Dump the Chump (or Chat with Evans #4 and a half)
Sirius Black was in a major dilemma.
It was his 6th year and it was February 9th.
As was tradition in Marauder land, Sirius was responsible for the Valentines Day Prank.
Through a variety of circumstances, all of which could be blamed on someone else, Sirius found himself less than a week away from the prank with not a fucking inkling of a plan.
He had tried to get out of it- claiming that it was he who saved James' arse on Halloween but was out voted 4 to 1 which was total bullshit because it was he who made Lily Evans a tentative honorary member of the Marauders on November 13.
When they were coming back at dawn from the full moon and were approached by Slughorn, Lily had appeared out of nowhere and spun some cock and bull story about trying to gather some fucking plant in the moonlight but she had gotten lost and that "these three brave boys saved my life professor". Then after that she hadn't asked them a fucking thing about it except "Remus alright then" before giving them some sleeping potions and saying she would cover for them the next day. Sirius decided right then and there that Lily Evans was the only one good enough for his best mate and decided to make being a matchmaker his fucking mission and life and decided that the first step was to fully indoctrinate Lily Evans into their world.
Lily Evans who was supposed to fucking help him with the prank as her final task. Lily Evans who had seamlessly fallen into place with them for meals, pranks and quidditch games. Lily who had slowly been working her way into his heart since August 22.
Lily Evans, who became a bloody fucking traitor on New Years Eve when on some stupid potions trip for advanced students over Christmas Holidays she decided it would be a good idea to snog and start dating 7th year Ravenclaw prefect and overall douchebag, Nigel C. Babbington.
If Lily had just fucking listened to him and ditched the nerd trip and gone on a proper holiday with the Potters and Sirius he was sure he would be planning double dates and enjoying hanging out with his best mates' girlfriend.
Instead, all through the spring, he was stuck listening to Nigel C. Babbington discuss the proper thickness of a cauldron or how dry lavender needed to be to properly enhance the consistency of the potion. The worst part- was that James was unbothered by this development.
On the 15th of January, he tried to broach the subject with James.
"Look, mate, I'm just happy that Lily is my friend," James said "And Babbs isn't even that bad- his whole speech about aerodynamics really helped us get ahead with Hufflepuff in that match. And if Lily likes him- we have to like him….or at least tolerate him"
"His middle name is Clive- CLIVE. NIGEL. CLIVE. BABBINGTON." Sirius complained "He won't even let us call him Babbs. What sort of bloke asks to be called 'Nigel'"
"Apparently the kind of bloke Lily wants to date" James responded cheerily "Anyways- I promised my mate Evans that I'd help her with transfiguration while Babbs has rounds"
This put Sirius in such a foul mood he didn't even eat dessert that evening. Lily, of course, noticed and asked him if he was alright.
"I'll be alright once you dump the chump, Evans," he said
Lily narrowed her eyes and responded "Nigel? He is a perfectly nice bloke"
"HIS NAME IS NIGEL!" Sirius exploded and stomped dramatically from the hall.
On January 26, Sirius put a plan into place. Anytime Lily Evans entered the Gryffindor common room- he would start the chant of "dump the chump dump the chump" and through his charisma (and paying off some third years) all present would join in.
After 6 days of this, Sirius was sure Lily would crack under the pressure and either scream at him, dump Nigel C. Babbington or both.
But nothing had happened. Lily would smile and wave during the chants and carry on as usual. She knew Sirius was behind it and was treating him just as she always did.
It was driving him bloody mad. And the worst of all was that Nigel C. Babbington was actually fucking growing on him.
When every morning Sirius greeted him with an "Oi! Babbs- has Evans dumped you yet?" across the great hall, Fucking Nigel C. Babbington would respond with something that was either so clueless or brilliant Sirius was stunned to silence for the first time in his life. He could never tell if Babbington was sincere or fucking with him.
"Not yet but I'm hoping before charms let's out"
"No, unfortunately, I guess I have to put up with her obsession with dolphins a little longer"
"Sorry Sirius, I seriously fancy her"
And so on and so on.
It had been two weeks of chanting, musical numbers about why dumping Nigel C. Babbington was a great idea, and several strategically placed fliers.
By February 9, Sirius was running out of money, running out of ideas, tired of the dump the chump chants himself and tired of the daily interaction he had brought in himself with Fucking Nigel Clive Babbington.
Today's interaction was met with a "Well I haven't seen her yet today- have you?"
And Sirius was forced to an annoyingly long interaction that included discussing the weather and other mundane topics. He somehow excused himself and got to class on time.
