Author's Note: First off, I do not
own Harry Potter or any characters, ideas, situations from the
book/movie series. Nor do I own Legolas or "Lord of the
Rings." Second, this is the first installment of a series of
ficlets that parody Mary-Sues. There are some spelling mistakes,
some grammar mistakes and mechanics mistakes because that's the way bad
Mary-Sues are written. I repeat, this story is bad on purpose. It is humor.
CHAPTER 1 THE MOON'S MESSAGE
She lived on 1234 Rainbow Way, a street name to bring a smile to one's face, but Bladyn-Krystal Rayne Skylark was anything but happy. Her parents died in a plane wreck before she could remember. Her adopted parents, the Darckravyns were always travelling around the world, leaving her to take care of her fat, ugly and uber-spoiled adopted brother Helmyt. She was locked up indoors for most of her days and longed to see the outside world because in her heart she knew that she was more than a baby sitter. After all, she had a peculiar swan shaped marking on her ankle, the origin of it was unbeknownst to her. She liked to stay up at night on the balcony and look off to the moon and whisper softly to it "Moon, where is my family. Tell them that I love them even though I ended up here and no matter where they are I will always love them." Once the moon whispered back to her and said:
"Bladyn-Krystal your family still loves you, too. You are always in their thoughts. They will look after you. You are really a princess-elf-witch. Follow your heart to Hogwarts Scool of Witchcraft and Wizardry."
Bladyn-Krystal was overjoyed with joyousness in her heart. She was really a witch and a princess. She finally knew her destiny, all of the dreams she had were coming true. She packed an old leather suitcase with her best clothes and silver heart locket with the picture of her parents inside of it.
She creeped out of the backdoor of her adopted parent's mansion and set toward the moon becuase the moon would lead the way.
After an hour of travelling on the pet pegasus that the Darckravyns owned, Bladyn-Krystal arrived at the Hogwarts castle where professor McGonagall was standing, happily waving. "Miss Skylark how lovely it is to see you."
"Why thank you Professor McGonagall."
"I will show you to your dormitory. The wand that your parents left in Professor Dumbledore's possesion after their untimely death is waiting for you along with all of your books and new robes made of unicorn fur from the softest unicorns of Argentina."
"Oh, thank you Professor McGonagall! I can tell that I will truly love my new life here at Hogwarts. Thank you!"
"Follow me. I can't wait to teach you Super Advanced Beyond Auror-level Transfiguration. By the way you have been sorted into the Gryffindor house. There you shall meet other fifth years such as the know-it-all-bushy-haired-Hermione Granger whom I secretly despise and that strange, sad boy Harry Potter. They can't wait to meet you. You're all that they have ben talking about."
"Oh goodie." Bladyn said as she skipped along to her dormitory.
CHAPTER 2 HOGWARTS DAY ONE
"Hello there, my name is Hermione Granger. You must be Princess Bladyn-Krystal Rayne Skylark. I am so jealous of you and your brains and your lineage." The bushy-haired girl named Hermione Granger said.
Secretly, in the dark recesses of her mind, Bladyn-Krystal was not surprised. After all, her raven-colored curly tresses were long and flowing. Her bosoms were bountiful and bouncy.Her skin was like peaches and cream and her eyes were a beautiful, glowing emerald color. She was stunningly beautful. She was used to most girls being jealous of her good-looks.
A dark haired boy with jet-black hair and sparkling green eyes approached Hermione and Bladyn-Krystal. "My name is Harry Potter" Harry Potter announced. "I'm also known as—"
"The boy who lived! I know all about you. Let's go out on a date sometime." Bladyn-Krystal said, kissing Harry gently on the cheek while Hermione turned crimson and nearly died of anger.
CHAPTER 3 THE STUNNING POTIONS MASTER
Her first class was Potions with the evil Professor Snape who hated everyone except for Draco Malfoy and Bladyn-Krystal. Bladyn-Krystal didn't think that Professor Snape was really evil, just misunderstood becuase she could read his mind and knew that he was misunderstood. She sent him a telepathic message one day that said:
"Dear Professor,
I know you are not evil and that you are actually misunderstood. I know that you are working secretly for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-But-Whose-Real-Name-Is-Voldemort. But I know that it is secretly for Dumbledore because you are endebtted to him."
