Trigger Warning- This fic is really dark and may be upsetting. It deals with a lot of serious topics, so if you're easily distressed please take care if you choose to read on. Thank you.
FYI, it doesn't deal with abuse of any nature, though, if that's something that triggers you.
He had been waking up alone for six years now. It felt so very foreign to him to have that vague awareness of another's nearby presence as he stirred himself to consciousness. He slowly forced his eyelids apart and nearly chocked on his shock as he was awed by the hazily familiar sight of her. He ventured to reach out his hand and carefully stroke a knot of silky, jet black hair away from her forehead. It had been over twenty years since he had woken up next to her. It was insane. Twenty years and yet it felt so comfortable, like they didn't have decades of dirty laundry and curtailed marriages resting between them.
Ted finally managed to push himself into a slightly more vertical position; his eyes drifting away from Robin for the briefest of moment as he tried to track down a clock. Evidently, Robin didn't have one so he settled on tugging his phone off of the nightstand next to him and clicking it on to check the time. He was quickly distracted from this mission as the screen came abuzz with a rapid-fire barrage of notifications. Six missed calls from...Lily? Three from Marshall. Twelve text messages from Lily? Twenty from Marshall! Even Penny had apparently tried calling him a couple of times. He audibly gasped, checked to make sure he hadn't disturb Robin's slumber, and immediately rose from the bed and dashed into the living room.
He randomly selected one of the voicemail that had been left for him and put his phone up to his ear as his heart rose into his throat. He really wasn't allowed to enjoy himself for a day, was he? He had only tried to drop off the face of the Earth for one night and already some sort of crisis had arisen to him strike him straight back into the cold, outstretched hands of reality.
"Ted! The doctor he...Oh God, Marshall! What are you doing here? No, I don't need you to check on me! You need to stay with him! I know, hang on, I'm coming."
Ted pulled his phone away and stared at it in confusion. That hadn't helped him get a grasp on the situation at all. He found that his annoyance had faded, however, and he was now feeling a full-blown anxiety attack creeping around the corner. He decided to listen to the singular voicemail from Penny next, praying that this emergency situation didn't directly involve her or Luke. More than anything he just wanted his children to be okay. They were his universe and he knew that he would fall into disrepair if anything were to happen to either of them.
"Hey, dad. I know that you're with Aunt Robin and all, but um...Aunt Lily called me, she wanted to know where you were because she can't get ahold of you so I told her the truth...I'm sorry, don't be mad. Something happened, I'm not really sure what; she wouldn't tell me. I don't know what's up with her, she sounded like she had been crying. Just call her, dad. Okay? Okay. Love you, have fun. Not too much fun, though! Eww." Ted smiled to himself, relief flooding through his chest. She was okay. Thank God. Luke and Penny were fine. Thank God.
He still had no clue what had happened, though, and his frustration returned with a vengeance as he started to listen to one of his voicemails from Marshall.
"Ted, I don't know if Lily already told you this or not, but she didn't make it. Her injuries were too severe and she lost too much blood, there was nothing the doctors or anyone could do."
The message ended there. His best friend had seemingly dissolved into a fit of tears and given up on the call. Ted felt sick again. Guilty, even. He had felt so relieved after listening to Penny's message, happy almost. It had felt in that moment like the lives of his children were the only significant things in the world, and he had so easily forgotten that his friends were just like him, their lives orbiting around their own children. Immediately his mind wandered to Daisy and Holly. Daisy his sweet, sweet sixteen year-old goddaughter. And Holly, his adorable little fourteen year-old gem of a niece. He pictured one of their lives slipping away in a bloody hospital bed as an inconsolable Marshall wrapped his arms around an inconsolable Lily. No. No. NO. He didn't want his friends to have to go through that, they didn't deserve to go through that. He was sick and tired of the world being so damn unfair. So damn coldhearted. Happiness was such a fickle thing, you take your eyes off it for two seconds and it's gone.
Of course, he couldn't be certain that it was Daisy or Holly that they were talking about. He tried to control his nerves and keep in his tears, morbidly hoping that it was someone less important. Someone like...their neighbor or...He felt guilty for thinking it, but even one of their mothers' deaths would be preferable to one of his niece's. Right, he reminded himself. Really it could be anyone. So, he hesitantly clicked on one of the earlier voicemail's feeling nearly too terrified to listen to it.
"Ted, you're with Robin? Robin!? I can't believe you. Honestly I can't. Could you possibly time this little rendezvous worse!?" Lily sounded furious. Ted felt a spike of anger rise in him as well, until he remembered that Lily had likely just lost someone dear to her and had every right in the world to misdirect her spiraling emotions his way. "One of your best friends is here waiting to find out if his daughter is going to make it through the night and there you are too damn busy sleeping with his ex-wife to pick up the phone!?" Wait. Hold on a minute. Robin wasn't Marshall's ex-wife.
Oh.
Oh God.
Ellie.
Ellie was dead.
Barney...
Ted's blood ran cold. He felt nauseous and dizzy and he hurriedly plopped down on Robin's sofa, feeling like he might just fall over if he tried to keep standing. Just as he dropped his phone down on the couch next to him Robin's bedroom door opened up a crack and she peaked her head out. She smiled when she saw him, but her grin faltered as soon as it dawned on her that he was anything but jovial. "Ted?" she whispered, creeping out of the doorway clothed in nothing but a thin silk robe.
He didn't so much as glance at her. Lily was right. He couldn't believe himself either. Suddenly he didn't want to be in Robin's apartment anymore. Suddenly he would rather be anywhere else in the universe.
"Ted!" Robin shouted, now close enough that she could tug at his arm as a demand for him to look at her. He knew that he should tell her what had happened, but he couldn't even picture himself forming the words necessary to do so.
She sat down next to him and took his chin into her hands, forcefully swiveling his head until they were eye to eye. "What's wrong?" she asked, her voice taking on a softer tone than before.
His lips felt glued together, his tongue felt like a clump of wet sandpaper. He picked his phone up off the coffee table and halfheartedly set it in her lap, prompting her to answer her own question. Better his phone have to deliver the news than him.
