Kirin's Gate? Superdy Crap Damn!
Disclaimer: I do not own Xiaolin Showdown but if I did it would still be on the air and Chase and Jack would be together just for Crystallicsky's sake…oh and Le Mime would kill the monks. Just 'cause and Omi would die first because he's a giant cheeseball.
Notes: Okay this is the first story I am totally finishing definitely. Really.
"The Kirin's Gate has just activated, I can just feel it; this is a big one!" explained Dojo, rubbing his fingers across his scaly temple.
"That's what she said. Woo!" said Raimundo pumping his hand up in the air as he knelt on the floor, scrubbing it vigorously. "Let's go get this sucker and maybe pop a cap in one of those Heylin's asses." Always being the most bold (and least intelligent) of the Xiaolin monks, he was always ready to jump right into battle without any regard as to the situation of said battle.
"Yes, Raimundo, let us go to the Shen Gong Wu with our housie-Q's in the bad neighborhood of the metropolitan area! Where is this She Gong Wu located?" the yellow Xiaolin monk who couldn't use slang to save his life (or to get out of a paper bag, but who's asking?) questioned, balancing on one foot as he also engaged in cleaning the temple.
"I hope it's not as hard to get as the last one." said Clay leaning over his broom, "That one was as hard as a bunny without a mate in the middle of April."
"Gosh, Clay," chastised Kimiko, making tea for everyone in a large pot with her hair currently in a green bowl cut, "do you have to be such a vulgar pervert with your phrases? I swear, every time you say something it's either nasty or annoying."
"Like your face!" Raimundo interjected childishly, finishing his washing and walking towards Dojo. "So where is this Wu, anyhow? Bottom of a volcano? Top of a sub-zero mountain? 10,000 leagues under the sea? It's usually someplace like that." He made the proper hand movements with these words miming a volcano spewing lava, the triangular shape of a mountain, and then movement of waves with his digits.
"No…" Dojo replied, tone hesitant and sheepish, "this time it's a little more complicated than that. It's worse than any of those places." Dojo transformed into his giant dragon form, allowing the monks to climb on top of his back. The monks looked puzzled, and Raimundo asked, "What could possibly be worse than all of those places?"
"I've got a Shen Gong Wu, and I ain't gonna share it with no one." Jack Spicer chimed in a sing-songy voice as he scoured his house for the Kirin's gate, which his scanners had told him was currently residing somewhere in his vast mansion.
His search continued, a smile on his face and a spring in his step, but before long (all of two minutes) he had a frustrated scowl on his face as he furiously tore apart his house looking for it. "Why the hell is it that whenever my mom makes the scantily-clad male maid clean the house after he fucks her, that I can't find anything?! Jack-bots, attack!" He paused upon realizing the uselessness of his command before amending, "…I mean, Jack-bots, tear the fucking place apart until you find the damn Shen Gong Wu!" Jack threw apart his closet doors, searching through all of the trench coats, only to come up with five bucks, three dimes, and the Monkey Staff. "Huh. I wondered where I put that." But still, it was not the desired Wu. His Jack-bots were just tearing up sheets of paper and ripping pillows in half, causing Jack to mutter to himself, "Dumbass programming. I totally have to revamp their circuitry to be less literal."
Right as Jack was plucking the maid's thong out of the freezer (where he had decided to check for the Wu), a look of disgust on his face and the skimpy article of clothing held as far away from him as possible with as little of his personal contact with it as possible, Dojo burst through the nearest wall, the Xiaolin monks he carried prepared for battle.
Clay looked excited, Omi looked bored (he was such a marvelous fighter, why should he even try to be ready for such an unintimidating foe as Jack Spicer?), Kimiko had her headphones on full-blast (probably listening to Celine Dion or some other similar music artist), and Raimundo looked like he was about to have a Showdown-gasm at any moment.
"Fuck!" Jack cursed loudly, "The one time that I have a Shen Gong Wu practically in my pocket, I can't find the damn thing! And now I have to explain to my fucking parents how we have to get a fucking new wall again! This has gotta be, like, the sixth time this fucking week!" The teen's tone had become an exasperated shriek as his arms conveyed his emphatic emotions, but he soon came down from the fit and into a mild depression, slinking over to the corner of the room and whimpering dejectedly.
