Something I Will Never Have
Edward Elric sat watching his little brother reading from the balcony in the huge library. He could tell Al was getting tired, the book kept almost dropping out of his hands as he nodded off. Soon he'd be fast asleep on the book, and Ed wouldn't be able to bring himself to wake Al until they absolutely had to leave. He leaned on the railing, almost feeling as if he needed something to support his weight from the heaviness he felt in his heart. This choking feeling almost never left him. Sometimes he could just pretend it didn't exist ... but the truth was that it never really went away. It even haunted him in his dreams.
"I love him."
More than anything in the world, Ed loved his younger brother. He couldn't even imagine or think of one thing that meant more to him. In a way, he felt guilty for holding Al in such high regard. It was pointless to be in love with Al. Completely pointless. There was just no way their relationship could work. They were brothers, and no amount of wishing could change that blood bond between them. All this stupid love was doing was hurting him.
"But he'll never love me back."
He couldn't even imagine the pure sleeping angel down there even remotely viewing his older brother as an object of romantic affections. Ed wanted so desperately to listen to his head instead of his heart. No matter how many times he reviewed the truths of life, the truth he couldn't get around, his heart still ached, still craved and still wanted his brother badly. There was just no way to erase it, or stop it. No matter how much he wanted to.
"So what's the use? ... I can't screw up something I have for something I will never have."
Overall, he didn't want to forever break or lose the bond he had with Al now. Ed sunk to his knees, the railing no longer a comfort as he felt unable to breathe. He leaned against the bars, still peering down at his little brother. These feelings were stupid, he was stupid. He longed so bad to go back to the time before he had fallen in love. Back to when it was just a sibling relationship. Back before these ridiculous emotions had taken a hold of him so much. It felt as if his heart was being grasped tightly, tight enough to kill him. Still, he looked over his brother's sleeping form, tears now blurring his vision.
And he just wanted to know if this would ever be different.