BEAT DOWN BUTTERS
BY SHADOWGATE
I don't own South Park. Matt Stone, Trey Parker, and Comedy Central own it.
THE FOLLOWING FAN FICTION IS RATED 'M' FOR VIOLENCE, PROFANITY, AND IT MAY NOT BE APPROPRIATE IF YOU'RE SENSITIVE ABOUT BUTTERS.
CONTAINS STRONG FRIENDSHIP BUT NO SLASH
It was just another ordinary day at school. At 3PM Butters found a note taped to his locker.
"Hmm" Butters thought
Dear Butters
I'd like to see you in private in the boy's bathroom. You know me just come see me in the boy's bathroom right after school.
Your secret admirer
"Oh boy!" Butters exclaimed out loud.
Butters stuffed the note in his pocket and rushed to the boy's bathroom. Everyone else was heading out the doors to go home and Butters was happy about that since he'd have private time with whoever wrote the note.
"Hello" Butters asked.
Butters slowly crept into the boy's bathroom and looked around. He couldn't see anyone so he moved toward the stalls.
"Well what's going on?" Butters asked out loud.
ALL OF THE SUDDEN THE LIGHTS WENT OUT.
"AHHHH" Butters was startled.
"You're dead!" A voice came out of nowhere.
WHAM
"My knees!" yelled Butters
BUTTERS WAS THEN PUNCHED IN THE FACE AND HE FELL OVER. HIS ATTACKER GRABBED HIS HEAD AND SLAMMED HIS HEAD HARD AGAINST THE FLOOR.
"Bastard!" the attacker screamed
THE ATTACKER KICKED BUTTERS IN HIS RIBS AND TWISTED HIS ARM. THEN HE THREW BUTTERS AGAINST THE WALL LEAVING HIM UNCONSCIOUS.
Over at Stan's house Kenny was enjoying pie and Stan turned on Terrance and Phillip.
"Oh good it's a new episode." Stan commented.
As they watch their favorite characters fart the phone rings.
"Hello" Stan said into the phone receiver. Cartman was on the other line and told him Butters was beaten in the bathroom and Principal Victoria and Mr. Mackey were calling parents and Officer Barbrady too.
"Hello!" Stan said.
Laughing was heard so loud and Stan got annoyed. Stan asked "who the fuck is this?"
Cartman replied "hey Stan Butters got his ass beaten so fucking badly."
Stan said "Cartman what the fuck did you do?"
Cartman shot back "it wasn't me but somebody just hauled off and whooped Butters."
Stan said "well how bad was he hurt?"
Cartman answered "well the janitor spent 15 minutes cleaning up blood in the bathroom."
Stan got suspicious and asked "Cartman are you making shit up?"
Cartman started laughing and hung up.
Kenny asked who it was and Stan said "it's Cartman that stupid motherfucker."
Kenny and Stan continue watching Terrance and Phillip.
"Holy shit" Stan yelled as he fell off the couch laughing. He couldn't believe Phillip just shit all over Terrance. After five minutes of hard laughter the doorbell rang.
Kenny asked if he needed to get the doorbell and Stan told him to. When Kenny opened the door Kyle barged in and yelled "hide me."
Stan grabbed Kyle just before he could jump behind the couch and asked "what the hell is going on now?"
Kyle had blood on his jacket and had to admit he kicked the crap out of Butters in the fucking bathroom.
Kenny was shocked and said "whoa Cartman wasn't lying after all."
Stan reiterated "I got a phone call from Cartman and he told me that Butters was attacked in the bathroom after school."
Kyle said "I did it. I wrote a note telling him I was his secret admirer and to meet me in the bathroom after school and when he did I jumped his ass from behind."
Kenny laughed and said "SECRET ADMIRER!"
Stan cut him off and said "Kenny this shit isn't funny I heard that the janitor spent 15 minutes cleaning up blood."
Kyle said "maybe so because I whooped him."
Stan was shocked.
He had to ask why and Kyle explained "well remember when Cartman had him over to spend the night and I tired to warn him? Butters told me off. Remember when that fucking fake list came out that said I was the ugliest? Butters really laughed out loud. Butters helped Cartman climb into my room to infect me with the HIV virus which could have been a death sentence."
Stan had to stop Kyle and tell him to calm down.
ALL OF THE SUDDEN POLICE LIGHTS FLASHED THROUGH STAN'S WINDOW.
Kyle was taken to juvenile hall.
