A/N: Well, hi! It's been a long time since I posted last...but here I am. Better late than never, right?
This little ditty I came up with one day after talking with my dear friend Monika about how sick my husband has been. She said, 'You should totally write a snotty lemon! How funny would that be?" Well, I thought about it and realized that maybe, just maybe, there are other perverts out there just like us that would get a giggle or two out of this.
It is cold and flu season after all.
Enjoy!
Disclaimer: SM owns all. I own the idea to this one-shot, embarrassing as it is to claim. Oh! And I own the rights to Snotward too. Bet most of you never thought we'd never see that name in this community!
Edward was so very sick. His skin was ashen; hair slicked back with sweat and had snot seeping from both nostrils.
He looked like death ran over, and then some.
But no matter what, he was still the most handsome man I had ever met, even if there were a few unattractive qualities presenting themselves at the moment.
When we said our marriage vows, 'for better or worse'; I guess this is what everyone was talking about.
I married the hottest man in the world, well, at least I thought so. He was tall, dark and handsome; treating me like a princess and had magic fingers and a massive cock.
All in all, the perfect guy.
I had the longest day of my adult life at work today. Between talking to pissed off clients and dealing with bitch boss lady, Tanya (or better known as BBL between my co-workers and I); I had a long day and wanted nothing more than to come home to my husband, maybe have some pleasurable foreplay leading to blow your mind sex. Follow this with some ice cream in bed and cuddling, and I would be a happy woman.
But, apparently my happy time wasn't in the cards for me tonight.
I returned home to find my husband, the love of my life, lying across the couch in only his boxers, fast asleep.
Now, this image alone would usually make me swoon, but not today, because today was a whole different story.
As I walked (and tripped) up the stairs, I found that the reason that he was gloriously almost naked was because he chose to strip as he walked in the house before plopping himself on the couch; snotty tissues lining the carpet around him. The cereal bowl on the coffee table had a gooey white substance in it, seemingly being used as a spit bucket. I wanted to get mad, that shit was harder than hell to get out and would have to soak over night.
But the spit bucket was the least of my worries.
The cat had chosen to empty her stomach several times over in the living room and hallway carpet, appearing to be just as sick as her daddy.
Leaving Edward where he lay and walking to the bathroom to grab another box of Kleenex, I unfortunately stepped in one of said piles of puke (cat variety) and was left hobbling the rest of the way not wanting to make more of a mess than there already was.
When I got to the bathroom I found that Edward had a very disastrous bout of diarrhea and every hair in my nose burned from the smell, which would forever remain in my poor nostrils.
I turned on the shower and rinsed my foot off, watching the orange colored mess wash down the drain. Drying my foot off, I began disinfecting, all the while listening to Edward's snores get louder and louder from the spot he continued to occupy on the couch.
Sighing, I filled a bucket with soapy water and set out cleaning up the cat puke. With every scrub of my hand came a snore from my husband's mouth. At one point his snore startled me so much I jumped and ended up knocking over the pale leaving me with yet another mess to clean up.
20 minutes later the cat puke was cleaned and all the tissues were off the floor. I made my way into the kitchen to find an even bigger mess; the can opener thrown on one counter, a half empty can of soup...with a plastic spoon sitting in it, several wrappers for freeze pops, tea bags and coffee mug after coffee mug lining the counters.
I blew out a deep breath wondering when the torment would stop!
Edward had yet to wake...not like he would help clean up the mess anyway. I cleaned and scrubbed, throwing the garbage away as I went. I found that Edward had chosen to spit his phlegm into the kitchen sink before getting a spit bucket...and chose not to rinse it down with water.
But I couldn't be too mad; he was sick …and a man.
What more did I expect?
After the house was tidy and my nose no longer smelled the horrid diarrhea smell (I could only now smell cleaning chemicals), I started the shower again for myself. The water was hot and felt amazing over my tired and aching body. I knew I had caught whatever Edward had only it hadn't hit as hard yet. The difference between the two of us if I was lying on the couch right now? The house wouldn't be a disaster, and I'd pick up after myself knowing that it would be just gross cleaning this stuff up days later instead of right away.
When I was finished, I shut the water off and threw open the curtain to find non other than my husband sitting on the toilet taking care of business yet again.
"Hey babe-how are you feeling?" I asked, my voice full of concern for my sick and ailing husband. Edward's reply came in the form of a splashing sound, followed by lots of farting noises. His face contorted with the pressure of his push.
I could only look away, trying not to gag.
"I think I just peed out of my asshole!" Edward looked at me as he squeezed one eye shut and pushed hard, causing yet another disgusting sound and smell to spew from his body.
I grabbed my towel and quickly hopped out of the shower praying that I could hold my breath long enough to get the hell away from that smell.
As I dressed in my favorite flannel pants and tank top, I turned around to find my handsome (and very sick) husband leaning against the doorframe to our bedroom, clad in only his boxers. His body was to die for, 6-pack abs and just the right amount of chest hair leading down to the place I loved most. If it weren't for the puffy red eyes, snot running down his face and the beads of sickly sweat covering his body, I'd try jumping him. I had a very hard and tiring day at work and wanted nothing more than to come home and spend a little quality one on one time with my husband, only to find the disaster state of the house.
Edward was laughing at something but quickly started coughing having to run back into the bathroom. The sound of him hawking up a loogy grossed me the frack out.
"You okay in there?" I shouted, not wanting to personally see for myself, worried I might actually vomit at the sight.