She gave him one last confused look before picking up the phone and beginning to scroll through his messages. "What do you want me to...?" she mumbled, before shrugging her shoulders and tapping on the most recent one.
Ted had his volume up just loud enough that he could hear the voice flooding through it and into Robin's waiting ear. "Barney refused to leave the hospital, Marshall had to literally drag him by force to our car. We're taking him to our house for now, but it's not like there's anything we can do for him. I know that you're still with Robin, but when you finally turn on your phone and listen to this...come over. He needs you, Ted. We all need you. Please hurry."
Robin looked at Ted, her body now shaking in fear as she set a hand down on the sofa to ground herself. "What is that supposed to mean, Ted? Why the hell won't you just hurry up and tell me what's going on!?" she finally snapped, throwing the phone down onto the couch in a flurry of emotion.
"Just keep listening to my voicemails, Robin. I don't want to say it...," Ted muttered, fully aware of how childish he was acting. Robin rolled her eyes at him and picked his phone back up.
"Ted..." It was Barney's voice, Ted hadn't even noticed that he had a message from Barney. He gazed at Robin, his mouth agape as he leaned in closer to her, straining to her the quiet, shaky message. "I...um...I'm at the hospital. Ellie ran into traffic...she...," Barney's breathing was growing more and more frantic as the message played on, he sounded like he was fighting with every fiber of his being to keep from letting the wave of sobs brewing up along the coasts wash him out to sea. "She's in really bad shape, Ted. I don't know what to do. I'm going to call Lily and Marshall, but um...when you get this just call me back, okay?"
Robin slowly moved the phone away from her ear, her eyes already glimmering with tears, every bit as openmouthed as Ted. "Barney...," she whispered. "What happened? Is Ellie alright?"
Ted managed to shake his head, and soon Robin's tears broke the dam and flooded down her cheeks. "I'm going down there with you, Ted. I need to see him," she stated, her voice firm even as it wavered.
Ted slowly moved his head up and down as he attempted to will himself to his feet. He felt older than he ever had before, like a tin man with frozen joints in need of oil. "Let's just...I'll drive."
Robin nodded her head and began to walk to the door, glancing over her shoulder after a few steps to make sure he was following her. Her dogs barked loudly from the other room, but she breezily ignored them. She opened the front door and held it open as Ted walked through it. He wished she wouldn't. He wished he could drive to Marshall and Lily's house alone because he felt like a mess and he didn't really want her to see him like this. He was also more than a little afraid that Barney would somehow know what he had done. That he would reach to pull Barney into his arms, to let him cry on his shoulder, and Barney would be able to smell Robin on him like a bloodhound. He felt dirty. If he hadn't already missed so much he would stop to take a shower. But he didn't, he proceeded to his car, Robin trailing silently behind him with downcast eyes and an unsteady gait.
He hopped into the car and started it up as Robin made her way into his passenger seat. The first few minutes of the drive were filled with nothing but the ambient sounds of a New York morning, but then Ted whispered, "I should probably call them and let them know we're coming right?" He saw Robin nod her head from the corner of his eye. He pressed the phone button on his steering wheel, "Call Marshall," he clearly stated. He listened to the dial tone buzz for a moment before Marshall's voice flooded through the car.
"Ted?"
"Hi, Marshall," Ted whispered before realizing he was speaking too quietly, clearing his throat, and repeating his greeting with a few more decibels behind it.
"So you finally got all the messages, huh?" Marshall didn't sound too upset with him, Ted was pleasantly surprised, but he knew that Lily would be a different matter entirely.
"I did," he stated simply, "I'm so sorry that it took me so long."
There was a pregnant moment of silence, heavy with Marshall trying to ease guilt unworthy of being eased. He finally settled on saying, "It's alright, buddy, just come as soon as you can."
"I'm on the way right now."
"Oh, ok, good. Good."
"I'm bringing Robin."
"Did Barney call her?"
Ted and Robin exchanged a look, she broke it first, digging into the pocket of the robe she was still wearing to finally boot up her own cell phone. Finally she shook her head, her voice breaking as she mumbled, "He didn't call me."
"He probably just figured you'd be busy, you're a busy person."
"Marshall...busy or not, of course I...," Robin paused and glanced over at Ted, "Maybe I shouldn't go. I don't think he wants me there."
"Robin, you're being ridiculous just calm down. You're fine."
"Nothing's fine, Ted."
She was right, of course. Nothing was fine. Not a thing. "Marshall, will you just ask him? Just ask him if he's okay with Robin coming."
"Ted...I can't really ask him anything."
"Why, where is he?" Ted clenched his fists on the steering wheel, steeling himself for the worst.
"Well, he's here, but he's in our bedroom and he told us not to follow him."
"Marshall! Shouldn't you be keeping an eye on him?"
"Ted, he needs some time alone. He doesn't want us to watch him fall apart anymore."
"But what if he hurts himself..." Ted's voice came out as barely more than a squeak. Cliché Polaroids of razorblades and spilt pill bottles were already ramming through his brain with the force of a freight train.
"Ted, it's Barney, he'll make it through this somehow."
"But Marshall..." Ted's eyes were filled to the brim with tears and he could hardly see the road in front of him. He probably should have pulled over and gotten his act together, but he couldn't imagine wasting that much time. "He needs her. He needs her so damn much."
Ted could hear Marshall sniffle and he knew that he had peeled the corner off of the lid on the grief that his friend had so carefully sealed away. "I know, Ted!" He shouted, his tone far more harsh than Ted was used to hearing it. "But what do you want me to do!? I can't resurrect her for him, Ted, all I can do is be there for him and right now that means giving him some space."
"Fine," Ted conceded, "But I'm bringing Robin."
"Go ahead. See you soon." Marshall hung up on him before he had the chance to say anything back.
"Ted...I don't know if I should go," Robin finally spoke up again.
"No, you don't know if you want to go. It might be too uncomfortable for you so you want to pretend like not going would be in Barney's best interest."
"Ted!" Robin shouted, sobbing now. "That's not fair! That's not true!"