EVIDENCE
The note with two sets of fingerprints. Kyle's and Butters
Blood on Kyle's jacket.
Sworn statements from Stan and Kenny.
Kyle confessed to the whole Goddamn thing.
Of course the problems for Butters didn't end there.
Butters just returned from his pediatrician's office and when he entered his home Stephen was pissed and went on a rampage.
"BUTTERS THE MOTHERFUCKING JANITOR HAD TO CLEAN YOUR BLOOD UP FROM THE BATHROOM. WHAT WAS YOUR GODDAMN BLOOD DOING ALL OVER THE FUCKING BATHROOM? SHIT BUTTERS EVERY GODDAMN TIME I TURN AROUND I HAVE TO GROUND YOU OR GET ON YOUR ASS FOR SOMETHING. WHY CAN'T YOU BE A FUCKING GOOD CHILD? YOU JUST PLAIN SUCK BUTTERS! YOU SUCK AND YOU'RE WORTHLESS. GODDAMN WE SHOULD GET YOUR MOTHER'S TUBES TIED SO SHE CAN'T REPRODUCE AGAIN. IT SUCKS TO HAVE A KID WHO'S AS SHITTY AS YOU ARE."
The next day in school Cartman was gloating. He walked up to Stan and said "looks like Kyle went from Jew boy to jailbird."
Stan got pissed and said "Cartman it's so Goddamn obvious you're no friend of Kyle whatsoever. He's in juvenile hall because he had so much hostility built up in him."
Cartman laughed but Stan grabbed him and said "shut the fuck up or I'll beat your ass down right here. You don't give a fuck about Kyle. You didn't care to give him a kidney to save his life. You gave him aids. You fucking fat degenerate slob."
Stan threw Cartman against the lockers. Cartman ended up pissing his pants and ran to the principal's office crying.
Inside the classroom Mister Garrison was giving a lecture on William Bradford Bishop when Principal Victoria got on the intercom and called Stan to the office.
When Stan walked in he said "yes Principal Victoria."
Principal Victoria asked Stan why he attacked Cartman.
Stan became aggravated but tried to stay calm and said "Cartman made fun of the fact that Kyle's in juvenile hall."
Cartman broke down and said "Stan I'm sorry I shouldn't have."
Stan turned to Cartman and asked if he was really sorry and why the hell he was standing behind a curtain.
Cartman said "remember you made me pee in my pants?" Cartman began crying loud.
"His mom is bringing him new clothes and as for you young man I'm afraid I'll have to give you detention" the principal stated.
Stan told the principal that he understood why he got detention and after Cartman's mom brought him a new pair of clothes Stan dragged Cartman by his ear back to class and screamed at him.
"WE HAVE MAJOR FUCKING DISASTERS IN THIS SCHOOL AND NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN YOU'RE THE CAUSE. KYLE IS IN JUVENILE HALL AND YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL WHAT THAT IS LIKE. YOU GAVE KYLE AIDS YOU REFUSED TO GIVE HIM A KIDNEY VOLUNTARILY. GODDAMN NOBODY IN THIS WHOLE GODDDAMN SCHOOL THINKS YOU'RE COOL. WE DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE COOL BEFORE MY GIRLFRIEND WHOOPED YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ASS ON THE PLAYGROUND AND WE DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE COOL AFTER THAT. YOUR MOM HAD TO BRING YOU A NEW PAIR OF CLOTHES BECAUSE YOU PISSED YOURSELF. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MAKING BAD STATEMENTS ABOUT PEOPLE THAT ARE TRUE EVEN IF THEY'RE OFFENSIVE AND TALKING SHIT. YOU JUST PLAIN TALK SHIT. HOW DO YOU FEEL RIGHT NOW? DOES YOUR EAR HURT?"
Cartman nodded that his ear hurt.
Stan demanded that when they got back to class he apologize to Wendy for making lewd jokes about breast cancer. Cartman did exactly that in front of the whole class.
Before class ended Mister Garrison told them their homework was to write about all the sexual encounters Elton John had in the past ten years. When Stan got home he was in a fucking shitty mood like never before.
"Mom" he yelled "why the hell is it so hot in here?"
Sharon Marsh became agitated and yelled "Stanly go to your room."
Stan pounded the wall as he stomped up to his room.
"Fuck" he yelled as he threw his math book down and drifted off to sleep.
In juvenile hall the school session ended and all the inmates were ordered back into their cells. Apparently Kyle got some new cell mates.
