THE PLACE WE USED TO LOVE
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?
Oh, simple thing, where have you gone?
Somewhere Only We Know - Keane
January 2004
She didn't usually run from her problems.
But she'd taken her dad home after the night he'd spent in the drunk tank, and while she would typically clean his apartment while he slept off the booze, that day she just couldn't.
So she left him on the bed, and just...left. Got in her car and drove, no real destination in mind. She just knew she couldn't be in the city, or at the cemetery. She just needed to get away for a few hours.
She found herself pulling into a spot at Coney Island. It was dark and raining and practically deserted, but that was exactly what she needed. She didn't even pay attention to the rain, just grabbed her coat from the trunk and pulled the hood up. Her umbrella was at home, but she didn't care, just stuffed her hands in her pockets after locking her car.
Five years before, she and her dad - her sober dad - had abandoned her mom's wake to escape to the very place she'd escaped to now.
Even on the worst days, there's the possibility for joy.
She tried to believe it, but more often than not, she didn't. She was struggling to make detective, her dad was a drunk, and her mother was dead. What was the point?
"Excuse me, miss?"
She turned at the hand on her arm, muscles coiled, ready to defend herself. But the man in front of her didn't look intimidating; no, he looked the same as her, cold and wet. And very familiar.
"Can I help you?" she snapped, and oh, it might have been more harsh than she'd intended.
Surprise flashed across his features before he masked it and held out his hand. "You dropped your keys."
She saw the small key ring in his palm, took it with a sheepish smile. "Thanks."
"No problem. Uh, can I ask what you're doing out here, in this weather?"
She studied him, wary of the stranger who'd approached her. He was tall and broad, but he had kind eyes, and...he looked so familiar. "Just needed a break," she said cautiously.
"From what?"
She shrugged. "Just...life."
"I can relate to that," he said with a chuckle. "Anyway, take care."
She watched him turn and walk away, his hands in his pockets and shoulders hunched around his ears. It took just a few short minutes of indecision before she was jogging after him and grabbing his arm. "Since we're both trying to escape from life for awhile, want to do it together?"
He smirked, then held his elbow out. "Sure. I'm Rick, by the way."
"Kate." She took his arm and involuntarily huddled closer when a strong gust of wind hit them. "Can I buy you a drink?"
They talked for hours about everything and nothing; he was a single dad whose kid was visiting her mom for the week, and for the first time in a long time, she told someone she just met about her mom. Not that she was murdered, of course, just that she was dead. And it was his reaction that had her suggesting they find a hotel: he didn't look at her with pity, or like she was vulnerable and therefore easy. He simply apologized for her loss, his voice soft and those blue eyes so kind.
When they parted in the early hours of the morning, it was with each other's phone numbers, and plans for a date a few nights later.
She'd never felt such a strong connection to someone after just a few hours. But she had with Rick, so when he invited her to his apartment for dinner she didn't hesitate, didn't question, just showed up with a bottle of wine.
He was there for her when she needed him the most, even when she didn't realize it herself. She called him in February when her dad checked into rehab, and he was at her door when she broke down later that night.
She went straight to his apartment in March after she made detective, pushed him against his office bookshelves as soon as his daughter went to bed. And that night, as they celebrated her promotion and his contract for three more Derrick Storm books, he asked her to marry him.
They were married a week later.
But she couldn't let go of her mom's case.
She needed to know who killed her, needed closure. And as she hit dead end after dead end she spent more time at the precinct. More late nights and early mornings spent away, more time in the evidence room.
"What are you doing?" Rick asked one night in late April, plate in his hand as he stood at their bedroom door.
Kate tore her gaze from the autopsy report she was looking at, a glance at the clock telling her it was long past dinnertime. She hadn't heard Rick approach, let alone his presumed call for dinner. "Sorry, I got caught up in a case."
Rick just gave her a nod and set the meal on the dresser. "I don't know why I even asked."
"Hang on," Kate protested when he turned to leave, scrambling off the bed. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Rick sighed and turned back to her. "It means you're always working on a case. If it's not your mom's, it's whichever one you've brought home."
"That's not fair."
"No, you know what isn't fair?" Rick took a step towards her. "It isn't fair that when you're off the clock, you spend more damn time at the precinct than you do at home. With your family."
"Rick-"
"It isn't fair that I lie awake more nights than not wondering when you'll come home. If you'll come home. Or if you'll spend the night at work." He ran a hand through his hair, a move Kate recognized as one of frustration. "Sometimes I wonder if we should have done this."
