The Toilet Paper Hater's Club Chapter 1: Enter the TPHC, a yu yu hakusho fanfic

Disclaimer: I don't own anything; I don't hold any claim to Yu Yu Hakusho, any of the characters mentioned within the story, or any of the random items which seem to appear throughout the story. However, I do stake claim to the "Toilet Paper Hater's Club", since it's my half-baked idea.

Author's Note: Okay you guys, listen up! I did create this idea about a year back, and had most it typed out in a script form. I'm just now getting around to writing it into story format. For anyone who likes madness, insanity and a good laugh, read this immediately!

Then, leave me tons of fabulous reviews!

Chapter I: Enter the TPHC

"I call the bathroom!"

There was a wild fumbling for keys, as Marori stood on her front porch, doing what is often known as the "Potty Dance". It had been a long car ride home from the restaurant, and the six glasses of iced tea she had gulped down finally seemed to have caught up with her.

"Hurry!" she whined pitifully. "I've really gotta go!"

At last, a soft click was heard, signifying that the lock had given way. The door was quickly flung open as the teenage girl lunged headlong into the house, hastily scaling the fleet of carpeted stairs. Turning the corner sharply, the tall brunette halted just outside her bathroom door. A light was visible in the narrow space beneath the door. Normally, she would have assumed that someone was in her bathroom, which would certainly mean death to the guilty party, however, with the sense of desperation mounting ever higher; Marori grasped the doorknob and turned...

Before she was even able to fully open the door, a hand reached out and wrenched her into the small bathroom, slamming the door shut.

"Welcome to our top-secret headquarters!"

The less than spacious bathroom, which had once been decorated with floral borders and portraits of scenery, was now unrecognizable. The mirror was now covered with hundreds of tiny sticky notes, the sink was filled past capacity with paperwork, and the shower curtain had been ripped from the rod, and was now draped about the man who had pulled her inside.

"What's going on here?!" the girl asked, her eyes widening in shock at the sight of her bathroom.

"Prepare to enter the realm of the Toilet Paper Hater's Club!" announced a voice, which bore a close resemblance to that of an incessantly cheerful tour guide. The speaker was a silver haired man, whose head grazed the ceiling. Interestingly enough, he wore nothing, save for the aforementioned shower curtain, which was tied about his lean body as if it were a toga. "Allow myself, and my associate, Hiei, to arrange your initiation to this fine organization!"

A second, much shorter man sat inside the empty bathtub, his black hair flattened unevenly by what appeared to be a hotdog shaped hat.

"Hn. As the Vice President of the Toilet Paper Haters Club, or the TPHC, I feel it is my duty to inform you of its complicated rules and regulations. They are as follows; rule number one: We hate toilet paper, and therefore, so should you. Rule number two: We really hate toilet paper." Pausing momentarily, the black-clad demon glanced at his commander-in-chief. "They really aren't that complicated are they?"

"Never-the-less," the amber eyed youkaii interjected, "those are the rules. If you should fail to live up to our strict expectations, severe consequences will result!"

There was a vehement shout from Hiei, as he jumped to his nimble feet, laughing maniacally. "Yes! Death by dust bunnies!"

Nodding fervently and smirking, Yoko Kurama held up a hand. "We have our connections. Now, on to the history of the club! Please fill her in, Jim, since it is your sworn duty as historian!"

Atop the white porcelain toilet, resided a small brown, and rather hairy coconut. A pair of sunglasses was taped to what must have been the "face". The coconut remained absolutely still, never moving in the least.

"Wise words those are!" Hiei praised, falling to his knees and bowing before the coconut.

Acting as the mediator, the toga-wearing fox demon gestured towards Jim. "For those who do not speak fluent Coconian, the majestic language of the coconut, we shall translate."

Again, only silence was emitted from the motionless fruit.

"Jim states that this wonderfully organized organization began as a result of violent attacks by several anonymous rolls of toilet paper."

"I was an innocent victim," simpered Hiei melodramatically. "I was completely unsuspecting!"

"And, as it turns out, we have some astounding footage of this grisly incident!"

Puzzled, Hiei watched as his comrade set up a small video projector, turned out the lights, and cued up the film. On the tile wall of the shower, images of horror were visible.

An image of Hiei, who had been chibitized for additional sympathetic support from the masses, sitting on the toilet appeared, his pants around his ankles. A large newspaper was clutched in his unnaturally small hands, the headline reading: ADULT DIAPER SELLS SKYROCKET! While reading the article with peculiar interest, a faint humming of "Yankee Doodle" is heard, as his feet kick idly back and forth.

After several seconds, he reaches out blindly for the toilet paper – and missed. He then fell onto the cold floor, sending the roll of toilet paper flying through the air, and into the toilet. Unexpectedly, the toilet managed to flush itself, pulling Hiei into the toilet.

The film ended, and Hiei switched the lights back on. "I was utterly traumatized after the incident, so I went in search of someone who shared my horrors of toilet paper. By a stroke of fate, I discovered that Yoko Kurama here was beginning an organization to help the under-privileged victims of related toilet paper incidents."

With the conclusion of Hiei's speech, Jim the Coconut rolled slightly to his side, a sympathetic silence filling the air. All this time, Marori had remained silent, struggling between having pity for the creatures, and debating whether they were clinically insane.

"I was also a victim of the toilet paper industry," the kitsune explained, changing reels in the projector, turning off the lights, and pressing play. "I gladly share my story with you to inform you for what can occur in your own bathroom."

In the projection, Yoko Kurama, having just been appointed a muse to an aspiring writer, is seen heading towards the restroom after a long, drawn out game of tag. His mistress, who assumed he was safe on his own, took a seat at her computer.

Suddenly, a yell issued from the bathroom, catching the girl off-guard. Concerned for her muse, she leapt up from her seat, and rushed into the bathroom, her katana drawn. The terrors within would haunt her for several minutes to come.

The tall youkaii lay on the floor, wrapped in a constricting cocoon of soggy toilet paper. His arms and legs were flailing helplessly in attempts to break the steel-like hold. Only after having his mistress cut him free, did he regain partial sanity.

The short film ended, and Yoko Kurama began speaking once again. "I was forced to be sent to the hospital for several lacerations and a concussion. I haven't been the same since."

"I feel you man," Hiei reassured him, nodding empathetically.

"That having happened, I filed a suit against the toilet paper company for harassment. I lost the case after a man carrying a roll to the stand, in order to testify, walked too close and I was forced to be removed from the court room. However, I now aim to inform the general public of the dangers of using toilet paper."

Wordlessly, Jim rolled onto his other side, the sunglasses catching a glare from the lights.

"Now that you know our secrets," Hiei stated, grinning insanely, "you have only two choices. You may join our organization and help to spread the word of the TPHC, or you must be disposed of. It's your choice."

Taken aback, Marori blinked. "I guess I'll have to join."

"Wise choice," agreed Yoko, taking her arm. "Now, we're off to gather our legion of toilet paper hating minions!"

In one flourishing motion, Hiei scooped up Jim the Coconut, grabbed Yoko Kurama's arm, who in turn held Marori's. He then used his impressive speed to dart down the stairs, the others clinging on for dear life, out the door, and down the street. All the time, the two demons were shouting the club motto.

"WE HATE TOILET PAPER! YES WE DO! WE HATE TOILET PAPER! HOW ABOUT YOU? SPARE THE INNOCENT!"

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Chapter Note: Well, ladies and gentlemen, that was the first chapter of "The Toilet Paper Hater's Club". Now, all you have to do is hit the 'Submit Review' button and leave me some comments, if you want to see the rest of the story!