Author's Note: I imagined the narrator being Shino's hive providing instruction and commentary on the story's events. However, writing from an imperative first-person hive-mind narrator is tricky, so I hope the story isn't confusing. Also, be forewarned that there is slight Ino-bashing.

Step One: Give up on love

You're an Aburame. You were raised for murder, not matrimony. If you do marry, it will be a politically expedient wedding to a woman from another insect-using clan. You'll have two children, an heir and a backup. Then you'll live the rest of your days in mutual apathy.

The other option would be to let us swarm your suitors until they got the message. Your clan won't let you marry a boy, but plenty of your cousins are hermits. You could live in a nice cottage by the woods and spend your days chatting with your hive, like you did as a kid.

True, it would be a lonely life. Bugs can't do the same things a boyfriend can. But you'd keep your reputation. You'd keep your freedom. And of course, you'd always have your copy of Icha Icha Boys' Love Edition.

Step Two: Stop staring

You're wearing a hood and goggles and you're still being obvious. Yes, Sai is sexy. Yes, he has dark eyes and smooth hair and flawless, porcelain abs…but those aren't excuses! He's a friend. Friends don't objectify friend's butts.

Besides, what would happen if you were found out? Kiba and Hinata already find you creepy. If they learned you like boys, they'd run for the hills. Maybe even turn you in for 'therapy'. Konoha's not the most tolerant place after all.

And Ino... she would kill you. You saw what she did to that jonin who flirted with Sai. Do you want to spend the next two weeks in the psych ward? No? Then listen to us and ignore him.

Too late. He caught you staring. He's walking over. Quick, pretend you're speaking to one of us – Oh. Wait. Apparently the Konoha Wildlife Preserve needs illustrations for their species encyclopedia. As wants your help summoning bugs so he can draw them.

How convenient.

Step Three: Keep calm

On the way to the forest, Sai peppers you with questions: How often do you hang out in town? Where do you eat? What do you eat, when you eat at these places?

Does he think you're a stalker? You really did come out today to get lunch. Spotting your crush was an unfortunate coincidence. Whatever. Just keep your answers short and professional.

The conversation dies out. The deeper you go into the preserve, the wider his smile gets. It looks painful.

Don't talk. You'll just make things more awkward.

Stop here. There's a nest of tortoise beetles nearby. Those should be interesting enough for illustrations, right? Sai gets out his notepad. He's good – he draws the spiracles, the mandibles, even the tarsal claws. People always forget the tarsal claws.

Play it cool. Chin down. Hands in pockets. No staring.

Sai stops drawing. He asks if he's said something to offend you. You were talkative when he first met you, but since then it seems like you've been avoiding him. He starts rambling about how he's bad with people and doesn't understand feelings and can you possibly forgive him?

Wow. Okay, staying quiet was bad advice. Our bad.

Tell him he's fine, and that you're bad with people too. Actually, go ahead and chat with him. It would be good for you to have another friend.

Step Four: Carry on

It's only been a month since you two began hanging out, and Sai's already asking you to pick a nickname. This is big. Huge. This could affect the tone of your friendship from now on.

So for the love of all things buggy, do not say Shadow. That's the kind of nickname a nine-year-old would come up with. Sai will lose all respect for you. Seriously, do not – you said Shadow. You're such a dork.

Change the subject. Ask what he wants you to call him.

Why is he making that face? Is he upset? Ask him what's wrong!

He says this is his first nickname. Seriously? He's given one to practically everyone in Konoha, and nobody's nicknamed him back? Not even his girlfriend?

Okay, think. Sai deserves something good…

Step Five: Mind your own business

Sai and Ino had another fight today. It was the same as the rest: Ino saw him training with Sakura. Some conspiracy overtook her brain, and she accused Sakura of stealing her man. Poor Sai broke the girls apart, calmed Ino down, and kissed her on the cheek to prove he was still attracted to her. Then the three made up.

Sai always comes to you after these fights. He sees you as a bridge between his logic and everybody else's emotions. He wants you to explain what he's doing wrong.

