Mystery Gamer Theater 3000
In a not to distant future
Somewhere in between TR1 and 5
Lara and her worthless friends,
Were caught in a nasty place
Lalala
Natla put them in the farthest of the Artics
To let them suffer and mock bad fics
They're there because Lara is an annoyer
And she went and offed her employer
"I'll send them cheesy stories."
"The worse I can find!"
"They'll have to sit and read them all,
and I'll monitor their minds!"
Lalala
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the torture begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity with the help of
Powerful drug-esque friends
Oddly named peoples Roll Call
Jeeves (he has the camera, and the vocabulary of a terrier with it's mouth tied shut)
Darc'i (Wheeeee! I'm a puppet! Lara: No you aren't. Darc'I: Oh.)
Regina (I want my Advil!)
If your wondering how they're still alive
Just remember to breathe and close your eyes
It really just still a stupid show
And you should really just relax
Mystery Gamer Theater 3000!
Lara, Darc'i, and Regina are sitting in a living room, sitting on beanbag chairs, which are situated around the room. There is a TV in one corner with a few different counsels around it. Regina and Darc'I are sitting on the now carpeted floor in front of it playing Perfect Dark. Lara is off in a corner reading from a heavy volume. You can see the table with buttons shoved off to one side and covered with living roomy things. Everything is just looking homier. A doorbell is heard faintly.
Lara: (looking up from her book) Hey...did you guys hear something?
Regina: (over the explosions from the game) WHAT?
The bell is heard again
Lara: ...h-holy crap...could that be...?
Darc'I: (turns off the game) Huh?
Lara: (flinging herself up out of the chair and out of the room) DOORBELL!!!
Regina and Darc'I look at each other briefly in wide-eyed shock before flying after her. Cut to a long hallway where the three women are shoving each other out of the way to get to the door first. Darc'I takes a flying leap but Lara and Regina grab her legs and they all fall down. The screen focuses on the door while the three beat the crap out of each other just below view. Lara reaches up to try and grab the knob but is pulled back down with a yelp. Finally Regina dislodges her self, pulls the others apart to save their dignity and flings open the door. A UPS man is standing on the other side looking rather cold in his shorts and tee shirt, well, it IS the artic you know.
Regina: Hiya! What the hell do you want!?
UPS man: Uh, I got a box here for the (looks closely at his order form) guinea pigs.
Lara: I'll kill Natla for that, uh, that would be us.
UPS man: If you'll just sign here...
They all grab for it, but Lara being the tallest, reaches over and grabs it away, signs, and hands it back.
UPS man: Hmmm, so what kinda establishment are you running here anyway?
Regina: Natla is torturing us by making us read bad fan fiction, she is waiting for us to go insane. You know, super villain revenge plan dealie. Aren't we lucky!?
UPS man: Um, yes, I have to...go over here now...(walks over to his truck, hops in and drives off as fast as he can.)
Darc'I: Hey...wait a second; we could have hijacked his truck! Crap!
Lara: Urgh, well, lets get this inside. (points to the box the man left)
Darc'I: What if it's a bomb?
Regina: Haha! You and your paranoia! Lets get this baby inside; it might have my next shipment of Advil!!!
They all grab one side of the box and haul it inside and dump it in the middle of the living room.
Darc'I: WAIT! I INSIST we test it to make sure it's not a bomb! Please!!!!
Lara: Oh, alright, but...
The button on the table and Natla comes on screen.
All: Moan.
Natla: Ah! I see you got my package! Wonderful!
Lara: Your package? All right Darc'I, we take it back, you can test it for a bomb.
Darc'I: Yay!
Natla: Your all idiots, you know that? Anyway, guess what I found! Wait, don't guess, I don't want any smart-ass answers. It's a new fic!
Regina: Oh, no, please tell me the person could spell this time.
Natla: Nope, and this one is about Legend of Legia!
All: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie! Run! Run for you lives! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Natla: Hey! Shut up! Now get in the theater and get reading! (turns away from the screen) Larson! LARSON! I want my booze!
Lara: Guess that's that, we'll deal with the package latter.
Regina: Yeah, we'll need the Advil then.
Lights flash once more, they are used to it by now though.
Lara: (in monotone voice, as the walk to the theater) Oh no, we are going to die...again.
6...5...4...3...2...1...0...theater.
All: Ow, son of a, crap, move your big butt, och!
They all finally sit down, Lara in the middle, Regina to the right and Darc'I to the left.
Conkram-Chapter 1-The Beginning
Lara: They seem to always like having 'in the beginning' as their title, odd, very very odd...
~~~DISCLAIMER:I do not own any of these charaters or Legend of Legaia
Regina: Nor would I want to for that matter...
.Although I own a copy of it!
Regina: Which I regret plopping the money down for to this very day!
Darc'I: Amen
Still,it isn't legally mine.~~~~~~~
I hid it for so long from her.
Lara: That even I forgot what the heck it was.
I was very charmed by her innocence. But still,I managed to treat her like a little baby and rudely.So how can I tell her?
Darc'I: What? Oh what? Please, don't keep us in suspense.
"Noa!Come on!
Regina: Get your spiky ass in gear!
let's get out of here before it collapses!
Lara: On second thought, stay! For the love of god stay!
" I screamed to her because she was just sitting there sobbing.We had just defeated The Evil Sim-Seru Juggernaut, which engulfed RimElm.I kept watching her.She was acting very strange,like she was picking something up...
Darc'I: Because she was picking something up, but I was too thick to get that through my skull.
"Noa!!!Come on!!
"I'm Coming!what? What's wrong Gala?"
Regina: I have to use the bathroom!
"Who's that? where did he come from?"
Regina: who? What? Where? Why? How?
Lara: Huh?
"Oh..this?..This is.....Cort."
"Cort?"
Darc'I: That what I said isn't it? (mumbling) dumbass.
"Yes he was Re-born.How am I supposed to take care of a baby?A Baby!!Where do I go?Live?..."
Lara: Dumpster?
Regina: (nods) Dumpster.
"Noa! Calm down!You can come live with me,at the monastery.I'm sure Zopu won't mind."
Noa's face lit up."Really?Thank you Gala!"And she Blew me a kiss like she always does when she's happy.
"Yes..but first let's go talk to Vahn and say good-bye.
"So you are really leaving?"
Darc'I: (as Noa) No, we were just joking.
Regina: Oh son of a *bleep*
said Vahn."Man,I'll miss you.Especially Noa's hyperness!"
Lara: boingy boingy boingy.
And he cracked a smile."Be sure you are back for Mine and Mei's wedding once the village is re-built."
Regina: Wait a second here; they didn't get married at the end! Mei went off and got married to some shmuck that was supposed to be Vahns friend.
"Sure"Noa said.
"Sure I said.
And with that Noa and I left on our short journey to the monastery.I'm surprised Vahn didn't notice Noa holding baby Cort in her arms.
Lara: He did, but didn't want to get grounded with babysitting the little bugger. Not even Vahn is THAT oblivious.
"So Gala,What are we going to do once we get to the monastery?"Will you regain the title of Master Teacher?What will i do?I must do something!"
Darc'I: Ditch cleaning! It'll be fun!
I thought for a moment."Well,I don't no..I'm sure you could be a cook..you are excellent at cooking."
"Thank you."
There was an awkward pause then Cort started to cry.And so we stopped,Then the monsters found us.Since Noa was busy with Cort i had to defend them.I used my Explosive Fist which killed the hideous Lippan easily
Regina: But scarred my hand horribly!
Darc'I: owie, owie, owie, owie!!!
.When we got to the monastery,Zopu greeted us and asked the usual,What happened.How did you do it.So Noa and I told her the story.
Regina: The bastard fell asleep four times! Had to be woken up with some mighty strong coffee too.
We got to the bottom floor of the Bio Castle and heard a running water noise.It threw us over the edge down the labyrinth
And we were knocked out.Noa got up first.She seen and felt something she felt before and to our surprise..Cort had fused with Juggernaut back at the Absolute Fortress.So he was evil and he said that he was a supreme being ad being human was filthy
Darc'I: which, of course we were. Having just traveled through a living creature, beaten up monsters, and no getting anywhere near a bath for the past three months, don't know why he had to single US out...
