Title:
Rating: G
Pairing: Haseo, Atoli
Summary: "Now you really see me, right Haseo?"
A/N: I love this game. That's all.
I'm lost as can be-
then you look at me-..
While everyone could admit that Haseo had grown and changed for the better,
it didn't change the fact that one Harvest Cleric still had trouble acting on that fact alone.
She fidgeted in the Netslum, frowning absentmindedly at the colors. She had invited Haseo to go to one of her favorite spots, a lovely little server with all manner of flowers and grasses and even a Goldbird, at least, that was what she was hoping for. But the only thing she really was thinking about was what color Haseo's eyes really were, and if his mouth did the same little half-smirk, and was there a pair of eyes just like his staring from beyond the pixels, the data-(and are you smiling at me?) And if it were possible, if she tried hard enough, maybe just maybe she could touch that hand in a world completely outside of this one. A world that was frightening and scary, where he could see everything, her imperfections, her trembling hands and her smile that was so timid but so hopeful and maybe just maybe-
He could see her underneath timid wrapping.
It's not too much to ask for, is it? And he can always say no, her mind said rationally, thoughtfully, I mean he probably will say no, won't he, I mean it's very rude for me to just say that I want to 'meet' him, really meet him, and not consider his schedule, even if I think he's not too far away. Maybe if I offer to come find him instead, but what if I get lost, then he'll probably leave and I'll never get my chance to-..
Atoli paused. To do what, exactly? So many things came to mind, some really were silly, and would never happen, but they were small things, tiny things she nurtured in her heart as the months after the Network Crisis spread out behind their silhouettes, like going to the park, having a sodapop, showing him her favorite place to watch the sunset, simply to feel the touch of his skin between their fingertips, that little proof that he existed. That those moments were real-..
"Atoli?"
She jumped, and heard the snort behind her.
And there he was, he really came! Of course Haseo always did try to get to her emails as she realized, but there was this joy, this gladness in her chest when he appeared outside the Chaos Gate, offering her that small smile, that tiny acknowledgement. And while catching herself out of her thoughts, Atoli, who was really Chigusa, who was really ordinary and not too special, beamed behind the computer.
"Hello." She said, and really, she wasn't gushing, not at all, because it was so much better than saying what she really wanted to say, things like, I like you very much, or I want to be with you- but that was all that came out, and she kicked herself. (Mentally of course, kicking herself with her staff wasn't really going to look good in front of Haseo, would it? )
With a shrug of his shoulders, he looked her over, raising an eyebrow at her. "You're ready, right? You look like you've been waiting a while. " He scratches the back of his head. She shakes hers, because even if he was late it would hardly matter at all, the only thing that mattered was that he was in front of her, here, now, like he always was.
"Not at all! Now, I think I found a place with a good enough level, and it's also very pretty! I hear there are goldbirds here also!" And as she tried, to advertise, tried to make the place sound amazing, a place where maybe Haseo would smile and enjoy himself, but instead all she heard was him laughing, snorting into his hand, before he looks up at her, and there is a grin on his face. "You and those damn goldbirds, " He scoffed, walking past her, and Atoli is blindsided by the grin on his face, even if he is teasing her, making fun of her, he is smiling at her, and that is always a victory in her mind.
"I'm sorry should I maybe um, pick a place with a Lucky Animal you like? I mean, an animal you can kick, a-actually, I don't mind if you kick the Goldbirds Haseo, because I want you to have a nice time after all, so-" She babbles, feeling her heart race, but Haseo is already heading towards the Chaos Gate again. "I don't care. Besides, you like them right? I don't see the issue."
And with relief in her chest, they go, and they begin again in a new place under The World.
x
Of course, Haseo is eager to level up, as he always is, and Atoli does her best to do the same. She throws potions at him almost excessively, heals him first before healing herself, even when she's only at 208 health. After a battle where she is at only 400 this time, (That's a bit better, is-isn't it?) he turns and looks at her shaking his head. "Be more careful next time. You don't need to Ol Repth me every five seconds, you know." And she frowns, fidgeting once or twice. "R-Right, I'm sorry. " And he scoffs. "Idiot, stop apologizing. We'll miss the Goldbird." And he turns and moves ahead.
Halfway through the dungeon Atoli finds herself trailing farther and farther behind, her mind lost in thought. I really should ask him, b-but he might find that really creepy, not to mention forward, I wouldn't blame him if he thinks so-but would it be so wrong? Just once- (But if he sees me what will he think? Will he never come back? He might be disgusted..he might -)
But there is a small hope inside of her that says Haseo is none of those things, he doesn't do that, he did once, but he grew up and changed and he came back for her. And maybe that's enough for her to blurt out so-very Atoli, so very Chigusa,
" C-Can I meet you sometime?"
And he turns, blinking at her quizzically, and her stomach drops. Oh no I said it wrong, didn't I-it sounds very forward doesn't it-stupid -
"But we're meeting right now, aren't we?" He answers, tilting his head, clearly confused and a piece of her is relieved.
