It's like a bigger dewdrop – it sparkles on your finger like a too-large drop of rain. But despite your misgivings, you're proud to have it there. Because now, you feel like you belong to somebody. Finally, after everything, you belong to somebody and you don't have to throw up the walls that just let everyone know how very alone you were.
Despite that, though, there's the question:
Do you want to belong to somebody?
Oh no not now
Please, not
now
I just settled into the glass half-empty
Made myself at
home
And so why now – please, not now
I just stopped
believing in happy endings
Harbours of my own
It's been a long road. He hasn't been interested and then he was interested and then you weren't and then he was and it's this stupid, crazy cycle that never stops and gets very tiring. Half the time you wanted him to just let you go. Half the time, he wanted you to leave. The night at the trailer, he'd practically spit your freedom at you, but like a toddler, once you got what you wanted, you didn't want it anymore. The tradition of being With Someone welled up inside you and you refused to leave his side.
It's not like you didn't have good reason to leave. In fact, many people, had they known you, likely would have asked themselves why you didn't take what was given and get the hell out.
The reason was this: it's a lot more than simply cut and dry; stay or don't stay. There are grey areas. You're a grey area in yourself – and you know that's why he loves you.
Sometimes, however, you can't
imagine why. But you had to come along, didn't you?
Break
down the doors, throw open windows
Oh; if you knew just what a
fool you have made me
So, what do I do with this?
He wouldn't let you stay blind.
Like a good teacher, he forced your eyes open to things you didn't
want to see. He made you deal, in his own strange way, with things
you were content to leave buried. You're forced to realize that
without him, you wouldn't have gotten over the Mommy issues (and
maybe you're not over them still, but at least you realize they're
there. The first step in a long line of steps, and that was on him);
you probably wouldn't have been able to see that being happy
shouldn't have to hurt. This stray Italian
greyhound
These inconvenient fireworks
This ice-cream-covered
screaming hyperactive thought
God, I just want to lay down
These
This feeling calls for
everything that I am
Not
It did hurt, though. Derek isn't perfect. He can be abusive and the two of you rubbed against each other like sandpaper on bare skin, hurting where you could and rubbing feelings raw. Maybe that's when you realized that he could stand up to your issues; that you could stand up to his. That no one leads a perfect, charmed life. That it's a myth that the world wants you to believe in because the reality is so hard to face.
When the shoe was on the other foot – when he wasn't fishing you out of bays or yanking you up from bathtubs – you realized that believing in that myth can be just as dangerous as believing that happily-ever-afters can't ever come true. The beauty was in the breakdown, but you couldn't see it because you were so focused on Being There. How soon you realized that Being There meant that you didn't have to do anything at all. Sometimes it means to leave things alone. The medical profession calls it "watchful waiting".
And yet you still wonder, after all of that, after all the history, why he would STILL want to deal with someone who's as broken and fucked-up as you.
I'm not that kind
I'm so
good at shooting down any notion
This tired world could
change
It's all been bought
Or at least that was my line
No
use in spending all that emotion
When there's someone else to
blame
And then you realized – it's because he doesn't let you focus on that part of yourself. There are days when your hair shines golden in the rare sun and your eyes are as blue as cornflowers; that he smiles at you in your red sweater, trailing along the leaf-covered path with almost a skip in your step – yes, a skip, despite your age of thirty years – and you know that this isn't what he's hung his hat on, but it's a goal that he's reached and is trying to keep.
He stores up those moments when the darkness is too heavy to see anything. And it's not just you – he doesn't just store them for you. He stores them for himself, too.
Your negatives turned into "maybe"
and then "yes", and he sets his watch by the rare smiles in your
eyes. But you had to come along, didn't you?
Rev up the
crowd, rewrite the rule book
Where do I go when every 'no' turns
into 'maybe'
So, what do I do with this?
You set your watch by the crooked smile he gives you when he's really tired, or the mist of tears that he tries to hide when you watch romantic movies. You love that he counters his rough side with a sensitivity that's buried deep down, behind the arrogance he throws up so that people don't get too close. You found that you loved him better when you knew about his social anxiety; that he once was a braced-teeth, frizzy-haired band geek with a penchant for lisping and twisting his hands in nervousness.
You never grew out of that, but you
love to look at him and know it's at least possible to
change. What do I do
With a love that won't sit
still
Won't do what it's told
What do I do
With a love that
won't sit still
It's nothing that will remain static. That's important, because a static relationship would destroy you both. It won't be perfect, but with luck, it won't be abusive either. You know now that if you wanted to, you couldn't leave him behind. It's not possible – and that's a failing and a strength that you accept.
This sudden burst of sunlight
And
me with my umbrella
Cross-indexing every weatherman's report
I
was ready for the downslide
But not for spring to well up
This
feeling calls for everything I can't afford
To know
Is possible
now.
Sometimes you wonder what exactly it was that drew him to you. How you take a step and then look scared that it wasn't in the right direction. How you bite your lip even as you stride forward in the known right direction. How you question everything, double-check, and still mistrust even the most comforting, satisfying theories that have never been proven wrong.
And then you know you have your answer. It's not about being sure of yourself.
It's about going with your gut feeling. No matter where you've gone with him, it's always been the right way.