"Just foot over the Wu, Jack Spicer, and we will not have to punch your buttocks!" Omi demanded, his face screwing up in concentration of getting the slang right (which was obviously a wasted effort, and did little for his already-less-than-handsome face).
The sentence nearly instantly compelled Jack to stand from his corner, stomp over towards the short, yellow monk and smack him upside the head. "What the fuck?! It's 'hand over' and 'kick your ass'. Maybe if you'd go the hell outside more fucking often and maybe went to a fucking school, you would know these things, but no, you have to go all googly-eyed over being a Xiaolin monk and being the greatest warrior in the fucking world, and you can't even do that right, you loser!"
"You don't have to swear so much Jack. It's degrading and it makes you look like an idiot, not that you needed any help in that field." Kimiko sneered (annoying as usual) expecting tog get a rise from the goth but was surprised at his monotonic response.
"And you, Kimiko, don't have to be such a heinous bitch all the time, nagging and heckling everybody that doesn't change their haircut everyday of the fucking week and doesn't listen to Ashley Simpson 24/7. Why don't you and Raimundo just go have sex with each while deep down, he knows a flat-chested bitch like you could never please him, so he thinks about Chase Young instead 'cause his hair is prettier than you'll ever be?"
"What's being said about me without my presence, Spicer, you insolent worm?" Chase's smooth voice spoke as he entered the room, an aura of pure darkness emanating from every pore of his being.
"That there Shen Gong Wu is mine!" screamed Hannibal Bean as he swung into the room.
"No," Wuya screeched, "the Shen Gong Wu belongs to me!" Raimundo's heart beat faster at the sight of her, a medium-sized puddle of drool forming on the floor.
Le Mime then walked into the room, everyone going completely silent as he happily waved hello to everyone with a smile on his face.
"What the hell are you doing here, Le Mime?" said Jack, tossing the thing (there was no way he was human) a weirded-out look. Le Mime merely shrugged his shoulders as he joined the line of villains.
"Well, since we're all here," said Chase Young, mildly annoyed at the exponential decrease of villains within the space of a thousand years, "you might as well show yourself as well, Katnappe."
"Aww…" sulked Katnappe, doing a flip as she removed her claws from the ceiling and jumped down to join everyone else, "you let the cat out of the bag."
"Well…" prompted Jack, one arm by his side, the other nervously rubbing at it, "anyone have any ideas where we can find that Shen Gong Wu? 'Cause if we can't even find it, nobody's getting it, and I can just look for it at my own pace once you leave."
Immediately, both villains and monks began posing places where the Shen Gong Wu might be.
"In the sock drawer?"
"The lab?"
"…" (from Le Mime, of course)
"Where you keep your porn?"
"In the medicine cabinet?"
"In the kitty litter box?"
"He doesn't have a cat, you Catwoman wannabe!"
"Well…shut up!"
"Underneath the bed?"
"Of course!" exclaimed Jack smacking himself in the forehead. "It would have obviously been in the last place I looked! Well, god, I hope so; I would assume I'd stop looking for it after I find the damn thing. But anyways, since it's supposed to be in the last place I looked and I knew that, I should have looked there first. …wait…what?" He nonetheless shook off his confusion and shoved his bed away, practically collapsing to the floor to get to the unicorn/dragon-shaped object along with everyone else.
"I challenge you to a Xiaolin Showdown!" everyone shouted (save for Le Mime) in unison, each present having a finger on the Wu.
"Damn" they said in unison again, (save for Le Mime) aggravated at the prospect of a ten-way Showdown.
Realizing that they had spoken all at the same time, they all exclaimed, "Stop that!" simultaneously in annoyance (save for, of course, Le Mime).
A/N: Okay, this story is going to go somewhere. In fact its going to go a lot of places because the Kirins horn is Superdy awesome. Um explanation on the title. I was playing a video game (Kingdom Hearts 2) and talking on the phone at the same time (Crystallicsky) (I know I know unplug me) and so something unexpected happened and I just blurted out "Oh Superdy Crap Damn" so yeah. So Jack Spicer and Chase Young and High School Musical (?) in the next chap so stay tuned. "In case your wondering im the same Matt that helps crystal on her Anthology of Love or as I say Anthology of Looooovvveeee. Kay Bye. Le Mime is my favorite obviously and my OTP is Le Mime/Gigi (crack pairing)