Kyle was sitting in his bed and his new cell mate asked "what the fuck is that? With hair like that you look like a fucking Jew."
Kyle replied that he was Jewish and three bald kids began beating him and calling him Kike until they broke his ribs. Kyle's heart and lungs were so badly injured he collapsed.
SUDDENLY STAN WOKE UP!
"Fuck" he yelled it was just a dream.
Sharon came in and snapped at Stan for cussing. Stan had to ask "mom can I visit Kyle in juvenile hall?"
Sharon explained that only the juvenile's parents could visit on weekends.
Stan told her he had a nightmare that Kyle was killed and he broke down crying in his mother's arms.
When Stan woke up the next morning he felt like a fucking pussy. His best friend was in juvenile hall and he cried in his mom's arms over a fucking nightmare.
Randy got word of it and although Stan is smart his dad was never bright. So when Randy asked Stan about crying that night Stan just stared at his dad with sheer anger in his eyes.
At school in the gym Mister Garret had them playing basketball and Stan tripped over Craig and had an asthma attack.
Craig yelled "Goddamn it I think Stan lost his fucking mind."
Butters said "no only Kyle and my dad went crazy this week. I hope Stan doesn't lose his marbles because I don't want another ass whooping."
Craig began to laugh and Butters got pissed off.
Butters began yapping "It's not funny Craig how would you like it if someone set you up then knocked you down from behind and then beat you until you bled? Then when I got home my dad yanked down my pants and spread my butt cheeks and started beating my ass because he felt bad for the janitor who had to clean up my blood."
Craig started laughing and said "butt cheeks."
Butters stormed off.
When Sharon came up to school to get Stan she said "oh my baby are you alright?"
Stan replied "yes mom I just had to catch my breath."
Next thing Stan knew he was in Hell's Pass Hospital and Doctor Doctor was examining him with a stethoscope.
"That's cold" Stan whined.
The doctor asked him to breathe a couple of times then said "you know Stan your mom tells me you're going through a rough time right now. Your significant other is in juvenile hall."
Stan was angered and said "he's not my boyfriend he's my best friend. What on earth made you think we're gay?"
The doctor replied "well your mom said you two are close."
Stan just stated for the record "well yes but I don't stick it in his ass every night."
The doctor went on to say "your mom also says you've had some incredibly bad gas lately."
Stan clenched and said "I've been under heavy stress and I cut one really loud this morning. Luckily it was right in my sister's face."
After a visit to the hospital and getting a new asthma inhaler Stan lied on the couch and began watching Terrance and Phillip.
Stan yelled "mom the dog just ate my second hamburger."
Sharon barged in angrily and said "Stan I'm not waiting on you hand and foot."
Stan belches.
Sharon gets irritated and says "you're going to school tomorrow and I hope they pile a ton of make up work on you."
When Stan's mom turns her back he flips her off then goes up to his room and listens to the new Metallica album.
Stan sings along to "Unforgiven 3"
"How could he know this new dawn's light would change his life forever? Set sail to sea but pulled off course by the light of golden treasure."
The next day at school Stan got a few surprises. Butters came up and asked when Kyle was getting out. Stan could only answer "well in about three weeks he's up for a probation hearing and don't worry probation is strict and I will not allow Kyle to attack you like that again."
Butters said "I just want to know why he did it."
Stan told him "you helped Cartman infect him with aids Goddamn it."
Butters then said "well Cartman made it sound like Kyle deserved it."
Stan told Butters it was a bad idea to get involved in the on going battles that Kyle and Cartman had and Kyle laughed at Cartman for having aids which pissed off Cartman.
Butters asked "why would Kyle laugh at Cartman for having aids? That's so horrible."
Stan explained that Cartman did horrible things as well as horrible things in general and spent 15 minutes going over 25 of them.
Butters was in shock but then asked "well I did help Cartman do something terrible so do you think Kyle was right to kick my ass?"
Stan said "I think he should have kicked your ass on the playground after he beat up Cartman but Mr. Mackey interfered before he could."
Butters walked off and soon Stan was bumped into by Craig.
"Damn it" Craig shouted then went on to say "well you keep tripping over me."
Stan said "you bumped into me asshole."
Craig got pissed off and said "well shit you rammed into me in gym yesterday."
Stan started to clench "well I had a fucking asthma attack."
As the boys stared at each other angrily Craig started to calm down and said "I'm sorry dude and I hope Kyle is doing okay in juvenile hall. I don't like you or Kyle that much but I'm sorry he was locked up in kiddy jail."