Ted felt a sting of guilt. Of course it wasn't. He was projecting. He didn't want to go. It was entirely plausible that he never wanted to see Barney again, because he had no idea how to handle this situation. He was the one who had been through a similar trial, the one most equipped to deal with it, but still he was at a lost. Tracy's death was different; Ted kept it together for Penny and Luke and he clung to them in like. They had each other, and so, as bad as it got he knew that it could get better. That his beautiful children needed him now more than ever, so he had a reason to be strong and keep going. But Barney didn't have that reason, he might never have any reason ever again. How was Ted supposed to look him in the eyes knowing that there was no hope for him of things ever getting better? That it would never be okay again? "You're right, I'm sorry," he whispered, accidentally sounding hollow rather than genuine. "If you don't think you should come then that's fine."
Robin wiped at the wet spaces below her eyes and shook her head. "No, you're right," she echoed, "I need to go. I'll never forgive myself if I don't."
"Okay," Ted mumbled back, "Do you mind if I call Penny? I need to tell her and Luke I'm not coming home right now." Robin nodded her head and Ted once more pressed the phone button and called out his voice command.
"Dad?" Penny. It was impossible for him to keep from picturing her getting slammed into by a car and broken into a bloody mass of bone and muscle over and over again. He couldn't imagine the horror. He wanted to vomit just thinking about it.
"Hi, darling." He sounded like he had exhausted his vocal chords and his voice came out scratchy and small.
"Are you ok? Are you still with Aunt Robin?"
"Yeah, she's in the car with me."
"Hi, Penny," Robin whispered, solemn as a stone.
"Aunt Robin!" Penny squealed, gleefully, "How are you?"
Robin glanced at Ted, her mouth hanging half open-half closed. "Penny," he said, taking over to relieve Robin of the burden of answering, "I'm not going to be home for awhile, maybe not all day."
"Oh gosh, dad! Eww. Serious eww. But I guess that means it's going well, huh?"
"No, Penny, that's not...we're going to Marshall and Lily's house."
"Oh, why? Hey! Can Luke and I come? I want to see Aunt Robin and Aunt Lily and Uncle Marshall! And Daisy and Holly! It's been awhile, and plus I'm really not in the mood to work on my chem homework."
"No, Penny, this isn't a casual visit, you know how Aunt Lily called you crying?"
"Oh yeah, right. I forgot all about that."
"Well, something happened..." he paused, wishing that Lily had just broken the news to her when she called. He didn't want to have to do this. He hated the sound of Penny crying more than anything else in the world, it broke his heart anew each and every time he heard it. So he procrastinated. "Is Luke there with you?"
"Umm...no, I think he's in his room."
"Okay, would you go get him, then?"
"Sure..." The line went silent for a moment save for the sound of shuffling clothing, footsteps, knocking, and creaking. "Luke! Dad's on the phone! Here I'll put it on speaker phone...ok, dad, we're both here now."
"Hey, dad," he heard his son saying in the background.
"So what's going on, dad? Why the non-casual visit?" Penny questioned, her voice taking on a more serious note than before.
"Penny, Luke...Ellie was just hit by a car." He ripped off the Band-Aid with the speed and precision of a drunk paratrooper. He mentally winced, wishing he had come up with a more eloquent way to spill the beans. "She died," he quickly added, cringing more as he realized he was making it even worse.
There was that sound; that terrible, gut-wrenching sound of Penny's sobs flooding through the car speakers. "Are you serious?" she whispered in-between sobbing fits.
"Wait, what?" Luke gaped, obviously shocked.
"I know, I know. It's awful, guys. I know," Ted said unable to think of anything more comforting or intelligent to say.
"No!" Penny suddenly shouted, "It's not fair that you get to go see everyone, I want to go see everyone! I need to..."
"Yeah, dad, Penny's right. You can't leave us alone with this," Luke mumbled, awed.
Ted glanced at Robin who merely nodded her head and whispered, "We should swing by and get them." But Ted was sick of his children being in the midst of the heavy cloud of death and grief. They had had more than their fair share of sorrow in their short lives and he didn't want them to have to be exposed to anymore. He should have just pretended that he was staying out late with Robin...that the world was fine and not unraveling at the seams all over again.
But they knew now, reality was already swaddling them and now he had no choice but to give in to their singular request. "Ok, fine. Penny, Luke, Aunt Robin and I are coming to get you, get dressed and ready we'll be there in ten," he fell silent for a moment before remembering to frantically add, "I love you! Love you..."
"Love you too, dad," they both chimed in unison, before breaking the call.
The drive wound up taking fifteen minutes, but at least the kids were dressed, groomed, and waiting on the porch. They were both staring down at their feet but they perked up when they heard his car pull into the driveway. They made haste getting into the car and less than a minute later they were en-route to Marshall and Lily's home again.
"Hi, Aunt Robin," Penny whispered; she was much calmer now than she had been on the phone, but she still sniffled in-between every word. Both Penny and Luke's eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. It had been awhile since he had seen their eyes so puffy. It took him back to the sleepless nights where the three of them had sat in his big bed sipping hot chocolate, snuggling against the blankets, and struggling in vain to keep Tracy alive by swapping quirky stories in her memory.
"Hello, Penny. Hello, Luke," Robin greeted back, a veneer of cheer encircling her words.
"So, dad, where's Uncle Barney?" Luke asked as the car came to a momentary stop in front of a red light.
"He's with Marshall and Lily, that's why we're going there," Ted answered, matter-of-factly.
"Is he...okay?" Penny asked, gazing uneasily at her father through the side-view window.
"I don't know, Pen'." Their tired attempts at conversation died then and there and not another word was spoken until Ted parked the car against the curb of their destination. Robin was the first one to get out of the car and Ted quickly followed after her. Penny and Luke trailed behind them, seemingly anxious and apprehensive now despite how adamant they had been to be allowed to come initially.
Ted was the one to knock on the door, and before his children even had the chance to join him and Robin on the porch it had swung open and he was swept up in Lily's enthusiastic embrace. "Finally," she whispered against the loose fabric of his faded black hoodie. As she released him her gaze moved to Robin and her hug soon followed suit.
