Title: Friends
Author: Lance Robert Weeler
E-Mail: lanceweeler@hotmail.com
Category: Sort of Clana in a parody sense
Rating: PG-13 (some adult themes and some naughty words)
Spoilers: Whole freaking first season
Disclaimers: You can keep all the characters. I'll take the real Kristin Kreuk any day of the week.
Summary: Six friends talking in a coffee shop...hmm..sound familiar?
Notes: Script format. Please don't flame me for how I portray Chloe or *puke* Whitney, this is a Parody, and all characters are exaggerated...I'm also a fan fiction virgin, so please be gentle with me - I know it's not very good. Increase the font size for easier reading.
Feedback: Read & reply please! Or E-mail! Or something!
***************************************************
The day was young, six young friends of varying descriptions sat around a table at their favourite coffee house just hanging out...
**Camera Angle is from middle of the table i.e. That '70s Show Pot Smoking Circle Angle**
Lex Luthor, dressed in an impeccable business suit was reading the Daily Planet Business section. His bald head, gleaming as if polished, was the result of a freak meteor shower that mysteriously left his eyebrows and lashes in tact.
To his right Pete Ross, the token black guy with not much character development, had his eyes wandering about evaluating each waitress.
On his right sits Chloe Sullivan or rather sat Chloe Sullivan. The blond amateur reporter was actually under the table with her camera, now in the process of taking a picture of a spider with only seven legs.
To her right sits Clark Kent, a big muscular farm boy that millions of teenage girls in America found irresistible...except in Smallville where he was Joe Average. Clark at this point is trying very hard not to look at the girl to his right, Lana Lang, while his eyes shifted and squinted as if out of control, all of which nobody notices of course.
Lana Lang, the quintessential beauty queen was dressed in a fuzzy pink sweater and dark blue jeans reading the German translation of "War and Peace," stopping every so often to slap the wandering hand of her boyfriend on her right trying to cop a feel. Noticeably absent from her neck, was her kryptonite necklace, which she hadn't worn for months - for no reason at all...it seemed like she only wore it occasionally at pivotal points in the plot.
Her boyfriend Whitney, an average-looking guy with the average-build and all the charm of a stale bagel was contemplating why Lana Lang was his girlfriend as he fondled a football in his right hand and with his left hand fondled -
LA: Whitney!
WH: Yes, Lana?
LA: You're a senior right?
WH: Yeah, Lana.
LA: Chloe, Clark, and I are freshmen, right?
WH: Are you trying to make some kind of point here?
LA: We've been going out for a year, Whitney.
WH: So?
LA: I'm only 14. You've been dating me since I was 13. I just realized that you're a sick freak!
*Everyone at the table stops what they're doing and watches the couple intently, except Chloe who is still trying to frame the perfect shot of the Spider, and Lex who's trying to concentrate on the paper*
WH: What?!? Just because I like jailbait? There isn't anything wrong with that!
PE: Mmm Hmm, I here what you're saying, man. If they're old enough to bleed...
CL: Pete! That's disgusting! Don't you think about anything but sex?
PE: Well not really...only when I'm in the guy's locker room.
LA: Have you ever even had sex?
PE: Well no, the WB has to keep all those family values as not to anger the PTC, so I never get laid.
CL: *holding his head* The what? The who? Pete what are you talking about?
PE: Never mind.
LA: So, Whitney, where are taking me today?
WH: Um, actually I wanted to go practice with the guys.
LA: Again? It seems like you are always doing something involving football, instead of spending time with your hot, beautiful girlfriend! Bastard.
WH: *mumbles* Cranky bitch.
LA: What?!? Do I need to remind you everyday that my parents died, that I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do except reveal some big secret about my childhood to Clark every afternoon in his loft/peeping room? Cut me some slack OK? Besides, I have a pervert boyfriend.
WH: I'm not a pervert! I haven't even tried to get into your pants!
LA: Yeah, why haven't you tried to get into my pants? Am I not pretty enough for you, not sexy enough?!?
WH: No, *stutters for a moment* I-I'm a gentleman.
LA: Gentleman? A gentleman doesn't try to cop a feel in the middle of a coffee shop at 8 in the morning. A gentlemen doesn't tie up good old' farmhands like Clark Kent in the middle of a cornfield! A gentleman wouldn't follow a hermit home, make baseless accusations based on him being a hermit, and threaten said hermit!
WH: But Lana, *starts whining* he was a hermit!
LE: Would you two please stop yelling? I'm trying to read the business section here! You're acting like a bunch of teenagers.
PE: Lex, we are teenagers.
LE: Oh yeah. Why the hell am I hanging with you guys? Man, I need a life - some friends.
