It was raining again. It had rained almost every single day since I broke it off with Eli. The dreary weather seemed to be sneering at me, putting a damper on the spring sunshine I so desperately wanted and only furthering my misery.

Mom didn't see what the big deal was.

"You broke up with him, Clare," she had told me when I returned from the dance in tears. "If you wanted to be free, why are you so upset?"

I had been asking myself the same question every day since.

I stared out the window despondently, completely ignoring the tremendous pile of homework to my right. There was no way I could focus on the intricate formulas of algebra, the history of the French Language or the essay on Lord of the Lies for Mrs. Dawes. I had more important things to think about.

I had tried to work on the essay earlier, but all I could think about was sitting in front of Eli in English while Mrs. Dawes handed out the assignments, going crazy wondering if he was looking at me or not. I knew that at lunch my eyes never left the back of his head.

Gosh, I was such a creep. I broke up with the boy for a reason. He was intense, and lately very scary. He drove his car into a freaking wall, destroying it, just because of some flippant comment I made when I was angry. I was only fifteen, not near old enough to be dealing with all the stuff. But for some reason, I couldn't get the raven-haired, green-eyed boy out of my mind.

I knew why, though. I still loved him. Passionately.

He showed me with most patient, tender and exciting love I had ever known. He was my stability throughout my parents divorce and crisis of faith. He was my snarky, sarcastic, book-loving, incredibly tolerant and loveable boyfriend. Eli was my everything. I threw away the love of a lifetime because I got scared.

When Fitz came back and he got all possessive and intense, I pulled back. Not because I didn't love him, but because I wanted normal. I needed normal. The emotional stress of my parents' divorce, which was never supposed to happen, was killing me.

Then everything with that stupid story…and I knew I needed a break from. He wasn't my solace anymore. I thought he would understand that…that we had put too much into each other and needed some time apart. I had every intention of returning to his arms after a week or so, until the phone call that doomed Morty.

Seeing Eli in the hospital, and knowing that I had indirectly put him there…I just couldn't anymore. I knew that he had some sort of issues, because of his hoarding…but purposefully crashing his car, and seeing it as a sign of affection was too much for me. I was overwhelmed by the about of help I saw he needed.

So I ran away.

I'm not proud of how I acted. He needed me, and I bolted. He was there for me in my darkest hour, and I abandoned him in his.

A roll of thunder shook me from my thoughts. I sighed and walked away from my window and out into the hallway, looking for my mom.

"Mom?" No answer, so I tried again a little bit louder, "Mom!"

"What?" her slightly miffed voice drifted up the stairs.

"Alli just texted. Could you drive me to the Dot?"

Alli had in fact not texted. I just needed to get out of my room, out of my house…away from my problems.

"Can I go?" I asked, grabbing my purse and propelling myself down the stairs.

"Sure, Clare. Homework done?"

"Yes," I lied.

She raised an eyebrow.

"Alli is going to help me with my Algebra," I said, kind of flustered.

"Where's your book?"

"I don't need it; she's bringing her notes to go over the concepts with me."

Mom let out a great sigh. I knew she didn't quite believe me about the homework thing, but I had been so mopey lately, I knew she wanted me out of the house just as much as I wanted to leave.

"Okay, just text me when you're done, okay? I have a few things I have to take care of at the church later, around four actually. Can you two be done by four?" Mom asked, walking back into the kitchen to grab her purse.

I followed her. "Yeah, it shouldn't be too long, I'm not that dumb. Hey, Mom," I asked, noticing the giant plastic sheets draped over the table and missing handles on all the cabinets. "What's up with all of this?"

"Oh," she waved vaguely with her hands, dismissing my question. "Glen is doing a little work for free, a favor for an old friend. Isn't that sweet?"

"Yeah, "I responded, suddenly feeling very uneasy. "Uh, Mom. How long is this facelift going to take?"

"Oh, maybe two weeks, three tops. Why do you ask?" She checked herself in the mirror and fluffed her hair.

"No reason," I mumbled.

"Don't worry, darling," she smiled as she opened the back door. "Jake'll be around plenty."

Jake. Ugh! JAKE.

He was all I could think about on the drive to the Dot. I had hated him when I was little. He pulled my pigtails, slapped me instead of tagging me during tag, and threw dead frogs at me when my family visited his at the cabin all those years ago.