"I'm sorry, Lily, I wish I had come sooner." Ted slipped past Lily and Robin and into the living room as he spoke.
"It's not me you need to apologize to, Ted," Lily grumbled, her voice bearing an affectionately familiar notch of judgement.
"I know," he answered, shrugging her obstinacy off as best he could. "Is he still in your room?"
By now Lily had her arms wrapped around Penny and Luke but she nodded her head and glanced over her shoulder at him as she said, "Yeah, he is. He's been in there alone since we got home. I'm really worried about him."
"Should I go...knock on the door or something?"
Lily nodded again, "If he's going to talk to anyone right now it'll be you."
Ted felt a peculiar cocktail of guilt and pride bubble up in the pit of his stomach. On one hand it felt good to know how much he still meant to Barney, but on the other hand it hurt him to know how badly he had screwed up. Barney still seemed to consider him his best friend, but yet Ted hadn't really been there for him at all lately. Ever since he had realized that his old feelings for Robin were coming back with a vengeance he had actually gone out of his way to avoid Barney altogether. It just felt too awkward being around him, knowing that he was one step away from captivating the love of Barney's life, who, despite his best efforts, had slipped out of his grasp only three years after their nuptials.
Ted had a chance to make up for that now, though, and he was prepared to give it his all. Whatever Barney needed he would deliver.
He began his procession up the staircase, but was halted by the sound of Marshall's voice booming below him. He glanced down and Marshall halfheartedly waved at him, he half-heartedly waved back. Ted knew he should probably go down and greet him, but he was afraid that if he did he would lose his resolve, so he just kept on walking.
Soon he found himself standing in front of Marshall and Lily's bedroom, the door looming large before him. He tapped his knuckles roughly against the wood and called out, "Barney, it's me, Ted!" There was no reply for a solid twenty seconds and Ted felt himself begin to perspire. "Barney!?" he tried again.
To his great surprise, and relief, the door finally opened and there he was, Barney. The light in the room was off and the curtains were drawn so it was difficult to distinguish his facial features, but Ted could discern that he had only recently ceased crying from the way his cheeks shone in the low light. He was wearing a suit, Ted could see that much, but he was lacking a tie and his shirt was half unbuttoned. He didn't say anything as he took a few backwards steps and sat down on the bed, staring at Ted expectantly like he was waiting for some grand sermon to spill out of his lips that would suddenly make everything make sense again. Ted regretted having no such speech to offer him.
"Hey," Ted's voice broke on his first word and he knew then and there that he was useless. He couldn't deliver whatever Barney needed, he couldn't even come up with anything remotely comforting to say. He moved deeper into the room, letting the door swing shut behind him, and then he sat down next to Barney, acting as cautious as if he were approaching a wounded wildebeest. "Barney, I...I'm so sorry." God. Could he sound anymore pathetic? I'm sorry? A hell of a lot of good that's going to do.
"Ted, do you remember last year when you went with me to pick out birthday presents forher and I told you that she really wanted a clarinet but I didn't want to get her one because I thought clarinets were loud and obnoxious so I bought her that laptop instead?" Ted nodded his head anxiously, wondering what he was trying to get at. "I should have bought her that damn clarinet, Ted. I'm an idiot."
Ted tilted his head to the side, trying his best to ignore his perplexity. It felt odd to him that Barney would bother telling such an insignificant story at a time like this, but then again he had never understood the inner workings of Barney's brain, and he wondered why he thought that today should be any different. "She liked that laptop, Barney, I know she did."
"Maybe, but not as much as she would have liked the clarinet. I disappointed her but she was too adorable to nag at me about it."
"I really doubt that she was all that upset, Barney..."
"I planned to make it up to her...I umm...I bought a clarinet last Wednesday, a really, really nice one. I wanted to surprise her with it for her birthday this year...," he paused again, and Ted finally risked slinging his arms around his shoulders and pulling his friend closer to him. Barney tensed up for a moment, before he gave in to the show of comfort and let his head drop down onto Ted's shoulder. "I didn't know that she wasn't going to have any more birthdays, Ted. Now I have a clarinet in a box in the back of my closet and she's never going to get to play it. God, Ted, I wanted so badly for her to shatter my eardrums with that stupid, obnoxious instrument."
"She couldn't have had a better father," Ted whispered, certain that he really meant it. Barney had been an incredible dad, he really had. For the last ten years he had focused on nothing but being a good dad, and now here he was, suddenly not a dad at all anymore.
"Oh, really, Ted?" Barney mused, faux amusement in his tone. He laughed humorously as he whispered, "Would the father of the year let his daughter get run over by a fucking car?"
"Barney!" Ted exclaimed, jolted and disoriented by the fact that he would say such an unquestionably terrible thing. "You didn't let her get run over!"
"You weren't there."
"Okay, no. But I'm not an idiot, Barney. You didn't let her get run over! This isn't your fault!"
"I always knew that something like this would happen. Who was I kidding trying to be a dad? I should've just told Jackie to give her up for adoption. She probably would have gotten adopted by a cute married couple in a suburb somewhere who wouldn't stop to watch their ex's news broadcast while she whined at him that she wanted to get home and he ignored her so she started crossing the street by herself but there was a taxi coming and then when he finally stopped watching Robin and turned around it was already too late and it was about to slam into her and she screamed and he watched uselessly from the sidelines as her tiny little body crumpled to the ground..." Barney was out of breath by the time he finished rambling, but somehow he still had enough energy left to cry. And he cried. And cried. And cried. Right there on Ted's shoulder, he came undone.
With that timeline in mind Ted knew that Robin must've been getting home from work to find him waiting for her at her apartment around the same time that Ellie was being admitted into the ER, and that Robin and him were probably crawling into her bed together just as Barney was being delivered the news that his daughter's heart had stopped. Ted felt like a monster; a snake in the grass unworthy of having Barney's tears cascade down onto the sleeve of his shirt. His first thought was that Robin had been right, she definitely shouldn't have come; Barney definitely couldn't be allowed to see her. "Barney, you loved her more than any adoptive parents ever could, this could have happened to anyone."