In truth, there's nothing to explain. Ino's letting her rivalry with Sakura overtake her common sense. But Sai is convinced he's doing something to set Ino off – wearing some expression, or saying the wrong word.

We know you have a lot of choice words for Ino, but you can't confront her. You'd go too far, reveal your hidden feelings on the matter. You'd only make trouble for Sai if you got involved.

Step Six: Control your hormones

You messed up today. Big time. Having a picnic in the glow worm cave was questionable enough. But when Sai ran into that hanging moss? You should have let him untangle himself. He's ANBU, after all.

Instead you picked at his hair like a chimpanzee. You spent ten minutes plucking out the moss, then stared into his eyes. And he just stared back, wondering what the heck was going on. If we hadn't come out when we did, you would have done something unbearably stupid.

Be honest. He's never going to leave Ino for you. She graduated head of the Academy. She's friends with every girl and admired by every guy. She's like some kind of heteronormative princess. And, well…we love you Shino, but you're nobody's princess.

Step Seven: Get involved

Whatever happened in Ichiraku's, it must've been bad. Sakura's crying. Choji's panicking. Shikamaru has Naruto by the collar. Ino's calling Sai a thesaurus of insults: Liar. Cheater. Heartbreaker.

You're not the only passerby watching. Civilians are gathering around the stand, giving commentary as the drama unfolds. She's crying and Sai's not, so they assume she's the victim. They don't know Ino's history.

Sai's looking frantically through his reference book. Ino slaps it out of his hands. Sakura shoves Ino away. Some idiots start chanting about a cat fight.

Go, while everybody's distracted. Grab Sai's hand and lead him out of this mess. We'll rescue his book from everyone's feet. No need to thank us. Just take your friend and run.

Step Eight: Dodge the question

It's been two weeks since the fight. Surprisingly, Ino wasn't being paranoid. Sai was actually leaving her. He said his heart belonged to somewhere else. You're the only person who recognized he meant "to someone else."

Who though? Sakura? Tenten? Hinata? You ask and you ask, until finally he agrees to tell you. At dusk. In the forest. With nobody in earshot.

Come sunset, you meet him in the forest. Sai doesn't bother with small talk. He immediately takes out his notebook and reads a list of questions. How do you confess romantic feelings? How do you know someone returns those feelings? What are you, personally, attracted to in a person?

Tell him you can't answer these questions because you're not attracted to anyone in the village right now (That's technically the truth, since you're outside the city limits.). Remind him this conversation is about his feelings, not yours, so-

Wait, why is he walking away?

Step Nine: Follow him

Sai tells you it's fine, that you answered his question. Except he's clearly not fine, and you haven't answered any questions. In fact, you have more questions than when this conversation started. He says he doesn't know how to explain.

Make him point to it in his book. Or draw it. Have him mime it out if he needs to!

He asks if this counts as consent, which doesn't make sense, but sure, say you consent-

He's kissing you.

No, that's not possible. This is a misunderstanding. He's simply using his lips to move your lips, and - okay, that's the definition of kissing. Why is he kissing you?

He stops, steps back, and waits for you to unfreeze.

Okay, let's figure this out. He kissed you, which means he's attracted to you. If he's attracted to you, that means this is a love confession. If this is a love confession, then…that means...Sai likes you back?

Step Ten: Kiss

Grab his shoulders. Press your lips to his. Good, he's pressing back. Now press a little harder. Not that hard, you're going to fall-

Ack. The grass is wet. We told you to be careful. Now help him up.

Or you two can keep kissing each other.

You know what? You don't need our help anymore. Do whatever you want.

Notes:

1: Yes Tortoise Beetles are an actual thing. They're bright gold and hang out in forests, so they'd likely be in the Wilderness Preserve.

2: FYI, Sai and Shino first met on the three-tails mission. Shino's introduction was LONG.

3: I feel a little bad for making Ino the 'bad girlfriend', but I also wanted Sai to have non-Shino reasons to leave her. I wanted to avoid the stereotype of 'bisexual swaps partners just because they happen to find another gender attractive'.

As always, reviews are appreciated.