So this is my first story in forever. I genuinely do not know where it came from, its Achele. A complete work of fiction and I'd really appreciate some feedback since i've been out of the game so long!
Suit and glasses
This was it. What had been my life for the passed three years was now coming to an end. The third season of Glee had wrapped up a couple of months ago and it was the last night of the Glee 2012 tour tonight, which meant that in just a few short hours I would finally get to be myself after hiding for so long. Back to reality. Back to my life. I can still remember the day that my real life had to go on an indefinite standby, when I stopped being honest with myself and the people around me, people that cared about me.
We had done a few promo circuits as all new shows have to do these days and it seemed to be going really well. All the cast was getting along really well, I felt like I was finally in a place where I could be happy. It was after the first few weeks of promotional events when I was called into some 'higher-up's' office and made to feel like the naughty kid in the principal's office. It seems like so long ago now, but the anger that rose up within me just at the thought of it was still as fresh and the day it happened.
"So Miss…" he looked down at a sheet of paper on his desk. "Agron, do you know why I have asked to meet with you today?"
Jeez, the guy couldn't even remember my name. He didn't introduce himself, he was just another powerful looking man at Fox HQ in a suit. I decide to call him Suit & Glasses in my head. He looks like he'd quite happily torture me with a smile on his face. I squirm in my seat.
"No Sir, Ryan hasn't said anything.." I'm cut off quite abruptly.
"Mister Murphy will not be hearing about this meeting, is that understood Miss Agron?" I nod slowly a little confused. At least he remembered you name this time.
"Good. Now I'm going to get straight to the point here. Are you gay?"
"I, well, I don't think that's…" my stuttering only confirms to him what I know he can see in my eyes - fear. My family have known for years and they love me for it, but I am definitely not ready for the whole world to be in my business.
"From now until your appearance on Glee is complete you are not gay." I think I'm just staring in shock at what he's saying to me. "Are you listening to me Miss Agron? And you will be ceasing whatever relationship has developed between yourself and Miss Michele immediately."
"Excuse me? Lea and I aren't, we're just fr…" I pause, take a breath to settle my nerves. "She doesn't even know I'm gay, ok? She's a friend, we've gotten close since the show began but I can assure you Sir, she is just a friend."
My eyes are stuck to a name plate on his desk. It's facing away from me, so Suit and Glasses it is. Even though what I've just said is true, I can't seem to make eye contact, because it's not the whole truth. I have developed what you might call a little crush on her. Not that I would ever do anything about it, even if she was single.
"People have noticed a certain connection between the two of you, especially during interviews. As you can imagine this is causing a bit of a problem for us - the speculation for such a fledgling show is not the kind of attention we need right now. We need a family show. So this stops now, understand me? Or both you and Miss Michele will be looking for new jobs."
I find myself nodding even though I hate all the homophobic bile that just came out of his mouth. I need this job. I know Lea needs this job, she's too proud to go crawling back to New York and admit she failed when she has no idea why. I couldn't let that be because of me, because of my sexual preference.
Suit and Glasses is ushering me out of his office quickly with a reminder that no one, including Ryan, is to know about this and maybe it would be in my best interest to get a boyfriend soon. We've all got to make sacrifices right? I want this job and wasn't exactly ready to go waving my rainbow flag in public yet anyway. How hard could a few years be? I mean I can't be in fake TV high school forever. Maybe the show won't get picked up after the thirteen episodes we've shot. People might not want to watch a bunch of kids sing and dance through their problems. Maybe this whole ordeal won't even matter in a few month time…
How wrong was I, right? This show is a phenomenal success. My crush had only escalated into a full blown obsession. Well, maybe obsession is a bit of a strong term, but you get the idea. We are on our second season tour and I haven't seen Suit and Glasses since that day. That's not to say I haven't been contacted - anonymous text message that make me feel a little bit stalked are becoming the norm in my life these days.
"You are not to live with Miss Michele anymore." I had to blame my moving out on my allergies around the cats we had adopted, she got so mad and didn't speak to me for a week.