"I-I didn't mean like that, " She stammers, looking down at her hands, and Haseo takes a step forward. "Atoli your hands are shaking.." He begins concernedly, and then a pause, "Wait, your whole PC is shaking, what the hell is wrong with you?" He says half-laughingly, half-irritably, and she swallows in her room.
"I want to meet with you in real life-i-if that's okay with you, " She adds quickly, "Because I'm sure you really are busy and I know Chiba prefecture isn't exactly too far but still I know you're busy and -I just thought well, it might be nice to see you in real life and I'm sorry! I-I sound really rude don't I? " She half-wails, and there's no response.
Her heart pounds, breaks, mends, and hopes all on it's own for about a minute.
She can barely look at Haseo, so she stares down at her toes and swallows, counting the little strands of data-created grass and she doesn't see his face, his cheeks flushed and feel his heart racing or the anxiety. She hears Haseo dryly say, "It's not that far. Even if I didn't understand half of what you're saying, we can just meet somewhere halfway, right?"
"R-Right! I'll email you a location, since you're in Tokyo, right? I'll make it as close as possible!" She promises, and he snorts. "Geez, Atoli, I said halfway, not you going the whole way to meet me. " But I don't mind, she wants to say, she wants to say she will go five hundred miles as long as he is waiting for her, as long as she can fall in step behind him, but instead, she just says, 'Oh' and the rest of the dungeon is cleared with relative quiet on both ends.
"Tomorrow. Let's meet tomorrow."
A pause.
"I'll e-mail you."
Safe to say Atoli got no sleep, and as she read the email
imagined the look on his face, and the fact that they were only a couple of miles apart.
x
They had decided to meet near one of the bus-stops between his school and the soda-pop machine that she frequented at times. It wasn't too long of a walk, (she preferred walking, there were still nice things to see when she wasn't racing to make it to class) apparently Haseo lived in a fancy school? She really didn't know much about him outside the world, but that was it. She wanted to learn..so badly.
She smoothed out her hair, hoping that the clothes she wore would not only be appropriate for a first meeting, (then again it could be their last since Haseo might not really like her ) but also when she went off to school. She fidgeted, sitting on that bench. She had promised to wait there, self-consciously she filtered through her phone, checking her calendar, and as she continued to feverishly look around, she heard a deep, clonking sound from behind her.
A boy was bending down to take a soda, but halfway, he paused, looking at his lone soda-pop can. She couldn't see his face but his hair was brown, he was wearing a school-uniform and-..he took out more change, buying another. As she fidgeted on the bench, she didn't realize her heart was racing. Her mind spinning.
Then he turned around.
She didn't know how she knew, but it was the fact that he had the same eyes, the same earnest, determined eyes that were always so strong-always so caring even though he never showed it, and it was the fact that he was standing in that same sort of casual slouch Haseo did in the world that caused her heart to race.
"Ex-excu-.." She choked, trying to get the words out, but she couldn't get them out. He approached the bench, and it didn't matter that they were surrounded by countless people, the sounds of traffic, the busy pulse of the world, the real world, where Chigusa was scared, Chigusa was dreaming, Chigusa was hoping. Where Atoli lived in her heart and waited-
that boy's eyes turned and looked at her.
"...Excuse me...-..I.." She began, her voice timid, her voice trembling, her eyes hopelessly staring up into that boy's face, his quizzical eyes.
My name is Chigusa, you know me as Atoli, ever since I met you in the World I wondered-I really did wonder-
"..Is this seat taken? " His voice was deep, the same as his.
( What would you think, when you finally looked at me? )
"N-not at all...I was actually waiting for someone...but um, he must be late..maybe..or um..excuse me but are you-.."
( What would your eyes say? How would you feel? Would you regret it? )
"Huh. Funny, I was waiting for someone too..we said we'd meet at this exact spot."
( What would you say? )
"..I-In that case um, are you..." She swallowed.
( What would you see? )
"...Atoli?" And he turned his head and looked at her, and Chigusa's eyes began to sting, her heart was swelling so full in her chest, because one person in this word,
full of horrible and wonderful things was looking at her. And maybe they could go to spots she loved, maybe one day they could hold hands, have lunch, watch birds-..laugh and smile togethertogether-
"...M-My name is Chigusa.." ( And would you know? How much it means to have someone look at me...and say..)
"...I'm eighteen years old and I-I like taking walks in the park, a-and playing with my friend Haseo in the World..."
(And say...-)
And then there is a quiet laugh, before she stares mutely at the soda pop can in front of her, as the boy glanced away, scratching the back of his head, cheeks flushed.
"So this is what you look like. I guess I should say my name too, huh? It's Ryou. "
(..And really really say.)
"So then you...you're...?"
And Ryou, who is really Haseo, who Chigusa really wants to look at her more than anything else, smiles at her and his eyes still make her heartskip a bit, because they're real and they're looking and they're seeing and it doesn't matter that she's stammering or her hands are shaking or her eyes are burning with tears.
"Yeah," He says. " I see you. "
And I am not lost anymore.