*Lex gets up, shakes his head, throws some money on the table and walks out the door, into his Porsche. The Porsche speeds away at 80 miles per hour.*
CL: Why does he keep speeding? He almost died that day on the bridge and still drives so fast.
PE: Maybe he just likes the feel of the wind blowing through his hair.
Everyone stares at Pete, completely dumbfounded.
PE: What? I never said I was smart. Hey, if we're freshman and about 14 years old how come we all can drive?
*Sound of screeching tires outside*
CL: Um, I'll be right back you guys. *Walks to the door and glances back and forth to make sure no one's looking before speeding to Lex's crashed Porsche*
CH: *from under the table* You really have to see this spider, it's so freaky!
WH: Does it have seven legs?
CH: Yeah, how did you know?
WH: I tore off its leg a few minutes ago, I got bored.
CH: Were there any meteor rocks nearby when you did that?
LA: Would you just give it up, Chloe?
*Chloe gets back in her seat*
CH: Sorry Lana, just trying to be the best amateur reporter I can be.
LA: It's Saturday Chloe, can't you take a break for once?
CH: Oh, sorry Ms. Lang, Miss perfect, Miss can't do anything wrong.
LA: What the hell was that for?
*Clark walks back into the coffee shop with his hair messed up*
CH: I'm so freaking jealous of you. Clarks always has moon eyes over you -
CL: What? I don't -
CH: - and all the freak of the week's just have to chase after you cuz you're Lana Lang, ugh I'm just so sick of you.
LA: But my parents died! And you keep reminding me everyday. Heartbreak in the Homeland? Ring a bell? You keep that thing on your Wall of Weird all the time, did you ever think that maybe I was uncomfortable being on a wall with a bunch of meteor freaks?
CL: Hey, they aren't freaks, they're just misunderstood, and have freaky powers...and frequently chase after the people I love and attempt to kill them in various ways. And I don't make moon eyes.
WH: Sure, Kent. You've got it bad. I've got to go hang out with a bunch of sweaty guys instead of spending time with you, Lana. Hey Kent, take care of her for me would you? I mean, look after her...and don't do her, just cuz I can't...er won't...because I'm a gentleman.
CL: Sure thing Whitney.
*Clark gives us his classic pained/inner emotional turmoil face*
PE: Hey, I'm going to go too, Whitney always has hot chicks following him around for some reason, maybe I can get some leftovers.
*Pete runs after him.*
CH: It's no use Clark, you might as well give up on her, she's never gonna break up with Whitney, even if he is a pervert. You know there are girls in this world other than Lana Lang. *Looks Clark in the eye and purses her lips*
LA: Hey, aren't you supposed to say those things and hit on him after I leave and Clark glances longingly at my backside while I walk away with my arms wrapped around my books?
CL: So what are you suggesting, that I give up the love of my life and just date one of my best friends who I have little or no chemistry with at all?
CH: That's right Clark, settle. I know I'm only second best. Or maybe not even, you don't seem to notice anyone but - ugh - Lana...
LA: Hello, I'm right here! Jeez!
*Lana gets up in frustration and heads to the counter to resume her managerial duties such as bringing coffee to customers, even though her first stint as a waitress was a disaster.*
CL: I don't know Chloe, you're kind of needy. If anyone were to ask you out, you'd like flip out and smother them or something.
CH: Shut up and love me! Or I'm going to start crying.
CL: Okay. I guess I kind of like you now that I think about it for a second. Yeah, I like you. Wow, I never really thought about it. Even though I'm a teenager with raging hormones, I've never even remotely thought of you sexually. Let's possibly ruin our friendship at a whim.
CH: Yes! And if you ever leave me at this table to go save someone's life or the world, I swear I will never forgive you.
CL: I would never do that! Of course, I do say a lot of things that I never end up doing...
*Lana screams, she has just spilled coffee on herself. Clark rushes to her with a towel.*
CH: *hands to her head* Damn, he almost came through on that one.
CL: Are you alright?
LA: *Takes the towel appreciatively* I am now. *Lana looks deep into Clark's eyes* You know Clark, you never cease to amaze me. You're not always there when I want you to be, but you're always there when I need you.
CL: Just part of the Kent-charm I guess. *Clark's thin lips make a stupid smirk and his eyebrows raise*
*Chloe is about to puke*
LA: Whitney's impotent.
CL: Yeah, I know.
*Clark wraps his arms around Lana's waist*
LA: So Clark, are you still trying to figure out if you are man or superman?
CL: Neither - but you make me man of steel, baby.
LA: Uh Clark, could you never say the world "baby" again? It doesn't suit you.
CL: Okay, sex kitten? How about -
LA: Clark...PTC remember? The WB has to be notable for something! Dawson's Creek is getting cancelled next season.