I had never expected him to be in my life again, or fill out so nicely…or kiss me. Gosh, that kiss. I thought about it just as much as I pined for Eli. Jake's kiss, it hadn't been unwelcome, but I hadn't really wanted it either. It was nice, his lips were soft and gentle…and I knew I should be happy that I was getting some sort of affection. But, he wasn't my Eli. He wasn't what I wanted.

With Eli, whenever our lips would meet, as incredibly cheesy as it sounds, there would be fireworks. My stomach would churn and erupt with crazy butterflies; Eli's kisses set me on fire.

That night, after I saw Eli at Above the Dot, after I lost it at his comatose state (why couldn't he have been like that when we were together? Oh right, no meds) Jake dragged me home, and took advantage of my vulnerable state. I think he thought he was helping me, but his kiss only further confused me.

Mom pulled up at the curb and unlocked the doors.

"I don't see Alli," she said, craning her neck to look inside.

"Yeah, Sav is bringing her," I said. "She'll be here soon. Love you!"

I hopped out of the car and raced to the door before she could say anything else.

The Dot was my safe haven as of late. Yes, Fitz worked here, but I had learned his schedule and knew the times to avoid.

"Clare," the man behind the counter said. "Pink lemonade and a brownie?"

I felt my face flush. He knew my name and what I wanted. Did I really come here that often?

"Yes, that'd be great, thanks."

I pulled out a couple dollars and laid them on the counter, smiling meekly again when he handed me my order. I turned to find a spot to sit, when I saw him.

Eli.

He was crouched in the corner booth, hunched over a notebook. He looked rather flustered and kept shaking his head and crossing things out in aggravation. My heart warmed a little. He had always been so fond of his writing. I briefly wondered what he was working on so intently until I realized where he was sitting.

Our booth. The secluded oasis in which we had spent hours, reading, laughing, and sharing snacks and sweet kisses. Eli still chose to sit there. I bit my lip in frustration and looked at the food in my hands. I thought about throwing it away but my stomach rumbled in protest.

I sank down onto one of the bar stools and hoped he wouldn't notice me. My current state of depression didn't exactly do much for my physical appearance.

I nibbled my brownie and sipped my lemonade, letting the minutes tick by. I glanced at the window and noticed the downpour had slowed to a dribble. It was probably best for me to leave. Seeing Eli here, seemingly unaffected by everything that had happened, happy almost, as he worked on his writing, only made me hurt more.

"Time to go," I whispered to myself and stood to leave.

"Oof," a warm body mumbled, colliding with me and sending me tumbling to the ground. "What the hell?"

"Watch where you're going," I snapped.

"Clare, wow. I'm sorry."

I knew that voice.

"Eli," I gasped, my voice betraying my desire to stay calm.

"You know, when girls fall for me, it's not usually in the literal sense," he smirked, winking down at me.

I blushed, but then my face crumpled in confusion.

"You seem…" I began.

"Better? Yeah, I finally got the dosage worked out on my meds. Adam mentioned your little meltdown to Cece and she thought it'd be better if I'm able to retain some feeling." He offered his hand.

I took it and pulled myself up.

"Thanks," I muttered, trying to pull my hand away before I let myself get lost in his skin on mine once more.

Eli didn't let go.

"Clare," he began, squeezing my fingers. "Are you okay?"

"Eli, why wouldn't I be?" I scoffed

"It's just the other night," Eli started, but I didn't let him finish.

"I'm fine, Eli," I said a little too quickly, wondering where this sudden concern for my well-being was coming from. "I think I deserved to have a little bit of a temper tantrum. Though none I could ever throw could top yours." That was a low-blow, and I knew it. I was just embarrassed by my behavior and wanted to justify it.

His green eyes flashed and he let go of my hand.

"Okay, then."

"Bye," I whispered and fled.

Just my luck. As soon as I threw open the door to the Dot, the heavens opened and the rain gushed down. I ran as quickly as I could, wanting to leave Eli and the confusion he caused me far behind. I made it a few blocks before I rounded a corner too quickly and my feet gave way, tossing me onto the unforgiving pavement and ripping my pants. I rolled over and hit my fist on the ground in frustration.

"SHIT!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

This was just not my day.