.Noa was in tears by now.And she is right now.So we had to destroy him.After we did that, Noru Valley's Genesis Tree had given up and the Ozma,Terra and Meta were dying.So we said our good-byes and
Lara: Ditched 'em by the side of the road.
they used the last of their power to give the People of RimElm a new life.And one of those was this baby here....Cort.
"what an amazing story..
All: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
Come,You must rest,Said Zopu.And we went to our room.
Regina: 'Our' room? I thought that he had romantic intentions he was too afraid to admit to.
"Wow...I can't belive this.Said Noa,"Terra is actually gone.."And she started to cry.
Lara: With joy!
Darc'I: No more curfew bedtimes for me!
"There,There,Noa!You still have me,Vahn,Mei and Maya!And now,Cort!
Regina: (sobbing as Noa) Y-yeah, like t-that does my one h-ell of a lot a good! Wahhh!
I went up to her and held her.As I wiped her tears away from her face.
"She rescued me...She was there since I born!" She Sniffled,"And With Conkram...."She couldn't finish her sentence.
"Noa,You know what?I belive Conkram Isn't a dead town..I think It is still alive.
Darc'I: But not alive, uh, alive, just um, ah, BURIED under a big honkin' clam! Yeah, that's it!
Just wait for a little while.Skay?"
"Yeah.." She stopped crying.I'm glad he's here,He's so strong I feel so safe with Gala."I'm glad you are with me..You always know the right thing to say."
"Really you think so?"
Regina: Hell no, I was just being polite.
"Yes,Gala!"
Then we looked at each other for a long time,staring
Lara: then our eye's got really dried out and we had to blink.
into each others eyes.We moved closer and closerAnd
Regina: Finally whacked into each other.
just when we were about to kiss,a maid walked in with some clean bedding and took the dirty bedding.And we were blushing until she left.
"Um.......Noa mutter
I said"Well we should get some sleep."We have a big day tomorrow."
"Okay.Just wait until I feed Cort."
Lara: (shoving something down something's throat) Here! Eat this darn it! EAT, EAT, AND EAT! Why wont you eat!?
Darc'I: (as gala) Uh, I don't think that's right...
And with that we fell a sleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow.
Regina: Bonk, bonk, ouch! These damn pillows are hellva hard!
Lara: Alright! Let's get outta here before Natla can start up the next part!
Scrambling, swears, the usual is heard as the head out the door.
0...1...2...3...4...5...6...Living room.
Regina: Arr! Now to the box! I want my Advil!
Darc'i: Alright, everyone out of the room, I'm going to test it!
Lara: Do you have the right equipment?
Darc'I: Of course, now take these helmets and go turn the couch over.
(hands two military style helmets to Lara and Regina, puts one on her own head. Lara and Regina then go and turn the couch on it's side and hide behind it.)
Darc'I: Now then, (pulls out a very long stick and comes behind the couch with the other two.)
Lara: What is the stick for?
Darc'I: This is how we test for a bomb.
Regina: What!?
Darc'I: quiet you, now lets get this show on the road.
(sticks the pole out across the room and gives the box a shove. Nothing happens. She shoves it a bit harder, but still nothing happens. Frowning Darc'I stands up and begins bashing the box very hard)
Regina: No! She might damage the Advil!
Lara: Stop her!
They wrestle the pole out of Darc'i's hand and go over to the box, Regina pulls out a knife and begins sawing though the tape then flings the box open. She sticks her head in and a small explosion is heard, lifting her head back out we see it is covered with black and her hair is sticking out.
Regina: ............ouch..................
She falls over while Darc'I and Lara go over to look in the box.
Lara: Hmmm, here's your Advil Regina.
Regina: Owwwwwww.....................
Darc'I: Hey! There's shampoo and soap in here! No more bathing with detergent and dish soap! That means no more rashes, huzzah!
Lara: Hmmm (digging through the rest of the box) a few more games, food, the soap, the Advil, toothpaste, and...what the 'ell? Why do we need this? (holds up a computer programs box, it says interior decorator on the front)
Darc'I: There's a note...
Regina: Some.........one, help............me.........
Darc'I: 'Dear guinea pigs,'
Lara: Lousy little....
Darc'I: I have noticed that you decided to make your surroundings more comfortable, while I condemn this I decided, upon seeing your futile attempts, that you need help. Use this software wisely, Natla' (looks around the room) It's not THAT bad!
Lara: Of course it's not! I help design it!
Regina: People, I'm in serious pain here, help me...
Lara: Shut up and take the Advil! (lights begin flashing) Oh no! Natla got the rest of the story up and running. (Lara and Darc'I run out of the room and Regina follows them, limping, after downing a few Advil's of course.)
6...5...4...3...2...1...0...theater.
Conkram-Chapter 2-The Dream
Darc'I: The dream of genie?
Lara: Now that was just stupid.
"Noa...."
"Noa"......" It sounded like someone was calling from a far distance.She was dreaming
"Huh?Who are you?" exclaimed Noa.
"You know who I am!"
Regina: No I don't.
Darc'I: Yes you do.
Regina: No, I don't!
Darc'I: Yes, you do!
Regina: Now see here! Stop contradicting me!
Darc'I: I'm not contradicting you! You're contradicting me!
Regina: Am not!
Darc'I: Are to!
Lara: How long are you two planning on doing that?
"M-m-mother?"
Regina: No dumb ass, IRS. Open up.
"Yes!"
Lara: No! Wait! Yes, no, hold on, I've got it! Yes!...No! Give me a second!
"B-but I thought you dies when Conkram did."
Regina: That's right! I'm a zombie! Blargh! Boga boga boga!
"Noa,Conkram isn't dead! ...We are still alive!The inside it is still alive.It closed itself up to preserve it's life to live without the Mist!
Darc'I: (as Noa) The mist is gone lady, get with the times!
!Please! Free us from this hell!You have the power of the Ra-Seru!"
Lara: Well, he he, you see, there's a real funny story about that...
"No,Mother,We don't.they died..When we destroyed Juggernaut in RimElm."
"That's what you think!
Darc'I: Yeah! You didn't destroy nothing dumbass!
Terra,Ozma,and Meta maybe..But what about the ones that are talismans?
Regina: Talismans? What the f**k?
Lara: Regina!
Horn,Mule,Palma and Jedo?
Regina: Horn?
Darc'I: Palma?
Lara: Jedo?
Regina: MULE???
Darc'I: Pikachu?
Lara&Regina: ???
Their power was preserved when Zalan
Darc'I: Zalan this, Zalan that, that's all I ever hear out of you! Are you having an affair with this man?!
Regina: Yes *sob* I've left you rich and powerful father for...a black smith!
Lara: dum, dum, dum, dum.
worked them..making them immortal.Wiat
Lara: I'm a 'Wiat'ing! I'm a 'wiat'ing!
for them to hatch!just wait!"
Lara: (as Noa) Hold on! You said 'wait'!
And With that the voice of Minea disappeared.
"Mother!!come back!Moooooooother!!"
Darc'I: I need some one to do my laundry!
"Wahhhhhhhhhh"
Noa woke up with a startle.Gala was sitting there with Cort.He had a grin on his face.
Regina: What have you done!? You've killed him haven't you!?
"Guess he doesn't like me."
Darc'I: That's an understatment.
"I think he has to get used to us."
Lara: Unfortunatly that's impossible, for anyone.
"Noa?What's wrong?You looked like you seen a ghost."
Regina: (as Noa) No! It's worse!
Darc'I: (as Gala) Huh?
Regina: It's...the IRS!
All: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!
"I had a dream...about my Mother.She was calling to me.She said
Lara: She said I had to come home right away and help with dinner, gotta go! Sorry for grounding you with the kid!
Conkram was still alive! We have to go there!"
"Well we can't tomorrow.Vahn's and Mei's wedding is
Darc'I: Screw that!
then.We'll have to talk to Vahn at the reception.okay?"
"Sure.Now,Gala get some sleep!"
Regina: I just was asleep moron! You're damn brat woke me up! He then flings the baby at her.
The next day,Zopu talked to me of becoming Master Teacher again.And Noa would be a cook if she were to live in the monastery.We agreed and then got ready for Vahn's wedding.I wore my ceremonial Master Teacher robe and Noa bought a new dress. it was like her mother's.
