A/N: What the hell is this.

So on Monday I was talking to one of my new favorite people, AkumaStrife, and she challenged me to write a Christmas fic. She only gave me three words: Christmas cookies, tinsel, and candy canes. I don't think this turned out exactly Christmasy (more WTF-ish or something) but I hope she likes it anyway. Also I haven't watched Ouran in forever so I apologize for OOC-ness, among other weirdness.

Christmas was a time when everyone was spending and shopping and shopping and spending, which meant it was the perfect opportunity for the host club to collect money to use the following year. Most of the club didn't think of fundraising as the most interesting activity, so Kyouya found a way to make it interesting. He proposed that everyone should come up with an item or service to sell over the month of December. The majority of the proceeds would go to the club's budget, but whoever won would get a special vacation in the place of their choosing, partly funded by Kyouya. As expected, bribery worked, and the whole host club went to work on planning what to sell.

Kyouya expected the worst (or best, depending the point of view) from Hikaru and Kaoru. The twins always managed to outdo themselves in terms of shocking most of the host club and exciting the yaoi fangirls. There was the time Kaoru stole one one of Haruhi's bikinis and wore it to one of their tropical-themed parties, for example. The only reasons Haruhi even had a bikini in the first place was thanks to Tamaki, although several of them, Kyouya included, speculated it was really for himself. In any case, the twins attracted even more attention than usual that day, especially as soon as Hikaru began rubbing sunscreen onto his brother's back. It didn't matter that the party was indoors, not to them or the girls watched them eagerly with wide eyes, as if they'd miss something special with just a blink. The Hitachiins always knew how to put on a show.

Given all the past events, Kyouya found himself morbidly curious when Hikaru and Kaoru presented him with their fundraising idea. They handed him a large envelope wordlessly, both wearing their usual mischievous smiles. While he was desensitized to the majority of their little displays of affection, he always had to mentally prepare himself for something even more outlandish than the last. A few seconds passed before Kyouya picked up the envelope and removed its contents.

It looked innocent enough at first. A calendar with Hikaru and Kaoru in one of their typical embraces on the cover. However, the twins' smirks hadn't wavered, so Kyouya knew the contents had to be more...suggestive.

"I was expecting another doujinshi," Kyouya said, thinking back to when the twins made a comic of themselves. There wasn't much of a story and the artwork was amateur at best, but somehow the combination of yaoi and lots of glitter managed to win over many girls. Kyouya wasn't sure what they did with the money they received from it, but he decided it was best not to ask.

"That was a lot of work," Kaoru said, waving his hand dismissively. "It takes an awfully long time to think of a story and get the drawings right and add the right amount of glitter. With the calendar all we needed was a room, a camera, and some nice music to set the mood."

He made it sound like they were filming a porn. Admittedly Kyouya wouldn't be totally surprised if that was their next idea.

Hikaru nodded and grabbed his twin's wrists. "And of course, I could never accurately depict your beauty on paper, Kaoru. No one ever could."

"Oh, Hikaru..."

Kyouya did his best to ignore them and cautiously flipped open the calendar. January featured a picture of them "wrestling" in the snow. It was rather tame by their standards.

"That's a fairly old picture. In fact, finding it was what gave me the idea to make a calendar," Hikaru stated proudly.

There were more scandalous pictures to come, Kyouya knew. The one for February showed Hikaru in a prince outfit carrying a starry-eyed Kaoru bridal-style. The background was a hot pink that made Kyouya feel like his retinas were burning with red hearts scattered everywhere. Funny how the colors bothered him more than the content.

"You should wear dresses more often, They're easier to take off, you know," Hikaru said, smirking.

"Hikaru! You're embarrassing me!" The younger boy blushed.

March's picture was from the holiday party during which Kaoru donned a bikini. His hand lay low on Hikaru's back while his fingers danced on the strings of the bikini top. They were looking at each other intimately. Kyouya could have sworn he saw a random girl smiling widely in the background, but he wasn't sure as he quickly flipped to April.

