A/N: I don't expect you guys to like this. Though it'll be nice if you have a few confuddled laughs here and there. Don't be mad if nothing makes sense. This is a randomly typed crackfic which is NOT meant to be taken seriously. But I guess you already know that. So...I'll stop rambling now.
DISCLAIMER: I disclaim what is not mine to claim. Seriously. Credit goes to ARC System Works and those who designed BlazBlue and its awesome characters whose reputations I shall now proceed to damage. :P
Hold the ketchup
It was exactly 5 AM in the morning and Miss Litchi was opening shop. Only, it wasn't a shop that she was opening, it was a small clinic in Orient Town.
Stepping into her office, she stretched her arms over her head and yawned a small yawn, causing many miniature tornadoes to sweep across Russia.
"Morning Doctor Faye-Ling, how was your sleep?" Linhau asked, peeping from behind a tiny pot plant on the doctor's desk.
Miss Litchi used a random tweezer to pick up her assistant, who she then observed underneath the microscope. "It was awful, I should really buy myself a new box to sleep in, it's starting to smell of strawberry popsicles!"
"Oh, I see. I saw a few boxes just laying behind that magazine over there; I'll go get it for you." Linhau offered, jumping out of the petri dish and running to said giant magazine.
Just then, a muscular man, smelling like rotten fish, burst through the door. "MISS LITCHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!"
"Oh Bang, why do you always have to shout? I'm right here you know." Miss Litchi scolded with a frown and the vigilante put down the gigantic megaphone which was previously pressed up against her ear.
"Now, what is it that you wanted?" Miss Litchi asked all important-like, flipping through some medical folder.
"I want…" Bang rubbed his hands together and hunched his shoulders, letting out a maniacal cackle. "…your hand in marriage!"
Lightning struck overhead. Miss Litchi gasped, holding the back of her hand to her forehead and leaning on the desk for support.
To congratulate, Linhau threw streamers and confetti over the shocked doctor while Bang polished a cooking knife.
He yanked Miss Litchi's hand forward, "Now, I will finally complete my collection of badly manicured hands!"
Before anything else could be said or done, Iron Tager ran through the wall. Literally.
"I like to move it move it! You like to move it move it! We like to move it move it! We like to? Move it!" he sang in his bass voice while doing a Hawaiian hula dance.
Kokonoe crawled out of his ear and joined the dance. Linhau turned into a tiny pony and started neighing in tune, but sadly no one could hear her, because she was tiny.
"I made a tuna sandwich!" Litchi chirped, placing said snack in the microwave oven.
Ragna ran into the room, covered in the fake blood that he got for a five percent discount at the costume shop. It said so on the price tag stuck to his back…
"Outta my way, I want TUNA!" he roared, frothing from the mouth and running around in circles as he flailed his papier-mâché sword up in the air.
Ragna opened the microwave oven door and took out the plate. On the plate, was a break-dancing gingerbread Tao.
He burst out crying, tears spurting all around. "You liar! You liar!"
Just then, Jin popped his head out of one of the ventilation shafts in the ceiling. He pointed one of his sparkly pink pompoms at Ragna and yelled with a mortified expression. "Nee-san!"
Tager pulled cheerleader Jin down and sneezed in his face. Kokonoe giggled like a school girl and then went back to gulping down a pail of water while Noel continuously backhanded her deceased great uncle, Marcus Vermillion.
"Die mortals!" Rachel came flying in with a designer Nago umbrella, like the wannabe Mary Poppins that she was.
She electrocuted everyone with her red sleep-deprived eyes and then pulled Bang out from where he was hiding underneath the red carpet which certainly wasn't there before.
"Die sweaty beast!" she commanded in her posh voice. He shriveled up almost immediately.
Just then, Hazama moonwalked in to the room, totally radiating Michal Jackson swag. Better even!
He hooked arms with Rachel and the two of them tap-danced into the sunset as Carl Clover clucked like a chicken from the clinic's chimney.
Nu and Lambda watched these strange human occurrences from a nearby roof, while playing dominos and snacking on Mc Donald fries.
"Hold the ketchup!" Hakumen cried, jumping off a fluffy cloud shaped like a seahorse.
And together they sat on the rooftop and ate ketchup-less fries as they watched with great confusion as Valkenhayn and Arakune competed in karaoke. They were singing random songs varying from "LadyGii" to "My little kaka-kitten".
Arakune won the competition and became a famous multimillionaire pop star who moved to the moon with his young wife, Tsubaki.
Sadly, Makoto got rabies, hijacked a spaceship and then ate the two newly weds after dousing them into a bowl of salted seaweed. She then got sucked into a pink vortex and found herself in fairyland. There she worked the rest of her beast-kin life away as a janitor for the tooth fairy, who turned out to be Terumi.
The End.