Title: Little Steps
Summary: After a rough case, Kate comes to the realisation that waiting isn't always the answer, and perhaps having a certain author close to those walls might not be such a bad idea. Written for Manuxinhace's challenge (.net/s/7382548/1/Challenge)
Rating: M - Just to be sure. Adult situations etc. Apparently, a glass of ice-water might be needed :-P
Disclaimer: The usual, sadly. If I owned Castle, I'd be able to spend more time writing. Spoilers for 4x01, and pretty much anything prior.
Author's Note: A (supposed to be sappy and short, but turned much more D & M, and much longer than I planned) one-shot that popped into my head one morning, pre-coffee. This one was supposed to be much shorter than my usuals, but it kinda got hijacked by the characters. A lot. Thanks are due, as always, to my excellent Beta, Manu - your support is one of the main reasons I keep churning out fic.
Kate Beckett Lay back in her bath and sighed to herself. The hot water and glass of wine helped relax the tension in her back from the last case, but did nothing to ease her mind.
Why is it so hard? She thought, the case still nagging at the back of her mind. I only meant to give myself some breathing space... She put her glass of wine down and made sure the book was well out of the way, then allowed her legs to relax, her head slipping under the water. Surfacing, she ran her hands over her face before stripping the water from her hair. Exhaling loudly, she tried to let her worries wash away just as easily as the day's dirt. Unplugging the water, she stood up and stepped out, twisting her hair up with a towel before wrapping herself in another.
Walking into the bedroom, she aimlessly dug through her drawers for something to wear to bed. Finding what she sought for, she tossed the items onto the quilt and dried herself off.
One advantage of the single life, She mused, No need to worry about putting on anything special just for heading to bed in. Kate was unsure even in the privacy of her own head if that thought was relieved or... wistful? Pulling on the grey tank top and faded sweats, she did a quick lap of the apartment and killed the lights. Wandering back into the bedroom, she crawled under the blankets and closed her eyes, willing sleep to come.
The quiet hum of the refrigerator was the only noise to be heard in the apartment. Outside, the sounds of New York continued, despite the hour. Gone two in the morning, the rain hissed down in a steady, drenching downpour. The irregular patter of droplets on her windows only serving to highlight the quiet inside, Kate found sleep still eluded her.
Tossing the blankets back slightly, she rubbed her eyes in frustration. Clearly, she wasn't getting to sleep any time soon. Taking a deep breath, she held it for several seconds before letting it out slowly. Figuring she might as well try to get to the bottom of whatever what causing her insomnia, Kate tried to relax her mind as well as her body.
One of the things she'd spent a lot of time working on during her rehabilitation had been meditation, to try to calm her mind down, and allow her to work through her issues. Finally feeling her mind calm down, Beckett just... drifted, and allowed her mind to drift wherever it wanted. Minutes passed, the only sounds from her being the regular pulse of her heart, and the air in her lungs. She felt a tingle at the back of her thoughts, niggling away at her peacefulness. Not focusing on it, she allowed it to grow in her thoughts, letting the feeling roll around her head, tasting it.
Finally, she could put a name to it: guilt. Being able to identify it, she forced herself not to examine it too closely, instead letting it find it's own path, showing her where her subconscious felt she needed some light being shone. A memory bubbled to the surface - the look on Lanie's face when she had finally braved the music and made the trip down to the morgue once she was back on active duty. Kate knew she had distanced herself from her friends in her time off, but had convinced herself that it was for the best. The look on the ME's face, however, rather strongly suggested that her friends hadn't felt the same.
The thought continued, the taste of bile at the back of her throat letting Kate know that this one was something much bigger... She recalled Esposito's face when she told him that she hadn't spoken to Castle since the hospital. The disappointment written clearly on his face gave her some small idea of just how badly she had treated them all, but Castle more than the others. Especially Castle.
Even thinking his name caused her stomach to clench, the stinging behind her eyelids speaking of tears that threatened to spill if she didn't get herself back under control. Taking several shaky breaths, she calmed her suddenly-racing heart as best she could, before allowing herself to drift once more, the sensation of forcing herself to relax still difficult when her emotions threatened to overwhelm her.