"You are to tone down the affection at events. No interviews with just the two of you." That one was harder; Lea was a touchy person, more so when she had had a few drinks. She always had a few drinks at awards shows to settle her nerves, which meant you were met with another text message the next day.
"Do what you have to do, but this stops now. Make her hate you if that is what it takes."
"Don't think that either of you is bigger than the show. Anyone can be replaced."
After we were both interviewed with Chord and Naya at the Golden Globes I genuinely feared for our jobs. I had managed to do as I was asked to a certain degree - I'd dated Alex for a few months and while Lea was still my closest friend, when it came to media events I tended to stay with the whole Glee pack rather than wander off into my little Lea-bubble world. Chris and Jane had won tonight and I guess I was high on emotions and adrenaline so when Lea began getting handsy during the interview I just let her get on with it. It felt good to have her this close to me again, even though it hurt that I couldn't have her completely the way I wanted.
We were in a taxi back to my place an hour later, she'd decided she was staying over after she practically begged me for one of our movie marathons with puppy dog eyes, pouts and declarations that I didn't love her anymore. If only she knew. As we curl up on the couch in our PJ's I can see that the effects of the champagne haven't quite worn off her as she wobbles, dramatically tosses herself headfirst over to my side of the couch and drops her head on my shoulder with a sigh. I can't stop myself dropping my arm around her after I push play on our John Hughes marathon.
"You know, tonight is the first time you've let me near you in months Di?" she says it in an off-handed manner but I can feel the truth behind it. I can always feel when she is hurting.
"I don't know what you mean Lee." Lies. God I feel awful lying to her like this. She has turned her head on my shoulder and is staring up at me with those eyes that kinda make me want to give her anything she wants.
"Di, I practically had to pin you down to spend time with me tonight. If I did something to upset you…"
"NO! Of course you didn't! I've been in a weird place recently and I don't want you to think that it will ever change how I feel about you, I just…" oh God, it going to come out like word vomit, I can't keep this from her. She doesn't deserve to be feeling like she's in the wrong.
"I need to talk to you about someth.." My phone beeps. Text message. A feeling of dread comes over me as I excuse myself from the room
"Enough is enough Miss Agron. That was strike one. For both of you."
Shit. I take a few moments to sort my head out. I can't believe I came so close to almost blowing it. Lea wouldn't stand for this shit. If I'd told her she would have went berserk and we would both be unemployed by the morning. Pull it together Agron!
A few more deep breaths and I enter the lounge to find Lea asleep. She has a frown on her face and the guilt washes over me again for making her feel like I don't want to be around her anymore. I gently lower myself into my previous position and smile slightly when she snuggles back into me. I press a small kiss to the top of her head.
"Don't ever doubt that I love you Lea. I love you too much, that's the problem here." I whisper into the dark, wishing I had the courage to really tell her rather than being the coward I am now.
That was a few months ago, back to the tour. Things haven't been the same since that night; Lea has questioned me so many times about what I was going to tell her. She's not stupid, she knows something is up and that whoever had text me that night had stopped me coming clean. I've been evasive and distant. Its getting harder and harder to look at her hurt eyes and not be able to give her the answers she deserves.
We've been on the road too long and I'm starting to feel the long days. I can't afford to get tired, when I'm tired I slip up, if I slip up again… well, I'm not sure how many strikes we get. I am standing beneath the stage during the first of two shows today and I'm in my own little world, wondering how I let myself get in this mess, how I am constantly hurting not only Lea but myself. Everything is hurting right now and I can feel tears in my eyes. I try to push them down and shudder with the surprising amount of effort it takes. Suddenly arms wrap around my waist from behind, a head reaching up slightly to rest on my shoulder. I immediately know its her.
"I wish you trusted me enough to tell me what is hurting you so much that you can't even look people in the eye anymore Dianna." she sighs.
I drop my head and fail at choking back a sob that rattles through my exhausted body. She squeezes me tighter for a moment, kisses my shoulder and is gone.
