A/N: The newest Chicago Fire was amazing, in so many ways. But damn, that ending. Not cool. I'm sure she passes, but the cliffhanger is a killer. And that preview...oh God. All I'm going to say about it is that Severide better be alright, or we riot. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this oneshot that focuses on Matt and Kelly's friendship that we all love so much. I completed this quickly, so sorry if it doesn't live up to your expectations or you find errors. Please review to tell me what you think! :)
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Kelly Severide rides back to the firehouse in silence, tears pooling in his eyes, just waiting to be let go. His mind is racing - he knows he should have done more. He keeps telling himself that he should have searched the room thoroughly, that he should have gotten down on his hands and knees and scoped out every square inch of that room. But he didn't. And now an innocent ten year old boy is dead because of it. He just can't shake that out of his head, and it's eating him up inside.
Once Tony parks the rig, Severide jumps out as quickly as he can and dumps his gear before walking swiftly inside the firehouse, passing Casey and the concerned gaze he wore. He can feel the other eyes of his friends and coworkers watching him closely, all worried. In fact, they haven't been this worried since Casey was rushed to the hospital - and that's saying a lot.
But they've never seen Kelly Severide shaken up quite like this. Sure, some calls bothered him and hurt his heart, like the one with the father covering his family, but this one was different. All of the guys knew that Severide blamed himself for this one, and they also knew he was wrong for doing so.
Kelly rushes through the common room, kicking a chair in the process. He keeps walking until he reaches the locker room, where he paces hurriedly and runs his hands through his hair. He stops briefly to punch a locker, and welcomes the pain in his fist, knowing he deserved it for letting that boy die. So he punches it again. And again, and again, and again. After realizing he was leaving a noticeable dent in Cruz's locker, he stops and sits on the bench. He buries his head in his hands and grips his dark hair with his fingers, trying to cause himself pain in anyway possible. The guilt and anger was boiling inside of him, and he wanted it to go away. He wanted to do that call over again and save that boy. But he couldn't, what's done is done, and that's what is killing Kelly the most.
Casey appears in the doorway, studying his best friend's condition before he starts to console him. He watches as Severide kicks the locker in front of him, leaving another small dent in the old metal. Casey then figures it's a good time to step in before any other lockers get damaged, and starts to walk towards him, trying to figure out the best way to go about this. Severide can hear his footsteps and shakes his head, wanting nothing other than to be alone.
"Go away man, I'm fine," He grumbles, shaking his head and motioning for Casey to leave the room.
"If I ask Cruz's locker, will I get the same answer?" Casey asks as he sits next to Severide, trying his best to lighten the mood. Fail.
"Seriously Casey, I'm okay," Severide responds, his voice rising as he stands up and moves away from his friend.
"C'mon Kelly, you know bottling up your emotions is the worst possible way to go about this," Casey argues, also standing up. "Just talk to me, man. That's all I'm askin'."
But Kelly just shakes his head, waving nonchalantly. "Casey, I'm tellin' you, I'll be fine. I just need time to sort out what happened." He says the last part as if he's unsure, and Casey doesn't fail to notice it.
"Well I'll tell you right now, I'm not gonna leave you alone until you talk to me," he says, looking at his fellow Lieutenant seriously. When Kelly doesn't respond, he continues in a more softer tone. "It's just the two of us in here, nobody else. Not Shay, not Boden, just us. So tell me what you're feelin', and I promise it'll stay between you and I."
Kelly looks over at his friend, and sees nothing but honesty, sincerity, and concern. He knows that he can confide in Matt, but he can't find any words, he can't even begin to start explaining what he's feeling. He sits down on the bench once again and shuffles his feet, shaking his head as he feels the tears coming back. Casey looks at him, letting him take his time. He's never seen his best friend so upset, so lost, but he's glad he can be there for him. He wishes every day that Andy's death never put a wedge between them, but he's glad they got over it.
Kelly fiddles with his fingers as Casey leans against a locker, both of them silent until Kelly starts to speak. "I thought when I searched that room...it was clear," he begins, his voice cracking as he continues to stare down at the floor. Casey is silent, waiting for him to continue. "But when we did the secondary search, and I saw that little boy's body, I just felt like an absolute failure. I can't get his image out of my head...and I know that if I searched that room better, as well as you would have, he would still be alive. He was only ten, Matt, he didn't deserve to die. But I practically murdered him-"
Casey shakes his head, knowing his friend was starting to speak bullshit, and he wasn't going to have it. "Severide, listen to me," he says, sitting beside the other Lieutenant again. "You did not murder that boy. What happened was a freak accident and it happens more times than you'd think. Nothing you could have done would have saved him, and you can't fret over it because it's going to hang over you like a dark cloud."
"You're wrong, Matt," Severide says with another crack in his voice, shaking his head. "You and I both know that if I had thought to look more carefully, that boy would still be alive. His parents wouldn't be grieving and they wouldn't have to bury their ten year old son. It ain't right, it just ain't right."
"You're right, it isn't right," Casey answers calmly, shaking his head as he continues to study his best friend. "But his death isn't your fault, Kelly, you gotta know that. Life can be shitty sometimes, trust me, I've been where you are right now. But you can't let this weigh you down...you can't let his freak accident mess with your head. Trust me, it ain't worth it. It's okay to be sad about it at first, but please, man, don't let this hold you back."
Severide stays silent for a few seconds, trying to take in Matt's words as he continues to fiddle with his fingers. But every time he sees that boy's body, he knows he could have done more. So he shakes his head and stands back up, pacing the room as Casey watches with concern. "I was so close to finding him...if I had just reached an inch further, everything would have turned out differently. He would still be alive. Dammit Matt, that kid had his whole life to look forward to, and I took all of that away."
"You didn't take it all away, Kelly," Casey says, almost pleading with him now. "Shit happens, man, but it ain't our fault. It isn't anybody's fault. Sometimes stuff just happens and we have no control over it, but that's just life. We have to learn how to deal with it, because if we don't, then we'll be the next one in a coffin." Casey stands up and walks towards his best friend, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Listen to me, this was not your fault. And I'm not just sayin' that to make you feel better. What happened was a tragedy...but it would have happened if it was any of us searching that room. When Andy died...I thought of a billion ways I could have saved him, and I did the same thing when Hallie died. But then I realized fretting over it isn't gonna change anything, so I accepted it and worked on movin' past it."
Kelly listens to Casey's words, and knows he's right. Blaming himself wouldn't change the outcome, and as much as he wanted to go back in time and redo it, he couldn't. It was impossible, no matter how much Kelly hated it.
"I just wish I coulda done more, ya know?" He says, shaking his head as he lets the tears start to roll down his cheeks. Casey nods, understanding as he gently squeezes his friend's shoulder for support.
"We all do, trust me. It's normal to feel like that, any human being with a heart would feel like that. But when somebody dies...sometimes it's just easier to accept it rather than fight with ourselves about it."
Kelly just nods, crying freely now, knowing that Matt would never judge him for letting his guard down like this. Matt doesn't think twice about pulling him into a hug, which Kelly instantly responds to.
They stand like that for several minutes, Kelly dumping his emotions on his best friend as Matt just stands there, comforting him to the best of his ability. They both know that they have each other's backs, no matter what the situation. If one is in need of help, the other will come running for them. They may have doubted that a year ago, but now their bond is stronger than ever and they're happy to call each other brothers.