Castle. Rick. She turned her thoughts to him once more. Well, that was untrue. In fact, she simply stopped herself from fighting not thinking about him. If she was being honest with herself (and Kate knew that at this point, the only way she was going to get any kind of peace would if she was nothing less than brutally honest) was if she faced the issues head on. Mentally bracing herself for the ordeal ahead, she started with the most recent events, and worked her way backwards.
"I really, really liked him" She said, looking at her partner. "But it wasn't enough." Pause. "After my mother was killed, something inside me changed. It's like I built up this wall inside. I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to hurt like that again. I know I'm not gonna be able to be the kind of person that I want to be. I know I'm not gonna..." She paused again, gathering the courage to continue. "I'm not gonna be able to have the kind of relationship that I want...until that wall comes down. And it's not gonna happen 'til I put this thing to rest."
She knew she'd been less than honest with Castle when they were on the swings. Not an outright lie, but she'd still been sailing pretty close to the wind. She hadn't lied about how much she'd liked Josh, that much was true, as was her assertion that it wasn't enough. What she had skirted the truth with was the rest of the conversation. She knew she had a wall, but what she kept hidden from him, and from herself until tonight was that in some places, her impregnable wall, her fortress of solitude, there were windows, and the occasional gap. Well-protected by thorny hedges, she hadn't realised until it was too late that somehow, somewhen, he'd managed to slip inside, however briefly.
Kate knew now that that was why it had hurt so much after Demming, why she'd been so broken when he left. Once he'd managed to sneak past her defences, the effort of trying to rebuild the walls had nearly shattered the whole thing, and her along with it. Gently, she steered her mind away from that painful episode, back to more recent events.
Beckett felt the weight of the next lie keenly. No half-truths, no shades of grey. She'd outright lied to him, because she was afraid. Of him. Of her. Of them. He'd asked her how much she remembered from the shooting, and she'd looked him in the face and lied. She had no doubt he had meant what he'd said to her as she lay on the grass dying. Dying in his arms, with her blood on his hands. Feeling the wave of guilt wash through her, Kate knew that she could trust him, trust that he'd changed, because she'd seen it, every day, in a hundred little ways. He'd grown up, not enough to lose his boyish charm, never enough to quite shake that inner nine year old on a sugar rush, but she'd missed (or stopped herself from seeing) the changes in him, willfully oblivious, and so focused on trying not to feel anything for him that she stayed (and she was bitterly aware of the fact that he'd called her on it, before she knew it was what she was doing) hidden in a relationship with a man she didn't love.
She still felt guilty about Josh. She'd never cheated on him, but it hadn't been fair on him to drag the relationship out as long as she had. Kate knew in herself that she should have ended it long before her shooting. If not after the kiss with Castle, then at the very least after they returned from Los Angeles. The kiss had unsettled her enough that she felt... odd every time she kissed Josh. Not consciously comparing the two, she'd found herself searching for something every time their lips touched, and the lack of it left her feeling hollow. By the time they had captured Royce's killer, she had known there wasn't much point in denying it to herself at least, that she'd fallen for her partner.
Maybe she'd never actually gotten over him, not really. She'd been badly hurt, putting her heart on the line like she had before his summer in the Hampton's, but with the clarity that can only come from distance, she quietly admitted to herself that the damage had been done before then. He'd asked her to come with him, and she'd panicked, and thrown herself into a relationship, hiding from the possible hurt she thought he'd inevitably cause her.
He had to have known what she was doing with Demming, Beckett realised. He'd managed to work out the majority of her own back-story in less than the time it took them to crack the Tisdale case. His ability to grasp motivations, to take all the little things he noticed and weave them into a scarily accurate picture still amazed her, and she knew that she'd been giving him far less credit than he deserved, particularly in his dealings with Tom.
