Kon wasn't really sure how or when is started, or maybe he was… it was complicated. As far a she knew the team was finally settling onto itself and Superman was finally acknowledging him – had even given him a name – and then, out of nowhere, Robin had decided he didn't want to be Robin anymore and he left and Kaldur was hanging around with a girl and Roy was sneaking around with Artemis' sister and everything seemed so different and he didn't like it.
Finally, M'gann betrayed him in the most unthinkable way, in was Kon only thought Luthor capable of and the young clone found himself doubting his own identity, his very grasp of reality up until that point.
So he did the only thing he could do.
He collapsed.
Thank Rao Clark had been there to catch him on his way to Honolulu – he had always liked the warmed climate – and had dragged him, kicking and screaming to Kansas, to Smallville, to Ma' and Pa'.
Though he was proud to admit he had managed to pierce his ears before he was caught, his own very ridiculous act of rebellion that still made Clark's brows furrow and Ma' sigh in fond exasperation.
Still, with his hands deep in soil, the sun hitting his back until sweat soaked his shirt, Pa's hand on his shoulder and Ma's pie on his stomach, Kon-El began the arduous process of finding whatever part of his shared DNA was actually himself.
And hopefully healing.
Some had called him selfish for ditching the team and his duties. Some had compared him to Robin's ego and Wally's cowardice, some of the new kids scoffed whenever his name was mentioned and loudly expressed their opinion over his choices, fully away his superhearing allowed him to receive such abuse despite the distance, up to the point when he stopped checking on the team and HQ, when he decided he was not going to worry for people who couldn't find it in himself to worry about his well-being.
Well… until Ma' told him he shouldn't, at the very least.
It hurt.
Of that he was sure.
A few years passed.
When he was finally stable enough to return to the team, a somber mood had fallen over HQ. Wally and Artemis were gone, for one, feeling too old to be out in the field, too scared. Kaldur, on the other hand, had turned traitor on them, deciding to join his father – and who would have guessed? Kaldur?. M'gann had a new boyfriend.
Robin was dead.
He hadn't been quite sure what had happened – only that the Robin who had died wasn't the Robin he had worked with, that one was Nightwing now, but his replacement – and that his former teammates were now older and busy training younger counterparts to take their places.
Roy had a clone named 'Arsenal', there was another Robin – a third? –, there was another little Kid Flash – who preferred to go by 'Impulse' and a strange blue-suited kid who spoke to himself a whole lot of the time, and Nightwing was the new leader and advisor.
Kon felt lost, alienated from this new team that was half in awe of his powers and achievements and half too afraid to approach him should they incur in his infamous wrath.
So, without really knowing any other options, he did what he had done in the very beginning, he kept to himself, spent the nights back in Smallville, despite Nightwing's protests, and only came over if his presence was absolutely necessary, which wasn't often.
And, it was due to his self-imposed solitude, that this new revelation of his happened.
He first noticed the new Robin as something other than a replacement of the last two when he came to the realization that he, actually,couldn't notice him at all.
And it was as confusing to explain as it was to experience it. He had grown far too accustomed to Nightwing's overly-eager persona and how he used to barrel his way into Kon's personal space in order to coax him out of his so-called shell, so when he noticed that the new kid walked around on silent feet and usually made sure to be as unobstructive as possible give the chance, the clone didn't know what to think about it.
So he spoke.
"Are you a meta?" he asked one afternoon as the boy glided past him, his eyes widening when the teen squeaked in surprise and fell on his ass. "Are you okay?"
"I… I… yes?" Robin replied, his cheeks flushing a bright red that made his pale face – paler than Nightwing's had been – turn the same shade of his uniform.
Kon nodded.
"So," he repeated. "Are you a meta or not?"
"N-no!" Robin cried, shaking his head. "I'm human!"
The clone frowned.
"But you fly."
"Huh?"
"You float like C-like Superman," the older teen scowled. "There is no other explanation."
Robin frowned.
"Explanation for…" he asked back, tilting his head to the side the same way Wolf did when he was confused.
"You make no sound when you walk," Kon explained, nodding to himself. "You only make a sound when you want to and it's weird."
