Assumptions

Shepard was tired. It had been a long, hard, frankly impossible day and it really should be over with. She still had the Council to contact, however. As little as she was looking forward to their continued disbelief and negativity she knew she couldn't afford to alienate them any further than she had to with her insistence that the Reapers were out to destroy them all. They were going to hear about Virmire sooner or later and she'd rather it be from her and not Kirrahe.

But she was tired. And Ashley Williams was dead. But the crew needed reassurance. Kaidan needed help dealing with the fact that it had been him or her and he was still sitting here while Williams was no more. Well if he needed reassurance then how did he think she felt? She had been the one to have to choose between them. All Kaidan had done was protest, like Williams had protested, that the other be saved and got on the ship when it appeared above him. Why wouldn't he have? Refusing to be saved would only make Williams' death worse and the reason they couldn't save both had been an issue of time and not of space or weight or law.

She was tired but she was the commander and there were miles to go before she could sleep.

"I can't believe that Ash didn't make it. How could we just leave her down there?" Kaidan asked numbly.

The answer was obvious, of course. They left her down there because the Normandy just barely managed to escape from the explosion itself. They left her there because there was no other option. But Kaidan knew that and being reminded wouldn't help him.

"Williams knew the risks going in," Shepard said instead. The aphorisms felt like ash on her tongue. "She gave her life to save the rest of us."

Kaidan didn't want to let it go. "But why me? Why not her?"

Shepard wasn't sure what he wanted to hear. Did he have this masochistic need to blame himself for her death, for being too close to Shepard for her to have ever chosen anyone else? Or did he want to be promised that that had nothing to do with it? "I'm sorry, Kaidan. I had to make a choice and it was you or her."

"I know," Kaidan said, nodding. His voice softened. "And I am grateful. But Ash died because of me. Because of us."

Was that how he really saw it? Was that how everyone else saw it? Would she now, for the rest of her life, have to face accusations in every stare about how she let Ashley Williams die because she wanted to save her precious boyfriend? How could he trivialize it so? How could he honestly believe that she would let someone die because of her gooey feelings and that she couldn't put her heart aside to make the hard choices? What kind of a commander would she be if that were the case? Oh, what he must think of her.

Shepard's face hardened and she stood up. "Kaidan, I understand you're hurting and trying to make sense of what happened. I sort of feel like I shouldn't say what I'm about to say but, what the hell, I lost Ash, too. Can you please get over yourself?"

Kaidan blinked and drew back. "I'm sorry, what?"

"Get over yourself," Shepard repeated, not budging an inch. She wasn't trying to be cruel but she didn't know how else to say it and it was something that had to be said. Sometimes the better words just wouldn't come and she trusted he'd understand that, at least, even if he couldn't understand the more important points. "How dare you come here and tell me that I let Ash die because I love you. Kaidan, we're not even dating."

"I know we're not," Kaidan said defensively. "But are you really telling me that your feelings for me had nothing to do with why I'm here and she's not? Can you honestly do that?"

Shepard through back her head and huffed in annoyance. "Can I say that it had literally nothing to do with it? How could I possibly make that claim? I don't believe so but who knows what subconsciously effects our decisions? If I had a thing for Ash would she be here? I certainly hope not. If I went for Liara instead how do you think I would have chosen? By which one of you I, platonically, liked better or would I have been reduced to an eenie meenie minie moe sort of situation?"

Kaidan held up a hand to calm her and stood up as well. "Hey, I'm not trying to insult you here-"

"Well you did," Shepard snapped. "This was the most difficult decision I've ever had to make and damn you for just deciding it was about my feelings for you."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that," Kaidan apologized. "But what else was I supposed to think? I don't know what goes on in your head. All I know is that when it became clear that you could only save one of us, I knew you'd save me. And you did. Maybe I was wrong about the why but I certainly believed it."

"You could try asking," Shepard said icily.

"Shepard, why did you save me?"

"It made sense. You're a Staff Lieutenant and Williams was a Gunnery Chief," Shepard said as neutrally as she could. "It makes sense to save the higher ranking officer. It's why if literally anybody on this ship had to choose between me and a private I'd be picked every time. Don't pretend that you don't know that that's true."

Kaidan ducked his head. "It might be true."

