Clichés with the Four Swords Team

by Time's Quill

A story that makes the Fourth Wall huddle into a corner and cry. Rated T for light swearing, yaoi cracks, Mary-Sue bashing, and the occasional drug reference. Traumatizing children: baaaad. Traumatizing teenagers: goooood.

1. Fourth Wall, wherefore art thou?

WARNING: The following contains Xtreme RANDOMOSITY- Time's Quill Inc. is not responsible for lung failure due to over-excessive laughter, nor psychotic policemen hounding you for Noise Violations, nor your condition of brain-deadness because your mind just couldn't handle the awesomeness.

Why is this story rated T? For light swearing, yaoi cracks, Mary-Sue bashing, and the occasional drug reference. T to be safe. Traumatizing children: baaaad. Traumatizing teenagers: gooooood.

The first paragraph is rough. It sets up the hu-mor of the story. Awww, is the widdle baby going to have to read bad fanfic? Tough. DEAL! THERE ARE STARVING KIDS IN INDIA RIGHT NOW!

Enjoy,

~Author Quill

Chapter One

4th wall, 4th wall, wherefore art thou?

The Heroes of the Four Sword were arduously climbing up the side of Death Mountain in their quest to save Princess Zelda and stop the evil Wind Sorcerer Vaati. The evil sorcerer was trying to take over the realm of Hyrule, and the Heroes could not let that happen. The Maiden of Water, one of the few beings who could stop the monster, rested in the volcano's crater, trapped in her sapphire crystal, as far away from her element as it was possible to be. After all, what better way to weaken a being of water than put it in a volcano? As the brave heroes fought legions of monsters, they felt the incredible weariness of battle and the hardships of the last couple months begin to catch up with them, draining the life and will from their limbs. But they could not stop. They could not rest. The fate of Hyrule rested on their shoulders, and they would not let their kingdom down. People depended on them, and they could not fail them. Peace must return to Hyrule. It must! Their determination and hope lifted them from their despair, up to new heights of-

"Oh for the love of Din, SHUT UP!" Blue roared, wiping a bead of sweat from his face. "This is worse than the monsters!"

"I have to agree." Vio said, his hand on a nearby boulder. "The overwhelming cliché of the narration is starting to make me gag."

"Not to mention," Green said, walking over to them, "how hard it is to sneak up on a Demon from Hell when the narrator keeps screaming, 'THE HEROES ARE COMING! THE HEROES ARE COMING!'"

"Yeah, I'm not too happy either!" A red-face Red clambered over a ridge, puffing. "He keeps reminding me of how hard it is to climb this dang mountain!"

"Pshh!" Blue dismissed Red's complaint with a wave. "Stop being a baby! This isn't too hard!" Having said that, he tripped over a boulder and slammed head-first into the ground. "FRACK YOU, NARRATOR!"

Haha. That's what you get for insulting me! ANYWAY, said morons-

"Hey!"

Fine, gallant heroes resumed their climb up the treacherous slope of the Mountain of Doom.

"Boo! Lord of the Rings Rip-off! BOOOO!"

Shut up, Blue, or do you want to get another concussion?

"…[BEEP] you, narrator."

BAM! A landslide hit Blue, causing him to fall to the ground with an 'umph!'

"BLUE!" Red squealed, hurrying to his side, while Green whipped out a First-Aid kit from Nayru knows where. "MEANIE!" He yelled. "Wad'ja do that for?"

"While that was rather humorous," Vio chided gravely, "It was unnecessary and childish."

...Dang it! Leave it to Vio to cause a MAJOR guilt trip…

"Not to mention," he continued, "With one of our number incapacitated, we will have to retire for a cycle before going into the Temple of Fire."

Oops. My bad.

"Yes, it was." Green said sharply, rising from Blue's unconscious form. "If you REALLY want us to save the Golden Land of Hyrule and restore peace and hope and all that other crap, you SHOULDN'T give one of us a concussion!"

Geez, FINE! You're all so dang uptight! I was just having a little fun!

"You consider causing massive bodily harm to Blue 'fun'?" Vio said, crossing his arms.

Yes. Yes I do.