Darc'I: That is to say: I hated it, shudder.
It was scarlet and had ribbons in the back.it was thin-strapped with a v-neck.it was long,which went down to her ankles.
Lara: Um, I can't think of how to mock that, there must be a way!
Regina: Oh no! We're losing our touch!
Darc'I: Break! We need a break!
Lara: Then take one we must!
Darc'I: But it's not the end of the chapter!
Regina: That can be fixed...(pulls out a big honkin' sniper rifle, takes aim, and shoots out the projector, it then catches on fire)
Lara: Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Look what you've done! Run! *cough* Run!
Coughing and shoving our brave heroines make their way out of the theater as the sprinklers come on.
0...1...2...3...4...5...6...reck room.
Lara: You moron! You've ruined the theater! Wait, that's bad?
Darc'I: Of course it's not! We're saved!
All: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
The light on the desk starts flashing and Darc'I hits it. Larson comes on screen.
Larson: How is ya'lls doin'?
Regina: (grinning proudly) We burned down the theater!
All: *grinning proudly*
Larson: Well, now that's right...WHAT?!? You all burnted down the the-A-ter!? Oh Miz Natla'll have you're hides!
Lara: Yes, well, what are you going to do about it?
Larson: MIZ NATLA!!!!!!
Darc'I: Oh crap.
Natla: (comes running on screen) *gasp*What? What happened?
Larson: They is burnted down the theater!
Natla turns an interesting shade of purplish red and closes her eyes. Turning away she begins breathing rapidly.
Natla: Larson...I...want...it...fixed...NOW!
Larson: Uh, yes ma'am.
Natla: As...for...you...three...you...must...now...watch...it...in...the...living...room! *stomps off screen*
Larson: Aw shucks.
Regina: She can't do this!!! Our reck room is sacred! She can not deface it this way!
Lara: I agree, but how can we keep her from doing it?
Darc'I: I don't think that there really is anything we can do; if we tick her off enough she might halt our food shipment!
Regna: No! That means no more Advil!
The lights go off, the three plop themselves down. Lara lying on the couch, Darc'I and the floor, and Regina in a bean bag chair.
"Wow.Noa,You look Beautiful!"I think
Lara: I'm running out of false compliments.
I'm more in love with her every time i see her.Only Vahn knows I am.
Regina: And of course he wishes he didn't.
Thank you!You look..uuhhh...
Darc'I: tubby? Is that right?
Regina: Ummm, how about honky, hows that?
Lara: Nah, I like 'like you've been hitting the doughnuts pretty hard' the best.
Hand-some?yeah!that's right!"I think I'm more in love with him every time I see himshe thought.Things have been awkward between us ever since we almost kissed.
Regina: I'm telling you, it wasn't almost kissing, it was not blinking and then smacking into each other.
"Well,Shall we go?"
Lara: NO! We shall not!
"Yes,we shall!"
Lara: Shan't!
She exclaimed"Ohh...Wait a minute!What about Cort."
Darc'I: Screw 'em, leave 'em to the wolves, what ever suites your taste.
Then one of the Maids came up to us.
"Ms.Noa,I'll look after him for you.I love
Regina: To eat, um...
babies.I want one of my own some day.
Regina: They are SOOO tasty! Uh, I mean...
This will give me some insight!"
Regina: Into the preperation method, oh, crap! I didn't really mean that! Yes! No, no I didn't and that's final!
"Thank you Lily!"
Darc'I: It's Winifred.
"Don't mention it!"
Lara: Giving their manners they wont, so don't worryl.
And with that we set off.We got there just in time.We sat down
Darc'I: And realized we had actually missed the whole wedding. Crud Muffins!
Lara: Crud Muffins?
Regina: Where did that come from?
Darc'I: Uhhhhh, I don't think you want to know...
.the wedding was on the shores of RimElm.Everyone in RimElm was there.Even Zalan and Pepe.
Regina: Add two more 'es' to that and you have one disturbed child.
Darc'I: And two stupid, or possibly malicious, parents.
They made the Wedding rings.Ixis,Nene,Val,Maya,Tetsu everyone!It was a beautiful ceremony.There was a trestle decorated with pink and white carnations.and Mei!her dress was white with little red roses going down all the seems.
Lara: So many in fact, her already pudgy form was added to considerably.
i knew she made it herself.She is a professional tailor.
Regina: And that is yet another point against female game characters everywhere. Keep us in your hearts everyone and we WILL triumph!
Darc'I: Hallelujah!
Lara: Hallelujah!
At the reception,Noa told Vahn about her dream and Conkram and baby Cort.
Lara: And her new ditch cleaning position and her new perm and her new pet chocobo...oops, wrong game.
"So..There are still Ra-Seru left?Maybe Teig
Regina: Shit! We didn't play this game that long ago! I don't even remember half of these people! Guess that shows how dull it was.
didn't want Conkram to die.He just wanted the Sim-Seru gone.
Darc'I: Gone! Be gone dammit! Fear me!!!!
Lara&Regina:...
We'll check it out.Mei?
Lara: That big dummy now must ask his wife for permission to do anything, wise choice.
I'm so sorry!but I am needed."
Regina: I missed something, whose talking now?
"Sure!I'm going too."
"What?!"All three of us said at the same time.
Darc'I: No you aren't! We need you to stay here and keep Vhan out of our way!
Lara: (as Vhan) Hey!
Darc'I: Uh did we say that out loud we meant, uh, you've got to stay and...keep, VHAN...out of...the way...d'oh!
"I'm going!
Darc'i: And there's not a damn thing you can do about it!
When I was in Juggernaunt,I hand to be strong and fight!
Regina: I had to bitch long and hard to get a better room inside of that thing!
And It was a eternal struggle but it made me stronger on the outside!
Lara: (as Noa, punches Mei in the face, who falls down) Stronger on the outside my ass!
Please let me go!Nothing you say is going to stop me!
Darc'I: Yeah! I've you don't let me I'll do this! (makes puppy dog eyes and looks sad) 'PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE??????????????'
"Well if you feel that strongly...Said Vahn". I think he was still in shock.
Darc'I: But then, he's always in shock.
Then we set off to Conkram..
Regina: How exactly did they get there?
Lara: Who gives a damn? Wanna go see how Larson is doing? I think this thing has befouled our living room long enough...
Cut to the theater, Larson is trying to repair the projector with a hammer.
Larson: Hmmm, now lets a see here, hows about dis?
He smacks the projector hard and apiece flies off and hits him in the head.
Larson: Ouch. Uh, hows abouts dis?
He whacks the part where the cord hooks up to the machine. A big bolt of electricity comes out and shocks him. He sits there a bit dazed and frazzled looking, then catches on fire.
Larson: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Cut back to the living room.
Various screams, shouts, moans, and curses come from the direction of the theater. Everyone looks disinterested.
Darc'I: Nah, it's more comfortable in here. Besides, we wouldn't want to distract his tinny little brain now would we?
Lara: I guess not, but we do get a break now, I'm getting some thing to eat.
Regina: Bring me something.
Darc'i: Yeah, me too.
Lara: What do you want?
Regina: Use your imagination.
Lara: Uh, okay...
Lara walks out, a few minutes latter she returns with a pack of soda, two charred pieces of something and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She hands the charred things to Darc'I and Regina.
Regina: Uhhh, what happened to our food?
Darc'I: Yeah, this looks like a Brillo pad.
Lara: You both know that if I get anywhere near a microwave it explodes or something else unpleasant. So if you were too damn stupid to remember that...
Regina: Alright! Alright! Just shut up! We'll eat 'em!
Sirens and such go off.
Lara: Hehe, we don't even have to move!
Conkram-Chapter 3-Uru Mais
Regina: Uru Anus.
Lara: Ewww.
First we had to stop at Octam
Darc'I: Because I forgot to hit the bathroom before we left.
to take the flying train to Karisto Kingdom Station.Noa always loved the the fyling trains.
Lara: And I always liked trying to shove her out...
She's like the wind..always flying,Always exporling,wondering,
Regina: Always being a pain in the ass...
never afraid to ask anything.Her innocence seems to keep her hopeful and happy.When we got off we bought some healing berries from the peddlar.Then one of the talisman started to glow...It was Ra-Seru Horn.