As soon as she steps away its like the floodgates have opened. It takes all I have to stop the tears by the time I'm due on stage. I've had enough of this, I need to take a stand. My mind is racing and I imagine this is what a breakdown feels like. I'm tired of pretending, its been two years; I want my fucking life back! Time seems to rush by and before I know it I'm stealing a shirt from the merchandise stand and loudly proclaiming that I "LIKE GIRLS" during our performance of Born This Way later that night. Its all a haze, a glorious haze of freedom. I actually feel like pulling Lea into a kiss during the finale of Somebody To Love, why not go the full way; I've just outed myself, I may as well tell Lea that I love her. Two birds with one stone as the saying goes. I only stop because when I do tell Lea, whatever she says as a response, I want it to be ours. I want that moment when I see the understanding in her eyes, when she sees how much I love her, to be just mine and hers.
I race to the dressing room just to catch another glimpse of Lea with what I can only imagine is a goofy grin on my face. She looks up as soon as I enter and I'm surprised by the look of hurt in her eyes.
"Dianna, why didn't…" my phone alerts me to an incoming message and I cast an apologetic glance at her before opening it.
"We have a statement ready for your Tumblr account. It was a political declaration, a show of support. Don't be stupid Dianna, she's got Theo, she'll never love you back. That's strike two." I scoff. Its almost sounded as if Suit and Glasses cared if it wasn't for the second strike.
"Is everything alright Di?" I don't answer her. "Why did you never tell me?"
I know what she is referring to. She wants to know why I've never told her I'm gay, never told her I love her. I think I see it lingering in her eyes, hope, that maybe she could love me back one day. My mind goes back to the text message, to all the text messages from Suit and Glasses. I could just show her them all. I've kept every single one since this whole nightmare began, sometimes I have to read them just to remind myself that this is my life now. But the coward inside me rises up again. Not for me, but for her. I'm so far passed caring about my own career now, but I won't destroy hers for my own selfish reasons, because I think I saw something in her eyes. I choke on the words as they come out - its almost like I'm watching myself say these things from a distance and can't stop it. I can't look at her and my voice doesn't sound like me at all. I sound broken.
"I'm not Lee, you know that…"
She seems genuinely pleased with my show of support for the LGTB community, but she can't hide her true feelings. Not from me. If I sound broken, she looks broken.
I had never noticed that light in her eyes for me, only me, until it had gone out.
I've pulled away from Lea and she knows it. We spend time together only when someone else is there as a safety barrier, I can't possibly be alone with her, not yet. Soon though. Soon I'll be strong enough. Soon turns out to be a year and I still can't quite cope.
My mom is the only person that knows about any of this. It was when I was home for Christmas last year. She was yelling at me over something, asking where her beautiful daughter had gone, thinking I had turned into some big shot Hollywood diva. And I just…. I broke down. I couldn't physically hold any of it inside me anymore; Suit and Glasses, the threats, my feelings for Lea. Everything just burst from me and all my mom could do was hug me. I spent Christmas feeling awful for making my mom feel so helpless.
I spent New Year feeling even worse after Lea drunkenly called me asking why I didn't want to be around her anymore, begging me for forgiveness for something she hadn't done in the first place. When we got back to work after the break she acted like she didn't remember, or maybe didn't due to how drunk she was, and I left things as they were. She's better off without me in her life right now, a shadow of the good, happy person I know I use to be.
The last months seem to fast forward through at such a pace that before I can blink the season three tour is nearly over, one last show and my life can be mine again. I've felt like a complete robot this year, like the old Dianna has forever disappeared down the rabbit hole and even when this is over, we graduate from Glee, I don't think I can ever be that person again.
Suit and Glasses seems to have taken to taunting me, knowing that the fight has gone out of me after my few shows of resistance last year.
"Miss Michele seems very happy with Mr Stockman. We are glad you came to your senses Miss Agron."
"She's single and still doesn't want you. It seems to have been a good decision not to throw both of your careers away for a fantasy."
The latest, which arrived a few hours ago, simply said "Well done, you never had to use your final strike."
I laugh humourlessly, like it somehow matters that I had three strikes. That's when something in me snaps and I realise that this is the last night for Glee. EVER. I'm not going to see Lea again if I don't do something about it right now. I at least have to try to save our friendship, I can't let that prick win. Its just not in me to give up. Its taken three year but that Agron fighting spirit it rearing its head.
