis to fit in and avoid conflict, particularly with her siblings and their spouses. She seemed both more and less herself in their presence.

"Um, OK. Will I see you later?" She'd pulled away from him and turned. Her face was upbeat and carefully neutral, but he knew she was disappointed. And worried. Truthfully, he'd given her reason to be insecure about her place in his life; and he couldn't reassure her, not right now.

"Probably not." He looked away as she nodded stoically. "I think I'll just head back to my place. I'll see you tomorrow or maybe Saturday. OK?"

"OK. Drive carefully." Her wistful voice followed him as he turned away.

O.O.O.O.O

"Bobby, there you are! I've been looking all over for you." Jimmy Deakins clasped Bobby around the shoulders and laughed in his ear; the ex-Captain's cheeks were rosy, and there was a thin sheen of sweat on his brow. "Brenda, this is Robert Goren. The best investigator I've ever known. I call him every month with a job offer, but he'd rather work for the Eff .Bee. Eye." Jimmy paused to laugh again, and Bobby stood and extended a hand to the lovely Brenda. "Brenda's the head of Legal at the firm; I've been wanting to get you two together for ages."

Bobby smiled as he shook her hand. "Very nice to meet you, Brenda."

Jimmy and Angie's party was in full swing even though it was only 8:30, and the booze was flowing like water in the hot, crowded atmosphere. Jimmy was buzzed, but Bobby had switched to cranberry and soda after one drink. His arrival at the party had caused quite a stir, and he'd been paraded around with all the pomp of a prodigal son. Jimmy's family was still happy, healthy and beautiful, and he'd enjoyed meeting the older man's friends and colleagues.

"It's great to finally meet you too, Robert. Believe me, you're a celebrity at the office; everyone knows all about your exploits."

Bobby felt very flattered, and charmed. It made him feel good to know that his old friend and boss still thought so highly of him, and having his beautiful co-workers gushing over him like this wasn't bad either. "Um, thanks Brenda. It really wasn't much, we were just doing our jobs."

Jimmy left them alone, muttering something about mingling. Bobby chatted pleasantly with Brenda a bit more, fetching them both fresh drinks and following her to a quiet corner of the living room. Bobby found himself looking at his watch. 9:30. What was Alex doing? He thanked Brenda for the pleasant conversation and went to find his old Captain.

o.o.o.o.o

"So, whaddayathink?"

Bobby was sitting in one of the comfortable club chairs in Jimmy's office, nursing a Glenlivet just to be polite. He was glad of the quiet, and of the opportunity to really talk to his old boss. He held Jimmy Deakins in very high regard, and he realised after he got here tonight that Jimmy was exactly the person he needed to speak to, to try to work out the conflicting thoughts and feelings that were hindering him from going any further with Alex. After a few minutes of shooting the breeze, he'd felt ready to broach the subject.

"About what?" Bobby chuckled a bit as he asked. Jimmy was definitely buzzed, rambling a bit in their conversation, and demonstrating a slightly skewed remembrance of some of their adventures at 1PP.

"Brenda." Jimmy punctuated her name with a wagging of his eyebrows.

"She's… nice. She's very, um, nice."

"I'm glad you made it tonight. She's been wanting to meet you for a while."

"Undoubtedly because you led her to believe that I single-handedly fought corruption and kept the entire 5 boroughs safe." Bobby was flattered, but a little bit irked, by the intimation.

"Only because it was true."

He shook his head. "You know it wasn't."

Jimmy rambled on. "I gave her your number, but I think she'd like you to call her."

"Call?" He was genuinely confused for a second. "Who?"

Jimmy grinned. "Brenda. Isn't that who've we've been talking about this whole time?"

Yeah, it was. And now he'd be able to broach the subject he'd really wanted to discuss with his former boss. 'Um thanks, Cap, er… But actually I'm – dating someone. Alex." It felt scary saying the words; in the weeks since their first overtures towards each other, their relationship had felt unreal to him. This was making it real.

"Alex?" Jimmy Deakins stared at him dumbly, not a shred of comprehension in his watery eyes.

Bobby shifted. "Eames. Alex Eames."

o.o.o.o.o

A half hour later, Bobby stumbled out of the Deakins's house, shaken. He hadn't even said goodbye to Angie, Brenda, or anyone. Brenda. He wasn't going to be calling her, and he admonished Jimmy in no uncertain terms to not encourage her to call him. He dearly hoped his former boss would remember.

He sat behind the wheel of his car, not trusting himself to drive, he was in such turmoil. The conversation with Jimmy had not gone the way he'd imagined.

"Alex Eames? Your partner? Why?"

Why? Of all the questions… "Well, um…" Bobby hadn't been prepared, and he choked on the words… Because it's the only way anything makes sense. Because no-one else understands. Because it isn't that easy. Because we love each other.

"I mean I know you two were very tight, but… she just really never seemed your type."

What followed became more and more surreal. He'd expected to be berated by his old boss for sullying the pristine Alexandra Eames, for starting something his track record indicated he surely wouldn't be finishing. Instead he'd been told that he could do a lot better.

"The past few years have been hard for you, Bobby. I think you lost your way a bit." Bobby nodded… yes, he had. "Just because you lost your confidence for a while doesn't mean you need to…" In fairness to Jimmy, he hadn't actually said the word 'settle'. "I mean, during your good years, the kinds of women you dated – they were more like…" Brenda. "Polished, professional. Beautiful." Bobby tried to explain that he'd never been happy with that particular 'type', that he'd never felt like himself with any woman other than Alex. That his 'good years' had been all the years he'd had her, any way he could. He tried to explain how lonely it was, being in a relationship with someone who had no idea who he was. Being afraid, with good reason, of showing his true self.

Jimmy didn't get it, and Bobby found himself getting testy.

"I mean Bobby, some of the women you dated… I mean…"

"What, Cap? You mean what? That you couldn't pull tail like that, and that's why you chose Angie? Is that what this is about, Jimmy? You pimping me out to Brenda because you have a hankering for her yourself?"

Jimmy grunted and bristled. "That's offensive. Don't profile me, my boy. I deserve better than that."

"Then do me the same courtesy, Captain."

"I just want you to be happy. And latching yourself to your nursemaid of ten years out of pity or familiarity or a crisis of confidence isn't happiness."

Bobby felt his heart plummet. "Nursemaid?" He felt his voice rising to an outraged squeak. "Is that what you think? Thought? I don't know who I should be more offended for, Alex or myself."

To Jimmy's credit, he seemed to regret his exclamation. "I'm sorry, Bobby. Of course that's not what I meant. But you have to admit that you leaned on her a lot."

I thought I needed her to do the job. But really we needed each other. And our need for each other outstripped and outlasted the job. Because ultimately, it wasn't about the job.

The words ran through Bobby's head over and over, but he couldn't make his lips move. All the while, Jimmy kept talking. Too serious… Bourgeois... Plain… Hold you back…

Bobby shook his head and stood up… he needed to get out of there, before he punched his old Captain, or worse, before what he was saying started making sense. Jimmy's words made Bobby's head spin, especially what he'd murmured in Bobby's ear as he walked the big man out. "Don't mistake familiarity and dependence for intimacy and love."

~.~.~.~.~

A/N 2: Sorry it's been so long since I posted. I was working on this and several other Xmas-themed fics. Also, it's a really busy time for me for work. But I'm still around! Still enthused about the fandom, still working on my WIPs. Please review!

WORDS: 1987 UPLOADED Saturday, December 25, 2010