"Hey!"said Mei,"It's hatching.And we all gathered around.Mei never seen a Ra-Seru hatch before...it is magnificent.her eyes were filled with wonder and amazement.Crrrrrrrrraaaaaackkkk. it was done.It glowed and hovered over Mei."Mei.."Said Vahn,"It has chosen you."
Regina: Aw crap.
Just like that it was attached to Mei's arm
Lara: (as mei) Aiiiiiiiiiie! Get it away! Get it away!
and Speaking to our minds.Finally!Awake after all these years!My name is Horn, Mei,And I am pleased to meet you!You have a healing heart and soul..use my powers well to heal your allies in battle.And to poision enemies.Use it well!
Darc'I: Seeing as only Mei heard this see didn't see it fit to share with the others and promptly poisoned them all and left 'em for dead.
Lara: What did I ever see in them?
After all the excitiement we bought a Door of Wind and Flew over to Dr.usha's research Lab.
"Dr.Usha!"exclaimed Noa,"It's me,Noa!"
Regina: (as the Dr.) Who?
Lara: (as Noa) It's Noa!
Regina: Am I supposed to know you?
Lara: Grrr, it's me! And these other idiots!
Regina: What ever, get out of my house or I'm calling the cops!
"Noa! how good to see you! Is Vahn and Gala with you?
Darc'I: Oh well, don't answer, I really don't care...
It matters not,
Darc'I: Hey! I was right!
Lara: Yeah, this guy could be inviting complete strangers into his house with out knowing it.
I'll find out when you come up."And he sent the elevator down,as we got on,We were shook by a glow of another talisman.it was Palma this time.
Regina: You know, that sounds a lot like 'Palmer', quick! Call the FF7 crew!
"Wow!"Says Noa,jumping up and down.
Lara: Unfortunately she fell off the elevator, the end!
She get's overexcited easily.It glowed magnificentlly and hatched and floated before me "Is it me you have chosen Palma?So it be!"I said.Then he spoke to me:Gala I have heard much about you!I'm glad to help you recover Conkram!Then elevator stopped,we
Lara: All fell off, the END!
must be at the Lab.We traveled up the stiars to were Dr. usha was.We told him about Noa's dream and the Ra-Seru.He didn't know what to say.
Regina: (as the Dr.) I still don't know who the hell you are.
Maye go to Uru Mais,where Teig is.Summon him and ask him."And so we said thank you and goodbye and travelled on to Uru Mais.
Darc'I: But not before we raided his house like the good little RPG characters we were.
And so we arrived at the destroyed Uru Mais.It was Crumpled about a year ago by Juggernaunt while we were getting the fire droplet.There was smoke everywhere.
Lara: Wait, it fell down a long time ago, but it's still smoldering?
Darc'I: Ah, one of the mysteries of life: Why things make no sense in fan fiction.
Regina: It's called a plot hole babe.
Still.
Darc'I: 'Still.' That's one hell of a sentence.
People from Sol Tower where collecting samples of dead Seru,hoping they might invent Seru,made by man but so far they had no luck.I'm not too worried,look what the Seru did to us before.There were still little pieces of the mysterious ruins lying around.
"Wow,"said Vahn,"This brings back memories."
Regina: (as Vahn) *Shudder*
"Haha!Yeah,those were the days...."Noa trailed off.Probably thinking about Terra
Lara: Thinking happily about her at that, no more curfew bed times!
Regina: You already said that.
Lara: *grin* I know.
and her Parents,Queen Mina and King Nebular.Soon they will be together.
Darc'I: Or they won't, what ever, I'm just in it for the booze.
Suddenly two tailsmans started to glow...Vahn reached into the equipment bag and pulled out
Lara: His hand very quickly, those damn Ra-Seru had caught on fire again....
Regina: (as Vahn, to Mei) Fetch me the fire extinguisher woman!
the the dark and water tailsmens.they came to life and into their ogrinal Ra-Seru form.Jedo appeared in front of Vahn and Mule in front of Noa
Darc'I: Oh, sure, give the woman a one named 'Mule'
. Vahn submitted wilingly.
Lara: To the Borg...dum,dum,dum,dum!
.but Noa wasn't so sure,
Lara: Would it make her cooler?
Regina: (as Gala) Come on, you know you want to.
Darc'I: (as Mei) Yeah, it's alright! Use the cigs, uh, the force...I mean force...
I could hear her thoughts.
Regina: Which meant I was physic, I'm gonna get me a job with an online fortune telling dealie! So long suckas!
Can I do this?
All: No.
What if I don't revive Conkram?
All: Who cares?
Could I suffer another heartbreak again?
All: Hopefully not...
If..not I have Gala,He already said he'll take care of me if not
All: But then I hate him...
and I can live at the Monastarery with him...I love him so...but he'll never return it.
All: Smart lad
He didn't like me much to begin with..Well I took a chance the first time...might as well.
Regina: She didn't take a chance the first time, she had lived with the thing for her entire life!
And then she submitted to Mule.
Darc'I: Yes, come to the dark side Noa.
"Hey guys."I said,"Maybe we should build a camp for now,Carry on tomorrow?"
They all agreed I can see they were all
Regina: Drunk, err I mean...
tired.We set up two tents one for Mei and Vahn ,one for Noa and I.
Lara: I don't care if they were married, wouldn't it have been more logical to set one up for the men, and one up for the women?
Regina: Lara, it's a fan fic, get it through your skull: it don't make sense.
And we went to bed,Noa and I were up late talking.She
Darc'I: Just wouldn't shut up! Aiiiiiiiiiie! I can't take it anymore!
Lara: I burst out of the tent, went running, and was never seen again!
was talking about her life with Terra.I could tell she needed to vent,
Regina: So I just sort of hooded my eyes and nodded dumbly, mumbling 'yes ma'am, no, yes, maybe...no............'
I could see it in her eyes.So I asked her if there is anything she wanted to talk about.And so she just started talking and sometimes she cried,I held her
Lara: At arms length and slapped her around till she stopped.
in my arms to comfort her when she did.And told her what I thought,Which
Darc'I: Which wasn't much, considering I'd lived in a friggin' church my whole life and didn't really know jack shit.
made her feel better she always smiled afterward.She started crying again
Lara: So I slapped her again...
after a little while and so I held her again only this time when I was talking to her and looking into her eyes,something came over me... again we moved closer to each other and we were about to kiss...
Regina: At which point Noa made a face and puked all over the place, to say the least it wasn't too romatic.
"Hey I heard Noa crying,"It was Vahn"
Lara: Nosey little S.O.B isn't he?
I thought you were asleep so I came to check up on her...but I guess it wasn't nesseccary."
"It's okay Vahn I'm fine,really.Even if not Gala is here with me"
Darc'I: This comforts her? Why?
Lara: Who knows, maybe she's just happy she doesn't have to go to sleep so...
Regina&Darc'I: Enough!
Gala piped
Regina: Doesn't seem like the type to 'pipe' does she, err, heh heh, he?
up"She's okay Vahn,I'll stay up with her.okay?"
"Okay Sorry guys."And Vahn went back to his tent.
"Is Noa okay?"Asked Mei.
Darc'I: Don't ask me! What do I look like? A goddamn physician!?
"Yeah she's fine.Gala's with her,
Lara: (as Mei) Oh no! You left him with that gaseous freak! Noa! Here I come!
she'll be okay..So I guess he really loves her."
Regina: Naw, are you nuts? She's a princess; he's just after the money and her body. You think her REALLY respects her, hem, 'intelligence'? Ha!
"Yeah,the funny thing is Noa loves him......."
Lara: Yeah, that is funny. Hahahahahahahahahaha! Woo!
Regina: (getting up from the bean bag) Arrgh! My back! I think we'd better go check if Larson's done yet, I don't think that I can sit in those chair for that long again.
Larson walks out, he is covered in third degree burns, oil, and other un-nameable things.
Larson: I's, be done. *falls over*
Lara nudges him with her toe.
Lara: Eww, lets call Natla and get him outa here, we just had the floor cleaned too!
This is the end, my only friend the end...actually it's not, that just sounds soo good...