Professor Snape asked to see her after class one day and said "How do you know me so well. We must talk more some other time. How about next Friday."
Bladyn-Krystal agreed but after leaving the dungeon remembered that's the day she was going to Hogsmeade with Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 4 AMOROUS AND DEBONAIR SIRIUS
Bladyn-Krystal walked into Hogsmeade hand-in-hand with Harry Potter. Everybody looked on with gaping mouths and surprised looks on their faces like they were surprised. Bladyn-Krystal and Harry Potter were the cutetest, happiest, most popular couple at school. Harry was the seeker for the Quidditch team and Bladyn-Krystal was the new captain because Angelina saw that she was no good at being captain because Bladyn-Krystal was so much smarter and prettier than she was.
Harry and Bladyn-Krystal went to the Turtle Dove Hideaway Restaurant where a tall, handsome, black-haired man began talking to Harry. Bladyn-Krystal recognized him as the debonair evil-doer Sirius Black of Askaban prison for evil wizards. They caught eachother's eye and then he truned away, black hair flowing against the wind.
Bladyn-Krystal excused herself and went after the man. "Hello my name is..."
"I know what your name is you are Bladyn-Krystal Rayne Skylark. I'm Sirius Black, I'm not really a bad person. Would you like to talk?"
"Of course Mr.Black"
"Call me Sirius, darling. Better yet you can call me Siri."
"Okay Siri. I think you're quite attractive."
"I am madly attracted to you." He said, Sirius Black, blushing a bright orange and fuschia color tinged with pink.
Bladyn-Krystal was great with guys and knew how to be not too forward but not too shy either. That was how and why she was popular, she didn't need potions or magic or anything besides her charming personality.
"I think that I am in love with you Siri but I must leave you." She cried.
"When will I see you again?" He asked, pleadingly.
"Soon Siri. I love you."
"I love you, too, Bladyn-Krystal."
CHAPTER 5 LOVE CONVERSATION
"You are so interesting, Bladyn-Krystal. You know so much about me, it is like you can read my mind." Professor Snape giggled.
"You are so funny!" Bladyn-Krystal laughed, tucking long raven-tresses that were curly behind her nicely pointed ear.
"Bladyn-Krystal, are you currently in a relationship with another that is based on true love and undying devotion?"
"Sort of." She replied. "I have falled madly in love with....I cannot say his name."
"Please tell me so that I know that I cannot love you. Tell me, who is the lucky man?"
"Promise not to tell?" She asked.
"I promise." He said, smiling gently and lovingly.
"His name is..." her voice turned into a whisper similar to that she used while whispering to the moon, "Sirius Black."
"NEVER" he cried and raced out the door.
CHAPTER 6 A PUBLIC MEETING OF LOVE
Her carrier owl gave her three letters the next day, one from Sirius, her newfound true love; one from Harry, her first true love; one from Professor Snape, her secret lover. She kept all of these letters secret from a jealous Hermione who had locked herself in the dormintories for the whole time that Bladyn-Krystal had been dating Harry which was a long time.
She ran into Prof.Snape in the hallways where a fuming-with-jealousy Professor McGonagall looked on.
"Oh, Professor Snape!"
"Oh Bladyn-Krystal, ma cherie!"
"You speak French. Moi aussi. Quelle romance!"
"Oui. Your voice is like the sound of wind rustling through leaves, like rain drops falling to the grass, like a siren."
"Thank you."
"I am in such awe of your voice and skills with a foreign language as beautiful as French. You are beautiful."Snape said kissing her forehead gently and softly with love and tenderness.
Just then, Sirius came walking by...
CHAPTER 7 TRUE LOVE RETURNS, SIRIUSLY
"Severus!" he cried.
"Sirius!" Professor Snape and Bladyn-Krystal cried.
Bladyn-Krystal threw herself into Sirius' tight embrace of warmth and love. "I love you." He whispered while caressing her hair and stroking her.
"I love you, too."