More chuckling came followed by coughs. "Hey B! Come quick!"
Worried, I ran for the bathroom finding Edward standing over the toilet and pointing.
"What? Is everything okay?"
"I forgot to flush. You should see my shit, it's almost...neon green! Gross!" His face contorted before he hawked another loogy into said toilet, with said neon green shit floating near the surface.
"Oh. My. God. I think I'm going to be sick!" I ran out of the bathroom, taking a deep breath of clean air as soon as I got back to the bedroom.
A few minutes later, and calmed down from the bathroom fiasco, I found Edward back in the doorway looking sicker than ever.
"Hey baby." Edward said, his voice nasally and congested, not nearly as sexy as he thought he sounded. He winked at me as I watched his boxer's tent out.
I laughed shaking my head as I went over to the nightstand to grab some lotion. "You are not serious!"
Edward wiggled his eyebrow, smiling his suggestive smile only to be cut off with a harsh sounding cough. "Oh, I am more than serious!" *Cough* "I've been waiting hours for you to come home." *Cough* "It's been a hard wait." *Cough* I felt his hands on my hips and his cock against my ass as he humped me from behind as I lotioned my legs. He placed his hands in my pants and began pulling them down. I stopped his movements before I was naked, appalled that he'd want that right now!
"Edward!" I slapped his hand away and looked back only to find that he now had one hand down his boxers, rubbing his cock as he stared at my chest, panting and coughing in the most unattractive nature.
"What?" He asked, looking completely clueless, as I was less than enthused at the possibility of having sick man sex. "I'm sick and you're supposed to be a good wife and take care of me." He tried giving me that panty dropping crooked smile once more only to be interrupted by yet another awful cough.
But still, as he coughed, he continued to touch himself.
As much as I wanted to look away, the sight of his hand in his boxers, touching what I wanted to be touching made me want to touch myself and soon I found myself slapping his hand away from my pants and took them off myself.
Edward's eyes perked up as he watched me quickly become naked. He pulled his own boxers off and soon we stood bare together. His nose continued to run and I new I couldn't do this without him at least blowing it first.
His nose, that is.
I pulled out a tissue and handed it to him impatiently.
Edward took the tissue and gave me a curious glance. "What do I need this for? I got you for that, baby."
Oh my gosh!
I hit my hand to my head at how stupid he was.
"It's for your nose, not your cock. I'll take care of him." I grabbed said cock in my hand, giving him a firm pump as realization hit Edward. As he blew his snotty nose (letting out an atrocious fart in the process), I used both hands to make my husband harder, wanting him so hard that he'd fuck my day's worries away.
Edward threw the snotty Kleenex on the floor (yet again) and pushed me onto the bed, kissing down my body, leaving a wet trail...of snot...as he went. As grossed out as I was, I just wanted to be fucked and cum. I could take another shower and wash my husband's sickness off me afterwards.
Edward latched onto my left breast, sniffling as he went. It was mildly unattractive and I started to push him off me, wondering if this was such a good idea. But then I felt his hand reach down and touch my clit and I remembered how his long fingers rocked my world, sick or not. As two fingers entered me, I bucked my hips off the bed startling Edward, bouncing his body.
Drops of snot fell from his nose onto my stomach.
I looked at him in frustration, receiving a response of a nasally 'sorry' before he coughed again, launching phlegm at me from head to toe. It was then that I pulled away from him knowing that it was just too much; I couldn't go through with this after all.
Edward wasn't letting me give up that easy and soon his fingers were replaced with his glorious cock and I was lost.
He could snot on me all he wanted at this point and I wouldn't say one fucking word.
As he thrust into me, deeper and harder, I moaned out his name. On the brink of cumming I rubbed at my clit, moaning like a whore as my orgasm shot through me. Edward followed shortly after, collapsing on top of me, completely spent.
"That was amazing, baby." Edward placed a kiss on my lips as he slowly lifted his weight off of me.
As I opened my mouth to respond back that the sick man sex was actually pretty hot, I watched in slow motion as a large droplet of snot… fell from his nose… into my open mouth. I wanted to get away, try to stop the inevitable, but it wasn't my night and I watched as it all happened.
Edward's heavy weight pinned me to the bed and I was fucked.
"I'm so fucking sor..." I cut Edward off by placing my hand over his mouth, grabbing a Kleenex with the other and handing it to him like a mother would do to a two year old.
Swallowing, I spoke. "Don't even say it, Edward." I put the Kleenex up to his nose. "Blow." He did so, blowing his nose so hard that the tissue broke, covering my hand in the sticky substance.
It couldn't get much worse at this point.
I threw the used tissue on the floor next to the one he threw there prior, rubbed my snotty hand across my husband's sickly sweaty chest and rolled over.
This day had to come to an end at some point.
So much for me thinking the snotty sex was worth it.
Next time I think I'll use my rabbit and hand Edward a box of Kleenex, a bottle of lotion and just call it a day.
A/N: So...what did you think? Was it pretty gross? Yeah, I thought so. I took some of this from real life experience, and some of it, well, I can't control what happens inside that head of mine.
Thanks for reading, hope you'll stop by and drop a review.
For those of you who care, I have started writing again. I have a new fic that I'm in the process of working on. However, I will NOT be posting it until it is completed for obvious reasons. "Give and Take" will be finished at some point, but I couldn't tell you when. I gotta wait for inspiration to hit me.
See you soon :)
-Pattsylove