Now, this is a story all about how

my life got flipped, turned up side down

And I'd like to take a moment just sit right in

'Tell you how I became a hero from a place called Zanarand!

I grew up in Zanarkand born and raised

On the playground is were I spent most of my days

Crying all day and swimming in the pool and

Playing some Blitzball outside the school

When a giant monster who was up to no good

Started making trouble in the neighborhood

I got in one little fight and Auron got scared

'Said "your moving to besaid a thousand in da future!"

"Stop being a damn pussy!" said Ject Sparrow, Captain of the Zanarkand Abes to his son Tidus. Ject was a manly dude with a tattoo of something on his chest and a really sweet red headband. Tidus was a blond, androgynous little boy wearing shorts. The shorts were ripped so that one pant leg was longer than the other. The two were on a Blitzball court, practicing.

"But daa-ad." he whined "I want to play games that are not Blitzball, like Quidditch!"

"Shut up, boy! Quidditch is for Brits and Canadians anyway! Real men play Blitzball!" Tidus began to cry... again.

"Oh, come one! I didn't even do anything to you this time!" he said, then muttered, "Damn I wish I had used a condom..."

This may sound depressing, but it was just another day in the Sparrow household in ancient Zanarkand. Tidus had lived his whole life as a crying little pansy. His dad taunted him often, so it won't surprise you that he grew up and became the greatest Blitzball player in the whole world. What's that? It does surprise you? Well this won't be the first time. Flash forward to the present day, Tidus is at the world series of Blitzball in the Zanarkand Awesome Dome when he is bombarded by his adoring fans before the game.

"Sign my Blitzball!" said a fan.

"No, sign mine!" said another.

"Me too!"

"Hold on, there's plenty of ink in this pen to sign most, if not all of your Blitzballs!" said Tidus, writing his name on all of their Blitzballs. (Sphere Count: 1)

Suddenly a whistle could be heard in the dome, the great sport of Blitzball was about to begin. Tidus ran to the court just as they were starting the water sphere generator. (Sphere Count: 2) A huge sphere of water was created from absolutely nowhere and the huge, mysterious machine somehow kept the ball of water aloft as if by some magic or technology that was never adequately explained.

"Tonight we honor a great man!" said an announcer over the loud speaker.

"Oh great," muttered Tidus under his breath.

"That great man was Captain Ject Sparrow. The former star player of the Zanarkin Abes, a great man indeed. He disappeared ten years ago, leaving us with his replacement: Tidus. I sure wish we had him instead!"

Tidus sighed, but then got over his anxiety about his father long enough to get pumped for the big game. He jumped into the big sphere of water and swam to the rest of his team in order to get his game on. Blitzball, for those of you uninformed is a game identical to soccer, but with a ridiculously high drowning risk and requires impossible machinery. It is also neither fun to play nor is it to watch. Meanwhile a huge tidal wave began to engulf the city of Zanarkand. Some metal music began to play in the background. Tidus saw the huge wave while making an impossible shot towards to goal. There was a one billion foot tall monster in it! Tidus was knocked out and flung across the whole field, the huge, suspended water sphere collapsed as well, sending several tons of water crashing down on top of him.

The next thing he knew, Tidus was awoken by a bad mother fucker by the name of Auron. Auron is a samurai with a big ass sword and a huge jug of booze at his side. What a boss!

"What was that monster I saw?" Tidus asked him waking up and crying.

"That is called Sin." He responded. "Lets go!"

"All right, where to?"

"Just follow me, its hard to explain and really it wont make any sense anyway."

Tidus followed the bad ass samurai across the main street bridge. Sin hovered ominously overhead. It shook and large flakes of... I don't know, dandruff? came off and sprouted legs. The dandruff attacked Tidus and Auron.
"Take this sword, you fruit cake!" said Auron, handing Tidus a sword. "We gotta kick some ass!"

"Will you be okay? It looks like your arm is hurt or something."

"All I need is a big ass sword and some booze, and I'm cool." he said swigging from his huge flask. "Alright, lets do this thing, you do know how to use a sword don't you?"

"Sure, the pointy bit is for poking right?"

Auron sighed and took another drink. "Sure."

Auron kicked the little dandruff flakes' asses, or whatever. Tidus, uh... helped I guess.

"Lets go!" he said after the dandruff had been slain. The two continued onward. Eventually they encountered a large thing from Sin's body, I don't know what it is. Auron killed this one two, Tidus also gave it a go, but mostly it was Auron again. A very large number of the little thinglets surrounded Tidus and Auron and Sin shook off even more. Auron knocked down a huge thing and crushed most of them. Tidus started crying and whining about how Auron took care of all the creatures and about how he never got enough attention from his mommy or something like that.

"Come on, don't cry dude. If it'll make you feel better. I guess you could look at the situation as a story. I'll even let it be "your story" if you stop crying." said Auron trying to comfort him.

"Really?"

"Sure, why not?"

Tidus was then sucked into a large plot hole.