"I would like to duel with you Sirius Black, right now. Winner get's the love of this remarkable girl." Professor Snape quipped.
"Not without me" Haryy Potter said, bursting in.
"I shall fight the two of you." Sirius said proudly with love.
"Let's go." Snape sad.
CHAPTER 8 THE FIGHT
Bladyn-Krystal was so torn apart as she watched the men she loved fight to the death. She held back tears and wrote a poem to commemorate the occasion. It was called "Three Wizards:"
After penning her heart-felt poem and singing a song to try to stop the battle, Bladyn-Krystal ran toward the three men and they stopped dueling and started groveling at her beauty. "I love you all." she cried and as her tear fell to the ground it turned into a dove and flew off. "Please stop fighting. It is so mean and cruel and goes against everything I believe in that is nice and perfect."
And then many centaurs and unicorns and pegasusses and the moon came in and the moon said "Bladyn-Krystal you are really Princess Lark Dove Swan of Mirkwood."
Legolas, the blonde pointy-eared elf who was the embodiment of hotness and perfection stepped forward and spoke in a lovely British accent "Princess, please return to your people. I love you. Will you marry me?"
"Yes" she said, throwing herself into the strong elf's arms.
"Princess Lark Dove Swan, I am your father" A handsome elf man with green eyes said.
"And I am your mother" a pretty elf woman with flowing wavy raven tresses said.
"We had to give you away to keep you from being hurt in the fairy-elf-gnome wars. We never meant harm and made the moon watch over you."
"I love you all." She said and they all had a big group hug with her new husband, Legolas, the elf prince of Mirkwood.
CHAPTER 9 LOVE TIES
Before she left to go live with the elves for eternity where she would be immortal forever Bladyn-Krystal set Hermione and Harry on a blind date and they fell in love. She set up Snape with McGonagall and Siruis found true love with Arwen Evenstar who was also an elf like Bladyn-Krystal. She set up Ron Weezley with her old friend Fleur Delaceur and everyone lived happily ever in love.
THE END?
CHAPTER 1 THE MOON'S MESSAGE
She lived on 1234 Rainbow Way, a street name to bring a smile to one's face, but Bladyn-Krystal Rayne Skylark was anything but happy. Her parents died in a plane wreck before she could remember. Her adopted parents, the Darckravyns were always travelling around the world, leaving her to take care of her fat, ugly and uber-spoiled adopted brother Helmyt. She was locked up indoors for most of her days and longed to see the outside world because in her heart she knew that she was more than a baby sitter. After all, she had a peculiar swan shaped marking on her ankle, the origin of it was unbeknownst to her. She liked to stay up at night on the balcony and look off to the moon and whisper softly to it "Moon, where is my family. Tell them that I love them even though I ended up here and no matter where they are I will always love them." Once the moon whispered back to her and said:
"Bladyn-Krystal your family still loves you, too. You are always in their thoughts. They will look after you. You are really a princess-elf-witch. Follow your heart to Hogwarts Scool of Witchcraft and Wizardry."
Bladyn-Krystal was overjoyed with joyousness in her heart. She was really a witch and a princess. She finally knew her destiny, all of the dreams she had were coming true. She packed an old leather suitcase with her best clothes and silver heart locket with the picture of her parents inside of it.
She creeped out of the backdoor of her adopted parent's mansion and set toward the moon becuase the moon would lead the way.
After an hour of travelling on the pet pegasus that the Darckravyns owned, Bladyn-Krystal arrived at the Hogwarts castle where professor McGonagall was standing, happily waving. "Miss Skylark how lovely it is to see you."
"Why thank you Professor McGonagall."
"I will show you to your dormitory. The wand that your parents left in Professor Dumbledore's possesion after their untimely death is waiting for you along with all of your books and new robes made of unicorn fur from the softest unicorns of Argentina."
"Oh, thank you Professor McGonagall! I can tell that I will truly love my new life here at Hogwarts. Thank you!"
"Follow me. I can't wait to teach you Super Advanced Beyond Auror-level Transfiguration. By the way you have been sorted into the Gryffindor house. There you shall meet other fifth years such as the know-it-all-bushy-haired-Hermione Granger whom I secretly despise and that strange, sad boy Harry Potter. They can't wait to meet you. You're all that they have ben talking about."