"You're a biotic. Human biotics are very rare and Liara's the only other biotic we've got. She's not Alliance, though, and I can't see her sticking around when this mission is over. The Alliance needs you, Kaidan," Shepard said firmly. "And if we lose any more crew members I don't want us to be stuck with no biotics. Besides, I'm still not sure how much I trust Liara. And yes, I know, you trust her. You think she's a good sort. She hasn't done anything to sabotage us. But this thing with her mother…I'm still not convinced. We'll see what happens there. Ashley was a good soldier but she was never going to be as valuable as a biotic. Hell, I'm not as valuable as a biotic if you don't count the fact that I'm a Spectre and that was just never going to happen for her so that's not even me looking down on her. The Alliance was never going to get past her grandfather making a perfectly reasonable military decision decades ago and let her realize her full potential like they'll let people like you and me."

"Maybe if she survived this mission they would have," Kaidan murmured.

Shepard threw her hands in the air. "Who knows? She could have been the next human Spectre. Maybe you'll be one. Maybe they'll finally give Anderson his due or Udina will pull some strings and get the equivalent of diplomatic immunity on steroids. It doesn't matter because I don't believe that it would have happened for Williams and that future is closed to us now either way. And as much as I don't want to say this, part of the reason I left her behind was because she set the bomb."

Kaidan frowned. "I don't understand. Did you think going back to the bomb site would jeopardize the Normandy's chances of escaping it?"

"No, it's not that," Shepard said slowly. "But I'm uncertain how to say it without sounding like I'm victim blaming. I don't blame Ash for what happened, I really don't. I blame Saren and the geth. And if Saren hadn't come and shot at me and I hadn't had to waste time trying to convince an indoctrinated man that he is, in fact, indoctrinated and being an idiot then maybe I would have had time to save everyone."

"What?" Kaidan asked. "I promise I won't judge you, Commander."

"Ash set the bomb. You called for aid and she told me to go rescue you while she was doing that. It made sense. We couldn't leave until she was done anyway and so I might as well get you so we wouldn't have to go back for you once the bomb was ready to detonate," Shepard explained. "She told me that the geth were attacking her. The geth were attacking you, too. I told her not to set the bomb but she did it anyway."

"Ash didn't want to die and she certainly didn't want to endanger the mission," Kaidan objected. "She didn't detonate early to be difficult. She was under attack and worried she would be killed and couldn't afford to not be able to detonate it at all."

"I know all of that," Shepard agreed. "See what I just said about victim blaming? But the fact remains that she was the reason that we even had to choose and so part of me decided against choosing her for that reason. And then there's the fact that she was all alone whereas you were with all the Salarians. I could save one life or I could save a lot more. Captain Kirrahe and all of his men are alive because I went for you and not her. If we want to play the numbers game I made the right call."

"It still wasn't her fault."

"And if I could have saved her I would have," Shepard said. "I didn't have a lot of time to decide, Kaidan. If I had enough time to sit down and make a list then I would have had enough time to save you both. But every way I looked at it, I was being hit over the head with why saving you was a better choice. Literally the only reason I had for saving Ashley over you would be the fact that she has three sisters and you're an only child. I think you still have parents but…I don't know if it's the same. It might actually be worse for parents. I don't know what it's like to have a family and you've never mentioned yours while Ash kept telling me all about her family. I don't know which of you has more friends but I just kept thinking about her three little sisters. But that wouldn't be any more rational of a decision than me choosing to save you because I like you."

"I wasn't trying to dismiss it or trivialize it," Kaidan said gently. "This was a case where you had to choose which of two people was going to live or die. It's okay if you decided based on personal feelings."

"But I didn't," Shepard said quietly. "I wouldn't. Maybe that's okay for you and maybe it's okay for everybody else in the galaxy but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if that's what I did. I'll admit, you do mean more to me than Ash and she was a friend. But I just got lucky that the right choice and the choice I wanted happened to be the same. If the numbers added up and pointed to Ash being the right choice to save then I would have let you die. I…hope I'm not upsetting you with that but it's true and maybe you can stop worrying that you did anything wrong."

"I understand, I do, and you're right, I do feel better," Kaidan said, taking her hand. "I wouldn't call you lucky in that you had to make that decision in the first place. If it had been me…well I would have picked you, too. But I can't claim it would have been a strictly professional decision. You do mean a great deal to me, Shepard."

"I know. And we'll have time for that eventually assuming we don't end up like Ash did," Shepard said wearily. "In the meantime…there's just…"

Kaidan nodded. "Yeah. There is."

"I'm going to call the Council," Shepard said. "They should know what happened here. And then I'm going to try to write a letter to Ash's family."

"I'll be here if you need me," Kaidan said, releasing her hand and stepping back.

"I'm counting on it."