In a not to distant future
Somewhere in between TR1 and 5
Lara and her worthless friends,
Were caught in a nasty place
Lalala
Natla put them in the farthest of the Artics
To let them suffer and mock bad fics
They're there because Lara is an annoyer
And she went and offed her employer
"I'll send them cheesy stories."
"The worse I can find!"
"They'll have to sit and read them all,
and I'll monitor their minds!"
Lalala
Now keep in mind they can't control
When the torture begins or ends
They'll have to keep their sanity with the help of
Powerful drug-esque friends
Oddly named peoples Roll Call
Jeeves (he has the camera, and the vocabulary of a terrier with it's mouth tied shut)
Darc'i (Wheeeee! I'm a puppet! Lara: No you aren't. Darc'I: Oh.)
Regina (I want my Advil!)
If your wondering how they're still alive
Just remember to breathe and close your eyes
It really just still a stupid show
And you should really just relax
Mystery Gamer Theater 3000!
Lara, Darc'i, and Regina are sitting in a living room, sitting on beanbag chairs, which are situated around the room. There is a TV in one corner with a few different counsels around it. Regina and Darc'I are sitting on the now carpeted floor in front of it playing Perfect Dark. Lara is off in a corner reading from a heavy volume. You can see the table with buttons shoved off to one side and covered with living roomy things. Everything is just looking homier. A doorbell is heard faintly.
Lara: (looking up from her book) Hey...did you guys hear something?
Regina: (over the explosions from the game) WHAT?
The bell is heard again
Lara: ...h-holy crap...could that be...?
Darc'I: (turns off the game) Huh?
Lara: (flinging herself up out of the chair and out of the room) DOORBELL!!!
Regina and Darc'I look at each other briefly in wide-eyed shock before flying after her. Cut to a long hallway where the three women are shoving each other out of the way to get to the door first. Darc'I takes a flying leap but Lara and Regina grab her legs and they all fall down. The screen focuses on the door while the three beat the crap out of each other just below view. Lara reaches up to try and grab the knob but is pulled back down with a yelp. Finally Regina dislodges her self, pulls the others apart to save their dignity and flings open the door. A UPS man is standing on the other side looking rather cold in his shorts and tee shirt, well, it IS the artic you know.
Regina: Hiya! What the hell do you want!?
UPS man: Uh, I got a box here for the (looks closely at his order form) guinea pigs.
Lara: I'll kill Natla for that, uh, that would be us.
UPS man: If you'll just sign here...
They all grab for it, but Lara being the tallest, reaches over and grabs it away, signs, and hands it back.
UPS man: Hmmm, so what kinda establishment are you running here anyway?
Regina: Natla is torturing us by making us read bad fan fiction, she is waiting for us to go insane. You know, super villain revenge plan dealie. Aren't we lucky!?
UPS man: Um, yes, I have to...go over here now...(walks over to his truck, hops in and drives off as fast as he can.)
Darc'I: Hey...wait a second; we could have hijacked his truck! Crap!
Lara: Urgh, well, lets get this inside. (points to the box the man left)
Darc'I: What if it's a bomb?
Regina: Haha! You and your paranoia! Lets get this baby inside; it might have my next shipment of Advil!!!
They all grab one side of the box and haul it inside and dump it in the middle of the living room.
Darc'I: WAIT! I INSIST we test it to make sure it's not a bomb! Please!!!!
Lara: Oh, alright, but...
The button on the table and Natla comes on screen.
All: Moan.
Natla: Ah! I see you got my package! Wonderful!
Lara: Your package? All right Darc'I, we take it back, you can test it for a bomb.
Darc'I: Yay!
Natla: Your all idiots, you know that? Anyway, guess what I found! Wait, don't guess, I don't want any smart-ass answers. It's a new fic!
Regina: Oh, no, please tell me the person could spell this time.
Natla: Nope, and this one is about Legend of Legia!
All: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie! Run! Run for you lives! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Natla: Hey! Shut up! Now get in the theater and get reading! (turns away from the screen) Larson! LARSON! I want my booze!
Lara: Guess that's that, we'll deal with the package latter.
Regina: Yeah, we'll need the Advil then.
Lights flash once more, they are used to it by now though.
Lara: (in monotone voice, as the walk to the theater) Oh no, we are going to die...again.
6...5...4...3...2...1...0...theater.
All: Ow, son of a, crap, move your big butt, och!
They all finally sit down, Lara in the middle, Regina to the right and Darc'I to the left.
Conkram-Chapter 1-The Beginning
Lara: They seem to always like having 'in the beginning' as their title, odd, very very odd...
~~~DISCLAIMER:I do not own any of these charaters or Legend of Legaia
Regina: Nor would I want to for that matter...
.Although I own a copy of it!
Regina: Which I regret plopping the money down for to this very day!
Darc'I: Amen
Still,it isn't legally mine.~~~~~~~
I hid it for so long from her.
Lara: That even I forgot what the heck it was.
I was very charmed by her innocence. But still,I managed to treat her like a little baby and rudely.So how can I tell her?
Darc'I: What? Oh what? Please, don't keep us in suspense.
"Noa!Come on!
Regina: Get your spiky ass in gear!
let's get out of here before it collapses!
Lara: On second thought, stay! For the love of god stay!
" I screamed to her because she was just sitting there sobbing.We had just defeated The Evil Sim-Seru Juggernaut, which engulfed RimElm.I kept watching her.She was acting very strange,like she was picking something up...
Darc'I: Because she was picking something up, but I was too thick to get that through my skull.
"Noa!!!Come on!!
"I'm Coming!what? What's wrong Gala?"
Regina: I have to use the bathroom!
"Who's that? where did he come from?"
Regina: who? What? Where? Why? How?
Lara: Huh?
"Oh..this?..This is.....Cort."
"Cort?"
Darc'I: That what I said isn't it? (mumbling) dumbass.
"Yes he was Re-born.How am I supposed to take care of a baby?A Baby!!Where do I go?Live?..."
Lara: Dumpster?
Regina: (nods) Dumpster.
"Noa! Calm down!You can come live with me,at the monastery.I'm sure Zopu won't mind."
Noa's face lit up."Really?Thank you Gala!"And she Blew me a kiss like she always does when she's happy.
"Yes..but first let's go talk to Vahn and say good-bye.
"So you are really leaving?"
Darc'I: (as Noa) No, we were just joking.
Regina: Oh son of a *bleep*
said Vahn."Man,I'll miss you.Especially Noa's hyperness!"
Lara: boingy boingy boingy.
And he cracked a smile."Be sure you are back for Mine and Mei's wedding once the village is re-built."
Regina: Wait a second here; they didn't get married at the end! Mei went off and got married to some shmuck that was supposed to be Vahns friend.
"Sure"Noa said.
"Sure I said.
And with that Noa and I left on our short journey to the monastery.I'm surprised Vahn didn't notice Noa holding baby Cort in her arms.
Lara: He did, but didn't want to get grounded with babysitting the little bugger. Not even Vahn is THAT oblivious.
"So Gala,What are we going to do once we get to the monastery?"Will you regain the title of Master Teacher?What will i do?I must do something!"
Darc'I: Ditch cleaning! It'll be fun!
I thought for a moment."Well,I don't no..I'm sure you could be a cook..you are excellent at cooking."
"Thank you."
There was an awkward pause then Cort started to cry.And so we stopped,Then the monsters found us.Since Noa was busy with Cort i had to defend them.I used my Explosive Fist which killed the hideous Lippan easily
Regina: But scarred my hand horribly!
Darc'I: owie, owie, owie, owie!!!
.When we got to the monastery,Zopu greeted us and asked the usual,What happened.How did you do it.So Noa and I told her the story.
Regina: The bastard fell asleep four times! Had to be woken up with some mighty strong coffee too.
We got to the bottom floor of the Bio Castle and heard a running water noise.It threw us over the edge down the labyrinth
And we were knocked out.Noa got up first.She seen and felt something she felt before and to our surprise..Cort had fused with Juggernaut back at the Absolute Fortress.So he was evil and he said that he was a supreme being ad being human was filthy
Darc'I: which, of course we were. Having just traveled through a living creature, beaten up monsters, and no getting anywhere near a bath for the past three months, don't know why he had to single US out...