"Oh goodie." Bladyn said as she skipped along to her dormitory.
CHAPTER 2 HOGWARTS DAY ONE
"Hello there, my name is Hermione Granger. You must be Princess Bladyn-Krystal Rayne Skylark. I am so jealous of you and your brains and your lineage." The bushy-haired girl named Hermione Granger said.
Secretly, in the dark recesses of her mind, Bladyn-Krystal was not surprised. After all, her raven-colored curly tresses were long and flowing. Her bosoms were bountiful and bouncy.Her skin was like peaches and cream and her eyes were a beautiful, glowing emerald color. She was stunningly beautful. She was used to most girls being jealous of her good-looks.
A dark haired boy with jet-black hair and sparkling green eyes approached Hermione and Bladyn-Krystal. "My name is Harry Potter" Harry Potter announced. "I'm also known as—"
"The boy who lived! I know all about you. Let's go out on a date sometime." Bladyn-Krystal said, kissing Harry gently on the cheek while Hermione turned crimson and nearly died of anger.
CHAPTER 3 THE STUNNING POTIONS MASTER
Her first class was Potions with the evil Professor Snape who hated everyone except for Draco Malfoy and Bladyn-Krystal. Bladyn-Krystal didn't think that Professor Snape was really evil, just misunderstood becuase she could read his mind and knew that he was misunderstood. She sent him a telepathic message one day that said:
"Dear Professor,
I know you are not evil and that you are actually misunderstood. I know that you are working secretly for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named-But-Whose-Real-Name-Is-Voldemort. But I know that it is secretly for Dumbledore because you are endebtted to him."
Professor Snape asked to see her after class one day and said "How do you know me so well. We must talk more some other time. How about next Friday."
Bladyn-Krystal agreed but after leaving the dungeon remembered that's the day she was going to Hogsmeade with Harry Potter.
CHAPTER 4 AMOROUS AND DEBONAIR SIRIUS
Bladyn-Krystal walked into Hogsmeade hand-in-hand with Harry Potter. Everybody looked on with gaping mouths and surprised looks on their faces like they were surprised. Bladyn-Krystal and Harry Potter were the cutetest, happiest, most popular couple at school. Harry was the seeker for the Quidditch team and Bladyn-Krystal was the new captain because Angelina saw that she was no good at being captain because Bladyn-Krystal was so much smarter and prettier than she was.
Harry and Bladyn-Krystal went to the Turtle Dove Hideaway Restaurant where a tall, handsome, black-haired man began talking to Harry. Bladyn-Krystal recognized him as the debonair evil-doer Sirius Black of Askaban prison for evil wizards. They caught eachother's eye and then he truned away, black hair flowing against the wind.
Bladyn-Krystal excused herself and went after the man. "Hello my name is..."
"I know what your name is you are Bladyn-Krystal Rayne Skylark. I'm Sirius Black, I'm not really a bad person. Would you like to talk?"
"Of course Mr.Black"
"Call me Sirius, darling. Better yet you can call me Siri."
"Okay Siri. I think you're quite attractive."
"I am madly attracted to you." He said, Sirius Black, blushing a bright orange and fuschia color tinged with pink.
Bladyn-Krystal was great with guys and knew how to be not too forward but not too shy either. That was how and why she was popular, she didn't need potions or magic or anything besides her charming personality.
"I think that I am in love with you Siri but I must leave you." She cried.
"When will I see you again?" He asked, pleadingly.
"Soon Siri. I love you."
"I love you, too, Bladyn-Krystal."
CHAPTER 5 LOVE CONVERSATION
"You are so interesting, Bladyn-Krystal. You know so much about me, it is like you can read my mind." Professor Snape giggled.
"You are so funny!" Bladyn-Krystal laughed, tucking long raven-tresses that were curly behind her nicely pointed ear.
"Bladyn-Krystal, are you currently in a relationship with another that is based on true love and undying devotion?"
"Sort of." She replied. "I have falled madly in love with....I cannot say his name."