Barney managed to stop sobbing long enough to scoff at him, "Oh, please. Tell that to James, he's right downstairs. Eli and Sadie are both still alive and old enough to vote. I couldn't even keep Ellie alive long enough for her to hit double digits."
Ted didn't know what to say to that, really he was just improvising, and he was more than a little worried that he was doing a terrible job at it. Barney seemed to be misinterpreting everything he was saying and he feared he was just making things worse. "It's not like you've failed fatherhood or something, Barney. It's just that the world's a shitty place where unexpected, shitty things happen that no one could possibly have ever accounted for."
"Ted, this isn't like Tracy getting cancer, this could have easily been prevented." Ted wasn't surprised that Barney had brought up Tracy, he had been mentally prepping himself for such a comment since he walked into the room. What he was surprised about was that Barney was completely right. Ted had never had to feel at all responsible for Tracy's death. Sure there were off moments here and there where he cursed himself for not seeing the future and dragging her to the hospital back when her tumor was the size of a harmless raisin, but rationally he always knew that there was nothing he could have done. He had been there for her every step of the way, and through it all he could take comfort in that fact. Barney had no such luxury. Getting run over was completely different than getting cancer. Try as Ted might, they both knew, rationally, that had Barney made a different decision, had he not gotten distracted and ignored Ellie, she would still be alive. Of course, to Ted it was clear that this didn't mean that Barney was responsible for her death, but to Barney it did and that was what mattered. "Do you think it was Ellie's fault she got hit?" Ted asked suddenly smashing through the heavy silence that had formed around them.
Barney took his head off of Ted's shoulder and met his gaze with wide-eyed bewilderment. "Wha...? Ted, no, it wasn't her fault, how could you even ask me that?"
Ted smiled weakly at Barney and whispered, "Ellie could still be alive if she had looked before she crossed the street or if she had waited for you, if you want to blame yourself then you're going to have to blame her too."
Barney rolled his eyes at Ted, and solemnly shook his head. "But I'm fifty-four and she's nine." He bowed his head to place his palms over his eyes and sighed, breathing out a tired, "Was. She was nine."
Ted gently placed a hand on his back, watching his shoulders shake up and down as he once again surrendered to his bereavement.
Ted shifted uncomfortably on the bed as his eyes caught sight of the blaring digital clock on the nightstand behind him. It was already half past five. How the hell had that happened? Where did three o'clock go? He wondered what was going on downstairs and if the atmosphere down there was as suffocating as the one upstairs.
Barney soon calmed down again and took to silently studying the carpet, seemingly entranced by it. "Barney, are you hungry?" Ted finally asked, praying that he would say yes so that they could get the hell out of this dark, dreary room with its ugly green carpet and blinding alarm clock.
Barney seemed caught off guard by the sound of his voice, and he glanced over his shoulder with an expression of genuine surprise on his face as though he had forgotten that Ted had been sitting there right next to him for over two hours. Or maybe he was just perplexed by the alien concept of hunger. "Oh...," he mumbled, "No. I think I'd probably puke if I tried to eat, to be honest," he paused before begrudgingly tacking on, "But you go ahead."
Ted wasn't really very hungry, either, but he wanted to check on Penny and Luke so he nodded his head and rose to his feet. "Come on, Barney," he prompted, "They're all here for you."
"I don't like pity."
"No one does."
Their eyes met and Ted knew that Barney recognized that he understood him perfectly. Ted had gotten more than his fair share of pity when he lost Tracy, and he knew just how uncomfortable and humiliating well-meaning gestures and soft spoken words could be. Even Barney had treated him with a frustrating amount of tenderness back then. He knew well how difficult it would be for Barney to climb down those stairs and be met with a dozen pairs of sympathetic eyes, but he also knew that it was something that he had to do. Pity was unavoidable, people would be handling him with kid-gloves for months, maybe years to come, so he might as well start getting used to it now.
"Come on," Ted beckoned once more, and this time Barney complied. Ted took care to shut the door behind them, having seen enough of Marshall and Lily's bedroom for a lifetime.
As they made their way through the hallway past all the carefully framed and hanged Eriksen family photos, Ted abruptly remembered that Robin was downstairs and that he had sworn to himself that he would not under any circumstances expose Barney to her. "Oh crap," he silently mouthed as he watched Barney step down on the top step of the staircase. "Wait!" he shouted, vocalizing his distress.
Barney spun around to face him, obviously caught off guard. "What?"
"I um...I need to..." His brain was a frozen block of ice. He couldn't think of a single excuse to bypass Barney and run down the stairs ahead of him. They were all screwed. "I need to get something from my car but I don't want you to have to go down there by yourself so why don't I just go get that thing and then I'll come back up and we can walk back down together? Ok? Ok, great."
"Ted, what?"
Ted slipped past Barney on the staircase and put his hand up to stop Barney from walking any farther. "Just wait for me, Barney, ok, please. Trust me that I have a good reason for this, alright?"
Barney shrugged his shoulders and set his hand down on the railing. "What do I care?" he mused, gesturing for Ted to go on ahead. He smiled at him, nodded his head, and dashed down the staircase.
"Ted, hey, what was that about?" Marshall asked, meeting him at the bottom, obviously having been eavesdropping on his conversation at the top.
"Where's Robin?" Ted whispered.
Marshall pointed behind him, back towards the living room. "She's in there talking to James."
Ted wordlessly drifted towards the living room, clamming up once he caught sight of Robin. She and James were sitting next to each other on one of the plush blue couches decorating the room, their heads bent together and their lips moving as they engaged in an extraordinarily quiet chit-chat. Ted watched them for a brief moment before making his way over to them and saying, "Hey, Robin, can I talk to you outside for a second?"
Robin looked caught off guard but she smiled at him and nodded her head, standing up and walking out the front door before he even had a chance to get there himself. He met her on the porch and the door slammed shut behind them, giving them the privacy that he had intended for them to have during this conversation. "Robin, I don't know how to say this, but you really can't be here right now," he stated bluntly.
