Journal Entry # ?
April 24, 2010
I'm going to die. I wish I could say it was the end but I could never be so lucky. I'm just dying. Painfully. Slowly.
Alone.
My heart hurts. It's a wonder to me that it can hurt. I didn't think it was still beating. I had thought that my heart had died long ago, with her…
But it's still there because I can feel the pain. I desperately wish that he were here. It's a need so profound I'm almost ashamed of myself. I've never needed another being so much before and to think that all it took was for him to look into my eyes and the world seemed to melt away. One simple look and I was human again. I wanted the life that I had denied myself since my world had come crashing down around me. But who was I kidding? Being a hunter meant sacrifices and boy did we pay. I haven't met a hunter yet who hasn't paid the price of this life. We lose everyone we know and care about. Some of us are lucky to lose only a few.
Did we choose it?
I suppose that some of us have. Maybe because someone we love died. Maybe it's a family thing. Maybe we stumble upon the supernatural and decide it's the life we were meant to live. Either way I feel that at some point during this period of our lives we come to regret this choice. We regret giving up everything that was simple and easy. We regret giving up normalcy.
It's the choice of love that I regret. Being born into a family that hunts, my choice was taken from me and I am simply meant to follow in those footsteps. I could leave this life behind and attempt to find a new one but how does one do that? The only life I know is this. Spirits, vampires, demons, shapeshifters and legends. We like to call it the supernatural. I like to think of it as the truth that no one sees. The world behind the world. The two-way mirror. And most everybody is on the other side of that mirror only seeing their own reflection. They cannot see the truth.
Where is love in this two-way mirror? Who can I share this life with? If I come to love someone it's only one more weakness to add on the list, another stab to my heart, gasoline for the fire. Do I choose to love and to survive with this love? Can I survive the pain if the unthinkable happens?
I'm not sure I'll ever know. We are at the end now yet I will not survive for the End. The flame of my soul will be doused, extinguished. The light forever gone. There is no relighting this candle, the one called life. My life had meant something once. And now…
Now I have no idea if it will, ever again.
Please. Please find me before the end.
End Journal