Kate just blinked at him. "What do you mean, you wonder if we should have done this? Done what, Rick?" When he shifted his gaze to the floor, she closed the distance between them and grabbed his collar. "You told me once that you love my drive and my quest for answers. Has that changed?"
"No." Rick shook his head. "You're extraordinary, Kate, and I love you. But it's a two-way street. Alexis and I, we're your family. We need to be your priority." He motioned to the files strewn across the bed. "Not that."
"I can't just let go of my work when I come home, you knew that from the start."
Rick took a few steps back until he was out of Kate's reach. "I feel like you're taking a whole hell of a lot more than you give." He took the plate from the dresser. "Solve the damn case, Kate. I'll keep your dinner warm."
Kate watched him turn and walk out of the room, then packed a bag. She hadn't moved everything out of her apartment, and she stayed there that night.
And a week later, she held back tears as she and Rick signed the divorce papers and she walked out of his life.
Ten months later...
Kate had prided herself at being able to keep her cool under pressure. It had always been a skill of hers, one of many reasons she'd graduated at the top of her class at the Academy. One reason she'd become the youngest female homicide detective in NYPD history, with one of the highest closure rates in the year she'd been a detective.
But at the moment, her cool was in danger of being lost.
She was going to kill her best friend.
"Trust me, Kate," Lanie had insisted earlier that day. "You'll like him. Just be yourself, okay? He'll like you too."
Oh, he'd like her, all right. He liked her enough that he'd divorced her ten months prior.
Judging by the look on his face, though, he was just as surprised to see her. He glanced down at the single-stemmed rose in his hand, said something to the host, and finished his approach with a crooked smile.
"Guess we didn't need these," he said as a greeting, nodding to the matching rose on the table.
Kate leaned back and crossed her arms. Yep, Lanie was a dead woman walking. "What are you doing here, Rick?"
"Apparently," Rick said, sitting in the chair across from her, "Lanie decided that it's time for me to date again. She said she had a single friend who I'd like." He took a sip of water. "She forgot to mention it was you."
Kate scoffed and pushed her chair back. "This is ridiculous. Goodbye."
"Kate, wait." He covered her hand with his as she moved to stand, and lightly squeezed to stop her. "Look, we're here. There's a bottle of Chateauneuf-au-Pape on the way. Stay, eat. My treat."
Kate hesitated before withdrawing her hand and scooting her chair back in. She was hungry, and they were in a nice restaurant, so...she may as well stay. She could handle an hour of civil conversation with the man she'd last seen signing their divorce papers.
"So," he said after they got the wine and ordered dinner, "how are you?"
"You know how I am." Kate set her glass down and folded her hands on the table. "Come on, Rick. I know you play poker with my boss."
"That doesn't mean he tells me anything." Rick mirrored her position. "How are you, Kate? Really?"
Kate resisted the urge to draw her bottom lip between her teeth. It had always drawn Rick crazy with lust throughout their brief relationship, but after their separation, it turned into something she did while in thought. Instead, she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm good. I have the highest closure rate of any first-year detective, I have a good partner. I couldn't be better."
The last thing was a lie, and by the sad look in Rick's eyes, he knew it. But he kept pattern, they both did, and didn't push it.
"I'm glad."
"Thanks." She played with the corner of her napkin. "How about you? Book sales okay?"
Rick chuckled. "Yes, book sales are okay. In fact, I spent most of the last month in Europe." He paused and looked up, waited for her to meet his eyes. "You would have loved it, Kate. Local bookstores, good food, sightseeing. The works."
Kate gave him a small smile. "It sounds like fun," she admitted. "Alexis go with you?"
"She couldn't. School."
"How is she?" she asked after a long pause.
"Wow. Really?"
Kate looked up to see Rick glaring at her, his anger obvious in the set ridge of his jaw, his dark eyes. "Well, yeah, I was her stepmom. I do care about her-"
"No." Rick leaned forward but kept his voice low, and it trembled with anger. "You were never really her stepmom. She looked up to you, Kate. But you were so damn obsessed with being a detective, with your mom's case, that you never even saw it."
Kate opened her mouth to argue, but was interrupted by the waiter bringing their food. When he'd refilled their water and wine glasses she pushed her plate aside. She wasn't hungry anymore. "Rick-"
Rick shook his head. "Just eat, Kate. You don't want your dinner to get cold."
She forced down a handful of bites, barely tasting the food, and followed it with a few swallows of wine. She didn't drink often, didn't want to risk falling into the same hole her father had only recently started to come out of, but that night, she needed it.