CL: Huh? PT what? *Scratches his head*
*Chloe starts to tear up and mumbles incoherently in the background*
Author: Lance Robert Weeler
E-Mail: lanceweeler@hotmail.com
Category: Sort of Clana in a parody sense
Rating: PG-13 (some adult themes and some naughty words)
Spoilers: Whole freaking first season
Disclaimers: You can keep all the characters. I'll take the real Kristin Kreuk any day of the week.
Summary: Six friends talking in a coffee shop...hmm..sound familiar?
Notes: Script format. Please don't flame me for how I portray Chloe or *puke* Whitney, this is a Parody, and all characters are exaggerated...I'm also a fan fiction virgin, so please be gentle with me - I know it's not very good. Increase the font size for easier reading.
Feedback: Read & reply please! Or E-mail! Or something!
***************************************************
The day was young, six young friends of varying descriptions sat around a table at their favourite coffee house just hanging out...
**Camera Angle is from middle of the table i.e. That '70s Show Pot Smoking Circle Angle**
Lex Luthor, dressed in an impeccable business suit was reading the Daily Planet Business section. His bald head, gleaming as if polished, was the result of a freak meteor shower that mysteriously left his eyebrows and lashes in tact.
To his right Pete Ross, the token black guy with not much character development, had his eyes wandering about evaluating each waitress.
On his right sits Chloe Sullivan or rather sat Chloe Sullivan. The blond amateur reporter was actually under the table with her camera, now in the process of taking a picture of a spider with only seven legs.
To her right sits Clark Kent, a big muscular farm boy that millions of teenage girls in America found irresistible...except in Smallville where he was Joe Average. Clark at this point is trying very hard not to look at the girl to his right, Lana Lang, while his eyes shifted and squinted as if out of control, all of which nobody notices of course.
Lana Lang, the quintessential beauty queen was dressed in a fuzzy pink sweater and dark blue jeans reading the German translation of "War and Peace," stopping every so often to slap the wandering hand of her boyfriend on her right trying to cop a feel. Noticeably absent from her neck, was her kryptonite necklace, which she hadn't worn for months - for no reason at all...it seemed like she only wore it occasionally at pivotal points in the plot.
Her boyfriend Whitney, an average-looking guy with the average-build and all the charm of a stale bagel was contemplating why Lana Lang was his girlfriend as he fondled a football in his right hand and with his left hand fondled -
LA: Whitney!
WH: Yes, Lana?
LA: You're a senior right?
WH: Yeah, Lana.
LA: Chloe, Clark, and I are freshmen, right?
WH: Are you trying to make some kind of point here?
LA: We've been going out for a year, Whitney.
WH: So?
LA: I'm only 14. You've been dating me since I was 13. I just realized that you're a sick freak!
*Everyone at the table stops what they're doing and watches the couple intently, except Chloe who is still trying to frame the perfect shot of the Spider, and Lex who's trying to concentrate on the paper*
WH: What?!? Just because I like jailbait? There isn't anything wrong with that!
PE: Mmm Hmm, I here what you're saying, man. If they're old enough to bleed...
CL: Pete! That's disgusting! Don't you think about anything but sex?
PE: Well not really...only when I'm in the guy's locker room.
LA: Have you ever even had sex?
PE: Well no, the WB has to keep all those family values as not to anger the PTC, so I never get laid.
CL: *holding his head* The what? The who? Pete what are you talking about?
PE: Never mind.
LA: So, Whitney, where are taking me today?
WH: Um, actually I wanted to go practice with the guys.
LA: Again? It seems like you are always doing something involving football, instead of spending time with your hot, beautiful girlfriend! Bastard.
WH: *mumbles* Cranky bitch.
LA: What?!? Do I need to remind you everyday that my parents died, that I don't know who I am or what I'm supposed to do except reveal some big secret about my childhood to Clark every afternoon in his loft/peeping room? Cut me some slack OK? Besides, I have a pervert boyfriend.
WH: I'm not a pervert! I haven't even tried to get into your pants!
LA: Yeah, why haven't you tried to get into my pants? Am I not pretty enough for you, not sexy enough?!?
WH: No, *stutters for a moment* I-I'm a gentleman.
LA: Gentleman? A gentleman doesn't try to cop a feel in the middle of a coffee shop at 8 in the morning. A gentlemen doesn't tie up good old' farmhands like Clark Kent in the middle of a cornfield! A gentleman wouldn't follow a hermit home, make baseless accusations based on him being a hermit, and threaten said hermit!
WH: But Lana, *starts whining* he was a hermit!
LE: Would you two please stop yelling? I'm trying to read the business section here! You're acting like a bunch of teenagers.
PE: Lex, we are teenagers.
LE: Oh yeah. Why the hell am I hanging with you guys? Man, I need a life - some friends.
