Rating: T
Summary: He was the first person I ever got drunk with, the first person I ever confided in, the first person I ever felt close to. And somewhere along the line, my feelings for the blond changed. Somehow… I managed to fall in love with him… and it scared the shit out of me. Akuroku -ONESHOT-
Beta: Izzy-Lawliet
A/N: I decided to write a oneshot because today's the one-year-anniversary of my very first post.
Warning: Angst.
Irony of Fate
--
It all started three years ago today.
-
I was an upperclassman in high school. He was the grade below me, just transferring in from another school.
He had golden blond hair, and the most beautiful ocean blue eyes I'd ever seen. But… no one besides me seemed to take notice of him, ignoring him and not caring that he was sitting alone.
I don't know what it was- there was nothing particularly outstanding about him- but I was instantly drawn to him.
I strode toward him, acknowledging the people who called out to me, smiling pleasantly, but didn't stop until I was standing across from him.
"Is this seat taken?" I asked, gesturing to the one I was standing next to. The blond shrugged, not really looking like he cared if it was or not, so I sat. "Why are you all by yourself?" I asked. He shrugged again.
"Maybe people don't think I'm worth talking to," he said, not looking up. He was doing something but I couldn't tell what- there was a large stack of books between us. Curious, I pushed them out of the way, surprised to see that he was drawing some sort of shadow- creature. I'd never seen anything like it before.
"You're very talented," I said without thinking. The blond looked up for the first time, those blue eyes studying me before an eyebrow rose. "What?"
"You have the weirdest hair I've ever seen," he said before resuming. I blinked, surprised by his brashness.
"Maybe I'm just eccentric." The blond shrugged again.
"Maybe."
"Uh, what's your name?" I asked when the conversation became dangerously quiet.
"Roxas Strife. Yours?"
"Axel Namikiri."
"Fitting," the blond said, just before the bell rang. "Well," he said, looking up, "This has been fun and all but- I have to go," gathering his things together.
"Alright. See ya around," I called as he walked away. The blond raised a hand, acknowledging that he'd heard me before disappearing into the crowd.
--
For the next three months, I continued to sit next to him, gradually learning more about him as he slowly opened up.
"Hey Rox, the fair's in town, do you want to go with me on Saturday?" I asked at lunch, hoping he'd say yes. The blond looked down at his food for a long moment.
"Why are you doing this?" he asked quietly.
"Why am I doing what?" I asked, confused and wondering if I'd done something wrong.
"Why are you being nice to me? Why are you ignoring your friends and sitting with me? Why are you even bothering getting to know me? I'm not worth it." I opened my mouth the closed it, unsure of what to say. Maybe the truth wouldn't be so bad?
"I… don't know," I said. "Something about you drew me to you and… I don't want to stay away. I want to get close to you. I don't know why. I just do. I don't think you could even do anything to make me hate you." The blond laughed at this.
"Sounds like an abusive relationship," he said, looking up, our eyes locking. I glanced away, unsure of what to think. "Sure, I'll go to the fair with you. You can spend the night at my house if you want."
"Great," I said, smiling.
--
Friday came and I went to Roxas' house for the first time. It was average in size and well kept.
The blond introduced me to his father, a man named Cloud, shortly after we arrived and explained that his parents were divorced.
Right away, I noticed how similar they were- Roxas was like a younger version of his father. The only thing that really seemed different was their age- and that fact that Cloud was much more approachable.
The older blond smiled as he shook my hand, very happy to meet me as Roxas introduced us. I didn't think much of it and followed Roxas shortly after as he gave me a tour of his house.
--
Roxas and I went to the fair the next day and I was very glad that I'd invited him. I'd never seen him smile so much before.
The blond and I rode rides, shared fried cheesecake, found any and all free samples and then just talked as we rode the sky lift to take a break from walking.
"Is there anything else you want to do?" I asked, watching the people below us.
"I want to see the big cat show," Roxas said, eyes shining from excitement.
"Oh?"
"Yeah, I love tigers," he said, smiling at me. I smiled back.
"Alright then," I said as our ride came to an end and we walked toward the show. Surprisingly, it was very good.
--
For the remainder of my time in high school, Roxas and I continued to hang out, becoming closer and closer until we got to the point of becoming best friends.
He was the first person I ever got drunk with, the first person I ever confided in, the first person I ever felt close to. And somewhere along the line, my feelings for the blond changed.
Somehow… I managed to fall in love with him… and it scared the shit out of me.