"Do you know what Alexis asked me the night you left?" Rick asked when he pushed his plate to the side.
Kate just shook her head. Gone was the angry man from a few minutes before, the fire in his eyes replaced by sadness.
He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. "She asked me if you were coming back. I told her the truth, that I didn't think you would."
"R-"
"She gave me a hug, said we'd be okay, and helped me eat a gallon of ice cream."
"I'm sor-"
"Don't apologize to me," he interrupted, his voice low, but steady. "Apologize to the girl whose heart you broke, who cried herself to sleep because she didn't want me to feel like I had to be strong for her."
"Okay, wait a minute." Kate felt bad for Alexis; while she hadn't been able to get very close with the girl in the few months she'd been with Rick, she did care for her. "I tried to get to know Alexis. But you didn't let me."
"What?"
"It's like…" Kate leaned forward so she could keep her voice down. "It's like you had a bubble around her. I tried to do things with her, on my days off. But you always had to one-up me. If I took her out for ice cream, you did it the next day, only you went someplace better. Or you insisted on coming with us."
"Kate-"
"So don't you dare put all this on me. No, you know what? Never mind." She drank the last of her wine and stood. "This was a mistake. Goodbye."
"Kate, wait."
She ignored him, and the other patrons, as she grabbed her purse and stormed out of the restaurant. She'd be the first to admit her failures; she had been too focused on work, often being at the precinct until late into the night. More nights than not she'd get home even after Rick had fallen asleep, and she'd be up early the next morning, back to work.
But on her days off, rare as they were, she tried to be there for both Rick and Alexis. She'd tried to be a good influence for the then-ten-year-old, wise beyond her years as she was. Alexis's mother lived on the other side of the country, and Rick's mother was touring with a Broadway show, so Alexis had limited female influence. And Kate had wanted to be, but between her mom's case and a heavy workload, she just...couldn't. And Rick had overcompensated for it.
She shivered when she stepped outside; she'd forgotten her coat, but she didn't dare go back in to face Rick. She'd just stop by the restaurant the next day and pick it up.
"Kate!"
She closed her eyes and cursed under her breath at the familiar voice. Kate squared her shoulders before turning to face him. "What?"
Rick held out her coat. "You forgot this."
"Thanks." Kate took it from him, ignoring his offer to help her put it on, and she just draped it over her arm. "Thanks for dinner."
"Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have brought that up, it wasn't the time or the place." Rick shoved his hands in his pockets. "Why don't you come over tomorrow? We can talk away from prying ears."
Kate raised an eyebrow. "What about Alexis?"
"She's at a friend's house this weekend." He sighed, deflated. "Look, I just...I haven't seen you since we signed the papers, and obviously Lanie thinks we can still be friends. Maybe we can talk?"
"Talk, huh?" Kate hesitated, but upset as she was, she had missed him. "Fine. Tomorrow."
Kate knocked on the door at ten sharp the next morning, the tray of coffee and a bag of pastries keeping her from ringing her hands together. The nerves had come out of nowhere; she'd been fine when she'd gotten up, even a little excited. But once she'd stepped into the lobby and been greeted by a surprised Eduardo, she'd started second-guessing herself.
Maybe it was a bad idea to try to reconnect with Rick. She and Lanie had chatted briefly after Kate had returned home, and while Lanie claimed it was fate, Kate had retorted with "Fate? Or scheming?"
She did have to admit, though, that it felt good being back in the building she'd called home for a few short months. It was much warmer and more inviting than her own apartment in the middle of Hell's Kitchen, with a functional elevator and no burnt out lightbulbs.
The thud and muffled curse she heard through the door was familiar, as well.
The door opened to reveal a rumpled looking Rick, but he grinned when he saw her. "Good, you came. Come on in."
From what she could see, the apartment was relatively unchanged from when she'd seen it last. She didn't recognize the pillows on the couch, and the kitchen had different decorations. But it was still warm and welcoming, masculine yet tasteful.
"Long night?" Kate asked when she took him in. His hair was wet and tousled, and she wouldn't be surprised if he'd just gotten out of the shower.
"Sort of. I started writing as soon as I got home." He led her into the kitchen, where he took the pastry bag from her hand and deposited the contents on a plate. "I don't even remember when I went to bed, but I just woke up about ten minutes ago."
Kate handed Rick his coffee. "Some things never change."
Rick gave a hum of agreement even as he took a sip of his coffee. "Oh, Kate, this is perfect. How much?"