.Noa was in tears by now.And she is right now.So we had to destroy him.After we did that, Noru Valley's Genesis Tree had given up and the Ozma,Terra and Meta were dying.So we said our good-byes and
Lara: Ditched 'em by the side of the road.
they used the last of their power to give the People of RimElm a new life.And one of those was this baby here....Cort.
"what an amazing story..
All: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ...
Come,You must rest,Said Zopu.And we went to our room.
Regina: 'Our' room? I thought that he had romantic intentions he was too afraid to admit to.
"Wow...I can't belive this.Said Noa,"Terra is actually gone.."And she started to cry.
Lara: With joy!
Darc'I: No more curfew bedtimes for me!
"There,There,Noa!You still have me,Vahn,Mei and Maya!And now,Cort!
Regina: (sobbing as Noa) Y-yeah, like t-that does my one h-ell of a lot a good! Wahhh!
I went up to her and held her.As I wiped her tears away from her face.
"She rescued me...She was there since I born!" She Sniffled,"And With Conkram...."She couldn't finish her sentence.
"Noa,You know what?I belive Conkram Isn't a dead town..I think It is still alive.
Darc'I: But not alive, uh, alive, just um, ah, BURIED under a big honkin' clam! Yeah, that's it!
Just wait for a little while.Skay?"
"Yeah.." She stopped crying.I'm glad he's here,He's so strong I feel so safe with Gala."I'm glad you are with me..You always know the right thing to say."
"Really you think so?"
Regina: Hell no, I was just being polite.
"Yes,Gala!"
Then we looked at each other for a long time,staring
Lara: then our eye's got really dried out and we had to blink.
into each others eyes.We moved closer and closerAnd
Regina: Finally whacked into each other.
just when we were about to kiss,a maid walked in with some clean bedding and took the dirty bedding.And we were blushing until she left.
"Um.......Noa mutter
I said"Well we should get some sleep."We have a big day tomorrow."
"Okay.Just wait until I feed Cort."
Lara: (shoving something down something's throat) Here! Eat this darn it! EAT, EAT, AND EAT! Why wont you eat!?
Darc'I: (as gala) Uh, I don't think that's right...
And with that we fell a sleep as soon as our heads hit the pillow.
Regina: Bonk, bonk, ouch! These damn pillows are hellva hard!
Lara: Alright! Let's get outta here before Natla can start up the next part!
Scrambling, swears, the usual is heard as the head out the door.
0...1...2...3...4...5...6...Living room.
Regina: Arr! Now to the box! I want my Advil!
Darc'i: Alright, everyone out of the room, I'm going to test it!
Lara: Do you have the right equipment?
Darc'I: Of course, now take these helmets and go turn the couch over.
(hands two military style helmets to Lara and Regina, puts one on her own head. Lara and Regina then go and turn the couch on it's side and hide behind it.)
Darc'I: Now then, (pulls out a very long stick and comes behind the couch with the other two.)
Lara: What is the stick for?
Darc'I: This is how we test for a bomb.
Regina: What!?
Darc'I: quiet you, now lets get this show on the road.
(sticks the pole out across the room and gives the box a shove. Nothing happens. She shoves it a bit harder, but still nothing happens. Frowning Darc'I stands up and begins bashing the box very hard)
Regina: No! She might damage the Advil!
Lara: Stop her!
They wrestle the pole out of Darc'i's hand and go over to the box, Regina pulls out a knife and begins sawing though the tape then flings the box open. She sticks her head in and a small explosion is heard, lifting her head back out we see it is covered with black and her hair is sticking out.
Regina: ............ouch..................
She falls over while Darc'I and Lara go over to look in the box.
Lara: Hmmm, here's your Advil Regina.
Regina: Owwwwwww.....................
Darc'I: Hey! There's shampoo and soap in here! No more bathing with detergent and dish soap! That means no more rashes, huzzah!
Lara: Hmmm (digging through the rest of the box) a few more games, food, the soap, the Advil, toothpaste, and...what the 'ell? Why do we need this? (holds up a computer programs box, it says interior decorator on the front)
Darc'I: There's a note...
Regina: Some.........one, help............me.........
Darc'I: 'Dear guinea pigs,'
Lara: Lousy little....
Darc'I: I have noticed that you decided to make your surroundings more comfortable, while I condemn this I decided, upon seeing your futile attempts, that you need help. Use this software wisely, Natla' (looks around the room) It's not THAT bad!
Lara: Of course it's not! I help design it!
Regina: People, I'm in serious pain here, help me...
Lara: Shut up and take the Advil! (lights begin flashing) Oh no! Natla got the rest of the story up and running. (Lara and Darc'I run out of the room and Regina follows them, limping, after downing a few Advil's of course.)
6...5...4...3...2...1...0...theater.
Conkram-Chapter 2-The Dream
Darc'I: The dream of genie?
Lara: Now that was just stupid.
"Noa...."
"Noa"......" It sounded like someone was calling from a far distance.She was dreaming
"Huh?Who are you?" exclaimed Noa.
"You know who I am!"
Regina: No I don't.
Darc'I: Yes you do.
Regina: No, I don't!
Darc'I: Yes, you do!
Regina: Now see here! Stop contradicting me!
Darc'I: I'm not contradicting you! You're contradicting me!
Regina: Am not!
Darc'I: Are to!
Lara: How long are you two planning on doing that?
"M-m-mother?"
Regina: No dumb ass, IRS. Open up.
"Yes!"
Lara: No! Wait! Yes, no, hold on, I've got it! Yes!...No! Give me a second!
"B-but I thought you dies when Conkram did."
Regina: That's right! I'm a zombie! Blargh! Boga boga boga!
"Noa,Conkram isn't dead! ...We are still alive!The inside it is still alive.It closed itself up to preserve it's life to live without the Mist!
Darc'I: (as Noa) The mist is gone lady, get with the times!
!Please! Free us from this hell!You have the power of the Ra-Seru!"
Lara: Well, he he, you see, there's a real funny story about that...
"No,Mother,We don't.they died..When we destroyed Juggernaut in RimElm."
"That's what you think!
Darc'I: Yeah! You didn't destroy nothing dumbass!
Terra,Ozma,and Meta maybe..But what about the ones that are talismans?
Regina: Talismans? What the f**k?
Lara: Regina!
Horn,Mule,Palma and Jedo?
Regina: Horn?
Darc'I: Palma?
Lara: Jedo?
Regina: MULE???
Darc'I: Pikachu?
Lara&Regina: ???
Their power was preserved when Zalan
Darc'I: Zalan this, Zalan that, that's all I ever hear out of you! Are you having an affair with this man?!
Regina: Yes *sob* I've left you rich and powerful father for...a black smith!
Lara: dum, dum, dum, dum.
worked them..making them immortal.Wiat
Lara: I'm a 'Wiat'ing! I'm a 'wiat'ing!
for them to hatch!just wait!"
Lara: (as Noa) Hold on! You said 'wait'!
And With that the voice of Minea disappeared.
"Mother!!come back!Moooooooother!!"
Darc'I: I need some one to do my laundry!
"Wahhhhhhhhhh"
Noa woke up with a startle.Gala was sitting there with Cort.He had a grin on his face.
Regina: What have you done!? You've killed him haven't you!?
"Guess he doesn't like me."
Darc'I: That's an understatment.
"I think he has to get used to us."
Lara: Unfortunatly that's impossible, for anyone.
"Noa?What's wrong?You looked like you seen a ghost."
Regina: (as Noa) No! It's worse!
Darc'I: (as Gala) Huh?
Regina: It's...the IRS!
All: Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!
"I had a dream...about my Mother.She was calling to me.She said
Lara: She said I had to come home right away and help with dinner, gotta go! Sorry for grounding you with the kid!
Conkram was still alive! We have to go there!"
"Well we can't tomorrow.Vahn's and Mei's wedding is
Darc'I: Screw that!
then.We'll have to talk to Vahn at the reception.okay?"
"Sure.Now,Gala get some sleep!"
Regina: I just was asleep moron! You're damn brat woke me up! He then flings the baby at her.
The next day,Zopu talked to me of becoming Master Teacher again.And Noa would be a cook if she were to live in the monastery.We agreed and then got ready for Vahn's wedding.I wore my ceremonial Master Teacher robe and Noa bought a new dress. it was like her mother's.