"Well," said Vio, sitting cross-legged on one of the millions of nearby boulders, "I can't argue with you there."

Woot!

"Vio!" Green reprimanded sharply. "Don't encourage him!"

Too late!

"And as for you," Green said, rounding on the Narrator (which was rather hard, since he wasn't actually there. To any passerby it would seem like he was yelling at the Mountain), "It isn't your job to interfere! You are here to tell the story, not-"

Hey! You guys started it in the- *RING!*

…Hold on, guys. I've got a call.

Green looked like he was about to explode. "WHAT? NOW? You-"

SHHH! I'm on the PHONE, dangit!

Ding-dong, this is your-friendly-neighborhood-narrator! Who's this? …Oh! M-Mr. Author!

"Ha-HA!" Green cackled. "You're in for it now!"

SHUT UP! Wha-No no, not you, Sir! I was just…sorry…yeah…I get it…but sir!…hmph. Fine.

"Welllllll?" Green sang, dancing with glee. "What did the Super-Amazing-Author say?"

Hmph. Suck-up. He said that due to unnecessary and unhelpful deviations to the plot-line, I have to…apologize…to you…

"And?" Green prompted, delighted, the little [BEEP], "What else?"

I have to…grant…one...wish…

"Whoopee!" Red sang, causing everyone to jump (yes, even Blue. A tremor threw his body five feet in the air. Hey, don't look at me! I didn't have anything to do with it. It was a natural geological phenomenon! Sheesh!). ANYWAY, everyone jumped, having quite forgotten that he was present, "a wish! Like, as in anything we want? Anything?"

…Yes...

"SWEET! I wanna marry Blue!"

"Shut up, Red!" Green smacked him. "We all know what the yaoi fangirls (and fanboys) want! NO FANSERVICE!"

Red whined, massaging his bruised head. "But this is fanfiction! It's all about the fans!"

Green silenced him, then brought him with a Force Fairy (that he had conveniently forgotten to use on Blue).

"I have to admit," said Vio, ignoring his companions, "This is quite a gift. But," he said, turning again to the Narrator, "I'd imagine that there are certain limitations to this boon, correct?"

Yes, actually, I can't do anything too big to change the plot. Like taking down Vaati. That would go against the Author's plans for the story even more than Blue getting a concussion. And no World Peace. And I won't make that super-hot Special Effects chick fall for you.

"Awwwww!" Red whined, "Why not?"

Because. That would make you happy. And besides, I already called dibs.

"What? No way! I saw her first!"

Puh-LEESE! I put in my claim waaaaaaay before YOU even joined the team! And besides, I've got so much more to offer than you do.

"What? That's not true!"

Oh? Can you do…THIS?

The surrounding landscape shimmered, and a clearing in the rocks was formed. Grass grew in the circle, a picnic table came into being, and the harsh mid-day sun dimmed to a dusky glow. Two glasses of wine formed, a dish of chocolate covered strawberries appearing between them. To cap the whole scene off, an invisible Frank Sinatra (& co, but who cares about them? IT'S FRANK SINATRA, BABY!) started singing softly in the background.

Ha-HA! Beat THAT, little man!

"Well," Red huffed, placing his hands on his hips, "at least she can see and TOUCH me, unlike a certain DISEMBODIED VOICE I COULD MENTION!"

Why you little-

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

Cough! Cough! What the HELL was that?

"It would seem," said Vio, disentangling disentangling himself from the rubble, "that a certain 'hot chick' doesn't like being something that can be 'dibbed.'"

A crackle of thunder followed his words in agreement with the purple-vested hero.

…Fine.

"Uh, guys? Aren't we veering just a biiiiiiiit off topic? Shouldn't we be discussing what we want as our wish, while the Narrator thinks hard about exactly how he's going to apologize for causing a huge pile of rocks to fall on Blue's head?" That was Green again, always got to be in charge.

But then, I suppose he's right.

Green: "I'm always right, and it's about time you realized that!"

Narrator: Darn, was my Mic. on?

Green: "Yep!"

Narrator: Oh, shut up!

Green: "Hee!"

Narrator: Ugh, you sound so gay.

Green: "NO FANSERVICE!"

Red: "RED!"