"Hold on, what? Why?" She was already noticeably ticked, and Ted bristled at the way her eyes seemed to bore through his skull.
"I don't think that it's really my place to tell you, Robin."
"Tell me."
Ted really didn't think that it was his place, not at all. He didn't want to recount the events leading up to Ellie's death and he didn't want to allude to the fact that Barney obviously still had feelings for Robin after all of these years just like he did. "Robin, please. Just trust me, it would be for the best." Ted wished that she would be as easy as Barney, wished she would shrug and say, "What do I care?", but she didn't.
"No, Ted, just tell me. This isn't fair, I want to see him!" she shouted, clenching her fists as her eyes began to tear up again.
"I know, Robin, but he can't see you right now, it wouldn't be good for him."
"Why? Spit it out!"
"He told me that he was watching your broadcast on one of the screens in the city when umm...you know, when Ellie was hit. She wanted to go home but he got caught up in watching you and so she went on alone and...got hit by a taxi."
"Oh," she whispered, her tears beginning to roll. "Oh, well, then that's it, huh?"
"That's what?"
"He hates me."
"Hold on, what story did you just listen to?"
"Forever, always, I'm just going to remind him of what happened. I wanted to be there for him but now I'm nothing but a guilt trip from him, right?"
"It won't be that way forever, Robin, just give him today."
"Did he tell you that he didn't want to see me?" she questioned, her voice higher pitched than usual, warped by a tune of desperation.
"No, but Robin..."
"Then how do you know!? Maybe you're wrong, maybe he was just watching my broadcast because it was an interesting one last night; the Pope, he, um..." she paused, shaking her head and pinching the bridge of her nose as she mumbled, "God, Barney doesn't care about the Pope at all, does he?"
"I'm going to have to go with a no. The most religious thing he's ever done is pee on a church."
"So, what, should I just...call an Uber or something?"
"I think so."
"Ted, I know that I'm being a selfish bitch here, but I can't just go home! How am I supposed to sit alone at my apartment knowing that everyone is here with him except for me!?" She glanced anxiously towards the front door before meeting Ted's gaze again. "I have to see him, Ted. Even if he doesn't want to see me, I can't leave without seeing him.
Ted bit his bottom lip and shrugged his shoulders, sighing. "I guess I can't stop you, but if he's upset don't say I didn't warn you!"
"I won't!" she called, already halfway through the doorway.
Ted followed her and had scaled the stairs ten seconds later. Barney was sitting on the top step, his head on his hands and his elbows on his knees, like a bored kid waiting for his parents to pick him up from soccer practice.
"Geez, Ted, did you forget that you left me waiting up here?"
"Of course not. I'm proud of you for waiting so patiently." Ted extended his hand out to Barney and he took it so Ted helped him to his feet and once again began their short journey to the first level of the house.
"Yeah, well I hope that you were able to get that "thing" from your "car"," Barney mumbled, doing quotation marks with his fingers to punctuate his speech.
Ted opened his mouth to reply, but quickly snapped it closed as his eyes took in the scene before him. Barney was frozen at the bottom of the staircase with Robin standing right in front of him. "Hi, Barney," she whispered, wrapping her arms tightly around his waist and resting her head against his chest.
"Robin," he whispered back, bringing his arms up to return the hug. "It's really good to see you." He glanced at Ted from over his shoulder mid-embrace and asked, "Is this what you were getting from your car?" Ted opened his mouth to say no but Barney cut him off as he turned his attention back to Robin and said, "This is awesome, I can't believe you're here." He sounded like he meant it, and Ted couldn't have been more surprised. He wondered how he had managed to be so far off the money.
"What? Of course I'm here, Barney," Robin said, so casual that Ted could almost forget he had tried to talk her into not being here mere seconds earlier. He felt a sharp prick of guilt pierce his soul again, and as Robin whispered, "I wish you had called me," and Barney mumbled back, "Oh, believe me, I wanted to," he wondered once more if his actions had really had Barney's best interests in mind. Maybe Robin wasn't the selfish one here. He once again, felt awful. He was an awful friend, and awful person too, maybe. Just awful.
Things grew awkward once the pair stepped away from each other. Robin was studying him with deep, pity-filled eyes and Barney was squirming uncomfortably under their scrutiny. Ted left them standing there, figuring that Barney would be fine under Robin's charge for a while. He strolled into the kitchen thinking that he would likely find his children in there; he was right.
Lily was bent over the oven inspecting some sort of quiche cooking within and Marshall was standing next to her, a bag of chips in his hands. Penny, Luke, Daisy, and Holly were all sitting on the counter together, their legs swinging over the side.
Penny smiled when she spotted her father and jumped off the counter to greet him. She started interrogating right of the bat, "How'd it go?" she questioned.
"Good. I think," Ted shrugged and gestured behind him, "I don't know, he's talking to Robin in the hallway right now, so I guess that's good."
Lily, now distracted from her quiche, spun around with wide-eyes and clapped her hands in front of her. "That's great, Ted! You got him to leave our bedroom! Now maybe we can even talking him into eating dinner with us."
"Nah, I don't think so, he said he'd vomit if he ate anything right now. I can't blame him."
Lily seemed upset for a brief moment, but she quickly shook off her disappoint and her smokescreen smile reappeared. "Me neither," she whispered, turning back towards the oven as her façade began to crack once more.
The kitchen door swung open and James strolled in with Robin and Barney trailing behind him, walking so closely that their shoulders chafed with every step. Ted cursed his instinctual jealousy, frantically trying to remind himself that now was definitely not the time for such pettiness.
The room was absurdly quiet for a cramp kitchen packed with nine people. Marshall, Lily, and the children were all staring at Barney with the concern-filled eyes he had confessed to hating. Finally, Lily shouted, "I baked a spinach quiche!" obviously desperate to sidestep the elephant in the room.
"Ooh, nice, it's been too long since I've eaten your cooking, Lily," Robin politely remarked whilst trying to reward Lily for her valiant attempt at small-talk.