The color on Robin's cheeks darkened.
"Thank you?"
"It wasn't a compliment," the clone corrected. "It's your power."
"Uh…" Robin hesitated, he did that a lot. "It's not a power… I'm just really quiet."
Kon stared, not satisfied by such answer. There was no way the teen was just a human. There was no human that quiet, it was impossible…
… then again Clark used to say Batman had that ability as well.
He nodded.
"Are you Batman's son?" he asked this time, his curiosity peaked.
Robin stared.
"No?" he said softly. "And before you ask, he's not a meta either. We are just really quiet."
The clone nodded.
Robin hesitated – again.
"Do you… do you really think I'm that quiet?" he asked. "As quiet as Batman?"
"You are," Kon replied, shrugging his shoulders. "It's really weird."
Robin lowered his eyes.
"I'm sorry."
Kon wanted to say something on the face of the other teen's obvious misery. He thought of something M'gann or Nightwing would have said but the thought of them – those who were leaving him behind – left a bitter taste in his mouth.
Ma' told him once nothing could go wrong if he opened his heart and spoke with honesty, and Ma' was seldom wrong, so he decided to be honest this time…
However, as he was opening his mouth to tell Robin not even Nightwing had been that quiet when they met – something that even he could consider high praise – they were rudely interrupted by loud footsteps and the metallic clank of a hand against the doorway.
"Baby Bird?" Roy – the other Roy, the Arsenal Roy – asked as he entered the room. "There you are! You promised we were gonna spar, remember?"
Robin turned, still sitting on the floor, and his eyes visibly widened behind his mask.
"Ah, I was…" he muttered. "Water."
"You were running away," Arsenal leered in a way that made Robin's cheeks regain their red hue and Kon's eyes narrow dangerously despite himself.
"I wasn't!" Robin protested, jumping gracefully to his feet. "I got distracted while talking to Kon-El!"
Kon blinked.
Arsenal stared.
"Who?" he asked.
Robin pointed a hesitant finger towards the clone.
"Superboy?" he asked, and then his finger fell as he realized what he had done. "I … ah! I'm sorry! I didn't mean to presume, but Batman said that was your name and I…"
"It's fine," Kon said, nodding at the smaller teen. "I like my name."
Robin stared at him for a moment, his eyes wide.
Then he smiled, a shy curl to the lips.
Kon felt something inside of him warm up.
Arsenal scowled.
"Stop stalling, Baby Bird!" he protested, pulling the other boy to him by the arm and the scooping him until Robin was draped over his shoulder. "I wanna go kick your ass!"
Robin scowled, crossing his arms over his chest.
"Is this about that Arrow Training versus Bat Training thing again?" he asked, so visibly annoyed Kon was actually surprised. "I told you Batman didn't train me like he trained Nightwing!"
"More the reason to kick that pretty ass of yours to the floor!" Arsenal beamed mockingly, his step light. "Then you'll let me see that doll face you have behind your mask, right?"
"What?!" Robin protested, struggling. "No way!"
Arsenal only replied with a mocking, roaring laugh as he turned the corner and disappeared from sight, Robin still over his shoulder like a captured prey.
Kon felt his clenched fist bend the steel framing of the couch as he tried to control this new, unnamed emotion he was just now discovering.
No one other than Nightwing could make Robin smile, and even that required for the elder hero to practically make a fool of himself to achieve.
But Kon had done it, all on his own.
He had made Robin smile.
Robin had a pretty smile, at that. One that fit his quiet and unobstructive personality.
It was very nice.
And then Roy-clone had to barge in on whatever connection had formed between them – and it had been a connection, something human and empathetic and gentle. Nothing mental or telepathic, not anymore – and taken Robin away for whatever ridiculous contest the Arrows had with the Bats, teasing and leering in that uncomfortable way that reminded Kon of Wally's younger years.
But worse.
It was dirtier, filthy.
It made the warmth inside of Kon slowly simmer into a boil and every single one of his muscles tensed, his vision turning a violent red.
For a moment, he wanted Robin back and Arsenal gone, and the intensity of such emotion frightened him.
