It's happened again.
Once again, I've caused the death of countless innocents and brought destruction in my wake. It was me. I was the one that caused the deaths of 20,000 people that day in Pompeii. Oh God, why didn't I die the day Gallifrey was destroyed? Why do I continue to live and bring devastation and heartache everywhere I go? This curse of being a Time Lord, of knowing that some things in history are set and I cannot change them, no matter how much I want to is more than I can bear sometimes. The way Donna looked at me when I refused to take anyone with me, the hysterical way she was pleading with me to go back, in that moment, I felt like a monster. She finally got through to me and I agreed to go back and get Caecilius and his family. At least I could spare four people the horror of being suffocated by volcanic ash and smoke. It is a small gesture of mercy, but still, it is a hollow gesture compared to the thousands who suffered that terrible day.
And now, I have more deaths on my conscience. Knowing that I was the one who made Vesuvius erupt will haunt me until my dying day. I went back and stayed for Donna's benefit, but also because I needed to. Usually, I just scarper off, not wanting to see the consequences of my actions, but this time I forced myself to stand on that hill and watch with Caecilius's family as their whole world was burned and buried. Forced myself to listen to the echo of hundreds of terrified screams because I wanted to suffer with them. Those poor humans. Men, women, and children who will never see the light of another day, who will never grow old and enjoy the love of their family and friends, who will remained buried under tons of rock-hard volcanic ash for thousands of years until archeologists finally discover them again. Damn the Pyroviles for coming here. Damn them for forcing me to choose between Pompeii and the world. Damn me for allowing Donna to push the lever with me. Now, not only do I have Pompeian blood on my hands, so does she. I know she did it so I couldn't shoulder the blame by myself, but still, I should have stopped her, pushed her away and did it myself. I don't want anyone else to bear my weighty burden, let alone her.
It amazes me that Donna still wants to travel with me now after watching me kill the Racnoss and bring about the destruction of Pompeii. It amazes me that she doesn't think I'm a heartless monster after I took the TARDIS and just left the city to be destroyed. The fact that she practically had to get down on her knees and beg me to save four people oughta be proof of that. But, no, she's staying right by my side. And for that, I'm glad. I see now the wisdom of her words to me that Christmas day, and I told her so. I do need someone to remind me that even though there are some events that cannot be changed, there are still little things I can do within them. Some lives can still be saved. I can still make a little bit of a difference, even when things are fixed. Yes, 20,000 lives are lost now, but there are four who are alive, well, and thriving. I must remind myself of that when I'm tempted to go sit in a corner and castigate myself.
Rose, Martha, and Donna. All three women have brought out the best in me. Three very special women with hearts of gold. All of them saw a bitter, cynical alien who had lost most of his mercy and compassion, saw no joy in the universe, and taught him to love, and hope, and laugh again. All three of these remarkable women have helped and healed me. And the funny thing is, while I was teaching them, they in turn were teaching me. It wasn't until Martha left, that I realized that I really do need that kind of connection. In my old age, I need the companionship, interaction, and fresh perspectives that friends can give. I need someone like Donna to scream at me to go back and save someone instead of just ignoring them because I think that they're part of a fixed point in history. Donna may be a bit brash at times, and extremely mouthy, and obstinate, but I'm so glad she found me again.
And now, I sit here on the captain's chair, deciding on our next destination while Donna takes a nap. While I do, my thoughts drift back to the Ood, another group of creatures I had been powerless to save. Then, I get an idea. What if I took Donna to see them? I never really got to know their kind. Maybe if we went to their planet and saw how they lived. Are the Ood really a willing slave race or is that designation put on them by others to serve their own selfish ends? And if it is, then perhaps, I can help them, save them and cancel out what happened to the others on Krop Tor. I nod. Yes, it's worth a shot. At any rate, I'd be taking Donna to her first planet and that alone convinced me that we need to go.
With a smile, I began to look through the database, searching for the coordinates of the Ood's home world and another new adventure.