The New Me

"When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves." -Victor Frank

As I looked out the window I couldn't help but not feel like myself. Well it could be the new clothes, hair, contacts, makeup, and shoes. I have a good reason for this though. I can start over, a new beginning. I just have to keep it together and no one will know.

"Okay we're almost there, Sweetie!" my mom said to me. She seemed to be actually excited that I'm going to a boarding school. I thought when I told her I wanted to go to Brooksville that she would pitch a fit and refuse to take me. She proved me wrong. She especially proved me wrong when I told her I just wanted to fly, but she said that since we wouldn't see each other until Christmas Break, she wanted to have one last road trip with me.

I replied, "Cool." I paused for a moment then continued, "Hey Mom, how long do we have left?"

"Umm…about fifteen to twenty five minutes. Why? Are you nervous about your first day at Brooksville?"

"Well since I don't know anybody there I would have to say yes."

I lied to her. I'm not nervous at all. In fact, I'm glad nobody knows me. That's why I picked WestWick; it's on the other side of the country. I told my mom I'm going to Brooksville, but I am really going to WestWick. That is the only place where I can start over.

"Don't worry, Jessica. They will love you. Especially with your new hair! I thought you looked great as a blonde, but to be honest you look better as a brunette. And those blue eye contacts, makes your eyes pop." She passed by a police car and slowed down a little bit. "Now if you ever need anything, anything at all, just let me know and I will be on the next flight." She paused for a few seconds. I was trying to see or hear what she was doing, but I could only hear one thing; and I had to be wrong. She would never—then I heard it.

Oh my gosh, was she crying? Like actual, real, non-fake tears? I have only seen her cry one other time in my life before. But I can't think about that, I won't let myself.

It's okay, Jessica. This is why you're doing all of this. This is the only way to get your life back to normal.

"Mom. . .are you okay?"

"I'm fine. I am totally fine." I could barely hear her through her tears. But, as usual, she tried to hide her emotions. That's what lawyers did, right? They try to hide their emotions so the jury can't see how they feel about their client. She was still my mom though. My crazy, tempered mom. I think I'm actually going to miss her.

No! I can't miss her. I am never going to see her again. I won't let myself miss her.

I took a deep breath; I was about to ask her for a serious favor. This was the last step to my new life. But little did she know that as soon as I stepped out of this car, I would take a cab to the train station and head to WestWick. I would also change my e-mail and my cell phone number. I had to incase she ever found out what I did.

"Hey mom, since so much has happened to us in the past few months…" Or you, things just happened to you. But I had to make her think I was sad. "I mean the whole thing with dad and Trey-"

"What's your point?"

"All I was trying to say was that I got a total makeover. I changed my hair color, I got blue eyes, and I totally changed myself. I think I should change my name. Now before you freak out I don't want to do it legally," Yes I do, even if you say no, I am so doing it. "I mean all you have to do is call me by that name. I would tell the people and my teachers at Brooksville my fake name. So, what do you think?" I was just waiting for another panic attack.

"I think it's a great idea, honey. What name did you have in mind?" OMG. I was screaming inside, I was so happy.

Was she for real? Wait a minute, she is never this nice. There has to be a catch.

Mom continued, "To me, you look like a Caitlin. And just to remind you I could say no to your whole name-changing idea. So if I were you, I would stick with Caitlin." She said it matter-of-factly. I hated when she did that.

"I think Caitlin is a great name." I couldn't help but smile when I said that.

"That's great, Jess—I mean Caitlin. So anyways we have about ten minutes left. I'll let you just relax."

"Thanks," I said sarcastically. Whenever she said "I will let you relax" that's code for: I can't handle this, I'm about to break down.

I looked to my side and I completely forgot about my purse. Every time I look at it I laugh to myself. Nobody in Salem had a Gucci purse. Mine was light brown with a dark brown handle. It had a giant G in the center. Everyone back home was super jealous. One time my ex-boyfriend, Jake Brian, saw it when we were making out and he tried to take it from me. He wanted to sell it. And why wouldn't he? It was worth more than his entire baseball collection.

In the corner of my eye, I saw my journal sticking out of my purse. I teared up at the sight of it. That one, tiny, mini notebook contained my darkest secrets. My dad gave it to me when I was just ten, I barely used it then, but when I was 14 I just wrote in it. I really started to use it when I had confessions to make. I couldn't tell anyone else, so I just wrote it down. I write in it once a week now. I flipped my pink journal open to the last page I wrote in and I read it to myself:

Dear Journal,

Today was the day I broke up with Bryce. In fact, I just broke up with him. I hated to do it, but I had to after he told me his dad was a cop. Nobody in my past life could know where I am going. I am very happy to be going to WestWick. The only thing I hate about the school is that it has uniforms...which is totally gross. I am not going to miss my mom. Enough of that though, exactly one week from today it will be my first week at WestWick. My mom gave me 1000 dollars to start with. That's a good thing because the train to WestWick from Brooksville was about 200 dollars, not including taxi money. And starting next month, she will be sending me 100 dollars a week as an allowance. I cant wait to start my new life. . .well I guess you cant call it new if you have started over once already. But whatever, write to you soon!

-xoxo

I read that three times. Every single time I read it I think of my Dad, Karen and Trey. I found myself trembling.

"Caitlin, we're here! Oh my gosh this campus is amazing! But wait, It said in the review you showed me that they had uniforms…the kids aren't wearing uniforms."

Crap! Crap, Crap, Crap! Did I accidentally show her the WestWick review. I had to…WestWick had uniforms, not Brooksville. It's gonna be okay Jessica. Just think of something…

"They do have uniforms, Mom. Today isn't actually the first day of school, tomorrow is. So we don't have to wear them until tomorrow. So just stop freaking out." I hope she believes that. My life literally depends on if she believes my lie or not.

"Okay, whatever you say, Caitlin. So do you want any help finding anything or unpacking your-"

"No!" She could not come in with me because then she would know I wasn't enrolled in Brooksville. "No, its fine, Mom. I don't need any help. Thank you though."

She replied slowly, "Okay. That's fine." Great…here come the tears. "Sweetie I am going to miss you so, so, so, so much! I can't tell you how sorry I am for everything I've done this past year. I mean with everything that has happened to you, I thought that was my fault. Then with everything with your dad and Trey…I just…"

She started crying big time now. Wait a minute, did she just say "I thought that was my fault"! Oh my gosh! How could she say that! I'm glad that I am leaving her, she deserves it! Okay now I am mad!

"How could you even say that! What you think it's MY fault! How could you possibly think that? Bryce loved dad-"

She interrupted me, "Don't you dare mention that boy to me!"

We were both screaming and arguing for three minutes until I finally just got up and left without a simple good-bye.

She rolled down her window and yelled, "You can forget about your allowance for the first semester! And if you make one C…just one I will come up here and talk to the headmaster."

She would not do that. I know that. So I just decided to walk away and ignore her. I walked around the street corner and waited until I heard her obnoxious Mustang drive off.

Five minutes past and she just now left. Lucky for me I still had the weekend to get to WestWick, which was good because it was on the other side of Massachusetts and I still had to go to the DMV and get my new driver's license with my new name. I guess I was just lucky because Brooksville started a week before WestWick did.

I stood on the street corner saying it over and over again in my head, "Hello, my name is Stephanie Peterson."

I could not mess this up. I was no longer a Jessica which I was for almost seventeen years. Or a Caitlin which I was for about twenty minutes. If I mess this up then my life would be over. This is the new me. There is no turning back now.