She could see the tense edge he'd had throughout the entire case. The not-so-subtle barbs they had flung at each other, the competitiveness between the two of them. He had to have seen her reactions to the handsome robbery detective, and being able to look back on it, Beckett could see the growing jealousy in her partners face as Tom and herself had grown ever closer. Castle had finally bitten the bullet and manned up enough to actually ask her to come away with him, put himself out there for her, and she had not only panicked, but she'd outright lied to him then. Justifying her actions at the time as 'not wanting to make things awkward', she had the horrifying feeling that everything that she'd suffered through that whole summer, all the pain and heartache, the tears, had all been her fault.
She'd lied to him yet again, and by the time she had realised her mistake, he'd done exactly what she herself did months later: retreated behind the walls, and sought some measure of comfort elsewhere, just to ease the pain of rejection, even if only for a while.
Kate sighed loudly in the darkness, knowing that if she wanted to move past this, she'd have to start coming clean. The first step was easy enough to see, and one of the hardest to implement. She needed to stop hiding things from herself, and by extension, from Rick as well. She'd meant what she said to him when she talked about not being able to be in the kind of relationship she wanted until her mother's case was put to rest. She knew that she couldn't fully open herself to the possibility of that much pain again until she'd buried the demons of her past, but she had the nagging feeling that when she finally did manage to bring the wall down, she'd find him already inside, relaxing on the couch with a good book, and a look on his face that clearly said 'what took you so long?'.
More at peace with herself now, Beckett let her thoughts wander more, their latest case drifting to the surface again. Another time when a budding romance had been cut short, this time by the jealous ex-boyfriend, neither of the victims had had the courage to talk about their feelings to the other. All their friends and family thought there was something going on between them, and yet they had stubbornly refused to see it, each afraid of rejection, of hurt, and of losing their friendship should it turn sour.
And look what did their caution got them... Kate thought sadly. Indecision and worry, when they could have been happy, even if only for a while. Aware of the similarities between the victims and her own definitely-not-a-relationship, she idly wondered just how many heavy-handed lessons the universe was going to drop on her before she got the hint. Resigned, but curiously relieved at the same time, Beckett felt her worries ease as she resolved to start fixing her fractured relationships in the morning.
Glancing over at her partner, Kate felt the butterflies in her stomach as she ran her eyes over his features, letting a soft smile ease its way onto her lips. Even on their way back to her car from a fresh crime scene, she was still struck by how innocent he looked. Blue eyes sparkling in the sunshine, hair being ruffled by the errant breeze, Kate wished she could still look at the world with that same sense of wonder that seemed to come so easily to him. Deciding now was probably as good a time as she was likely to find, she kept her eyes on him as they walked, knowing that he'd look over to her shortly. Sure enough, he turned his attention to her only a second later. Rather than blink and turn her gaze back to the footpath in front of them, as she usually did when he caught her staring at him, she let him see her looking, his attention to detail picking up instantly on the relaxed smile she wore, lighting up her whole face.
Seeing the brief flash of shock run through his features, Beckett decided to ease things along a little more, holding his gaze as the kept walking, lowering her lashes briefly, before looking back up at him, carefully watching to see the effect. She wasn't disappointed, his eyes roving her face almost immediately, searching for some outward sign of why she'd changed her behaviour for their usual light-hearted banter. Darting back to her lips briefly, she saw his attention focus squarely back on her own eyes as an almost shy smile crept across his lips.
Surprised at how easy it felt to just relax and let things happen as they would, Kate knew she'd come to the right decision last night. That feeling of always holding herself at arms' length from him, the constant battle to keep her head above water had tired her more than she'd realised. Impulsively, she altered her gait, bringing them fractionally closer together as they threaded their way through the pedestrians on the footpath. Her hand drifting almost of it's own accord, she felt a warm tingle flow up her arm as her little finger twitched, shyly hooking through his own, their feet in perfect rhythm, their hands swinging in time.
The faint blush that stained her cheeks drawing his attention, Castle saw the hesitancy in her, saw the shyness, and the vulnerable need, all swirling just under the surface. Shocked, elated beyond coherent thought, it was all he could do to simply return her smile with one of his own, the happiness inside filling his face with a joy he wasn't sure he'd ever allowed himself to dare dream about. Giving her finger a gentle squeeze, Rick let himself relax, simply enjoying the feel of her, the connection between them spreading a feeling of contentment that left neither of them needing to speak.