Darc'I: That is to say: I hated it, shudder.
It was scarlet and had ribbons in the back.it was thin-strapped with a v-neck.it was long,which went down to her ankles.
Lara: Um, I can't think of how to mock that, there must be a way!
Regina: Oh no! We're losing our touch!
Darc'I: Break! We need a break!
Lara: Then take one we must!
Darc'I: But it's not the end of the chapter!
Regina: That can be fixed...(pulls out a big honkin' sniper rifle, takes aim, and shoots out the projector, it then catches on fire)
Lara: Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Look what you've done! Run! *cough* Run!
Coughing and shoving our brave heroines make their way out of the theater as the sprinklers come on.
0...1...2...3...4...5...6...reck room.
Lara: You moron! You've ruined the theater! Wait, that's bad?
Darc'I: Of course it's not! We're saved!
All: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
The light on the desk starts flashing and Darc'I hits it. Larson comes on screen.
Larson: How is ya'lls doin'?
Regina: (grinning proudly) We burned down the theater!
All: *grinning proudly*
Larson: Well, now that's right...WHAT?!? You all burnted down the the-A-ter!? Oh Miz Natla'll have you're hides!
Lara: Yes, well, what are you going to do about it?
Larson: MIZ NATLA!!!!!!
Darc'I: Oh crap.
Natla: (comes running on screen) *gasp*What? What happened?
Larson: They is burnted down the theater!
Natla turns an interesting shade of purplish red and closes her eyes. Turning away she begins breathing rapidly.
Natla: Larson...I...want...it...fixed...NOW!
Larson: Uh, yes ma'am.
Natla: As...for...you...three...you...must...now...watch...it...in...the...living...room! *stomps off screen*
Larson: Aw shucks.
Regina: She can't do this!!! Our reck room is sacred! She can not deface it this way!
Lara: I agree, but how can we keep her from doing it?
Darc'I: I don't think that there really is anything we can do; if we tick her off enough she might halt our food shipment!
Regna: No! That means no more Advil!
The lights go off, the three plop themselves down. Lara lying on the couch, Darc'I and the floor, and Regina in a bean bag chair.
"Wow.Noa,You look Beautiful!"I think
Lara: I'm running out of false compliments.
I'm more in love with her every time i see her.Only Vahn knows I am.
Regina: And of course he wishes he didn't.
Thank you!You look..uuhhh...
Darc'I: tubby? Is that right?
Regina: Ummm, how about honky, hows that?
Lara: Nah, I like 'like you've been hitting the doughnuts pretty hard' the best.
Hand-some?yeah!that's right!"I think I'm more in love with him every time I see himshe thought.Things have been awkward between us ever since we almost kissed.
Regina: I'm telling you, it wasn't almost kissing, it was not blinking and then smacking into each other.
"Well,Shall we go?"
Lara: NO! We shall not!
"Yes,we shall!"
Lara: Shan't!
She exclaimed"Ohh...Wait a minute!What about Cort."
Darc'I: Screw 'em, leave 'em to the wolves, what ever suites your taste.
Then one of the Maids came up to us.
"Ms.Noa,I'll look after him for you.I love
Regina: To eat, um...
babies.I want one of my own some day.
Regina: They are SOOO tasty! Uh, I mean...
This will give me some insight!"
Regina: Into the preperation method, oh, crap! I didn't really mean that! Yes! No, no I didn't and that's final!
"Thank you Lily!"
Darc'I: It's Winifred.
"Don't mention it!"
Lara: Giving their manners they wont, so don't worryl.
And with that we set off.We got there just in time.We sat down
Darc'I: And realized we had actually missed the whole wedding. Crud Muffins!
Lara: Crud Muffins?
Regina: Where did that come from?
Darc'I: Uhhhhh, I don't think you want to know...
.the wedding was on the shores of RimElm.Everyone in RimElm was there.Even Zalan and Pepe.
Regina: Add two more 'es' to that and you have one disturbed child.
Darc'I: And two stupid, or possibly malicious, parents.
They made the Wedding rings.Ixis,Nene,Val,Maya,Tetsu everyone!It was a beautiful ceremony.There was a trestle decorated with pink and white carnations.and Mei!her dress was white with little red roses going down all the seems.
Lara: So many in fact, her already pudgy form was added to considerably.
i knew she made it herself.She is a professional tailor.
Regina: And that is yet another point against female game characters everywhere. Keep us in your hearts everyone and we WILL triumph!
Darc'I: Hallelujah!
Lara: Hallelujah!
At the reception,Noa told Vahn about her dream and Conkram and baby Cort.
Lara: And her new ditch cleaning position and her new perm and her new pet chocobo...oops, wrong game.
"So..There are still Ra-Seru left?Maybe Teig
Regina: Shit! We didn't play this game that long ago! I don't even remember half of these people! Guess that shows how dull it was.
didn't want Conkram to die.He just wanted the Sim-Seru gone.
Darc'I: Gone! Be gone dammit! Fear me!!!!
Lara&Regina:...
We'll check it out.Mei?
Lara: That big dummy now must ask his wife for permission to do anything, wise choice.
I'm so sorry!but I am needed."
Regina: I missed something, whose talking now?
"Sure!I'm going too."
"What?!"All three of us said at the same time.
Darc'I: No you aren't! We need you to stay here and keep Vhan out of our way!
Lara: (as Vhan) Hey!
Darc'I: Uh did we say that out loud we meant, uh, you've got to stay and...keep, VHAN...out of...the way...d'oh!
"I'm going!
Darc'i: And there's not a damn thing you can do about it!
When I was in Juggernaunt,I hand to be strong and fight!
Regina: I had to bitch long and hard to get a better room inside of that thing!
And It was a eternal struggle but it made me stronger on the outside!
Lara: (as Noa, punches Mei in the face, who falls down) Stronger on the outside my ass!
Please let me go!Nothing you say is going to stop me!
Darc'I: Yeah! I've you don't let me I'll do this! (makes puppy dog eyes and looks sad) 'PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE??????????????'
"Well if you feel that strongly...Said Vahn". I think he was still in shock.
Darc'I: But then, he's always in shock.
Then we set off to Conkram..
Regina: How exactly did they get there?
Lara: Who gives a damn? Wanna go see how Larson is doing? I think this thing has befouled our living room long enough...
Cut to the theater, Larson is trying to repair the projector with a hammer.
Larson: Hmmm, now lets a see here, hows about dis?
He smacks the projector hard and apiece flies off and hits him in the head.
Larson: Ouch. Uh, hows abouts dis?
He whacks the part where the cord hooks up to the machine. A big bolt of electricity comes out and shocks him. He sits there a bit dazed and frazzled looking, then catches on fire.
Larson: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Cut back to the living room.
Various screams, shouts, moans, and curses come from the direction of the theater. Everyone looks disinterested.
Darc'I: Nah, it's more comfortable in here. Besides, we wouldn't want to distract his tinny little brain now would we?
Lara: I guess not, but we do get a break now, I'm getting some thing to eat.
Regina: Bring me something.
Darc'i: Yeah, me too.
Lara: What do you want?
Regina: Use your imagination.
Lara: Uh, okay...
Lara walks out, a few minutes latter she returns with a pack of soda, two charred pieces of something and a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. She hands the charred things to Darc'I and Regina.
Regina: Uhhh, what happened to our food?
Darc'I: Yeah, this looks like a Brillo pad.
Lara: You both know that if I get anywhere near a microwave it explodes or something else unpleasant. So if you were too damn stupid to remember that...
Regina: Alright! Alright! Just shut up! We'll eat 'em!
Sirens and such go off.
Lara: Hehe, we don't even have to move!
Conkram-Chapter 3-Uru Mais
Regina: Uru Anus.
Lara: Ewww.
First we had to stop at Octam
Darc'I: Because I forgot to hit the bathroom before we left.
to take the flying train to Karisto Kingdom Station.Noa always loved the the fyling trains.
Lara: And I always liked trying to shove her out...
She's like the wind..always flying,Always exporling,wondering,
Regina: Always being a pain in the ass...
never afraid to ask anything.Her innocence seems to keep her hopeful and happy.When we got off we bought some healing berries from the peddlar.Then one of the talisman started to glow...It was Ra-Seru Horn.