"Mommy!" came the familiarly flamboyant voice of Tamaki as he entered the room. He threw an arm around Kyouya's shoulders, earning Tamaki a glare from his senior. He didn't care since he was used to being on the receiving end more than anyone else. If anything it made him feel special. "What are we looking at?"

"The Hitachiins made a calendar for the Christmas fundraiser, so I'm reviewing the pictures to make sure it's appropriate-WHAT IS THIS."

Kaoru looked at the picture. "Oh, that! Well, you know, we're not the only ones the fangirls like to see be romantic together."

"They pair up virtually everyone with everyone. It's like a soap opera. So we took it upon ourselves to dress up as you two since we didn't think you'd be up to doing it," Hikaru added.

Kyouya looked as if he was trying to shoot lasers from his eyes at the redheaded brothers. He was fine with – or tolerated, at least - the whole twincest act, but this...He was at a loss for words. And to make things worse, Tamaki started giggling.

"Well, anything for the ladies, and if that's what they like, then I would have done it."

"Tamaki!" Kyouya snapped, blushing slightly.

"What's the matter? Are you not comfortable enough in your sexuality to do something like that with me?" the blonde teased.

Kyouya responded by slamming his forehead on the desk and groaning. Something Tamaki found adorable.

Tamaki stole the calendar from Kyouya's hands. The twins were on top of a piano. The one dressed as Tamaki – Hikaru, he assumed – was on the bottom and the one dressed as Kyouya was straddling him.

"On the bright side, you're the seme in this," Tamaki said, patting Kyouya's shoulder. He replied with a grumble.

Tamaki's eyes lit up when he first saw June's picture. It was a tender scene with Kaoru laying in Hikaru's lap under a tree. Their arms were wrapped tightly around each other. "Did you two say you listened to my CD while taking this picture?"

"We actually ended up using it for most of the indoors pictures," Kaoru replied.

It was then that Kyouya's head rose from the table, a red patch stamped on his forehead. "Wait, it was YOUR CD that helped create this calendar? And you know about this before I did!"

"Yes, they just asked for something romantic, so I recorded a lovely compilation of my piano pieces. It's not like I knew they had this kind of calendar in mind at the time."

"It's quite relaxing, so we told him he should sell it for his fundraiser," Hikaru commented. "We bought a copy to listen to before bed and after we have-"

"Don't even go there!" Kyouya whined.

"-I was going to say dinner."

"Ooh, looks like Mommy's a bit of a pervert, huh?" Tamaki said. "Then I think you'll like this one."

He showed him July's picture. They were sharing a double scoop ice cream cone, which could easily be mistaken for kissing from afar. When customers were around, they never actually locked lips, but they often came very close. Still, the way their tongues were positioned wasn't exactly innocent.

For August, the boys wore matching tank tops and shorts while running hand-in-hand across a sandy beach. It reminded Kyouya of some cheesy scene from a romance movie Tamaki told him about once. He blathered about it for days, which Kyouya thought was more painful than if he'd actually seen the movie himself.

"Oh! That reminds me of that one movie! It was so romantic!" Tamaki gushed.

"We thought you'd say that," the twins said in unison.

"You need to watch it with me sometime! It made me cry!" Tamaki exclaimed, clinging to Kyouya's arm.

Ignoring Tamaki, Kyouya flipped to September. Hikaru was positioned provocatively on Kaoru's lap, his back facing the camera. They sat in a chair with the elder twin's arms dangling loosely around Kaoru's neck. Their foreheads touched as they shared a stick of strawberry pocky. The way they looked at the camera said, "Go away, we're trying to have a moment here."

Nothing too shocking yet, Kyouya thought. But he wasn't at the end yet, so he prepared himself.

October showcased Hikaru in a vampire costume possessively gripping Kaoru, who looked disheveled in his schoolboy uniform. His tie was draped lazily around his neck and half of the buttons of his shirt were ripped open, exposing his chest. Hikaru was pretending to – Kyouya really hoped he was pretending, anyway – bite into his brother's neck. Kaoru's face looked like something that should only be reserved for a bedroom.