Beckett closed down her email for the day and leaned back in her chair, easing the muscles in her lower back. Glancing at the clock, she ran her eyes briefly around the bull pen. Seeing that most of the officers had already departed for the day, she turned her attention to her partner. A small frown of concentration on his face, Castle had his phone out. No doubt playing Angry Birds again (or was that still?), Kate felt her lips turn up in a fond smile as she let her eyes wander his features unobserved for a moment. Since taking their first steps towards something more that afternoon, she'd found herself doing that more often. She wasn't distracted by him, well, no more so than usual, but with their tentative progress came her realisation that she had never really just taken the time to just... look at him.
Truly open with herself for the first time, she finally admitted just how adorable it was when poured all his concentration into such an innocent diversion. The way his eyes darted around the tiny screen, lighting up as he passed a level, or got a new high score, the man-child in him bubbling to the surface, the delight on his face infectious to the point where she felt her own features soften as she smiled at him.
His spidey-senses must have tingled and given her away, because her lowered the phone and returned her look. Blushing slightly, Kate knew he had caught her staring at him. The way his lips twitched as a knowing smirk began all-but confirmed it. Refraining from commenting, he simply allowed himself to return her frank appraisal. Justifying it in his own mind, Castle drew a distinct difference between 'studying', 'staring', and what he (and from the look in Kate's eyes, her as well) was doing now. His author's vocabulary throwing up a multitude of synonyms for it: gazing in adoration, basking, appreciating, and the list went on. If he was honest with himself though, he'd have to categorise it as 'staring at each other like a pair of love-struck teenagers'.
Seconds passed, and the tension hung thick in the air between them, eyes locked. Eventually, Kate blinked, her hands seeking out her pen and a sticky note. Unwilling to give voice to her thoughts where Ryan and Esposito might overhear, she quickly scribbled a note, and stood up from her desk, grabbing her coffee cup. Seeing Castle about to join her, she gave a small shake of her head, letting him know she wanted him to stay put. Surprised that he actually remained in his seat, she shook her head in amusement.
Minutes later, she returned, two cups in hand. She placed one in front of Castle and sat back down, sipping her own. A little puzzled at her behaviour, but grateful for the drink nonetheless, he picked up the cup and drank, immediately noting the folded sticky-note which had been tucked inside the curve of the handle. Curiosity aflame, he palmed the note as he replaced the coffee on the desk. Casually, he picked up his phone again, using the movement to cover the unfolding of the note, he scanned the hastily written words. Blinking rapidly, he read them again; just to be sure his eyes weren't playing some kind of cruel hoax on him. Nope, they were still the same the second time he read them.
Dinner, my place, 7?
His fingers shaking slightly, a goofy grin threatening to make the top of his head fall off, Castle tapped at his phone briefly. Seconds later, Kate heard the muted chime of a new email from her computer. She had her suspicions as to who had sent it, which were confirmed when she glanced at her monitor. Casting a furtive glance around the bull pen to see if anybody was paying attention to them, she opened it.
I'll bring wine and desert.
They shared a small, private smile before both studiously focusing on their respective tasks as much as possible for the rest of the day, the clock seemingly taking for ever to work it's way to a time when they could both leave.
Still more than a little bit giddy at her boldness earlier, Beckett slipped her key into the door to the apartment and opened it. Shoving the door closed with her hip on the way through, she made her way to the kitchen and dumped her bag on the bench, pulling the fridge door open and grabbing the orange juice from the front.
The butterflies in her stomach bringing her to the edge of nausea, Kate wasn't really in the mood for social niceties right then. She opened the bottle and drank straight from it as she ran her eyes over the contents of the fridge, a task which took all of a few seconds. Several left-over takeout containers, a carton of milk, and a handful of carrots in the crisper, which were far from crisp. She looked at the watch on her wrist, and realised that if she actually wanted to cook something for dinner for a change, instead of ordering in again, she had just under an hour and a half before Castle arrived. Cursing under her breath, she tossed the now-empty juice bottle into the garbage bin and grabbed her bag again and headed out, already running the list of things she needed through her head.