"Hey!"said Mei,"It's hatching.And we all gathered around.Mei never seen a Ra-Seru hatch before...it is magnificent.her eyes were filled with wonder and amazement.Crrrrrrrrraaaaaackkkk. it was done.It glowed and hovered over Mei."Mei.."Said Vahn,"It has chosen you."
Regina: Aw crap.
Just like that it was attached to Mei's arm
Lara: (as mei) Aiiiiiiiiiie! Get it away! Get it away!
and Speaking to our minds.Finally!Awake after all these years!My name is Horn, Mei,And I am pleased to meet you!You have a healing heart and soul..use my powers well to heal your allies in battle.And to poision enemies.Use it well!
Darc'I: Seeing as only Mei heard this see didn't see it fit to share with the others and promptly poisoned them all and left 'em for dead.
Lara: What did I ever see in them?
After all the excitiement we bought a Door of Wind and Flew over to Dr.usha's research Lab.
"Dr.Usha!"exclaimed Noa,"It's me,Noa!"
Regina: (as the Dr.) Who?
Lara: (as Noa) It's Noa!
Regina: Am I supposed to know you?
Lara: Grrr, it's me! And these other idiots!
Regina: What ever, get out of my house or I'm calling the cops!
"Noa! how good to see you! Is Vahn and Gala with you?
Darc'I: Oh well, don't answer, I really don't care...
It matters not,
Darc'I: Hey! I was right!
Lara: Yeah, this guy could be inviting complete strangers into his house with out knowing it.
I'll find out when you come up."And he sent the elevator down,as we got on,We were shook by a glow of another talisman.it was Palma this time.
Regina: You know, that sounds a lot like 'Palmer', quick! Call the FF7 crew!
"Wow!"Says Noa,jumping up and down.
Lara: Unfortunately she fell off the elevator, the end!
She get's overexcited easily.It glowed magnificentlly and hatched and floated before me "Is it me you have chosen Palma?So it be!"I said.Then he spoke to me:Gala I have heard much about you!I'm glad to help you recover Conkram!Then elevator stopped,we
Lara: All fell off, the END!
must be at the Lab.We traveled up the stiars to were Dr. usha was.We told him about Noa's dream and the Ra-Seru.He didn't know what to say.
Regina: (as the Dr.) I still don't know who the hell you are.
Maye go to Uru Mais,where Teig is.Summon him and ask him."And so we said thank you and goodbye and travelled on to Uru Mais.
Darc'I: But not before we raided his house like the good little RPG characters we were.
And so we arrived at the destroyed Uru Mais.It was Crumpled about a year ago by Juggernaunt while we were getting the fire droplet.There was smoke everywhere.
Lara: Wait, it fell down a long time ago, but it's still smoldering?
Darc'I: Ah, one of the mysteries of life: Why things make no sense in fan fiction.
Regina: It's called a plot hole babe.
Still.
Darc'I: 'Still.' That's one hell of a sentence.
People from Sol Tower where collecting samples of dead Seru,hoping they might invent Seru,made by man but so far they had no luck.I'm not too worried,look what the Seru did to us before.There were still little pieces of the mysterious ruins lying around.
"Wow,"said Vahn,"This brings back memories."
Regina: (as Vahn) *Shudder*
"Haha!Yeah,those were the days...."Noa trailed off.Probably thinking about Terra
Lara: Thinking happily about her at that, no more curfew bed times!
Regina: You already said that.
Lara: *grin* I know.
and her Parents,Queen Mina and King Nebular.Soon they will be together.
Darc'I: Or they won't, what ever, I'm just in it for the booze.
Suddenly two tailsmans started to glow...Vahn reached into the equipment bag and pulled out
Lara: His hand very quickly, those damn Ra-Seru had caught on fire again....
Regina: (as Vahn, to Mei) Fetch me the fire extinguisher woman!
the the dark and water tailsmens.they came to life and into their ogrinal Ra-Seru form.Jedo appeared in front of Vahn and Mule in front of Noa
Darc'I: Oh, sure, give the woman a one named 'Mule'
. Vahn submitted wilingly.
Lara: To the Borg...dum,dum,dum,dum!
.but Noa wasn't so sure,
Lara: Would it make her cooler?
Regina: (as Gala) Come on, you know you want to.
Darc'I: (as Mei) Yeah, it's alright! Use the cigs, uh, the force...I mean force...
I could hear her thoughts.
Regina: Which meant I was physic, I'm gonna get me a job with an online fortune telling dealie! So long suckas!
Can I do this?
All: No.
What if I don't revive Conkram?
All: Who cares?
Could I suffer another heartbreak again?
All: Hopefully not...
If..not I have Gala,He already said he'll take care of me if not
All: But then I hate him...
and I can live at the Monastarery with him...I love him so...but he'll never return it.
All: Smart lad
He didn't like me much to begin with..Well I took a chance the first time...might as well.
Regina: She didn't take a chance the first time, she had lived with the thing for her entire life!
And then she submitted to Mule.
Darc'I: Yes, come to the dark side Noa.
"Hey guys."I said,"Maybe we should build a camp for now,Carry on tomorrow?"
They all agreed I can see they were all
Regina: Drunk, err I mean...
tired.We set up two tents one for Mei and Vahn ,one for Noa and I.
Lara: I don't care if they were married, wouldn't it have been more logical to set one up for the men, and one up for the women?
Regina: Lara, it's a fan fic, get it through your skull: it don't make sense.
And we went to bed,Noa and I were up late talking.She
Darc'I: Just wouldn't shut up! Aiiiiiiiiiie! I can't take it anymore!
Lara: I burst out of the tent, went running, and was never seen again!
was talking about her life with Terra.I could tell she needed to vent,
Regina: So I just sort of hooded my eyes and nodded dumbly, mumbling 'yes ma'am, no, yes, maybe...no............'
I could see it in her eyes.So I asked her if there is anything she wanted to talk about.And so she just started talking and sometimes she cried,I held her
Lara: At arms length and slapped her around till she stopped.
in my arms to comfort her when she did.And told her what I thought,Which
Darc'I: Which wasn't much, considering I'd lived in a friggin' church my whole life and didn't really know jack shit.
made her feel better she always smiled afterward.She started crying again
Lara: So I slapped her again...
after a little while and so I held her again only this time when I was talking to her and looking into her eyes,something came over me... again we moved closer to each other and we were about to kiss...
Regina: At which point Noa made a face and puked all over the place, to say the least it wasn't too romatic.
"Hey I heard Noa crying,"It was Vahn"
Lara: Nosey little S.O.B isn't he?
I thought you were asleep so I came to check up on her...but I guess it wasn't nesseccary."
"It's okay Vahn I'm fine,really.Even if not Gala is here with me"
Darc'I: This comforts her? Why?
Lara: Who knows, maybe she's just happy she doesn't have to go to sleep so...
Regina&Darc'I: Enough!
Gala piped
Regina: Doesn't seem like the type to 'pipe' does she, err, heh heh, he?
up"She's okay Vahn,I'll stay up with her.okay?"
"Okay Sorry guys."And Vahn went back to his tent.
"Is Noa okay?"Asked Mei.
Darc'I: Don't ask me! What do I look like? A goddamn physician!?
"Yeah she's fine.Gala's with her,
Lara: (as Mei) Oh no! You left him with that gaseous freak! Noa! Here I come!
she'll be okay..So I guess he really loves her."
Regina: Naw, are you nuts? She's a princess; he's just after the money and her body. You think her REALLY respects her, hem, 'intelligence'? Ha!
"Yeah,the funny thing is Noa loves him......."
Lara: Yeah, that is funny. Hahahahahahahahahaha! Woo!
Regina: (getting up from the bean bag) Arrgh! My back! I think we'd better go check if Larson's done yet, I don't think that I can sit in those chair for that long again.
Larson walks out, he is covered in third degree burns, oil, and other un-nameable things.
Larson: I's, be done. *falls over*
Lara nudges him with her toe.
Lara: Eww, lets call Natla and get him outa here, we just had the floor cleaned too!
This is the end, my only friend the end...actually it's not, that just sounds soo good...