Near the end of the day he was wandering the halls considering his misfortune and starting to consider a full-out panic attack about his as of yet unplanned prank when we saw Nigel Fucking Babbington walking towards him. Like the pro mischief maker, he was- Sirius ducked into a broom closet avoid a second interaction with said douchebag when he ran into one Lily Evans.
"Evans what the fuck?!"
"Shhh!SHUTTHEFUCKUPSIRIUSIMHIDINGYOUASSHAT" Lily said clamping a hand over his mouth
They stood very very still until the footsteps faded.
Lily removed her hand muttering "Thank God"
"Hiding from the Chump Evans?"
"No" Lily said a little too quickly and a little too defensively.
"Oh HO! You are. Shall I call for him then?"
"'NO- I mean YES- FUCK "
"Evans….." Sirius drawled "Do we need to chat about Nigel C. Babbington"
Lily just groaned and started hitting her head against the door.
"Evans... "
Holding her fingers on her forehead in an exasperated gesture Lily said "Fine. Grab the fire whiskey and I'll meet you in the usual spot in 15 minutes"
"HUZZAH!" Sirius cheered "We shall fix your problem and my problem with one chat!"
"You just want to get me drunk to plan your prank," Lily said- poking him in the chest before opening the door of the broom closet.
"Too right, but now I want to know why you're hiding from Nigel Fucking Babbington before dinner," Sirius asked as they started down the hall
"His middle name is Clive" Lily said stopping short "I'll grab us something to eat from the kitchens"
Three hours later, Sirius and Lily found themselves in the shrieking shack with a solid plan for the Valentines Prank and two bottles of Firewhiskey emptied.
After a particularly wonderful reenactment of what James trying to train the squid to dance might've looked like, Sirius decided to try his luck.
"Alright Evans" Sirius started "you've avoided it enough. Why are you hiding from Babbington?"
"His name is Nigel" Lily reminded him and then added, frowning " Nigel is very particular. He hates nicknames. And loudness and quidditch and pranks and drinking and coffee and worst of all" here, Lily lowered her voice to a whisper "he hates Christmas"
"EVANS- how" Sirius started but was by interrupted by Lily whacking him over the head
"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT YOU KNOW. He told me he hated Christmas on January 25th when I started my 11 months until Christmas countdown and he said something like 'Oh pip pip Lily every perfectly normal boring person doesn't celebrate until Advent'. And I just knew that was the last straw and decided to dump him the next morning- AND THEN YOU" Lily continued- poking Sirius in the chest "Started your bloody 'DUMP THE CHUMP' campaign and my stubbornness won out over my love of Christmas. I had to stay with him to just prove you wrong"
Before Sirius could interject she continued passionately,
"AND NOW HE IS TRYING TO MAKE VALENTINES DAY PLANS AND EVERYONE KNOWS THAT VALENTINES DAY IS 314 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS AND THE BEST DAY TO PLANT A CHRISTMAS TREE. ITS LUCKY"
Again Sirius tried to question further and she poked him again
"And I didn't even really want to date him but stupid James was all 'No- don't come with us on holiday- go on your potions trip you've been looking forward to that' and now that I actually like the prat and have been dropping squid sized hints since Halloween he just sees me as a mate AND ACTUALLY LIKES NIGEL. So this is all your fault!"
There was frankly too much to process from her rant so Sirius just said "HE DOESN'T LIKE CHRISTMAS? THE HORROR" and pretended to faint
Lily made a noise somewhere between a growl and a scream and threw her shoe at Sirius.
"No….no Evans this is great! We can totally dump the chump"
"How?" Lily asked "I've been hiding from him for 3 days and really don't want to speak to him. I might explode. He is so boring!"
"Why are you even dating him?" Sirius asked, handing her shoe back to her "I've really been baffled"
"I thought he'd annoy James the most! But then they were all 'OH HO HO lets talk about math and quidditch and transfiguration'. He's a decent song though- and you know my sleazy tendencies" Lily said as she pulled the shoe back on
"Whenever you and James figure your shit out I am going on a long long trip"
"Oh shove off Sirius. I have to dump the chump first" Lily said, sighing "What am I going to say 'my mate Sirius is right- also you hate Christmas so I hope Santa brings you coal' "
"You should just send him an owl" Sirius suggested sarcastically
"That's a brilliant idea!" Lily exclaimed and jumped up "Come on- let's go to the owlery"
Lily Evans was surprisingly strong and quick for a short person who was drunk. Sirius had no idea how they had gotten to the owlery or what Lily had written as she cackled merrily. He only knew that she was in a much better mood as they entered the Gryffindor common room she was before they got to the owlery.