Especially when he noticed the newly made scorch marks that now adorned the place Roy had last been standing.
He needed to call Clark.
Impulse had some strange knowledge of the future that made him frightening and dangerous in ways Kon didn't want to consider.
Nightwing seemed amused by his cheerful personality – they were far too similar in Kon's opinion – and the older hero usually encouraged his childish behavior with enthusiasm.
Robin, on the other hand, held a definitive mix of tolerance and wariness for the speedster. He spent time with him when Impulse requested it, and sometimes they could be found engaging in deep conversations about science and technology that made Blue Beetle leave them alone for hours and Kon's ears hurt.
During such conversations Bart would often drape himself over Robin, snuggling into the other boy's personal space. And Robin would be so engrossed in whatever they were doing, that he would absently end up petting Impulse's fluffy hair instead of reacting with his usually shy demeanor.
Kon would have been angry – Clark said it was normal for him to be angry, all the while smiling as if he was the holder of one gigantic secret, the bastard – but he had already seen Arsenal try to get the same petting from the smaller teen, only to be refuted with a squeak of surprise, a colorful curse, and a foot planted on the forehead that left a mark lasting for a day.
The sight had filled him with a satisfaction that had only soured when he realized it meant Impulse was someone special. Someone Robin considered unique.
Like Nightwing.
He felt bitter.
A part of him was acutely aware that his fascination with the younger boy was not normal. The way his eyes would instantly zero-in on his red and black uniform whenever he entered the room, how he was constantly seeking out Robin's heartbeat and reveling in its soothing, steady sound at night.
The beating of Robin's heart was a far better alternative than the static sound of the T.V. he used during the day, anyways. It helped him concentrate, block all other sounds and enjoy silence his power seldom allowed.
Damn, even the fact that Robin always called him by his name Kon-El, instead of Conner – Superman's name instead of M'gann's – made the clone irresistibly intrigued by the lonesome teenager with the silent feet and the shy smile.
"I don't get it," Jaime said one day as he allowed himself to fall on the couch. "Don't you guys want to watch something other than static?"
Kon frowned, not comfortable with the sudden intrusion in his space. He had been spending time alone, so what did Beetle mean with: 'You guys'? Was he talking to the voices in his head again and he just happened to be nearby?
"Superboy uses the sound to block his super-hearing and I don't mind, the white noise helps me concentrate," a soft, shy voice called in a sigh.
The clone blinked, eyes wide as he finally noticed that Robin was sitting in a plush chair to his right, his knees drawn to his chest, his eyes set on the holo-screen of his wrist computer as he read, fingers dancing over the keyboard expertly.
Impulse appeared, holding a bowl of popcorn bigger than his chest.
"You do?" he asked, prompting Superboy to stare at him.
"… I do," he admitted almost too silently.
"That's so crash!" the other teen beamed, dropping himself in the last available single chair in the room.
Blue Beetle scowled, his mouth pursing.
"How did you know?" he asked Robin, leaning closer to the other teen.
Robin flushed.
"I… I just…"
"He's Robin, Bro!" Impulse laughed, eyes wide. "He knows everything!"
Blue Beetle took the challenge immediately.
"Oh really?" he asked. "Then what's my name?"
"Psh! Blue!" Impulse chortled. "We all know your name!"
"Nah!" the other teen laughed, his smile daring. "The whole-"
"Jaime Francisco Reyes Aguilar," Robin whispered softly, his eyes set on the screen.
"…thing…" Jaime finished, shocked. "Holy shit, hermano! Did you just look that up!?"
"Ummm, no?" Robin replied. "I remember it from the time you showed us your driver's license."
"You are very observant," Kon said, feeling emboldened when Robin's attention turned to him.
"Thank you," he said awkwardly. "Though it's not a superpower either."
Kon smiled lightly.
"I'll get you yet," he replied, his lips twitching.
Robin nodded, his own small smile curling his lips.
And yeah, maybe he wasn't petted on the head like Impulse – and he had to admit it looked like something nice to feel, the way Robin's thin fingers carded through his hair – but he still had an ability no one else had.
And he treasured it.