"BACK TO THE POINT!" Vio roared. And when Vio roars, people listen. "I'm getting tired of listening to this pointless banter! And I'm pretty sure that that Author is getting peeved at us! Remember, this is all a big delay in his plot, AND he has to type all this! Green, Red, you and I will start thinking about our wish. Narrator, as amusing as it would be to listen to you struggle for an adequate apology for starting all this, I must insist that you NOT. That would only lead to more foolishness. I will accept Blue's healing as an adequate apology."

Meep! Yes sir, Mr. Vio, sir! Abra Kadabra, ALAKAZAM! By the power of Aura! A glowing light surrounded the fallen Hero, and his injuries began to seal themselves as the blood slid off his body and melted into the ground.

Okay, Blue, wake up! Waaaaake...uuuuuup!

…

Hmm... ooh! I know what to do!

Ahem.

HEY LOOK LISTEN WATCH OUT HEY LOOK LI-

"NOOOOOO!" Blue screamed at the top of his lungs, startling the heroes. He jerked upright, staring around wildly. "Get away! Pest control! HELP! Oh, where's a flyswatter when you need one?"

Green chuckled. "Glad to have you back, buddy."

Blue panted, still looking around frantically. "It's not here? The little she-demon's gone?"

Green nodded. "Yep."

Red threw himself at Blue, blubbering. "BLUE! I'm-so-glad-you're-okay-oh my-goddesses-you-scared-me-I-thought-you-were-dead-and-now-you're-okay-and-I'm-just-so-happy-and-"

"RED! Gi-off me!" Blue kicked him off, and checked his ribs to make sure that Red hadn't cracked them, as he'd been known to do. His hugs were deadly.

Vio sighed, kneading his forehead with his knuckles. "Red, do you remember that little talk we had about personal space?"

Red sniffed, tears still lingering in his blue eyes. "I'm sorry, I was just so scared!"

"Yeah. I get that," Blue said, wincing. He chuckled weakly and wiped some sweat from his brow. "Whew," he said, "I'm really glad that bug isn't here! That NaviDance song on YouTube is the backing track to all my nightmares..."

"Blue..." Vio frowned down at him, but he was ignored.

"Tell me about it!" Green sat himself down beside him. "I don't know how the Hero of Time lasted so long with her!"

"Green, I think you should stop now..." Vio warned him, looking nervously at the sky, but this comment too went unnoticed.

"I know, right? And I mean, he went looking for her after the end of Ocarina of Time- I mean, his defeat of Ganon- aw, heck with it, the Fourth Wall's already in pieces anyway. Why'd he search her out! Count your blessings, I say!"

"Guys, watch what you say!" Vio was talking loudly now, but Blue just waved him off.

"Good riddance, that's what I thought when I saw her fly away. She's the most ANNOYING thing EVAH, with her annoying call of 'HEY! LISTEN!' And I don't WANT to listen, because she's trying to tell me that I'm not going the right way to the Forest Temple, and I'm like I'm in the frickin' Gerudo Desert! You mean I'm going the wrong way? Really? Gee, Navi, ya think?"

"GUYS, SHUT UP!" Vio's scream startled the two heroes out of their Navi-hated rant, but it was too late.

The stage- excuse me, land- shook as the volcano trembled and blasted fire from deep within its core into the air around them. The heroes screamed and scattered, diving for cover, desperately trying to hide under large boulders. Anything to get away from the volcano's wrath. Fire blasted into the earth beside them, searing their hands and burning their feet. Blue's hat caught on fire and he wrenched it off, patting it down desperately. Eventually the bombing ceased, and the heroes looked around. Words were seared into the earth by the streaks of fire, and the heroes had to turn around a few times to see what they said.

Red clambered on top of a boulder to get a better look at the message. "It says; Navi was awesomely sweet for the Hero of Time. Next time, I won't miss. Sincerely, The Author." He paused. "Duh."

Green folded his arms. "What do you mean, 'duh?'"

Red looked round at him, grinning weakly. "No, it actually says, 'duh.'"

Vio rolled his eyes. "Well who else COULD it be from?"

Okay, for our own safety, I think we should nix the Navi-bashing. As fun as it is, I like living.

