Peter was staring at the vegetable from across the kitchen with his arms crossed, a deep confused frown furrowing his eyebrows. That… was a really big zucchini. According to the note attached to it, Aunt May decided he wasn't eating enough veggies and that a massive zucchini would be the perfect solution. Peter didn't like that at all; he would be having zucchini everything for a week, he'd probably be so sick of green, he'd puke upon seeing his villains. Why did most of his villains have green outfits, why. He had to get rid of it. Oh god, that was a giant zucchini on his table and it looked like it could crush his limbs, how was this his life. He was starting to really panic when his cellphone rang. Wade. Thank god, he'd know what to do.
"Petey talk to me I am sooo bored I let those guys capture me and lock me up in a dock and I set up a trap and now I'm waiting for them to come back but they're not coming back can you imagine the nerve they totally forgot about me I'm gonna make them regret ever being born do you understand this is not how you treat a person you kidnap Petey are you there?"
Peter took a deep breath in and out through his nose not to sigh. Now was not the time to lecture Wade about his life choices, there were more pressing matters to attend. "Wade, we have problem. There's a humongous zucchini in my kitchen."
Wade hummed and Peter could hear a chair scrap the floor, so he probably sat down. Good, that was very professional of Wade. "A zucchini? A long thick green vegetable? That's what we're dealing with here?"
"It's bigger than my forearm, Wade."
"Oh."
"Yeah, oh. So what do I with it? It looks like it would shatter a machete if I tried to chop it."
"No, no, no chopping. No sharp objects."
"Why?"
"Because I say so. I'm the weapon expert here, so you listen to me and no fussing."
"Right, right, okay. Tell me what to do."
Wade cleared his throat and told Peter to put him on speaker and put the zucchini in the sink. He stressed that Peter should report everything, from what he was doing to what he was feeling.
"I'm, uh, grabbing it with my hands, both hands. It's so thick my fingers don't link. And it's heavy."
"Yes, good, okay." Peter could hear Wade shuffling. At least he was invested in the mission, Peter appreciated that. "Now open the tap and clean it. Very thoroughly. Don't miss a spot. You have to tell me how you're doing this so I'm sure you're not fucking it up."
"Uh… okay?" Peter opened the tap and put the vegetable under it. "Um, I'm… cleaning it?"
"That's not very descriptive."
"Well what do you want me to say? I'm stroking it? With my hands? To spread water all over it? I'm holding that giant thing and touching it, I don't know how else to put it! I'm not a literature major, you know…"
Wade groaned. What now? Was Peter doing such a crappy job? With cleaning a vegetable? That was just perfect – very uplifting.
"What are you wearing?" Wade blurted.
"What does that have to do with anything?!"
"A lot. Your towels suck. So I have to know what other materials you have around. Now answer the question."
"Wh- Sweatpants. T-shirt. How is this relevant?"
"Sweatpants are perfect. Now rub the zucchini on your thighs. Slowly, carefully. You have to dry it. Tell me how it feels. I need to know if you're applying the right pressure."
Peter cocked an eyebrow, but shrugged and started wiping the vegetable on his sweatpants. "It doesn't really feel like anything other than wiping a big zucchini on my pants, Wade. But it scrapes I guess? Am I rubbing too hard?"
"No, no, it's perfect. Hard is good. Ugh. Yeah, okay, now, run your hand over it to see if it's dry. How does it feel?"
"Well, it's still kinda damp. It's hard. The skin is scrappy. Kinda like your dick, heh." Peter heard a loud clank and Wade shouted. "Wade? Everything okay there?"
"Yeah, baby boy, everything is perfect. Just, I dropped a load. Of, uh, guns. Sorry. Are you sure it's clean?"
"Looks pretty clean to me."
"You have to be sure, Peter. You should lick it."
"What."
"What."
The sudden realization hit Peter like a ton of bricks. He dropped the zucchini and kicked it across the kitchen. "Wade, did what I think just happened, actually happen?"
"Oops, sorry, gotta go. I think the bad guys are finally coming back. Don't do anything with that zucchini until I come home. I have plans for it."
The call ended and Peter just stood there, gaping. He looked at the zucchini on his floor and shuddered. He went to the living room and came back with an armchair, held over his head. He eyed the vegetable with dismay and unceremoniously dropped the armchair on it.
He needed a shower.