Kate paced restlessly back and forth in the lounge, anxiously glancing at the clock every minute or so. Dinner was ready, she had showered and changed and put just a touch more makeup on than usual and it was five minutes to seven. A knock on the door startled her from her waiting.
Making her way over to the door, she glanced through the peephole, and saw a slightly nervous looking Richard Castle. A faint smile creased her features as she realised that he'd done exactly the same thing as her - gone home and cleaned up a bit. Not the whole going-on-a-date getting dressed up, but dressy casual, nicer than they usually wore to the precinct. Opening the door, she took a second to run her eyes over her partner, letting the hint of a smile already on her lips bloom, lighting up her face. Her frank appraisal returned in kind, they both blushed slightly.
"Hey, Castle..." She said, her voice not quite as steady as she had hoped for, Kate stepped back and gestured for him to enter.
"Hey..." He replied, his heart hammering in his chest as he tried to calm himself down. It's just Beckett, He told himself. It's not like you haven't had dinner at her apartment before. Trying very hard not to wipe his hands on his pants, he decided that given the way Kate had behaved today gave an indication that she was considering moving things forward somewhat. Perhaps being a bit nervous was excusable, given the circumstances.
Swallowing, he stepped forward and into her apartment. Immediately, the smell of freshly cooked carbonara met his nose. A pleased grin on his face, he continued further inside, noting that Beckett had opted for a slightly informal setting, the plates sitting on the coffee table along with a pair of wine glasses. Soft music filling up the silences, Kate closed the door and walked over to the couch and sat down. Reaching over, she picked up the glasses and held one out to Rick, who popped the cork on the wine bottle as he sat down.
Filling her glass, he handed it back to her, before filling his own. Placing the bottle back on the table, he passed Kate her plate. Both settled on the couch, they raised their glasses, touching them together briefly before taking a sip, and starting on their food.
A wordless noise escaped from Rick's throat, a frown forming as he glanced at Kate. His eyes darted over the back of the couch, towards what he could see of the kitchen before looking at the pasta again. Worried, Beckett put her fork down and looked at her partner, saying
"Castle? Are you okay?" Finishing his mouthful, Castle still had his fork raised, hanging in the air, forgotten. Looking at her, he swallowed and replied.
"God, Beckett! This is divine..." Relief flooding her face, Kate let out a sigh. Covering her embarrassment, she took a mouthful of her wine.
"I had no idea you could cook like this..." Rick said, still marvelling at her culinary skills. A little flustered, she laughed, asking him
"And how do you know I didn't just order in?" An odd note caught his attention. The way Beckett was twirling her fork in the pasta reminded him almost exactly of the way she twisted her hair around her index finger every time she flirted with him. A teasing smirk creeping onto her lips, she lifted her food and placed it in her mouth, slowly withdrawing the fork. His breath catching as he watched her lips wrap around the fork, fascinated, Rick forcibly dragged his thoughts back on track. His tone light and as casual as he could make it, he replied.
"Unless you went to the trouble of putting the pasta into a pot once it got here, and then onto the plates, the state of your kitchen sink gives you away, detective..." Acknowledging his point with her wine glass, Kate placed it down before looking at him again.
"Secret family recipe, Castle. I just haven't felt like cooking it in a while... Takeout is easier, but sometimes I get the urge to actually cook something." She paused, eating another forkful before she continued. "Mom was the chef in our house. She was absolutely amazing, Castle. We only had take-out every now and then, dad used to complain that between the two of us, he'd be the size of a house before he was fifty. After she died, I just couldn't face it any more... There wasn't any spare time for cooking when I was in the academy, and since I graduated, pretty much the only time I go all out cooking is on her birthday. Sometimes, I can almost feel her there with me when I'm cooking." Touched, he replied.
"Then I'm honoured that you'd cook it for us." Far from becoming maudlin, talking about it with Castle always seemed to make her feel better. Somewhere along the way, she had become comfortable discussing her mother with him, not just the case, but memories, silly ones, happy ones, and everything in between.