"Awww!" Red started whining, disappointed, "there's so much humor there!"

Everyone stared at him, surprised.

Green looked at first him, then Vio, then back again, bemused. "I thought you loved Navi? You two were having so much fun last week, when we visited the Author!"

Blue grimaced. "I thought we all agreed to never speak of those times again..."

Red nodded. "Yeah, I love Navi."

Green started to speak, then stopped. He tried again. "Huh?"

Red shrugged. "I love Navi personally, but this is a humor fic. We make fun of everything. Everything. If it's funny (and semi-appropriate), we're right there. And there's so much potential for comedy with her."

Vio raised both his eyebrows. He showed emotion. Rare, that. "That's surprisingly well thought out, Red. I'm impressed. And a little worried, are you feeling okay?"

Red looked at him. "I feel great! Why?" He noticed Green staring at him too. "What? Do I have something on my face?" His hands flew up to cover his nose. "There's a booger, I know it!"

Green stepped forward. "Red..."

Red staggered back, hiding his face. "No! Bill, don't look at me! I'm 'ideous!"

Green stopped. "Bill?"

Vio rolled his eyes. "Harry Potter reference."

"Ah." Green turned to Red. "So you're saying you have no memory of ranting just now?"

Red stopped frantically wiping his face and looked up. "What? About the boogers?"

"I'll take that as a 'no.'"

Vio frowned, thinking. After a few quiet minutes, Red pulled out a lightbulb and held it over his head.

Wait, isn't this set in medieval times?

Red shrugged. "A little late to be worrying about the Fourth Wall, isn't it?" And having said that, he lifted his right hand and clicked the bulb on.

"Ah-ha!" Vio cried, punching his hand. "I've got it!"

"What? Got what? My booger?"

"Red," Green said quietly, "stop with the booger thing. We've moved on."

"Sorry."

"A-HEM!" Vio glared at them. "I just had a classic 'aha!' moment, and you're all talking about nose drippings?"

Green and Red stared shamefully at their shoes. "Sorry, Vio," they chorused together.

"ANYWAY, I believe the Author was using you, Red, to rant. In this case, he was saying that he would bash on anyone and anything if it was funny. And Navi was funny. His intervention was funny. You were his conduit, if you will, a way to tell us this in a way much less intrusive than fire blazing forth from the heavens."

Red pointed to himself. "Me? A conduit for the Author?"

Vio nodded sagely. "Yes. It's quite an honor, actually. But don't worry," he added, seeing Red's panicked expression, "it won't happen very often. And he does it with all of us anyway, just to a lesser degree. He will be literally be speaking through you. Besides, if it really bothers you, don't worry. He'll probably forget about it until he writes himself into a corner later on in the story."

Methinks I smell a foreshadowing...

"So... I'm like a prophet?"

"I suppose so. If you want to think of it that way."

Red stopped to consider this. After a few seconds, he asked, "do I get to ride around on a golden flaming chariot and make lots of money?"

Vio coughed. "Ah, no. I'm afraid not."

"Oh." Red looked disappointed. "What's it good for, if not for getting the three basic necessities of life? I WANT A REFUND!"

Green tilted his head. "And what are the three basic necessities of life? Remember Red, keep it PG!"

"Isn't it obvious?" Red looked at Green as if he had three heads. "An epicly sweet ride, endless amounts of Chinese Food, and all the old Marvel and DC comics ever made. Before they got icky and confusing. What did you think I'd say?"

"Oh, nothing." Green sighed, relieved. "I was sure you would say 'food, sleep, and-"

"GREEN!" Vio tossed a Bob-omb into his mouth to shut him up before he killed the rating.

Tick...

Blue turned to Vio. "Wait, aren't those things Mario territory? Is this a Crossover now?"

Ticktocktick...

"Hm?" Vio didn't look away from Green's frantic efforts to dislodge the bob-omb that was rapidly counting down to detonation. "Oh, no, it's just what I had in my hand at the time."

Tickitytockitytickitytockity...

Red looked at Vio's hands. He had been looking at those hands just a minute before, and he was pretty sure there hadn't been a Bob-omb there... right? Or was there... this hurt his brain...

