The Legend of Zelda The New Hero of Time Episode umm, 8, yeah that's it… 8… And there's nothing mysterious about that… Nothing at all! DON'T TURN AROUND!!! Okay, now slowly turn your head to the left and don't make any sudden moves… There's a monster behind you and he'll kill you if you stop reading this, the only way to survive is to read this entire story without scrolling all the way down to see how to best this beast at the end of the story. Nah, I'm just kidding, there's no monster behind you… But still read the story anyway please? Thanks!
Last time on The Legend of Zelda The New Hero of Time, oh, right, nothing happened last time, we just talked randomly about nothing for the whole thing…
Navi: Fantastic writing by the way…
Thank you, Navi, keep it up and yer gonna be fat in the next story…
Navi: Okay, I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Tucker: Ha-Ha! You're gonna be fat!
Navi: Wait, how are you talking here and narrating at the same time?
Tucker: I'm just that good…
Navi: Ugh… Can we start the story now?
Tucker: WHY THE HELL NOT?!?!?!?!
Theme song powers ACTIVATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"It's the new adventures of Zelda here,
And we are here to spread some cheer!
Just come with us, we'll have a ball.
Come see yer friends, let's meet 'em all!
There's the Tman, Navi, Ivana too,
That crazy asshole, Zant…
Ganondorf, Deku Tree, and all the rest
The New adventures of Zeldaaaaaaaaaa….
Yeah…"
What do you people want from me? Who am I Stevie Wonder? Write yer own damn songs!
Anyway, we rejoin Tucker, Navi and Ivana walking around aimlessly through the lost woods. Tucker had recharged his weapons and somehow reacquired all of them that he had used throughout this story so far. Freakin' plot devices!
Tucker: The narrator seems really off today, don't you think?
Navi: But aren't you the narrator?
Tucker: I want waffles! Lots of waffles with many syrups!
Ivana: Me too!
Navi: You just had to find someone who's exactly like you didn't you?
Tucker: Funny how that works isn't it?
Ivana: Yeah, what else could move this plot along?
Navi: I'm afraid to even ask…
Tucker: So, let's see, what else do I need to do?
Ivana: (clears throat)
Tucker: Not, "who" Ivana, what do I need to do, it feels like I've forgotten something…
Navi: Hmm, maybe it was… THE THIRD FREAKIN' SPIRITUAL STONE?!?!?!?!
Tucker: No, that's not it…
Ivana: Did you remember to tie your shoe after we left Zora's Domain?
Tucker: OF COURSE! How could I forget? My shoe is untied; will you look at me, walkin' through the woods with an untied shoe, I must look like I escaped from the loony bin…
Navi: The what?
Tucker: How many times have you questioned my like this and ended up pleased that you asked?
Navi: Good point, I don't really care anyway…
Ivana: Cool, so, where are we going?
Tucker: Well, if I remember correctly, the sacred meadow is back here a ways, if we can find it, I can clear out the forest temple before it becomes clogged with monsters.
Ivana: You're so smart!
Tucker: Thank you baby! Your praise makes it all worthwhile.
Navi: Oh get a room…
Tucker / Ivana: Okay!
Navi: Me and my big mouth…
Twenty minutes later…
Tucker: Okay, I completely forgot why we were here, but I don't care anymore…
Ivana: Me either!
Navi: You were gonna clear out the forest temple!
Tucker: Screw 'em… I want to go get some funnel cake!
Navi: For the hundredth time, WE DON'T HAVE THOSE!!!!!
Tucker: Damnit…
Ivana: If yer upset, we could go kill the bad stuff in the temple…
Tucker: Hmmm… You make a persuasive argument sugartits, LET'S DO IT!
Navi: I already suggested that!
Tucker: Well, you're not hot enough!
Navi: Damnit…
So, Tucker walked to the sacred meadow with Ivana and Navi in tow. As they arrived at the gate, Tucker stopped when he noticed that instead of a small metal fence blocking the opening and two wolfos guarding the door, there was instead a thirty-foot tall dark stone gate with a scary-looking spiked rusty steel door with two iron knuckles standing guard in front of the door. As Tucker picked up his jaw off the ground, Ivana and Navi cowered behind him as the Iron Knuckles awakened and moved in on Tucker. Tucker pulled out his firestorm cannon and prepared to defend Ivana and Navi as the Iron Knuckles moved in. Just as they reached him, the iron Knuckles stopped and the nearest one stuck his axe in the ground and looked at Tucker.
Iron Knuckle: Hello there, welcome to the sacred forest meadow, how many for your table tonight?
Tucker: Excuse me?
Iron Knuckle: How many will be in your dining party tonight?
Tucker: This is a restaurant?
Iron Knuckle: Yes, of course it is, what did you think it was, a dungeon?
Tucker: Umm, no, of course not! HAHAHA!!!
Iron Knuckle: HoHoHo… So, table for three?
Tucker: Sure, why the hell not? You girls up for some good food before we continue our adventure?
Ivana: YEAH!
Navi: All right…
Tucker: Table for three my good knuckle…
Iron Knuckle: Right this way sir…
The Iron Knuckle picked up its axe and tapped the door with the tip of the spear end. The door opened slowly and a moblin wearing a bow tie and a towel over its arm walked out and escorted Tucker, Ivana and Navi to a table. Tucker and Ivana sat down and Navi landed on Tucker's shoulder as another moblin walked over to take their order. After they ordered, the moblin bowed and left.
Tucker: Wow, I never knew this place was here… This must mean that not all changes are bad…
Ivana: Damn straight!
Tucker: Hell, I knew that as soon as I saw you, Ivana…
Ivana: Aww, yer sweet…
Navi: Jeez, I'd say get a room but I've seen what you do in that situation.