"Nope, my treat. It's the least I could do after walking out last night." She slid onto a chair at the kitchen island and watched as he leaned back the opposite counter, facing him. "I'm sorry, again. I shouldn't have-"
"No, no." Rick pushed himself off the counter and joined her at the island, turned his chair to face hers. "We obviously both have things we'd been holding in. Seeing you, it just…"
"It brought it all back," Kate finished.
He nodded and they fell silent, sipping their coffee almost in sync. He finished his first, and waited until Kate had finished before speaking again. "What happened between us?"
Kate sighed and ran a finger along the lid of her empty cup. "We moved too fast," she admitted after a long silence. "I wasn't in a good place for a relationship, let alone a marriage, but I..." She trailed off, looked up at him in hopes that he could fill in the blanks, but his eyes were glued to the counter in front of him.
Rick swallowed, his Adam's apple bobbing. "Me too," he said, barely a whisper.
"I was drowning, Rick. Drowning in my dad's struggles, my mom's case...and you were my lifeboat," she forced, the honesty crippling even as she reached out and touched his shoulder. "I shouldn't have put that on you."
"I wanted a life with you," Rick said, his hand coming up to cover hers. He turned to face her, and Kate could see the sadness in his eyes, the regret. "I wish…shit, Kate. Why didn't we just take some time?"
"I don't know."
They sat in silence for what seemed like hours before Rick cleared his throat. "I know we can't turn back the clock, but I'd like the opportunity to move forward. Maybe we can be friends? Get to know each other again?"
Kate gave him a small smile. "I'd like that."
"I've been seeing a therapist," she admitted a few days later. She'd invited him over for dinner, and she'd felt so comfortable that she wasn't sure why she'd ever walked away from him.
Rick set his empty wine glass on the coffee table. "Yeah?"
"Yeah." Kate's glass joined his and she shifted to face him. "What happened, how we just imploded...it made me realize just how much I was spiraling. So I made a promise to myself. I wasn't going to let my mom's case define me anymore."
"I didn't want you to give it up, Kate," Rick said softly, his hand reaching towards her on the back of the couch. "It's your mom. I'd never ask you to stop investigating entirely."
Kate smiled and covered his hand with hers. "I know. But if I didn't put it away, I would keep going down that rabbit hole." She squeezed his fingers. "It's been good for me. I can focus more on the cases I catch at work."
Rick returned her smile. "I'm glad, Kate. Really." He pulled his hand back and mirrored her position. "How are you otherwise?"
"I'm…" Kate shifted her gaze from his eyes. "I'm good. My life is mostly work, you know how I am." She couldn't look at him, couldn't bear to see the way he could still see into her soul.
"Kate."
She couldn't stop herself from looking back up at him at the soft way he said her name. "I'm okay, Rick, I promise. How are you?"
Rick just raised his eyebrows, but didn't push it. "Between writing and Alexis, I keep pretty busy."
"I can imagine." They fell silent, the steady ticking of the clock the only noise for several moments. Finally, Kate had to ask the question that had been gnawing at her since she'd seen him in the restaurant. "So, you're not seeing anyone right now?"
"I wouldn't have agreed to the blind date if I was." Rick held her gaze. "I haven't been on any dates since you."
Kate felt her face flush. Oh… "Me neither," she admitted. "I wanted to, Lanie tried to set me up with a couple guys. But I didn't go out with any of them."
"So why did you this time?"
"I don't know, Rick. I guess I thought it was time to try and move on."
"Time?" He smirked. "Or-"
"If you say 'a sign from the universe,'" she interrupted with a smile, "I'm kicking you out."
Rick chuckled but didn't respond. "Look, Kate," he said after a long silence. "I'm sorry. About everything. I shouldn't have-"
"Hey, Rick?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't want to apologize anymore." She shifted closer on the couch, slid her hand along his shoulders to the back of his neck. "And I don't want to be friends."
Rick's eyes flicked to her mouth. "You don't?" he husked, his voice low, hands reaching for her waist.
Kate shook her head and dropped her gaze to his lips. "No." Her nose nudged his, and she quirked her lips at his sharp inhale. "Not only friends."
"Kate-"
She cut him off with her lips against his, and she played with the hairs at his nape, chuckled into his mouth when he moaned. "This okay?" she mumbled against his mouth when she pulled away, one hand cupping his ear.
"Yes," Rick breathed. He nudged her shoulders, pushed her back onto the couch and stretched over her. "This is more than okay."
She'd missed him. Missed his touch, how he seemed to anticipate her needs, how she fell asleep with her head on his chest, his arm firm around her shoulders. But, as the weeks passed with them spending more and more time together, she found herself wishing, not for the first time, that they'd made more of an effort to stay together in the first place.