TiktoktiktoktiktoktiktokBOOM!

A soot-blackened Green stood in the middle of a cloud of smoke, his now frizzily black hair standing on end, frozen. He stood there for a few seconds, then keeled over.

Blue looked down at Green's fallen form. "Hm. I should be concerned, but... I really just want to finish up this conversation and get on with the story."

Vio nodded. "I'm with you there, buddy. So, what's left in this topic?"

Red frowned. "Hmm... oh! I know! How on EARTH did you get a Mario prop?"

Vio fidgeted shiftily, looking at the dirt on his boots. "I don't want to talk about it..." he mumbled.

"But," Blue persisted doggedly, "we're LEGEND OF ZELDA! Why would you be ANYWHERE near," he spat the next word, "Mario's set?"

Vio mumbled something about it not being any of Blue's business.

"Were you sneaking around there, sabotaging them? I hear they're making a new 'Galaxy II' game, is that why?"

At the mention of 'Galaxy II,' Vio began to do the unthinkable. He blushed.

Blue began to grin, "or... was it to see someone?"

Vio's blush deepened. "It...it is of none of your concern, Blue."

Red squealed. "It is, isn't it! Who is she, Vio? It isn't," he gasped, "PEACH, is it?"

Blue gagged. "Red, don't say that! Vio would never-"

He stopped, and turned towards Vio. "You wouldn't, would you? 'Cause I gotta tell ya, man, that's just wrong."

"Yeah, Vio! Mario'll KILL you!"

For the first time since the Mario Set was brought up, Vio scoffed. "Please. I'd like to see him try. He can, what, jump? Over and over again? I have a sword, a shield, the Triforce of Courage, a bow and quiver full of arrows, and three teammates who all have different items. I'd like to see him try to hurt me."

"Not like that, dude, he'd ruin you!" Blue shook Vio's shoulders. "He's got a massive fan following, and he's the Nintendo mascot! Besides, Peach?" He made a face. "Stupid little bi-oitch..."

Vio shook him off. "It is irrelevant."

Blue looked like he was about to explode. "OF COURSE IT'S RELEVANT!"

"No," Vio cut him off calmly, "it's irrelevant because it's not Peach."

Blue stopped mid-scream. "Oh."

Red shook his head, confused. "Well, then, if it's not Peach, then who is it? There aren't too many females on the 'Galaxy' set, unless it's a crew member-" he stopped, and glared at Vio. "It isn't a crew member, is it? Because you know the rule on CC X OC relationships!"

"I know, I know, they can't happen." Vio rolled his eyes and began to recite in a learned-by-heart textbook voice. In other words, his normal voice (inspired by his secret crush: Hermione [shhh!]). "Canon Characters must not, under any circumstances, be in a romantic story-long relationship with an OC. Except in extraordinary cases."

"Name one."

"Easy. Sacred Hearts and Fallen Angels."

"Aww," Red sighed softly, "that story's so cute..."

"My point exactly."

Blue glared at Vio. "No. OC. Hookups."

"She isn't an OC, don't worry." Vio assured them, looking uncomfortable.

"Well, then, who-"

I think we've had enough of this now. Blue, unless you want to be the unfortunate victim of yet another (completely random) geological phenomenon, I suggest you shut up.

Blue and Red stopped interrogating Vio (much to the hero's relief) at this, and shut their traps long enough to listen (shocker, I know). Blue in particular straightened, wincing as he massaged his head. He didn't want to go through that anytime soon.

Listen, guys, we're just wasting time here! Now, I'm not going to heal Green, because I was only supposed to do one healing, but I can switch his state with someone else's. Something tells me you want your leader with you when you decide what you want your wish to be. You need to choose someone to switch places with Green.

Vio stepped forward. "I nominate Blue."

Before the blue hero had time to blink, he was on the ground unconscious, and Green was standing upright, looking very confused.

"Wha?"

Vio shushed him. "Don't start."

Now that I have your attention, have y'all decided on your wish yet? Everyone looked to Vio, who, after all, was the most qualified to decide what great treasure would be granted to the party.

Vio stepped forward calmly. "Yes, I believe I have."

Well?