"Please tell me so that I know that I cannot love you. Tell me, who is the lucky man?"
"Promise not to tell?" She asked.
"I promise." He said, smiling gently and lovingly.
"His name is..." her voice turned into a whisper similar to that she used while whispering to the moon, "Sirius Black."
"NEVER" he cried and raced out the door.
CHAPTER 6 A PUBLIC MEETING OF LOVE
Her carrier owl gave her three letters the next day, one from Sirius, her newfound true love; one from Harry, her first true love; one from Professor Snape, her secret lover. She kept all of these letters secret from a jealous Hermione who had locked herself in the dormintories for the whole time that Bladyn-Krystal had been dating Harry which was a long time.
She ran into Prof.Snape in the hallways where a fuming-with-jealousy Professor McGonagall looked on.
"Oh, Professor Snape!"
"Oh Bladyn-Krystal, ma cherie!"
"You speak French. Moi aussi. Quelle romance!"
"Oui. Your voice is like the sound of wind rustling through leaves, like rain drops falling to the grass, like a siren."
"Thank you."
"I am in such awe of your voice and skills with a foreign language as beautiful as French. You are beautiful."Snape said kissing her forehead gently and softly with love and tenderness.
Just then, Sirius came walking by...
CHAPTER 7 TRUE LOVE RETURNS, SIRIUSLY
"Severus!" he cried.
"Sirius!" Professor Snape and Bladyn-Krystal cried.
Bladyn-Krystal threw herself into Sirius' tight embrace of warmth and love. "I love you." He whispered while caressing her hair and stroking her.
"I love you, too."
"I would like to duel with you Sirius Black, right now. Winner get's the love of this remarkable girl." Professor Snape quipped.
"Not without me" Haryy Potter said, bursting in.
"I shall fight the two of you." Sirius said proudly with love.
"Let's go." Snape sad.
CHAPTER 8 THE FIGHT
Bladyn-Krystal was so torn apart as she watched the men she loved fight to the death. She held back tears and wrote a poem to commemorate the occasion. It was called "Three Wizards:"
The first wizard who loves me is Harry.
Sirius loves me too and very.
Severus loves me as well so...
Now, here the duel goes.
I love them all with so much of my heart.
I have loved them all from the start.
I'm happy they like me for me
Not for my bountiful bosoms
Or stunning beauty.
Sirius loves me too and very.
Severus loves me as well so...
Now, here the duel goes.
I love them all with so much of my heart.
I have loved them all from the start.
I'm happy they like me for me
Not for my bountiful bosoms
Or stunning beauty.
After penning her heart-felt poem and singing a song to try to stop the battle, Bladyn-Krystal ran toward the three men and they stopped dueling and started groveling at her beauty. "I love you all." she cried and as her tear fell to the ground it turned into a dove and flew off. "Please stop fighting. It is so mean and cruel and goes against everything I believe in that is nice and perfect."
And then many centaurs and unicorns and pegasusses and the moon came in and the moon said "Bladyn-Krystal you are really Princess Lark Dove Swan of Mirkwood."
Legolas, the blonde pointy-eared elf who was the embodiment of hotness and perfection stepped forward and spoke in a lovely British accent "Princess, please return to your people. I love you. Will you marry me?"
"Yes" she said, throwing herself into the strong elf's arms.
"Princess Lark Dove Swan, I am your father" A handsome elf man with green eyes said.
"And I am your mother" a pretty elf woman with flowing wavy raven tresses said.
"We had to give you away to keep you from being hurt in the fairy-elf-gnome wars. We never meant harm and made the moon watch over you."
"I love you all." She said and they all had a big group hug with her new husband, Legolas, the elf prince of Mirkwood.
CHAPTER 9 LOVE TIES
Before she left to go live with the elves for eternity where she would be immortal forever Bladyn-Krystal set Hermione and Harry on a blind date and they fell in love. She set up Snape with McGonagall and Siruis found true love with Arwen Evenstar who was also an elf like Bladyn-Krystal. She set up Ron Weezley with her old friend Fleur Delaceur and everyone lived happily ever in love.
THE END?