"It smells wonderful," James added, nodding and smiling.
Ted wrinkled his nose, very nearly creeped out by the scene playing out in front of him. Sure, they were doing what they thought best, but carrying on like this wouldn't end well for anyone, least of all Barney. They couldn't ignore the bleakness of their gathering, it was ridiculous and discourteous to even attempt to. Ted wanted to put a stop to it, to come to Barney's rescue and get everyone to remove their kid-gloves at once, but when he opened his mouth to do so he just wound up asking, "So, how much longer until we can dig into it?"
"I think it's probably ready now," Lily answered, as she donned oven mitts and peeked inside. "The table's set if you want to move into the dining room."
So they did.
They all arranged themselves around the Erikson's long polished wooden table like it was a regular holiday gathering or birthday party. Ted wound up sitting in-between his son and daughter. Barney was directly across the table from him, in-between Marshall and Robin. Ted could tell from the repetitive scratching of his thumb nail across the edge of the table that Barney was just going with the flow. He hadn't suddenly worked up an appetite, the thought of food no doubt still made him nauseous, but he had gotten himself trapped and now he had no way to get out of eating dinner with the eight of them. Ted, who wanted to redeem himself for his failure to take action back in the kitchen, decided that he was going to give him an out. He stood up, the sound of his chair scraping against the floorboards drawing attention to his crusade, and announced, "No offense, Marshall, but it's really hot in here. Stop skimping with the air conditioning, it's almost summer. I'm going to go outside and cool off for a second."
Luckily, Barney took the cue. And stood up as well. "Yeah, um...I'm going to go with Ted," he mumbled, hurrying out of the room before Ted even had a chance to take a step towards the door. Lily was still in the kitchen, halfway between slicing a carrot and tossing a salad. She turned around to face Ted as he walked into the room. "He ran away," she mused, grinning ever-so-slightly.
"He was overwhelmed," Ted quickly explained, trying his best to smile back.
Lily nodded. "Oh, I know. I think we all are, to some extent."
"Yeah, you're right."
Ted was about to escape out the door, but as he pushed it open Lily called after him. "Wait, Ted..."
"Yeah, Lil'?"
"You know how I have a reputation as the wise, motherly one in the group?"
He nodded his head, because, well, she wasn't wrong. Everyone had gone to Lily for advice at one time or another. She might not be able to keep a secret, but she was a better listener than the rest of them put together. "I don't think I deserve that reputation. I'm so bad at this, Ted! It hurts so bad to see him like this and I have no idea how to help him..."
Ted smiled at her and whispered, "I think we all feel that way, to some extent."
"But you seem to know what he needs, Ted," she argued. Ted almost laughed, she couldn't know just how wrong she was.
"Lily, please, this isn't a competition, and if it was you'd already have the trophy. You were with him at the hospital all night, I can't even imagine how difficult that must've been, or how much he must appreciate it. Hell, Lily, you've been a better friend to him than I have for a pretty long time now."
She looked taken aback by his words, and rightfully so, even he was caught off guard by how passionate his outburst had been. "Ted, that's not true. You're the one he wanted to see most today, you're obviously still a better friend to him than anyone; he adores you."
"And yet it took me over twelve hours to come through for him," he paused, his eyes swiveling down to stare at the tile floor as he whispered, "When I got in that stupid little cab accident in 07' he got hit by a freaking bus running to see me! But when his daughter gets hit by a cab I casually swing by the next day once I'm done banging his ex-wife?" He whispered the last few words, ashamed. He was terrified of meeting Lily's eyes. He shouldn't have told her, but he knew, unspoken as it was, that Lily was privy to what he and Robin had been doing, and he had felt the need to give her his confessional. He thought it would make him feel better, sluff the guilt off his chest; he was wrong. All he had done was embarrassed himself and called attention to the full weight of his wrongdoings.
He still hadn't glanced up once when he felt Lily's small, thin arms snake around his waist. "Oh, Ted. You deserve to be happy. If Robin makes you happy, then you have nothing to feel guilty about. And if you had known right away what happened last night you would have ran to Barney's side too, I know you would have."
Lily really was the wise, motherly one. It was incredible how she always, without fail, knew just what to say. She was right. It was a comforting thought for Ted to know that she was right and that he would have driven to the hospital ASAP had he known. He wanted to be a good friend, and that had to count for something, right?
He let her hold him in her arms until his breathing slowed and his heart-rate fell steady. Finally he slid out of her embrace and whispered, "I need to go check on him. And you, you need to go dish out that quiche."
"Do you want a plate, Ted?"
He smiled at her and shook his head. "I'm with Barney on the whole feeling kinda nauseous thing. And I really don't want to make myself throw up, I'm vomit free since 23'."
Lily rolled her eyes at him, "Not as impressive as 93', Ted."
"Hey, one day it will be, Lily. I just need to keep it up."
"Okay, good luck. I'll be rooting for you," she mumbled as she returned to her salad tossing, carrot cutting duties.
Ted smiled at her back before he spun around and made his way into the living room and out the front door. Barney was standing on the porch, his arms resting on the banister as he stared out into the quiet, evening street. He quickly glanced at Ted when he joined him and then turned his attention back to the road. "Thanks for calling Robin, Ted," he remarked without so much as looking in his direction.
Ted felt another small dose of shame course through his veins at the fact that Barney assumed that he had called Robin, and didn't have the slightest clue that they had been together at the time. He wondered how Barney would be treating him if he knew the truth. "No, problem, buddy," Ted replied, fighting to keep his voice from wavering nervously. "I'm just relieved that you're glad to see her, I wasn't sure if you would be."
Barney didn't respond to him and they were swiftly enveloped in the cadence of crickets and the tucked-in quiet of a lazy suburban neighborhood. The laughter of children drifted in from somewhere out of sight. Ted found it to be rather morose and wrong somehow. It didn't seem right that children were playing and the sun was shining. Suddenly he missed being holed up in that dark, depressing bedroom.