"I suppose it would be too much to ask for something that would immediately analyze every opponent we came across?"

Yep. That would make the Boss Battles waaaay too easy.

"I thought as much." Vio said bitterly. "Well then, I'm going to have to throw caution to the winds, and trust the power of the wish."

You lost me.

Vio raised his arms to the heavens, and cried out in a loud voice, "I wish for something that has enormous power to aid us on our quest, but would still provide enough material for the Author to work with without getting bored!"

DO YOU ACCEPT THE CONSEQUENCES OF THIS WISH?

"Cool voice!"

Thanks Red! It's my professional, awe inspiring POWER voice (not to be confused with the Author's voice. If it confuses your tiny minds, this is bold. His is bold and underlined. At the same time, which I can't do because he'd kill me). Ahem.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WHATEVER COMES ABOUT BECAUSE OF THIS WISH IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY? ONCE THIS WISH IS MADE, IT CANNOT BE UNDONE. DO YOU ACCEPT THESE TERMS?

"We do!" Vio stated firmly.

Green nodded, determined that they could handle whatever was about to happen.

Red cowered. Something bad was going to happen. He could feel it.

VERY WELL! BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME…

Light began to swirl around a point in space…

BY THE SUPREME POWER OF THE SUPER-AWESOME-AUTHOR-DUDE…

(Hey, don't look at me like that. It's in my contract! Sheesh!)

I GRANT TO YOU, THE FOUR WHO ARE ONE…

"Ugh, so dramatic!"

"Can it!"

The light began to coalesce into a form, but what it was, the Heroes couldn't tell.

…YOUR WISH!

The light flared, and the Heroes threw their hands in front of their eyes to protect them from the blinding light. When it faded, they warily lowered their hands to see a breathtaking sight.

-END OF CHAPTER ONE-

Me: Hee guiz! Whassup? Did you liiiiiiike?

Vio: -_-;

Blue: Earth to Author? Hello?

Me: Huuuu!

Blue: Smack! Get it together, A-hole!

Me: Aholay? Who's aholay?

Vio: -_-;

Red: Ooh, can I be Aholay? Can I Blue? Can I? Can I? Pweeeeease?

Blue: NO! Smack! Bring on the Author's Notes!

Me: Okay, okay! At the risk of being hit again, I welcome you, the reader, to the first installment of Cliches. This has been something I've been working on for a while now (don't worry. I don't ditch my stories), and I finally feel that it's ready for publishing!

Blue: *eyeroll* Translation: his girlfriend threatened him that if he didn't get his lazy arse on the couch and upload this story she would sneak into his room at night and leave hickeys all over his face.

Red: Ooh, sounds yummy! I want a hickey! Can I have I hickey, Blue, can I? Pweeeease?

Blue: O.O

Vio: -_-;

Blue: Anger. Where's Green?

Me: I'm too lazy to write him in...

Blue: ...

Vio: -_-;

Blue: Is that all you do?

Vio: -_-;

Me: ...Vio?

Vio: -_-;

Blue: Um, what's wrong with Vio?

Me: All will be made clear... in time... *cough cough foreshadowing cough cough*

Blue: Ohhhh, someone's over at the Mario Galaxy set? Making the stars shine a little brighter, eh? *nudge* Eh? *eyebrow waggle*

Red: Nobody can waggle their eyebrows like you, Blue!

Blue: Awww, thanks!

Green: NO FANSERVICE! D8 Slash! Slash! BOOOOM!

Girlfriend: Slash? Did someone say slash? I'm there, baby! w00t!

Me: SHH! You're not in the story yet! Shoo! Get out, shoo!

Girlfriend: Sheesh, so pushy! But that's okay. I like it when you're pushy *eyebrow waggle*

Me: Methinks it's time to end this Author's Notes...

Red: Not as good as Blue's waggler! *cough review cough*

Girlfriend: Awwww... so cute... *cough review cough*

Blue: SHUT UP! He's mine... mwa-hahaha... wait, what? *cough review cough*

Girlfriend: :P Hooray for hacking! *cough review cough*

Me: END AUTHOR'S NOTES! END AUTHOR'S NOTES! *cough review cough*