I call my mom to tell her what I'm doing, she deserve to know that I'm finally taking a stand. She's crying down the phone line and at first I'm worried until I hear "its so good to have you back my little lamb," and that's when I know for sure I'm doing the right thing.
I use my stealthy skills that I picked up from years of family snowball fights to sneak into Lea's dressing room unnoticed while she went for coffee and settle myself on the couch waiting. Waiting for her, like I have been for the last three years; waiting for her to be single, waiting for her to love me back, waiting so that if, no when, I finally have the courage to do this, Suit and Glasses won't be able to ruin her career. She finally wanders into the room, coming to an abrupt halt when she spots me. She checks that her name is on the door. It would almost be comical if it didn't hurt so much that she thinks she's more likely to have walked into the wrong room that for me to be waiting for her, to be alone with her.
"Before you say anything Lea I just want you to know that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I could never be brave enough to tell you what was happening in my life that made me pull away from you. But I'm being brave now, I think, so I just…."
I hand her my phone. Every single text message, at least one per week, from the last three years of my torment. She takes the phone in a daze and backs into a chair, like she can't believe its real, that I'm alone in a room talking to her. She just stares at me.
"Please, I'm begging you Lee, please just read them."
And she does, in complete silence. She never glances up at me once. There's a gasp after about ten minutes and I find myself wondering what she's just read. Her hand flops into her lap when she's done, tears in her eyes. I can see her hands shaking and I'm not sure if I should go to her. What if she's mad at me? What if I have just built up this illusion of a great forbidden love that never got to be?
"You could have told me about this Di…" she whispers.
"You know I couldn't do that to you. This was your dream job. I couldn't gamble with that."
"Why? Why tell me now?" her eyes have finally lifted and they seem to be boring into my own.
"Because I might never see you again. Its all over now Lea and I couldn't let you go until you knew. Knew that I never wanted to move out of our home, or hurt you or shut you out of my life. I tried to tell you last year but…"
"After the Golden Globes?" I nod. "And the LIKE GIRLS shirt? You seemed so excited, you were my Lady Di again." Lea's forehead creased in thought. "That message about the Tumblr statement?"
"Yeah it came through when I was about to tell you that…" I trail off, unable to meet her gaze again.
"Tell me what Di?" Deep breath Agron, suck it up and make your mom proud.
"That I love you Lea. That I'm in love with you. Have been for three years and the only reason I've put you through this, why I've been a terrible person, is that I was trying to protect you. And your heart."
There are tears in her eyes as she grabs one of my hands and I can feel that spark that was always there when we touched. God, its been too long. My eyes lock on hers with such a sense of hope in me that I cannot even explain.
"But you broke your own heart Di, you smashed it and locked it away for nothing,"
"Not for nothing Lea, for everything. For you."
I pull our connected hands and envelop her into a hug that I've needed for longer than I can remember. Lea sinks into it immediately and I begin to silently cry on her shoulder. She pulls away from me slowly, pushing my hair back behind my ear so she can look into my eyes clearly, like she's finally got the real me back to look at.
There's a knock at the door that startles us out of our reverie.
"One minute Miss Michele!" comes through the door.
Crap! We're due on stage. She gives me an apologetic look, knowing we won't have a chance to speak until the concert is over.
"Later, I promise" she yells over her shoulder as she rushes for her opening number.
I'm bouncing around the stage like I use to when I was her Lady Di, back when I was still trying to let myself be happy. Cory makes some crack about Dianna Swagron being back in the house during Empire State of Mind and I couldn't agree more. Even if Lea can never love me back, never forgive me, at least she knows. Knows that I did it for her.
We perform Somebody to Love and she links our arms during Amber's high note, giving me a hip bump like she use to. Its amazing how much I have missed that five seconds of contact over the last year, like I've had to stop my body from physically reaching out to her out of sheer need.