"She always said cooking for an appreciative audience made it worth while. If she'd have met you, Rick, she'd have cooked it for you herself when you came to dinner." A smirk on her lips, she teased him. "Maybe she'd have hoped it would have made up for what dad would have put you through. I know you know all about what fathers do to their little girl's boyfriends..." She blushed slightly as she reached the last word, hoping the casual tone in her voice hid her nerves. A delighted smile covering his face Rick didn't trust his voice to respond, instead simply raising his fork in a silent toast to Johanna's skills.
Kate drained the last of her wine and took a steadying breath. Time to face the music, she thought nervously. Leaning forward, she closed the distance between them, grasping Rick's hand in her own. Seeing the slightly startled expression on his face, she tried to control her nerves. Her mouth opened and shut, before she finally forced herself to start talking.
"Rick, there is something I need to tell you..." Her pulse thundering through her, she would not have been surprised dif her partner could feel her frantically thrumming heartbeat in her hand. A feeling of dread sweeping over him, Castle looked at her, his heart in his throat. Unable to speak, his expression crestfallen, he looked at her mutely, waiting.
"I lied." She said quickly, hoping that confessing was like ripping a bandaid off. Swallowing, she saw the confusion and hurt in his eyes. Before she lost her nerve, she ploughed on. "About a lot of things, Rick, and I'm so sorry." Blinking, she felt tears start to form.
"How? When?" He asked her, his voice hoarse, fearing her answer almost as much as not knowing. A single tear making its way down her cheek, she closed her eyes for several seconds, before looking up at him, hoping he would understand.
"The first time was just before you went away for the summer..." She paused, near-identical expressions of hurt flashing across their faces. She went on, finding it slightly easier once she had gotten the ball rolling. "I... When I told you I didn't want things to be awkward between us. I knew that if I took you up on your offer to go to the Hampton's, I'd..." She sighed, looking down at her lap. "I'd end up crossing some lines I didn't think I was ready to cross. I was scared, Castle, scared of what would happen, what it would mean, what it'd do to us... I didn't sleep a wink that night. It took Esposito of all people to bring me to my senses the next day... He pretty much beat me around the head with the fact that he thought the only reason you were going away was because of Tom, and he was right. I thought about how I felt about Tom, and how sick I felt at the thought of you going away and maybe not ever coming back, at least not back back... back to the 12th, back to us... to me." The sting of remembered hurt, of finally being able to talk to him about that horrible day choked her up. Unable to continue, she blinked rapidly, tears spilling down her cheeks.
Struggling to reconcile her words with what he remembered from that day, Castle simply sat and waited, his hands lightly gripping hers, squeezing slightly, offering wordless comfort and support. Eventually, she looked back at him, her eyes red and puffy, the tears making her eyes glisten a startling emerald hue. Some distant part of his mind noted that it was strange how, in the midst of gut-wrenching emotional agony, with tears and a nose that was starting to run, Kate Beckett was still... stunning. Breathtakingly beautiful, even in one of her most unguarded moments, he was captivated. Captivated and torn, because he knew that he was far from blameless in the incident she had brought up.
Recovering enough to continue, her next words slammed into him despite him barely being able to hear them. Voice shaky, she whispered,
"I broke up with Tom, because I was going to ask you if the offer was still open. That was what I was trying to tell you when she walked in..." Shock slammed into him, wiping his mind. Seeing his face go completely blank, Kate bit her lip, waiting, hoping. Hyper-aware, she could feel his pulse in their joined hands, hammering faster than she could count, the frantic beat at odds with his frozen features. Finally, he spoke, his voice hoarse.
"Kate, I am so sorry... I thought you... We...He..." Hearing him start to apologise instead of getting angry with her, she relaxed slightly, releasing her lip. Letting out the breath she had been unconsciously holding, she cut him off.