Stan looked at Craig and said "Craig you're alright."
Both boys walked off but just before Stan entered class Bridon Guermo stopped to talk.
Bridon said "Stan hey I want to thank you."
Stan turned his head in shock and asked "for what?"
Bridon explained "you stood by me and helped me with a rough time. I know that now you're going through a rough time."
Stan nearly fell to his knees to see Bridon come back and thank him for getting him on the basketball team and encouraging him to stand up to his father.
Stan stated "yes my best friend is in juvenile hall and my parents are being total dicks."
Stan stood still and Bridon could see the stress was overwhelming him.
Bridon said "hey" and put his arm around Stan.
Bridon asked "does your dad wear pantyhose?"
Stan answered "no."
Bridon said "look on the bright side because my dad does."
Both boys fell on their knees laughing.
After Stan and Bridon got finished complementing each other they were off to class.
Mister Garrison rambled on about Betty Davis and Stan thought the day would never end.
A FEW WEEKS LATER
KYLE IS IN COURT FOR A PROBATION HEARING. THE JUDGE WAS NOT THRILLED ABOUT THE BRUTAL CRIME OR THE FACT THAT KYLE TRIED TO BURN DOWN THE SCHOOL NOT LONG AGO. IN SPITE OF THAT HE WAS STILL PUT ON PROBATION FOR SIX MONTHS.
WHEN STAN GOT THE BIG NEWS HE RUSHED TO KYLE'S HOUSE AND WENT STRAIGHT TO KYLE'S ROOM.
"Kyle!" Stan shouted.
"Oh Stan it's great to be home but I do have limits" Kyle stated.
Stan acknowledged he knew the terms of Kyle's probation. Stan also informed Kyle of Kenny's tragic demise.
"Last week Kenny was hit by a garbage truck. They rushed him to Hell's Pass Hospital but it was too late."
Kyle and Stan held each other in a moment of silence for Kenny.
"There are a few other things I must say" Stan stated as he let go of Kyle.
"Number one if you do anything to violate your probation I'll turn you in myself. I don't want to see my best friend become a career criminal like Eric Cartman."
Kyle laughed but not for long as he realized not only his own parents would turn him in for a probation violation but his very best friend was going tough on him.
"I was so angry at Butters for going along with Cartman so many times against me. But Butters isn't a horrible kid and what I did to him was very harsh" Kyle replied.
Kyle went on to say "I feel your scorn."
"Butters is pretty sissified" Stan commented.
Both boys laughed and hugged each other tight. Kyle was so glad to be home that he cried in Stan's arms.
THE NEXT DAY AT SCHOOL KYLE WAS APPROACHED BY HIS ARCH ENEMY BUT WAS SURPRISED BY WHAT WAS SAID TO HIM.
Cartman stated "Kyle this year I've learned some things that you're already aware of. Getting a deadly disease isn't funny and cheesing isn't cool. Also going to juvenile hall isn't funny. Welcome back!"
Kyle smiled at Cartman like he never thought he would.
THE BELL RANG AND EVERYONE TOOK THEIR SEATS INSIDE MISTER GARRISON'S CLASS.
Mister Garrison went on teaching "Betty Davis was a lesbian slut who had lots of sex with Marilyn Monroe."
ALL OF THE SUDDEN BUTTER'S DAD BUSTED INTO THE CLASSROOM WEARING ONLY HIS UNDERWEAR AND BEGAN YELLING.
"BUTTERS YOU LEFT THE PANTRY DISORGANIZED YOU WORTHLESS LITTLE PIECE OF FUCKING DOG SHIT. GODDAMN IT YOU'RE SO FUCKING RETARDED. YOUR MOTHER SHOULD HAVE LEFT YOU TO DIE IN A FUCKING TOILET AFTER SHE GAVE BIRTH TO YOU BECAUSE YOU WILL NEVER AMOUNT TO A GODDAMN THING. YOU'RE A WORTHLESS FUCKING LOWLIFE STUPID BASTARD. I FUCKING HATE YOU!"
AFTER YELLING AT BUTTERS MISTER STOTCH THREW OFF HIS UNDERWEAR AND CRAPPED ALL OVER THE CHALKBOARD.
The whole class was so disgusted and Mister Garrison stated "well class I can see we've all learned something today. It sucks to be Butters."
Butters broke down and cried in front of the whole class and did so for three hours straight while the entire class watched in shock.
THE END