Hello, this is something I had to do for English HN class, and I figured that it was actually not that bad, so I decided to put it on . This is a one shot mystery, and I figure that since Bella is a Mary-Sue, that I'd just reverse her character and call her 'Sue-Mary'.
Also, just incase you live under a rock, I would like to bring the fact that the dude who played Edward also played Cedric in Harry Potter 4, The Goblet of fire, hence the name 'Cedward'.
Please read and enjoy, but watch out for sparkly fairies- I mean vampires.
Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, nor do I wish to.
Vampires Don't Sparkle
Sue-Mary, go to bed!" someone yelled from downstairs, probably Mom.
I sighed and yelled back, "Fine Mom, I just have to finish writing this chapter!"
"This chapter? What? Did you forget to do your homework? Oh no, my daughter forgot to do her homework! Her grade is going to go down the garbage disposal! Noooo!"
"MOM! It's a chapter for my fan fiction, and I don't have any homework! IT'S SUMMER!" I replied.
"Gosh, Mom's rants have been getting more and more annoying!" I say to myself as I submit the typed chapter onto my already existing story, 'Vampires Don't Sparkle!' I checked my story to see if I had received any more reviews, logged off and shut my beloved Mac down.
Grumbling about how crazy Mom is and not wanting to be here in Spoons, Washington, I turned off the lights and climbed under my bed sheets, punching my pillow into a better position. "Well, at least sparkling fairies – I mean vampires – don't exist. If they did, then life would really stink," I thought as I drifted off to sleep, my dreams impatient.
Thump BANG Crash!
I bolted upright in bed, a series of loud noises awakening me. "What the peanut butter soup?" I yelled, seriously mad that someone had the nerve to wake me up so early. I looked around my room and saw that my window now had a big hole in it, and something was on my floor, scattering my neat piles of books, paper, and clothing.
"Oy! You Nutella job on my carpet! You're messing up my room! Get out now!" I said to the thing on my carpet, slowly getting off my bed.
"B-but, don't I dazzle you?" the thing simpered, looking up at me with urine colored eyes. It was apparently male, was about 17, and it's hair looked as if it had been cut by a cheap lawn mower; you know, the ones you buy off eBay for 20 bucks, only to have them stop working in the middle of the day for no reason? Yeah, it looked as if it had been cut by that lawn mower's apprentice. It's tee shirt and shorts looked as if someone had coated them in glitter, and were both really tacky. It most certainly did not dazzle me. This loser had broken my window and was now trying to dazzle me! That was extremely rude, but I can deal with it. But intruding on my sleeping time and messing up my room? Totally unacceptable. With my anger boiling up inside of me, I turned around to face the weird sparkling thing.
"Hey, sparkling mob of flesh, clean up my room and repair my window, or else I'll report you to the police," I say, my voice spooky and loud in the almost quiet night.
"Nope!" the thing said, popping the "p."
I fix it with a death glare and slowly advance towards it. "Why?" I asked venomously, my face growing dark.
"Because you rudely called me a sparkling mob of flesh, when I am actually a vampire. Be dazzled by me!" the thing said, raising it's voice to a shout.
My mouth flew open in disgust and surprise, my hands automatically balling into fists.
It was just then that my mom decided to pop her head into my room and ask sleepily, "Sue-Mary, what are you doing? It's too early for loud noises, go back to sleep."
I saw her eyes light up in confusion as I slugged the sparkling 'vampire'.
"Wha-What are you doing? Who is he, and why is your window broken? Sue-Mary, tell me what's going on this instant!"
I looked up at my mom and said fiercely, "How the heck should I know? This creep just broke into my room, woke me up, and now is claiming to be a vampire!"
I turned my attention back to the 'vampire'. "News flash buddy: vampires don't sparkle!" I bellow, now very upset, and I launch myself at him, aiming a punch at his nose.
My fist connected, and his nose made a satisfying "crunch" sound. The 'vampire' staggered back, clutching at his now broken nose as Mom screamed and promptly fell to the floor, unconscious.
"What's wrong with her? What a strange person," the strange vampire wannabe said.
That got me really mad. I mean, yeah, my mom's a control freak, but she's usually nice, and she gives me food and shelter for free! I mean, who else would do that? Now some vampire wannabe just came into my room, messed up my stuff, and insulted my mom. That was the last straw.
I lifted my eyes from my mom to the intruding sparkler, rage making them flash dangerously.
The strange 'vampire' stopped playing with his rhinoceros-ugly hair do when he felt my gaze on him. He glanced up at me, a worried look in his eyes.