"It's okay, Castle... It's not your fault. I understand why you did it, even if it hurt like hell. You didn't know, you couldn't have known... I had pushed you away so many times, there was no way you could have known I'd take you up on it for once. I know how much it must have hurt to see me like that with Tom, because I felt that way every single time I thought about you and... her... the whole summer." Despite her best efforts, Kate wasn't able to keep the bitterness out of her voice when she mentioned Castle's ex-wife, still not quite able to bring herself to mention her name.
Feeling a bit lighter for having actually talked about one of the most hurtful times she could remember, she felt her lips curve into a bittersweet smile. She removed one of her hands from his and wiped the tears from her face before continuing.
"Then there was Josh..." Castle's hands tensed reflexively, his eyes going flat at the mention of her most recent boyfriend. "When we got out of the freezer... I was scared Castle. When I closed my eyes in there, I didn't think I was going to wake up. I though we were both going to die and all I could think of was that I was glad that it was you there with me. I almost..." She drifted off, a shiver shaking her frame as she fought off the recollection of that bone-deep cold, sapping her strength, her life away. The gentle stroking of Rick's thumbs across the backs of her hands, the patient warmth that flowed from him pulled her back. She went on. "I knew that Josh and I weren't going to last, as soon as I opened my eyes. I think he knew it as well... I'm still a bit hazy, but apparently the first word out of my mouth was your name."
A wry smile breaking his calm facade, Castle whispered, his eyes still haunted by the shadows of their near-death experience.
"Mine too..." To Kate's surprise, he fell silent once more, letting her continue.
"I freaked. Josh was... safe. I'd nearly lost you for good, and I just... I couldn't do it. I couldn't risk letting you in, because it already hurt so much, just the thought of losing you, and we weren't even together. If I had let you in, and then lost you, I don't know if I could have handled that. After my mom, I shut everybody out, and you were already such an important part of my life that I felt that I stood a better chance of keeping you alive and with me, just not in that way. You were right... I hid in a relationship with a man I didn't love, because I was afraid." Her voice steady, Beckett held Castle's gaze. "That's why I lied to you, when you came to visit me in the hospital... But for a different reason."
"You... You remembered?" He asked hesitantly, a spark of hope flaring inside him.
"I never forgot, Castle. I just needed time to deal with it all, that much was true. I am sorry for the way I treated you, I know I should have called, or messaged or something, but I just couldn't. I was afraid... Not of what you said, or of what I felt, but because for the first time, I realised just how badly screwed up I am. I wanted to do this, to be an 'us', not just a you and me, and I was afraid that if I let it happen before I was ready, it would crash and burn. I want us so badly I wasn't willing to risk blowing it..." Relief washed through Castle, leaving behind a rising sense of euphoria. Still, he needed to make sure she was talking about what he hoped she was talking about. Almost afraid to burst the bubble, he braced himself, hating that he needed to know, for his sake, and for hers. Gently, he asked,
"So what changed, Kate? You seemed pretty determined, when we spoke about it at the swings. Not that I am complaining, far from it, but what happened? Are you sure it's what you want?" Beckett knew what he was not asking very loudly, and knew why. She chuckled inwardly, still astounded after all this time that he could read her subtext so well. She leaned fractionally closer to him, finally letting feelings show on her face fully, her smile soft and relaxed, her eyes sparkling in the subdued light.
"I realised that even after everything we've been through, you're still there. Then I thought about how I'd feel if something happened to either of us before we caught my mother's killer. I couldn't stand the thought of losing so much time, so many memories we might have had. Walls or not, Castle, the heart wants what the heart wants. I care more about you than any guy I've ever been with, and we've only kissed once. I don't want to have any regrets, and I think what I'd regret the most is not moving forward with this as much as I can. You deserve everything I have to give Rick..." She paused, her tongue darting out to wet her lips as she went all in, putting all her cards on the table. "I know my heart has walls, and there are bits missing... Would that be enough? Could you settle for that, at least until we solve the case?"
Castle smiled back at her, his eyes filled with love as he reached out and cupped her face tenderly with one hand. His voice soft and throbbing with pent up emotion, he spoke.
