Disclaimer: The Avengers belong to Marvel. I am just a humble fic writer. Believe me, if I owned it, Clintasha would have their own movie by now.
First Avengers fic! I am so in love with the Avengers, the MCU, and Clintasha that it isn't even funny right now. This got stuck in my head and it would not go away. It takes place completely during the movie, but sort of behind the scenes. It's also more than a bit Clintasha. I regret nothing. I hope y'all like it - leave me a review and tell me what you think, please!
When Coulson tells her Barton's been compromised, she can't breathe. In the instant before she springs into action, she does not even know what to think. Clint is compromised. Clint. Compromised. More variants flash through her thoughts before she shoves them from her mind and does what she does best.
It's like she's running on automatic after that. She tries to keep any thought of Clint Barton as far from her mind as possible. She fails, but she doesn't care. She focuses on her job, on bringing Loki down. For Clint's sake.
Deep inside – she will never admit this to anyone, least of all him – she is terrified of only two things. One of them is that he will leave her forever. Just like everyone else she ever trusted did. He is the only person in the world that Natasha Romanoff trusts with her life. She trusts Phil, too, but it's not the same. She knows Coulson has her back, but he's not Clint. He is not her partner. He isn't Clint.
Natasha knows that it is only a matter of time until one or both of them is killed in action, but she cannot help be terrified that it's going to be him. She does not know what she will do if she loses him. She knows that it is a very real possibility that she will have to be the one to take him down. They do not know what Loki has done to him. They do not even know if Clint is still in there somewhere or if Loki has killed him and put something back in the shell that was left. She hopes not.
She desperately hopes not, though she will never allow anyone to know that. She barely even lets herself know that. She cannot face the idea of losing her partner or of being the one who has to bring him down. She has barely had time to even think. Rather, she has been sent off to find the scientist who tried to replicate the serum that made Steve Rogers into Captain America, Dr. Bruce Banner.
While she helps Fury gather those he chose for the Avengers Initiative, she tries to put Clint as far from her mind as she possibly can. She tries to breathe without him. She can't. She cannot forget him. She cannot forget the debt she owes him. No matter how hard she tries to.
It is in the (not so) quiet of the helicarrier that she tries to pull her thoughts together. Even when it is quiet, Natasha cannot think. She cannot hear her own thoughts. All she can think is what if I have to kill Clint?
It is a reality that she knows she may have to face. What is left is terror. Her best friend, her partner, the man she knows always has her back. The one who comes running when she's hurt – even though she knows he hates being in hospitals or medical wards. He still comes when she needs him. Always.
But not now. Now he isn't even Clint. He's Loki's brainwashed soldier. She does not know if he even knows who he is, but she wants him back. Natasha will do anything to get Clint back.
She is not sure she can face the idea of having to actually kill her partner, even if it is kill or be killed. She knows she can do it. But not if she wants to do it. No, it is not about whether she wants to – it is a whether she truly can. It is whether she can pull the trigger and end Clint forever. It is about whether she can do her job – whether she can eliminate this threat – and put the fact that it is Clint Barton aside.
Because the fact is, she knows that it may look like Clint, but it isn't him anymore. Clint may still be in there, but right now it's not him. It's Loki and there is little chance that even someone as strong as Clint could fight his way out of what Loki did to him.
She feels like she is obsessing over this in the back of her mind – and she knows she is. Because this is Clint. This is the man she cares about more than anything else in the world. This is her partner. This is her best friend.
(She doesn't love him. Love is for children and she was never a child. She was never allowed to be. There are no words to say how she feels about him – and now there never can be.)
She can't help that he is all that she can think about. He is all that she has known since the day he was sent to kill her and he made a different call. He was the first true, good constant she ever had. After the years they have been partners, she does not want to remember what it was like before Clint saved her from herself. She has tried so hard to clear the red from her ledger, but she has a deep fear that it will drip with the blood of her partner. That is a stain she will never be able to erase.
It is some consolation that no one can read her and that she has let nothing slip. At least everyone but Phil. He is their handler and he knows them better than anyone else. He knows that she has not stopped thinking about Clint since he spoke those words. Barton's been compromised. He knows. If anyone else knows what she's feeling, it is Phil Coulson. She knows he won't say anything and he doesn't. He doesn't tell Fury that she may be compromised. He knows that she will do her job – and he knows that she will do anything within her power to get Clint back.
And if she can't, she will do what she has to. Neither of them wants it to come to that, but they know that it could. Clint may be gone forever, and she isn't sure she could handle that. They have a dangerous life, but they have always survived, even if it was literally by the skin of their teeth.
As time goes on, she is compromised and Loki lashes out harder and faster than they were expecting. Natasha cannot remember the last time anyone terrified her like Loki did. Then Dr. Banner lost control and she had a very big, very green monster on her tail.
The first time she sees Clint again sends a jolt through her. The cold, unnaturally blue in his eyes makes her heart constrict. She can't breathe again. All she wants is to have Clint back. All she wants is to save him. She doesn't hesitate.