I didn't know what to do… what to say… his orientation… nothing, besides the fact that he was pretty open. And for the longest time, I decided not to say anything.
I decided that it'd be better not to ruin our relationship.
--
"Rox?" I asked one day when we were hanging out.
"Yeah, Axe?"
"How would you feel if I died?"
"… you're not suicidal, are you…?"
"No," I said, shaking my head. "Just wondering."
"I'd be upset. Pissed actually. I don't want anything to happen to you. I care about you." I smiled slightly.
"Good to know."
--
Months passed and I debated telling Roxas the truth. Finally I got the courage to after getting the feeling that he felt the same way. Our relationship felt more… intimate… than it had been.
So I decided to pay a surprise visit to his house and tell him.
I knocked on the door when I arrived, smiling when the blond answered.
"Axel, I'm so glad you're here!" he said, smiling widely.
"How come?" I asked, surprised. He seemed so happy. Had he wanted to see me? I wondered, heart racing.
"Come inside and I'll show you." He said, smile widening.
I stepped inside and saw a girl with red hair sitting on Roxas' sofa, glancing at me curiously.
"Who's she?" I asked, puzzled. I'd never seen her before.
"Kairi," Roxas said, pulling me closer. "Kairi, this is my best friend, Axel. Axel, this is my girlfriend, Kairi."
I felt my eyes widen.
"Hi Axel. Nice to finally meet you," she said smiling sweetly.
"You too," I mumbled. "Uhm be right back," I said, heading for the kitchen as quickly as possible.
All of those feelings… they'd been one-sided? Roxas… hadn't ever… I found myself thinking, griping the counter and closing my eyes, hoping to stop the horrible aching in my chest.
"Axel?" I heard behind me. I opened my eyes wide but relaxed when I saw that it was only Mr. Strife.
"Oh, hey, Mr. Strife," I said, smiling.
"Are you okay? You don't look well."
I felt my eyes widen once again then laughed nervously. "No, uhm, I was just thinking."
"Oh good. I thought it was something serious," he said smiling. "I'm glad you stopped by," he said hugging me. I smiled back, hugging back. I'd always respected Roxas' father. He was like a second father to me, in fact.
"Thanks… but I promised my mom I'd be back soon though, so I should get going."
"Do you need a ride home?" He asked.
"Uh, sure." Why not? I didn't really feel like walking home but I didn't really want to be here either.
"Great. I'll let Roxas know," he said.
"Alright." I didn't really have any objections- I knew I couldn't handle facing Roxas right now.
--
Cloud and I drove to my house in silence. I was absentmindedly watching the houses go by not really thinking. Well, I wasn't until I saw us pass by my apartment building.
"Uhm… we just passed-" I started to say, wondering if he hadn't realized that he'd passed it, until he spoke.
"I know."
"…why did you drive past it then?"
"Because, I have something I want to tell you."
"Okay," I said, blinking as he pulled into a park a mile away from my house and stopped the car.
"I love you."
I felt my eyes widen and my heart nearly stop. What? He… WHAT? No… it couldn't… it was just fatherly love… it had to be… it couldn't be more than that… it just couldn't…
"I, uh, thanks, I'm glad that you think of me in the same way you think of Roxas," I managed to say convincingly.
"No, Axel," he said gripping my hand. "I love you."
I was staring. I knew I was, as I sat there, frozen.
They were so similar, he and Roxas… and I found myself wondering… Would Roxas have looked the same, had he been the one confessing love instead of Cloud?
Cloud cupped my cheek with his free hand and I closed my eyes to keep from crying. Why did fate have to be so cruel and ironic?
I let him kiss me. They were so similar… he and Roxas… it was almost as if it were Roxas. That's what I kept thinking, yet I couldn't keep my heart from continuing to break. Because as close as they were, no matter how many similarities they shared, Cloud would never be Roxas.. They were not the same person. They had their differences.
I pushed him away, closing my eyes as I realized their biggest discrepancy yet: one loved me. The other obviously did not.
"I can't… do this…" I said, hoping to not ruin our relationship entirely. "Please... just take me home." Cloud remained silent for a long time.
"I won't give up," he said. I opened my eyes, glancing away.
"I see." I said, unlocking the car, getting out and starting to walk home despite the blond's protests.
--
True to his word, Cloud became more persistent. Meanwhile, Roxas fell deeper for his new girlfriend. I felt myself die a little bit inside every time I saw them together.
But I couldn't tell Roxas now- he was so happy… It was almost as if he didn't need me anymore…
I also couldn't tell him about his father. I couldn't ruin his image of him. I just couldn't.