"Ta, Sirius. I️ do always enjoy our chats" Lily said and gave him a big hug "Tell all the lads to call off the chanting"
As he ascended the stairs, Sirius briefly wondered if he should've proofread the note but was so giddy that he had his prank planned, Evans had dumped the chump and even better she fancied his best mate so he brushed the thought aside.
This turned out to be a terrible idea he discovered the next morning at breakfast. Sirius was on his third plate of bacon and when he was accosted by one Nigel Clive Babbington.
"Where is she?" Nigel asked not at all in his usual calm and collected manner and shaking a piece of paper in Sirius' face.
Swallowing his bacon, Sirius casually asked "sorry- who?"
Nigel's left eye twitched and he slammed a letter down on top of Sirius' plate "Lily Evans- I️ believe you're familiar with her? And before you ask yes she has dumped me at 3am this morning BY OWL"
After picking up said letter, Sirius grabbed another piece of Bacon as he casually began to read
Dear Babbs,
On January 25, it came to my attention that you are an anti Christmas person.
I️ thought I️ could move past this fact but in the weeks since I've also discovered that your only redeeming quality is that you are good at snogging.
You're dead boring otherwise. I️ need more adventure in life. Would you want to sneak out and wreck havoc on the castle with me and blame it on Slytherin? I️ doubt it.
After much discussion with my legal counselor and life coach, Sirius Black, I have decided to dump you. Consider this on official document. We are dunzo, Babbs. It was ok while it lasted.
Good luck in your future relationships,
Lily Evans
PS. You're going to lose the quidditch game on Saturday
Taking a deep breath to keep himself from laughing (and to thank God for the marvel of Lily Evans) Sirius told Nigel in his "lawyer voice", "Right well, I believe my client was clear. No need to drag this on Babbs, really she thanks you for the snogs, I️ thank you for the laughs and now pip pip cheerio off with you mate"
Nigel gave a huff and stalked out of the great hall. Minutes later, Lily plopped down next to Sirius with a cheery "Hello" and stole a piece of bacon.
"You know, Evans, as your life coach and legal counsel I have to advise you to lay off the bacon."
Sputtering Lily said "He showed you?!"
"Yes, and honestly Lily it's the most beautiful letter I've ever read. I️ look forward to reading it in my best mans speech at you and Prongs' wedding"
Rolling her eyes and taking another piece of bacon Lily told him "He doesn't fancy me anymore. Hurry up- it's only 4 days until P day and we've got work to do"
"But I️ don't really want to do the work today"
Sirius whined
Lily gave him "The Look" and he packed up the remaining bacon and followed her out of the hall.
The next three days flew by. Prank planning Lily Evans was worse and more neurotic than prank planning James Potter. Sirius would be on his way to class or the kitchens or the great hall and would get dragged into some room by Lily Evans to "check the colors" or "make sure these two words rhyme".
He hadn't even had time to divulge The Discovery to James.
In fact, James Potter was still operating under the idea that Lily Evans was still dating one Nigel Clive Babbington. Until at dinner on February 13 he asked "Oi! Babbs- any big plans for Evans tomorrow?"
He was forced to a ten-minute lecture about Gryffindors and manners and several thinly veiled insults about the quid ditch's teams chances for the February 15th game.
"So….Lily dumped you then?" James asked with what he thought might seem like sympathy but he was just grinning like a loon.
"YES! By Owl!"
No one went to bed in a better mood than James Potter on February 13th.
The next day, however, Sirius awoke in an even better mood than James went to bed. The Prank was today. Lily Evans would maybe calm the fuck down after dinner and he could go back to a life of leisure and second breakfast.
For a prank planned in 5 days, it went off without a hitch. As students passed through the halls they were bathed in pink glitter and serenaded by the suits of armor which had been charmed to recite Lily's (purposely?) dreadful poetry
"Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Valentines Day is a shit holiday"
was Sirius' personal favorite
James, however kept singing
"Shall I compare you to a summers day?
No? Summer is gross and winter is too good for you"
The poet, however was nowhere to be found. Sirius was disappointed he was unable to bask in the post prank glory with Lily but forgot as he heard a new poem
"Dumped by an owl?
Don't be blue!
You'll date someone even more dull than you!"
And laughed his way up to the common room.
Later, Lily Evans returned to the common room covered in glitter and what looked like mud.
She plopped down next to Sirius and asked with eager eyes "So….how did it go?"
