**NOTE: This isn't a normal Evangelion fic, not in my eyes, anyway. (Then again,
a man once said, "What is here is simply in the eyes of the beholder"). If you
don't agree with the story line, you don't agree with the pairings, you don't
agree with how I've altered things, and you just all around don't enjoy agreeing
with anyone, then I suggest you go away and do something, um, unagreeable, people
do. In other words, if you don't like Shinji being paired with Rei, you don't
like a bit of yuri, and you don't like a bit of yaoi (I have nothing against it,
personally. It's mild. Not graphic... in this story, anyway), then you shouldn
't be here. END NOTE**
**STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I don't own Evangelion. You don't own Evangelion, either.
Gainax owns Evangelion. And you are not Gainax, or working for them. If you where,
you would have better things to do... so don't bother trying to sue me. You have
no lawyer anyway :p END DISCLAIMER**
---
Do you ever wonder?
Prologue
---
~How can someone understand me? ~ I thought bitterly as I stared at the ceiling
above my head, which had been so faithful to me through all my current escapades
and had listened to all my problems I had never felt able to share with anyone
else. Though it never did talk back, I still felt that in some way it comforted me.
Someone once told me... someone I don't remember well... that no one should
wallow in self-pity. If it's self-pity, then it means its too big of a problem to
share with other people... and if that's so, then those people have other problems
too. So don't go around expecting people to listen to your problems.
They had said it was inconsiderate.
So I never did.
~How can someone possibly even being to understand me... the way he can. ~ My life had
been pretty traumatic, though I guess others before me had it worse. I was not forced
to live through the horrible experience of the second impact... and even if I had, I
never would have remembered it. I would have been too young. Like Misato for example,
the way Ritsuko had said she acted after the incident in Antarctica. Compared to what
she had gone through, I probably had no idea what the word traumatic meant yet.
Yet.
There was my key word in everything that happened. A few years ago, nothing that happens
today on a daily basis in my life would have seemed logically possible to me. A few
years ago, if someone told me you could put a soul into a doll and name it Rei, that
it would converse with your father and make him seem to think she was your mother, I
probably would have looked at them strangely and walked away. If someone told me that
today, I probably would shrug and go "You know Ayanami?" Nowadays if testing an experiment
(which I also would have said was insane) involved someone going "Well, it hasn't happened
yet." Any given one of us would answer "Yet."
Anything seemed possible.
*Everything* seemed possible.
~ I thought no one was supposed to understand me. ~
The fact that no one should be able to understand anyone else fully, stuck with me
throughout the earlier part of my life. Up until I met Kaoru. That was when I discovered
that the only thing I thought impossible was in fact, possible. The only little thing
I had used to cap my boundaries and say the human mind could never go that far had
been broken. My view of life that kept me alive and kept me from spilling out to someone
else was shattered.
~ How am I supposed to live this way? ~
What when wrong and what caused me to explode the way I did at her... at any of them...
I will never know. Whatever caused me to make the decisions I made the way I made them...
those decisions where so horrible, that I am not sure I want to know what forced me
to make them. All I know, and all I ever will know, is that the person who made those
decisions was not the Shinji Ikari I am and is not the Shinji Ikari I ever thought I would
end up being.
~ Sometimes I just wish I had never met him. ~
a man once said, "What is here is simply in the eyes of the beholder"). If you
don't agree with the story line, you don't agree with the pairings, you don't
agree with how I've altered things, and you just all around don't enjoy agreeing
with anyone, then I suggest you go away and do something, um, unagreeable, people
do. In other words, if you don't like Shinji being paired with Rei, you don't
like a bit of yuri, and you don't like a bit of yaoi (I have nothing against it,
personally. It's mild. Not graphic... in this story, anyway), then you shouldn
't be here. END NOTE**
**STANDARD DISCLAIMER: I don't own Evangelion. You don't own Evangelion, either.
Gainax owns Evangelion. And you are not Gainax, or working for them. If you where,
you would have better things to do... so don't bother trying to sue me. You have
no lawyer anyway :p END DISCLAIMER**
---
Do you ever wonder?
Prologue
---
~How can someone understand me? ~ I thought bitterly as I stared at the ceiling
above my head, which had been so faithful to me through all my current escapades
and had listened to all my problems I had never felt able to share with anyone
else. Though it never did talk back, I still felt that in some way it comforted me.
Someone once told me... someone I don't remember well... that no one should
wallow in self-pity. If it's self-pity, then it means its too big of a problem to
share with other people... and if that's so, then those people have other problems
too. So don't go around expecting people to listen to your problems.
They had said it was inconsiderate.
So I never did.
~How can someone possibly even being to understand me... the way he can. ~ My life had
been pretty traumatic, though I guess others before me had it worse. I was not forced
to live through the horrible experience of the second impact... and even if I had, I
never would have remembered it. I would have been too young. Like Misato for example,
the way Ritsuko had said she acted after the incident in Antarctica. Compared to what
she had gone through, I probably had no idea what the word traumatic meant yet.
Yet.
There was my key word in everything that happened. A few years ago, nothing that happens
today on a daily basis in my life would have seemed logically possible to me. A few
years ago, if someone told me you could put a soul into a doll and name it Rei, that
it would converse with your father and make him seem to think she was your mother, I
probably would have looked at them strangely and walked away. If someone told me that
today, I probably would shrug and go "You know Ayanami?" Nowadays if testing an experiment
(which I also would have said was insane) involved someone going "Well, it hasn't happened
yet." Any given one of us would answer "Yet."
Anything seemed possible.
*Everything* seemed possible.
~ I thought no one was supposed to understand me. ~
The fact that no one should be able to understand anyone else fully, stuck with me
throughout the earlier part of my life. Up until I met Kaoru. That was when I discovered
that the only thing I thought impossible was in fact, possible. The only little thing
I had used to cap my boundaries and say the human mind could never go that far had
been broken. My view of life that kept me alive and kept me from spilling out to someone
else was shattered.
~ How am I supposed to live this way? ~
What when wrong and what caused me to explode the way I did at her... at any of them...
I will never know. Whatever caused me to make the decisions I made the way I made them...
those decisions where so horrible, that I am not sure I want to know what forced me
to make them. All I know, and all I ever will know, is that the person who made those
decisions was not the Shinji Ikari I am and is not the Shinji Ikari I ever thought I would
end up being.
~ Sometimes I just wish I had never met him. ~