"I'm always glad to see her," Barney finally whispered, startling Ted who had long forgotten the conversation they had abandoned nearly five minutes before. Ted didn't know what to say to that, he assumed that anything he said would be wrong. So, he resolved to say nothing, to let Barney's words blow away into the warm breeze like the eerie laughter of children. Barney didn't seem to care that he had been ignored, he simply continued to stare out into the street, falling back into comfortable silence.
They stood outside together so long that the children ceased playing and the sun began to retire. It was still nice out, but the air had developed a slight chill that caused Barney to shiver ever-so-slightly and rub his hands up and down against the thin sleeves of his button up shirt. Ted stripped himself of his hoodie without even stopping to consider what he was doing. He awkwardly thrust the hoodie at Barney, who shot him a confused glance that quickly gave way to a grateful nod of his head. Ted was now cold himself, but that was fine, because he'd much rather be chilly and uncomfortable than watch Barney shiver. The front door opened up behind them and light flooded the porch.
"Barney, you've been out here for a century!" James shouted walking out and letting the door hang open behind him.
"What time is it?" Ted asked, eyeing Barney with a sense of discontent as his friend hadn't even bothered to turn and face his older brother.
"Almost eight," James answered, walking closer until he was standing directly behind Barney.
"Wow!" Ted exclaimed in amazement. Time just kept slipping past him. He hadn't a clue where it had gone. "I can't believe we've been out here that long."
"Yeah, and it's getting pretty damn cold too, Ted, you look like you're freezing."
Ted looked at James and shook his head, feeling slightly ticked. He didn't want Barney to try to give him his jacket back. He needn't worry, though, Barney was still seemingly completely out of it. Ted began to worry that he was getting worse rather than better. As long as he had known Barney, he had never known him to be this quiet. Barney was never quiet. He hadn't thought Barney could even do quiet.
James had picked up on Barney's increasingly odd behavior, as well, and he rested his hand on his shoulder as he tried to pull him back into reality. "Barney..."
Barney finally glanced over his shoulder at him. "Are you leaving?" he whispered.
To Ted's surprise, he nodded his head. "Yeah, unfortunately, I am. I need to get back to Tom and Sadie."
Barney absentmindedly nodded his head "Ok, James. Thanks for coming." His words lacked any and all emotion, and from the way James visibly winced it was beyond apparent that his brother's callousness stung. Ted was fairly certain that Barney's disinterest was nothing personal, but James seemed to have taken it as such.
"Yeah," he mumbled, "It's been good seeing you, bro, I love you." James smiled at his younger brother and pulled him into a tight, determined embrace.
Barney hugged him back and whispered a soft, "Love you too, bro," that seemed to set James' mind at ease.
James slipped off the porch and away into the night, leaving Barney and Ted alone once again with the front door now wide open behind them. Ted guessed that someone else would come out to retrieve them soon and his prediction was verified once Luke stepped out onto the porch with them. Ted was relieved to see him, for some reason he had been expecting Robin to make an unwanted appearance. "Dad," Luke started, his eyes nervously shifting back and forth between his father and his grieving "uncle".
"Yeah, son?" Ted asked trying his best to convey comfort with his tone of voice.
"Aunt Lily said that we can stay here for the night if we want..."
"Do you want?"
Luke shrugged his shoulders and irresolutely mumbled, "I don't care."
Ted's eyes met Barney's and he hesitantly asked, "Are you staying here?"
Barney shrugged his shoulders, perfectly mirroring Luke's gesture, before whispering, "To be honest I want to go home." There was something much deeper in his confession, something that caused the blood within Ted's veins to run cold. Ted knew immediately that this was one request of Barney's that he certainly could not cater to. He hadn't a clue what Barney would do if he were left alone right now, and he really didn't want to find out.
"Barney...How bout' I drive you to our house and you can stay with me for a while?"
Barney shook his head, his eyes hard as he spat out, "Ted. It's so not your choice."
"It wouldn't be healthy for you to go home, Barney. Don't force yourself to undergo that kind of stress."
"Ted, I like my apartment, okay?" Barney sardonically fumed, his tone growing harsher with each word.
"Then, I'll stay with you," Ted offered, his words spilling out so quickly he didn't have time to filter them or consider the repercussions they could bear.
Barney's eyes softened and he wordlessly stared at his best friend for a few transient seconds. "You're a good friend, Ted."
"So are you, Barney. I love you. Let me help you, or at least...let me try." Ted's cheeks were moist by the time his mouth shut. It wasn't difficult to say those three words to Barney. They had been through more than enough together. In that moment he wasn't even quite sure that those three words could properly convey just what he felt for the grief-stricken man standing before him. Once Ted had wiped his tears enough for his vision to clear up a bit, he realized that Barney, too, had been brought to tears again. Even Luke was a smidge misty-eyed and red-nosed.
"Okay," Barney finally droned, "Help me."
Ted was worried that his heartstrings had audibly snapped. He couldn't decide whether he hated seeing Barney so vulnerable or if he found it to be marginally comforting. Perhaps it was an uneven cocktail of both. He was glad that Barney was at last conceding to his care, but he also wished that he didn't have to. It also occurred to him that he now had a lot riding on him. He would keep his word, he would try to help Barney, but really that was all he could do, and he was more than concerned that it wouldn't be enough. Despite this, however, he simply stated, "I will," conveying far more confidence than he felt, as he decisively pulled Barney into his arms.
Such a long chapter. I wanted to divide it into a few different chapters to make it easier to read, but I wrote it as one and I think that's the way it needed to be. I actually wrote all the chapters to be 10,000 words long like this one, but I think I am going to divide most of them up. Anywho, a few random notes, Jackie is the name I gave #31, that was probably confusing, but I couldn't think of a way to naturally slip that explanation in, so here you go. Also, I know they're supposed to have holographic phones by now, but I can't be bothered to add that in to this fic, so meh.
This project has taken me a really long time and is more than double the word count of anything else I've written, so, from the bottom of my heart thank you to anyone who read this first chapter, and an even bigger thank you to anyone who plans to keep reading. Please leave a review or give it a follow, as that would make me extremely happy.