Tucker: Yeah, I guess I'm just old fashioned…
Ivana: So, I've heard you say over and over how this is all like a game, could you explain, sweetie?
Tucker: Sure, baby, pull up yer chair and get comfy… I'm from another dimension, where I live in Missouri. Due to an unforeseen pop spilling incident, I ended up here, practically in the lap of my floating friend here.
Navi: Ha… Ha…
Ivana: Cool, continue…
Tucker: Word, I was brought to the foot of the Great Deku Tree, and-
Hey reader, it's me, TheBigT2000, I'm about to basically re-explain the entire series so far, so I'm gonna skip to the next part of the story…
Tucker: -and then you and me had some more of that sex type thing, and we ended up here.
Ivana: That… was… amazing… SERIOUSLY! You've done so much since before I met you!
Navi: It's all been luck-
Tucker: FOOD'S HERE! YAYZ!
Ivana: YUMMY!
Navi: I'm surrounded by idiots…
Tucker and Ivana enjoyed their meals while Navi just sat there and stole food off of Tucker's plate since he wasn't paying attention to her. After the meal, a moblin brought by the check and Tucker dropped some ruppies (however the flippin' monkey foot you spell it) on the table and he and Ivana walked over to where the temple was. As they reached the threshold of the temple, Tucker looked around, then turned to Ivana with a devilish look on his face.
Ivana: Mmm, what's on yer mind?
Tucker: Well, there's no one around here, we're alone, we could get away with a bunch of dirty stuff…
Ivana: Funny, I was just thinking that myself…
Navi: I'm just gonna off to the side here… Freakin' perverts…
Navi flew off to the dining room again and she landed on an empty table and sat down by the candle. She looked around at all the couples and couldn't help but feel depressed. (Of course, most of the couples were moblins, so she didn't feel that depressed.) Navi sighed and she lied back and looked up at the night sky and all the stars that were visible on the cloud-less night.
Navi: Why does everyone find love but me?
Voice: Maybe you weren't looking in the right places…
Navi: What? Who's eavesdropping?
Voice: Does it count as eavesdropping if you're talking to yourself?
Navi: Ah- Well, I don't know…
Navi got up and turned around, she looked around and noticed another fairy floating above her. She flew up to get a better look, and noticed that the other fairy was a slightly buff male fairy with a glowing red aura.
Navi: HELLO NURSE!!!!!
Fairy: Huh?
Navi: Oh, sorry, yer just really, uh, well…
Fairy: Attractive?
Navi: HeeHeeHee… Well, yeah…
Fairy: Thank you…
Navi: I'm Navi, who are you?
Fairy: My name is Azreal, wonderful to meet you, lady Navi.
Navi: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Azreal: What is funny?
Navi: Nothin' Azreal, you're just, um, well…
Azreal: What?
Navi: PERFECT!!!!!!
Navi jumped on Azreal and started hugging him. Azreal pulled Navi off of him and let her fly next to him.
Azreal: I've heard tell you're traveling with the hero of time, is that right?
Navi: Who, Tucker? Who gives a crap about him? Let's talk about us….
Azreal: What us?
Navi: Well… I was thinking, well, if you don't have anything better to do, you and I could, well…
Azreal: Travel together?
Navi: Yeah… Stupid idea, I'm sorry…
Azreal: Not at all, I think it's a great idea…
Navi: REALLY?!?!?!?!?!
Azreal: Sure, I'd also like to meet, this, Tucker fellow, if he hangs out with you, he must be slightly intelligent…
Navi: Slightly is too polite a word really…
Azreal: What do you mean?
Navi: Well, he's kind of an idiot…
Azreal: Well, that's fine, if you don't think I should meet him, let's just go find him so I can tell him that I'll be coming along with you…
Navi: Okay, that sounds like a plan!
Azreal: Lead on, Navi…
Navi led Azreal to the clearing where Tucker and Ivana were sleeping on the grass outside the forest temple.
Azreal: What are they doing back here? No one comes back here…
Navi: Well, these pervs were just finishing a little, uh… Perverse activity…
Azreal: That's horrid behavior, sex outdoors, what animals!
Navi: You are amazing…
Azreal: Yes, thank you… TUCKER!!!
Tucker woke up and turned over, seeing Azreal and Navi flying together…
Tucker: Either I'm high or there's two of you…
Navi: Quiet you, this is Azreal, and he's gonna be traveling with us until yer done with the adventure…
Tucker: Fascinating, can I go back to sleep now?
Azreal: As you wish, hero of time…
Tucker: Uh, huh… Well, if you could go away, that would just be pleasing as a tub of happy pies. Your lights are keeping me awake, and if you wake up Ivana, I'll ring yer little necks…
Azreal: Very well, let us away my dear…
Navi: HAHAHA… Okay…(Drools)
As Azreal and Navi flew off Tucker lied back down and Ivana looked up and turned to see Azreal fly off. Ivana poked Tucker's back and he looked up at her.
Tucker: What's up? Did I wake you up?
Ivana: Who's that red fairy?
Tucker: Some weirdo Navi's crushing on, why?
Ivana: I can't shake the feeling that I've seen him before…
Tucker: Really? Where at?
Ivana: I saw him fly out of the waterfall a few hours before you showed up there…
Tucker: Really? Was he alone, or did he come with someone?
Ivana: I didn't really see, I was asleep just inside the waterfall.
Tucker: Hmm, well, I'm sure it was nothing; let's get some sleep…
Ivana: Mmm, okay, night sweetie…
Tucker: Night baby…
Tucker kissed Ivana on the forehead as she moved in close to him and they both went to sleep.
Who is this mysterious fairy named Azreal? How does Ivana know him? Why did it take so long to type this? All will be explained, in the following episodes of: The Legend of Zelda – The New Hero of Time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
The End… Until next time!