Maybe it would have saved her a year of heartache and loneliness.
As late winter turned into spring, and then summer, her priorities continued to change. She still saw her therapist, but as she learned to put Rick and Alexis first, she found that she needed the therapy less and less. No longer did she take work home to stare at through all hours of the night.
She still had late nights and early mornings, of course, it was the nature of the job. But when she wasn't on the clock, she was at home, with the man she loved and the daughter whose trust she was gaining back.
Although they'd initially agreed to take things slow, just a few days after reconnecting, she'd known that she had no intention of letting him go. Even so, she didn't move in until almost a year of being back together.
"Kate, are you ready to go?" Rick asked on what they'd decided was their true anniversary, a year after they'd reconnected.
She slipped her heels on and gave him a smile when he helped her into her coat. "Are you going to tell me where we're going?" she teased. He'd kept the secret even when she'd tried to drag it out of him, of where they were going for dinner. Her hunch was confirmed when their car pulled in front of Drago, where they'd had their ill-fated blind date.
Dinner was uneventful, with casual conversation and hand holding and them actually finishing their meals without anyone storming off. She waited by the door while he settled the bill; she could see the town car outside, but she didn't want to leave without Rick by her side. When he finally joined her he had a smirk on his face, undoubtedly noting her hesitation, but she just rolled her eyes and took his offered hand.
"Hey," he said as they stepped outside, tugging her hand and pulling her against the wall to the side of the door. "Let's wait a sec."
Kate squeezed her hand in his when he stepped against the building, allowed him to tug her against his chest. "Everything okay?" He'd been quieter than usual during dinner, and although she knew he wouldn't keep secrets from her, it was still odd.
Rick just smiled at her, his free hand in his pocket. "It's more than okay. It's perfect, Kate." He hooked his arms around her waist and tilted his head down to kiss her, smiling against her mouth when she moaned. "I love you, so much."
"I love you too," Kate said, lifting on her toes to give him another peck on the lips. "Happy anniversary, babe." When she started to pull away he tightened his grip, and she cocked a brow at him.
"Not yet. I just want to stand here for a few more minutes with you."
Kate grinned. "You're sappy tonight. Are you sure you're feeling okay?" She placed her hand against his forehead, squealing when he grabbed her wrist and smudged a kiss against her palm. "Rick," she teased.
"Kate," he teased back. His expression turned serious, and he slipped his hand in his pocket again. "You know I love you."
"Yes, that's well-established."
"I'm serious."
"So am I." Kate took a step back so she could look into his eyes. "What's going on?"
Rick sighed. "I don't think we should have gotten back together."
Kate stepped out of his arms and crossed hers over her chest. "I'm sorry, what?" Her head was spinning; she was happy, and she thought he was too, but if he was saying that…
"Oh, no! No, not like that." Rick raked a hand through his hair and chuckled to himself. "Shit. I'm a writer, I should be better at words." He reached for her, hand landing on her arm. "We shouldn't have gotten back together, Kate, because we shouldn't have broken up in the first place."
Kate narrowed her eyes, but let him pull her into him again, and she snuck her hands beneath his coat. "I agree. You don't know how much I wish I could change the past, change the person I had been."
"We can't," Rick agreed, "but we can let it dictate our future." His hand went into his pocket once more, but when he pulled it out, he was holding something. "So, Katherine Houghton Beckett-"
Kate gasped when he dropped to one knee and opened the box in his hand. "Oh my-"
"Will you marry me?"
"Yes," she said without hesitation, pulling him back up by his coat lapels. "Oh my God, yes."
Rick chuckled as she threw her arms around his neck and kissed him, and he swung them around, pinned her against the wall. "I love you," he murmured when they parted.
Kate grinned and nudged his nose with hers. "So is that ring for me, or…" she teased, laughing when he swore and grabbed her left hand. She watched as he slid it onto her finger, tilted her hand so it would catch the light of a nearby street lamp.
"You like it?"
Kate drew her gaze from the ring to see him watching her, brow slightly furrowed, but love and adoration written all over his face. She pressed her hand against his cheek and pressed her smile to his. "I love it," she whispered, "and I love you. Now," she continued, dropping her hand so she could grip his. "Let's go home."
-FIN-
A/N: Eternal gratitude to Callie, as usual, as without her this would not have been completed. Prompt from Whisper: "I just went on a blind date and when I showed up to the restaurant, it was my ex-wife." Thank you for reading!