I took a step towards him and expressed my thoughts. "You broke my window, woke me up, and insulted my only Mom. I don't even know your name, so I will let you off with a warning this time, if you get your sparkling gluteus maximums out of my home in less than 5 minutes." My voice was dark, venom dripping off every word.
The 'vampire' just smiled idiotically and said, "I'm Cedward! Now that you know my name, what's yours?"
My control snapped, and if you looked close enough, I would bet money that you would be able to see a vein pulsing on my forehead.
"That's it, I'm going to go 5th degree black belt on your obnoxious behind!" I growled, shifting into a sparring stance.
"Wait, what?" was all Cedward had time to say before I leapt through the air and kicked him back out of my window, yelling like a mad-woman as we fell to my lawn.
"Oof!" went the sparkling Cedward, as he landed on a random slab of cement. "Ow! What the sparkles!" he said in surprise.
Wordlessly, I jumped off of the giant stack of pillows that had broken my fall, ran over to the edge of my lawn, grabbed a sign out of the ground, and held it like a baseball bat in my hands. I measured its weight and durability quickly and turned around to face it – I mean him.
I ran at him and swung the sign at his head, concentrating hard on making it connect with it's target. My efforts were rewarded by the sign doing its job, and Cedward falling to the ground, the words "Yard Sale" backwards were painted on his face. I proceeded to grab bookshelves and lamps and large boxes that had some Italian word on all of them and whatever else I could find, and threw them at Cedward, hoping that he would just turn to dust.
"Hm, 'Fra-gi-le'…it must be Italian!" Cedward shouted from under the growing pile of artifacts.
"Dang! He's still alive! I'd better find something more effective to use against him. I know! There's always a spare bottle of holy holly water behind the potted plant at the front door!" I thought. I quickly ran and grabbed the pitcher of the blessed holy holly water and hurried back to the great pile of refuse. I climbed to its peak slowly. I didn't want to waste any!
At its peak, I looked around, trying to find the most stable part. I picked a giant piece of an airplane shell to stand on, and after I was balanced I started sprinkling my holy holly water over the pile. As I finished pouring the last of the special anti-vampire liquid, I heard the pesky,
Sparkly Cedward yell, "Hey! It's raining! Wow, it feels like—"He suddenly stopped talking as a loud "Thwush" sound was heard, which told me that the sparkly thing had just been reduced to dust.
"Well, at least that's over! Ah, the sun's almost up? Wow, that took longer than I expected," I said to myself as I started walking towards my house to wake Mom up. Sleeping on the floor was even less comfortable than it sounded.
"Aw, dang! I had put all my money on Cedward winning!" An annoying high-pitched voice rang through the air as a group of 6 people suddenly came out of nowhere and formed a circle around me. I raised one of my eyebrows as I noticed that they all had urine colored eyes, bad haircuts, tacky clothes, and a bunch of glitter on them.
"And who are you people?" I asked, my voice guarded.
"I am Primpalie, you may bask in my glory!" a blond female said in a loud obnoxious voice that belonged to a cheerleader.
"Mumble mumble I'm Jumper mumble," said an emo-looking kid with brown hair.
"This big mass of muscle is Ennet!" a burly boy with short blond hair said, flexing his muscles.
"I am Mese," the oldest looking woman said, sounding tired.
"I am Scarlisle," the oldest male said, sounding like a doctor, for some strange reason.
"And I'm Alex! I can predict the future!" the last person stated loudly. I recognized her as the person who had bet all their money on Cedward winning the fight that had happened just a minute ago.
"Then why did you bet on Cedward winning?" I asked, incredulous.
"Ah, well, um, I knew that!" Alex replied.
"That doesn't make any sense…" I trailed off, trying to figure out what her reply meant.
"I knew that, too! Anyways, you killed one of our family members, so you have to be sparklified."
"Oh, purple spray cheese!" I yelled as the 6 sparkling fairies – I mean vampires – began to close in on me just as the sun peeked over the horizon.
"Prepare to sparkle!" Muhahahaha!" Primpalie said sadistically as I screamed at the top of my lungs.
I felt a hand on my shoulder, shaking me awake. "Honey, it's time to get up! Today's the first day of school! You don't want to be late." It was Mom!
"Wha…? What happened last night?" I said groggily, rubbing some sleep out of my eyes.
"Well, it sounded as if you had a very vivid nightmare to me."
"Oh, whew, it was just a dream! Good!" I sighed in relief.
"Honey, you know that I don't want you reading "Twilight!" Oh gosh, what happened to your window? Sue-Mary, what's wrong? Why do you look like you've seen a ghost?"
- END -