"Katherine Beckett, my heart has a few dents, but you've had it for a while now. I would be honoured if you would hang onto it until we can get those walls down, and see what happens after that." The magnetic pull between then intensified the air crackling. Slowly, inexorably, he leaned into her, their breaths mingling. Noses just touching, he whispered "Just so we're clear on it, I love you, you know..."
Raising her hand and trailing the tips of her fingers down his jaw, Kate nuzzled the tip of his nose with her own. "I love you too... just so we're clear." Their lips met softly, both content to relax into the kiss slowly, lazily. Gradually it deepened, Kate's tongue gently demanding entrance to his mouth as his fingers threaded through her hair. A small moan spilled from her as Rick clenched his hands, firmly but not roughly as he asserted a measure of control.
Heat spreading through them like a flame in dry tinder, Kate ran one hand down his chest and raised one leg up and across his thighs. Fisting the soft material of his shirt as she nipped at his bottom lip, she held his lip between her teeth as she pulled back slightly, watching as his eyes darkened with lust. In control once more, she felt the need for an amount of payback. He'd already managed to pull a small moan of pleasure from her with just a kiss, and not for the first time, she recalled.
Time to even the score... She thought, a tingle pooling low in her stomach. Tensing her leg, she hooked her heel in behind his calf muscles and pulled, sliding herself across the couch in a single, fluid move, straddling him. Running her hands through his hair like she had ached to do for longer than she cared to admit, Beckett gripped his hair hard as she shifted her weight onto her knees, sliding up his thighs and rocking her hips down onto his growing arousal. A rumbling growl made its way from him as she dipped her head forward, swallowing the noise with her mouth. Far from content to let her be in complete control, Rick slid one hand up her thigh, caressing the small of her back, fingers teasing their way under the bottom of her shirt, drawing feather-light circles with his fingernails. The contrast between that and the insistent way his other hand gripped her hair as he broke the kiss and tilted her head to one side, nibbling his way from her swollen lips, across her jaw, his tongue teasing her earlobe briefly before placing a wet, sucking kiss just under her ear, teeth grazing the skin set her brain on fire.
Panting slightly, Kate let out a soft moan as her skin tingled at the feel of his teeth on her skin. Arching her neck into his mouth, she placed both of her hands on the back of the couch, using the extra leverage to push down as she ground her hips into him, the heat from her core spreading between them.
Castle slid his hand down her back, his fingers deftly easing their way under her panties, marvelling in the feel of her as the delicious curve of her naked ass filled his hand. Cupping her, he pulled her into him, hips rocking as he continued his torture of her neck. Nipping a wet path down her neck, he smiled against her skin, the combination of the taste of her on his tongue, the cherry scent of her hair as it spilled around their faces filled his senses.
Gripping the back of his head with one hand, Beckett pressed his face closer to her, wordlessly urging, needing more. Only too happy to comply, he opened his mouth, tongue teasing lightly as he spread his lips against her. Sucking hard where her neck met her shoulder, he let his teeth meet her delicate skin. The sudden firmness of his bite exactly what she needed, Kate held his head in place as he growled, a rumbling, primal sound. The vibrations sending shudders down to her feet, she writhed against his body for a moment. Pulling free, her breath ragged, she ran her fingers lightly across his lips before deftly slipping open the top few buttons of his shirt. Maintaining her momentum, she rocked back on her heels and stood, grabbing the hand that slipped free of her panties and pulling him up after her.
A wicked grin on her lips, hair thoroughly mussed, she turned and made her way to the bedroom, hips swinging as she looked back at him over her shoulder.
"You coming, Rick?" She asked, her voice laden with promise. Anything other than wordless agreement impossible, Rick followed. The door closing firmly behind them, Beckett's voice carried clearly through the apartment. "You know that gun I keep threatening you with if your hands wander? It'll get used if you even consider keeping them to yourself, mister..."
A/N: and there we have it folks... possibly the longest short one-shot I've written to date :-P I do plan on doing another chapter /sequel / whatever down the track, but I'm pretty sure you would all prfer me to actually write the next chapter of Layers, yeah? anyway, reviews/feedback would be much appreciated!