--
Roxas and I began to spend less and less time together. I'd been avoiding his house for obvious reasons and he'd been busy with Kairi. And along with feeling left behind and lonely, I was still aching from a broken heart. It didn't feel like Roxas cared about me anymore and suicidal thoughts were creeping in.
I was genuinely surprised when my phone began to ring shortly after I decided this and I saw that it was him. Hesitantly, I answered.
"Hey Axe." I closed my eyes. I'd missed his voice- it was so beautiful; like he was singing every time he talked.
I hesitated for a long moment then replied. "Hey yourself."
"What's up? I haven't seen you in a long time."
"Not much," I said before we fell into silence.
"…have you been avoiding me…?"
"Why would you think that?" I asked, confused..
"Well, Kairi-"
"Of course," I interrupted, rolling my eyes.
There was another moment of silence. "Do you dislike my girlfriend?" Roxas asked voice neutral.
"What I dislike is that she's all you seem to care about anymore," I replied.
"So you do."
"I didn't say that," I stated. Roxas sighed.
"Can I ask you something, Rox?" I asked.
"Sure."
"Do you still care about me…? Would you… would you still care… if I died?
"God, Axel, why do have to be so dramatic?" Roxas asked, coldly. I closed my eyes, feeling like I'd just been slapped.
"I see," I said voice beginning to shake as I started to cry. He didn't care… he didn't even want me to be around.
"Axel?" Roxas asked, noticing.
"Good-bye, Roxas." So I'd do him a favor by ridding the world of my existence.
"Axel!" he yelled as I closed my phone.
"…goodbye, Roxas," I whispered.
-
Yes, three years ago today, we first met.
And now I found myself on the roof of my apartment building on the ledge, standing in the rain and staring at the cars below me, transfixed. Eight stories is a long way down.
I was waiting for the perfect time to jump- 8:13 in the morning- the first time I saw him and unknowingly began my downward spiral.
Why jump? It's simple really. It's the least painful and most efficient way to die- that is; unless of course, the fall doesn't kill you.
With overdosing, there's the chance of discovery and being saved- same with drowning. Hanging never appealed to me. Only the first two and jumping did- and with jumping, you can just close your eyes and fall, then when you hit the ground, it's all over.
"Axel!" I heard behind me and blinked before glancing in that direction.
"I see you found me," I said when he was within earshot. Roxas stopped short.
"Why are you doing this? Please don't!" he begged.
"Why shouldn't I?" I asked, tone mocking. It'd be better if he hated me before I died.
"Because I love you!" He yelled. I stared at him, eyes widened for a long moment before I relaxed my face.
"What about Kairi?"
"Even though I loved you, I didn't think you loved me…" he said, stepping toward me, "I started dating her because I was trying to find a replacement so it wouldn't hurt so much."
I closed my eyes feeling relief as he confessed what he'd been feeling. "I love you too," I whispered, unsure of if he heard me or not. "I have for so very long."
"Please come down from the ledge," Roxas begged, gripping my waist.
I opened my eyes, smiling for the first time in a long time and started to turn around but gasped when I lost my footing and began to fall because the ledge was wet and slick. Roxas instinctively gripped me more tightly, trying to stop me from falling but it was too late.
I closed my eyes, feeling the air rush around me and arms gripping me tightly. We fell for what felt like forever- then as suddenly as it had begun, it stopped.
I lay there for a few long minutes before realizing that I was still alive. Slowly I opened my eyes then closed them again. My vision was swimming. What surprised me more than not being dead though, despite hurting everywhere was the fact that the ground felt… soft…
I opened my eyes wide, thinking of Roxas. It was then that I realized that I was lying on my side and that there was a body under mine.
"Roxas!" I said, happy despite being in an overwhelming amount of pain. "Roxas, we made it, we're okay, we're alive!" He loved me, we could be together, we could- …why wasn't he answering?
"Roxas?" I asked when he remained silent, "Roxas, answer me!" I screamed, panicking as he lay there, unmoving.
"Rox, I'll get you help, so please don't leave me," I begged, beginning to cry.
It was when I tried to move that I realized that I couldn't.
I cried harder feeling weaker with every passing second and hating myself. All I could think about was how this was entirely my fault. He was gone… and never even knew that I'd loved him…
The irony didn't pass me by.
"Roxas," I whispered, full of regret, my body feeling heavier as the rain pelted it. "I'm so…"
Sorry.
-End-
A/N: I liked it :] –sucker for angst-
But what did you think? Love it? Hate it? Let me know?