I sing Lucky with Chord and can barely take my eyes away from Lea, who is standing off stage watching, as I sing "lucky I'm in love with my best friend." I'm singing it to her, just I like I have every other time I've performed this song only this time she knows that its for her.
I've glimpsed Suit and Glasses lingering around backstage during my breaks and have managed to avoid him like the plague. He hasn't changed in three years, same hair, same glasses, same suit. He's not going to ruin this night for me, he's taken too much of my life away from me already. We are about to go out for our final song Born This Way, I've got my LIKES GIRLS shirt back on and a smile on my face. I feel weightless, like the stress of all of this… well, all this shit for lack of a better term, has been lifted away from me.
I burst onto the stage and Cory gives me the same look he did a year ago. His "what the fuck" smile. I get a few high fives as I bounce back up the stage passing the others in their shirts.
The song is over in a blur. Glee is over. The crowd are going wild as we take our final bow when suddenly her voice blasts through the arena.
"Excuse me Gleeks, I'd like to show my shirt too! Is that alright with you guys?" I'm pretty sure the screams that follow are a yes.
She races onto to stage, front and centre while the rest of us stand behind her in the same line we were in for our bow. Her back is to us as she strips her jacket off, revealing her shirt to the audience, who are momentarily silent. Come on, its just a NOSE shirt guys. But then Chris is nudging me in the side, telling me to turn around and look at the huge monitors on the stage.
Ok, there's Lea, with her eyes scrunched closed and her shirt say… Oh. Oh God.
LOVES DIANNA
She's obviously written it herself on a plain shirt in her cute handwriting.
My mouth literally drops open as I turn back around to face her. She still has her eyes closed as I make my way up behind her.
Did you ever imagine that everyone was watching you? Like all the eyes in the room are following you? Yeah? Well I'm not imagining this - fifteen thousand people are staring at me, waiting silently to see what I'll do. I feel like it takes infinitely longer than the five second it actually takes for me to reach her, gently sliding her hand into my own. I turn her to face me as there is an audible "awww" from the crowd before silence resumes. She drops her microphone to take my other hand in hers.
"Do you mean it Lea? Do you…"
"You broke your own heart to protect me Di. Please let me fix it."
I'm completely stunned, I can only nod as the stupid grin plants itself firmly on my face. I've got a feeling it might become a permanent fixture as she tugs me gently towards her and our lips meet for the first time. The whole world seems to evaporate for that moment as I disappear into her. We are pulled from the instant by Heather giving a loud "WHOOP" followed by the rest of the Glee cast cheering. Suddenly its like the crowd have been jolted back to life and the sound of cheering is deafening. In all our shows over three years I've never heard anything like it.
Lea pulls my arm around her shoulder and the rest of the guys come up to meet us, giving our final bow and racing off the stage in a state of complete euphoria. I can't let go of Lea's hand, its seemingly stuck similarly to the smile on both our faces. We gather our things as quickly as we can with one hand each. We need to get out of here as soon as possible; to talk about everything, to just be in each other's company for the first time in forever, to kiss her again.
We rush along the corridor towards the exit when I see him, Suit and Glasses. This time he sees me too. There is a small smirk on his face that starts a feeling of panic within me. Lea must sense me stiffening up and she gives my hand a squeeze and smiles. I relax immediately - he can't touch us now'
"Well played Miss Agron" he says as we pass.
"Who was that Di?"
"Someone from the past Lea. Someone that doesn't matter anymore" I say as I pull the arena door open. She turns back to look at him one last time, realising who he is and how much of an affect he had on her life from afar.
The last light of the day streams over us as we make our way to my car, putting our bags in the boot before both climbing in the front seats. She leans over the console and rests her head on my shoulder like she use to.
I look in my mirror as I prepare to reverse. Suit and Glasses is standing at the arena door and I pause my motions, burning my gaze into him. Lea looks up to question why I haven't pulled away.
"Pull away Di, drive us off into the sunset and leave him in your rear-view mirror where he belongs." She clasps her hand over mine of the steering wheel.
"It almost sounds like there might be a metaphor in there somewhere Miss Michele."
"Well you know what Rachel always said about metaphors…."
END