*Lex gets up, shakes his head, throws some money on the table and walks out the door, into his Porsche. The Porsche speeds away at 80 miles per hour.*
CL: Why does he keep speeding? He almost died that day on the bridge and still drives so fast.
PE: Maybe he just likes the feel of the wind blowing through his hair.
Everyone stares at Pete, completely dumbfounded.
PE: What? I never said I was smart. Hey, if we're freshman and about 14 years old how come we all can drive?
*Sound of screeching tires outside*
CL: Um, I'll be right back you guys. *Walks to the door and glances back and forth to make sure no one's looking before speeding to Lex's crashed Porsche*
CH: *from under the table* You really have to see this spider, it's so freaky!
WH: Does it have seven legs?
CH: Yeah, how did you know?
WH: I tore off its leg a few minutes ago, I got bored.
CH: Were there any meteor rocks nearby when you did that?
LA: Would you just give it up, Chloe?
*Chloe gets back in her seat*
CH: Sorry Lana, just trying to be the best amateur reporter I can be.
LA: It's Saturday Chloe, can't you take a break for once?
CH: Oh, sorry Ms. Lang, Miss perfect, Miss can't do anything wrong.
LA: What the hell was that for?
*Clark walks back into the coffee shop with his hair messed up*
CH: I'm so freaking jealous of you. Clarks always has moon eyes over you -
CL: What? I don't -
CH: - and all the freak of the week's just have to chase after you cuz you're Lana Lang, ugh I'm just so sick of you.
LA: But my parents died! And you keep reminding me everyday. Heartbreak in the Homeland? Ring a bell? You keep that thing on your Wall of Weird all the time, did you ever think that maybe I was uncomfortable being on a wall with a bunch of meteor freaks?
CL: Hey, they aren't freaks, they're just misunderstood, and have freaky powers...and frequently chase after the people I love and attempt to kill them in various ways. And I don't make moon eyes.
WH: Sure, Kent. You've got it bad. I've got to go hang out with a bunch of sweaty guys instead of spending time with you, Lana. Hey Kent, take care of her for me would you? I mean, look after her...and don't do her, just cuz I can't...er won't...because I'm a gentleman.
CL: Sure thing Whitney.
*Clark gives us his classic pained/inner emotional turmoil face*
PE: Hey, I'm going to go too, Whitney always has hot chicks following him around for some reason, maybe I can get some leftovers.
*Pete runs after him.*
CH: It's no use Clark, you might as well give up on her, she's never gonna break up with Whitney, even if he is a pervert. You know there are girls in this world other than Lana Lang. *Looks Clark in the eye and purses her lips*
LA: Hey, aren't you supposed to say those things and hit on him after I leave and Clark glances longingly at my backside while I walk away with my arms wrapped around my books?
CL: So what are you suggesting, that I give up the love of my life and just date one of my best friends who I have little or no chemistry with at all?
CH: That's right Clark, settle. I know I'm only second best. Or maybe not even, you don't seem to notice anyone but - ugh - Lana...
LA: Hello, I'm right here! Jeez!
*Lana gets up in frustration and heads to the counter to resume her managerial duties such as bringing coffee to customers, even though her first stint as a waitress was a disaster.*
CL: I don't know Chloe, you're kind of needy. If anyone were to ask you out, you'd like flip out and smother them or something.
CH: Shut up and love me! Or I'm going to start crying.
CL: Okay. I guess I kind of like you now that I think about it for a second. Yeah, I like you. Wow, I never really thought about it. Even though I'm a teenager with raging hormones, I've never even remotely thought of you sexually. Let's possibly ruin our friendship at a whim.
CH: Yes! And if you ever leave me at this table to go save someone's life or the world, I swear I will never forgive you.
CL: I would never do that! Of course, I do say a lot of things that I never end up doing...
*Lana screams, she has just spilled coffee on herself. Clark rushes to her with a towel.*
CH: *hands to her head* Damn, he almost came through on that one.
CL: Are you alright?
LA: *Takes the towel appreciatively* I am now. *Lana looks deep into Clark's eyes* You know Clark, you never cease to amaze me. You're not always there when I want you to be, but you're always there when I need you.
CL: Just part of the Kent-charm I guess. *Clark's thin lips make a stupid smirk and his eyebrows raise*
*Chloe is about to puke*
LA: Whitney's impotent.
CL: Yeah, I know.
*Clark wraps his arms around Lana's waist*
LA: So Clark, are you still trying to figure out if you are man or superman?
CL: Neither - but you make me man of steel, baby.
LA: Uh Clark, could you never say the world "baby" again? It doesn't suit you.
CL: Okay, sex kitten? How about -
LA: Clark...PTC remember? The WB has to be notable for something! Dawson's Creek is getting cancelled next season.
CL: Huh? PT what? *Scratches his head*
*Chloe starts to tear up and mumbles incoherently in the background*