Hello, all! Well, here it is! My first fanfiction! YAY!!! *happy dance* Hope you guys like it! And no, I don't typically end all my sentences with exclamation points. XD
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Hargreaves Family: Epic Phails.
Chapter One
"Riff!!"
"Yes, Master Cain?" Riff said, popping up out of no where. They were in the library of the Hargreaves mansion at about ten past tea time.
Cain jumped, surprised, and turned. "Oh. There you are." The young master looked exceptionally agitated on this particular afternoon. "Come here. I am in need of your assistance."
"Yes, Master Cain." The butler walked over to the table where Cain was standing at his usual leisurely pace of less than 3 inches per second, which only proceeded to annoy the young man further.
"Hurry up, will you?"
"I apologize, Master Cain," Riff said, speeding up, but only slightly.
"And stop calling me 'Master Cain,'" Cain snapped. "It's annoying."
"Yes, Master Cain. Of course, Master Cain. Forgive me, Master Cain."
Cain rolled his eyes, and turned back to the table.
Riff finally reached his employer and peered over his shoulder. To his immense surprise, Cain seemed to have stapled his sleeve to the table.
"As you can see," Cain said through clenched teeth, "I'm in a bit of a predicament here, so if you would be so kind as to fetch some scissors or a knife or something equally as sharp so that I may cut my sleeve loose, I would be most grateful."
"Right away, Master Cain." Riff hurried off to find a sharp object, which, in reality, was about the same as a stroll in the park for a person who moved at a normal speed.
"And for God's sake, HURRY UP!" Cain called after him. "I've been standing like this for two hours and it's not exactly comfortable!"
Twenty minutes later, Riff returned to the library, carrying a pair of kitchen shears.
"About bloody time," Cain muttered. "How is it that you can leap into action and save my ass on a regular basis with inhuman speed, but it takes you ages to find scissors because you move slower than a tortoise?"
"I do apologize, Master Cain," Riff said, cutting him loose. "But I didn't think that this was a particularly urgent emergency."
Cain stretched. "Contrary to popular belief, Riff, it is NOT comfortable stand in one position for two hours. Also, I am in desperate need of a chamber pot now."
"Master Cain," Riff began before his master cut him off.
"What did I JUST say about that 'Master Cain' business?" Cain said, cocking an eyebrow.
Riff opened his mouth, but frowned. How was he supposed to address him?
Cain rolled his eyes again. "Oh, just say it, will you?"
"I was about to ask how you managed to staple yourself to the table, actually."
Cain whirled around and grabbed something from the table. "THIS!" He shoved whatever it was he had picked up into Riff's face.
Riff took it and looked at it. What had appeared previously to be some sort of large fluff ball partially covered in paper now revealed itself to be a teddy bear with a bunch of paper stapled to it. Riff raised an eyebrow. "What exactly were you trying to do to this poor bear?"
Cain flushed in embarrassment. "I was trying to wrap it! Mary's birthday is in two days and I wanted to give her something!"
Riff smiled, biting back laughter. "If I may, Master Cain, I don't think Miss Mary will like this very much."
"And why wouldn't she? She loves teddy bears."
"Well, have you not given her ten or so in the past three months alone? Perhaps something more original would be better?" Riff suggested, gently.
Cain opened his mouth for a haughty retort but sighed instead. "You're right, as usual, Riff. But what to GET her?"
Riff thought for a moment, setting the tragically murdered bear back down on the table. "A dress?"
Cain looked up. "That's a marvelous idea!" He headed for the door.
"Oh, and Master Cain?"
Cain turned. "Yes, Riff?"
"Perhaps I should wrap it?"
Cain grinned. "Yes, perhaps that would be best."
"And Master Cain?"
Cain sighed internally. Apparently Riff was far too proper and too set in his ways to call him just "Cain." That would be so nice; to hear simply "Cain" pass through those lovely lips just once…
"Master Cain?" Riff said again.
"Uhm, yes. What is it Riff?" Cain said, pulled out of his daydream about Riff's lips.
"There was really no need for you to stand there for two hours, you know," Riff pointed out, trying hard not to grin.
Cain blinked. "What are you talking about?"
"You could have simply pulled your arm with a lot of force and it would have dislodged the staples, or you would have ripped the fabric."
Cain blinked again, and facepalmed. Riff chuckled.