"Brilliant Lily! Honestly I was skeptical at first but it was great. People hated the glitter but that is their loss but everyone thought the poems were hilarious. Where were you?"
"Planting a Christmas Tree I told you!" She said as if this was normal
"Right- 310 days or something" Sirius said mockingly
"I wish. 314 but I'll survive. Tomorrow is quidditch after all and I do so look forward to Ravenclaw getting their arses handed to them. I best be off. Ta Sirius!" Lily said and stood up and skipped up the stairs.
At breakfast, Sirius and Lily were chatting happily, minding their own business, when once again Sirius found himself accosted by Nigel C Babbington.
"We really need to stop meeting like this Babbs" Sirius said exasperatedly
"I'd like a word with Lily," Nigel said, angrily
"My client has no further word on this matter and would like to ask you cease and diciest," Sirius said turning back to his bacon
"No, No" Nigel started "Lily has offended not only myself but my date yesterday"
"Moving on quite a bit fast, eh there Babbs?" Lily asked raising an eyebrow
"Well, you know that Francesca and I have been mates forever and I already has a date planned for you and so I took her, but then she heard the owl poem-"
"Which was therefore accurate," Lily interrupted Nigel "She is the dullest. You two should have beautiful dull Babbington babies. Now if you'd excuse me I have some bacon to tend to before the match"
Francesca, who was so dull Lily and Sirius hadn't even noticed her standing there- apparently found this to be the last straw. So she picked up the bowl of porridge and a jug of pumpkin juice and emptied the contents over Lily Evans head.
"Is that dull enough for you?" She shrieked and then Nigel followed out behind her
As they ran Lily called out "NEEDED SALT- PORRIDGE TASTES PRETTY BLAND"
At that moment James Potter walked into the hall and took in the scene before him, "Alright Evans?"
"Just peachy keen, Potter. You don't happen to have a jumper I could borrow do you? Something seems to have happened to mine?" She asked as she started to pick porridge out of her hair
"I just might," James said smiling and then saying "Scourgify" to help her finish cleaning it out.
"But if I let you borrow this jumper Evans you have to wear it to every quidditch match I play in- its my lucky jumper!"
"Yes Yes Fine. I solemnly swear now hand me the damn thing I'm cold!" she exclaimed
With much fanfare and dramatics, James took off his JAMES POTTER QUIDDITCH JUMPER to reveal his jersey.
Lily, who was over the spectacle quickly pulled it over her wet jumper and miraculously pulled the wet jumper off from underneath James' without showing any skin
"How do girls DO that?" Sirius marveled at her
"Practice" Lily responded cheekily "Now don't stand there gawking Potter- don't you have some Ravenclaws to defeat? They've now threatened my honor and your chivalrous enough to defend it"
"Ah, but my lady I am in need of a favor from thee to carry with me" James said and grabbed her hand and kissed it dramatically
Playing along Lily started "Ah fair knight, take my sodden jumper as a reminder that these dull Ravenclaws can sometimes be slightly interesting"
She handed him the wet jumper and James quickly transfigured it into a handkerchief (complete with the initials LE inside of a snitch) kissed it, held it over his heart and then pocketed it before saying
"I️ shall cherish it always and beat those pesky Ravens in your honor my lady! Now I shall take my bacon and rally the team" and sweeping out of the hall.
Lily watched him with a little more than amusement dancing in her eyes.
Sirius laughed and said "He only likes you as a mate. Keep telling yourself that Evans and it might come true"
"I will stab you with this fork, Sirius" Lily said and returned to her breakfast.
The game was actually somewhat painful to watch. Gryffindor had never been so aggressive and they demolished Ravenclaw 689 to 0. Any time Ravenclaw got close to scoring James would yell "For Lady Evans" and the rallying cry would be "For Evans".
At the end of the slaughter, Lily was slightly embarrassed but extremely flattered. She found herself on the arm of James Potter for most of the night who was still acting as a posh knight. She had never laughed so hard. She'd never had butterflies so strong but James was treating her as he treated all the Marauders so she was sure the feelings weren't reciprocated.
That was until James escorted her to the bottom of the girls staircase and said "Goodnight lady Lily" and kissed her gently.
Smiling she said "Goodnight sir James"
And even though it would take 130 days, 8 more "Chats with Evans", and another incident with the giant squid for them to actually, as Sirius said, "FINALLY GET THE FUCK TOGETHER"
(on 183 days until Christmas or June 25th for peasants)-
Both Lily Evans and James Potter went to bed on February 15th with the sense of anticipation you can only get when you're a little too young and a little too much in love.