"Oh my," Tamaki said, smiling like an excited fangirl.

"The whole vampire thing is quite popular among girls right now, so we're sure they'll love that one," Kaoru said proudly.

Kyouya grunted as if in disbelief. At least he was almost done with the calendar. Just two more pictures. In November's picture, Kaoru had Hikaru pinned to the ground in a pile of leaves. Kaoru's eyes were filled with lust as he slid his twin's shirt and jacket off of his shoulders, his own shirt hanging open.

"Oh, Kaoru's the seme in this one!" Tamaki shouted, smiling.

"You know us, always looking to surprise the girls," Kaoru said. "Also that was taken because he lost that game of strip poker a few weeks ago."

Hikaru growled and shot him a glare. At that moment, the sound of the door opening caused everyone to be quiet and looked to see who was entering the room.

"Anyone want some of my Christmas cookies?" Honey asked cheerfully, holding a plate of colorful cookies in one hand and Usa-chan in the other.

"Finally, someone who doesn't feel the need to whore himself out for the sake of money. You two are like prostitutes," Kyouya sneered as he took a cookie. Tamaki covered Honey's ears to shield him from Kyouya's irritated ranting. In reality it wasn't as bad as he expected, especially when compared to the doujinshi, but of course there was one remaining page.

Ignoring him, Kaoru said, "The last picture is our favorite. I think it will be the ladies' favorite one too."

And that crushed all of Kyouya's optimism.

He turned to December's picture. He barely saw it for a second before he fell out of his chair, earning a hardy laugh from the twins. A slew of uncharacteristic profanities poured out of Kyouya's mouth as Tamaki escorted Honey out of the room.

"Oh, come on, it can't be THAT bad," Tamaki murmured, picking up the calendar. As soon as he saw it blood dripped from his nose. In the dimly lit picture, he saw Hikaru on top of Kaoru, their bodies parallel and so close but not quite touching. Both of them were almost totally naked, except for Santa hats covering their privates. They were bound by a candy cane with either end in their mouths. To top everything off, Kaoru's wrists and ankles were tied tightly together with shiny silver tinsel. It looked like the cover of some hardcore doujinshi or erotic novel or something similar.

"So Mommy approves?" the twins asked, smiling impishly.

Tamaki, for once, was speechless, and just ran away to take care of his nose.

Kyouya had finally recovered enough to rise from the ground and shoot the Hitachiins the most evil stare he could muster. "This...Where do I-"

"Oh, come on, lighten up. It's the holidays!" Hikaru cheered, throwing an arm around Kyouya's shoulder.

"That's right, and we guarantee you that this will be the top-seller," Kaoru added, putting his arm around Kyouya's other shoulder.

Sighing defeatedly, Kyouya finally agreed to let them sell the calendar. After all, he needed all the money he could get for a new piano after they tainted the other one with their smut. "Fine. But you're taking out the picture with you two dressed as Tamaki and me."

"Deal."

–

After the first week in January, Kyouya calculated the total profit for each member's contributions. Surely enough, the Hitachiins' calendar generated the most money. He was unsurprised but disappointed. When he thought about it, it didn't really make sense that girls would want to see two boys make out but also spend time with them in the host club setting. Girls were strange.

"We told you!" Hikaru and Kaoru exclaimed, waving wads of money in Kyouya's face.

"Yes you did," was the flat response.

Haruhi walked by with a copy of the calendar in hand. "Interesting, I didn't know you and Tamaki were in this too."

Kyouya dropped the pen in his hand, his eyes as wide as saucers. "What did you say?"

She showed him the picture. The one the twins said they would remove. "This one. Unless that's just Hikaru and Kaoru in costume?"

His jaw hung open as rage built up inside him. When he looked to the right to lecture the twins, they were already gone. He just screamed something unintelligible and pounded his fists on the table.

Tamaki walked by, putting an arm around Haruhi and guiding her elsewhere so Kyouya could have his temper tantrum in peace. "Don't mind Mommy, dear, she's just PMSing."

Uh, Merry Christmas?