A/N: The work's title comes from a song by the Imagine Dragons. The chapter's title from a song by the Fray.
This may be a bit OOC, but don't judge what is happening before knowing why and how. I will explain, promise.
I'm sorry if there are mistakes, English is not my language.
Enjoy! And if you like it, please leave a review.
Chapter One: How to save a life
She has to find her.
The blood covers her hands and screams crack her mind. She hears them crying out in pain, she can see them dying. Innocent voices point their fingers at her. Murderer, they're saying. She sees their skin burning, she hears them calling out for mercy. And she gave none.
Their children away from them, with a weak promise that they'll be fine, they died with nothing but fear and desperation. And she knows that.
Her mother will take care of them, her people will help them. But she can't stand looking in their eyes. She's the one who killed their parents. All of them. They were innocent, and she killed them without wavering.
But none of that matters. She has to find her.
Clarke has been wondering in the woods for days now. And yet she can't make out Polis. She should be almost there by now. But the forest still envelops her not willingly to give up.
She does not know what she will do once she reaches the capital. She does not know if they will let her see the Commander. But she needs to try.
And finally she can see the shape of a city in the distance. When she comes closer to gate some guards points weapons at her. She stops and let them know she means no harm. She asks about the Commander.
They recognise her as the Skai Prisa and she doesn't question when they say that Heda is waiting for her. She doesn't say anything when a more talkative guard tells her that Heda was about to send a messenger to the Sky People. She doesn't even show to notice when Indra, at the front of the Commander's tent, shut him up. However she does notice that something about her looks different. And there's no hate in her looks, no disappointment or disgust directed at her in her eyes.
Lexa wouldn't send her a message. She would guess that the Sky People don't want anything to do with them again.
When she enters the tent she tries her best not to flinch. She was expecting this, but it doesn't make it any easier to see the woman on the throne.
A woman who is not Lexa.
She looks more intimidating, ruthless and merciless than Lexa does. Lexa radiates strength and control, but this woman spreads out fear and power. She seems taller than Lexa, but her war paint is fainter. It's not as dark as the one of Indra, but it's the most complicated war paint Clarke has ever seen on a grounder. It speaks of royalty and grace. Her eyes are a dark shade of brown, nothing compared to the green ones Clarke lost herself into a fair amount of times. Lexa's eyes spoke when she couldn't, this ones say nothing and carry nothing but warning and hunger.
"The Princess of the Sky People has come to us. What a wonderful surprise. I wanted to send words to have a meeting with you, so I am well pleased that you are here." her voice is calm and sweet as honey. Too sweet to be sincere.
"I went to speak with the Commander. To show your people that we have survived. Even after your betrayal." she pauses. "But I can see she's no longer here."
The new Heda smiles approvingly. "This is no longer her throne. She was a coward and she let us be seen as cowards. She deserved her fate."
Clarke stomach flinches. What have they done? Is she too late?
"You will not get apologies from me, Sky Princess. Because it is not my place to apologize for someone I do not consider of my people and who's no longer with us." she is testing Clarke. She's looking at Clarke as if searching for any sing that she cares for what has happened to Lexa. She's searching her for weakness.
"But I gave you revenge. I punished the traitor and I hope that will be enough. I have a new alliance for you and your people. You will not have to fear any weakness from me, I do not run from a fight. Ever." her voice has turned cold near the end of the sentence.
Clarke needs to earn time. She needs to know more about this woman. She doesn't trust her and she's afraid that she's right in not doing it.
"Trust will need to be earned again. I will stay here for a few days. You can prove me that I can trust you. You can show me how you're different from the last one. Then I will make a decision, I will go back to my people and we can have a proper meeting soon after."
Heda smiles again. She seems pleased with Clarke firmness. She waves for a guard and orders to ready a room for the Sky Princess in her quarter. She then stands up and is about to say something, her smile still in place, but Clarke speaks first.
"How did you punish the former Commander?" her voice gives away nothing about how worried and broken she feels. And she's proud of herself for that.
On the Commander's face appears a sad expression. "Why do you care, Sky Princess?"
"I want to make sure that she's been punished like she deserved. It was not your place. I should have been the one to do it. But if you've already done it, at least I want to make sure you did it properly." her voice doesn't shiver. Her chin stays high and her body is still. As if she were indifferent. And she is so not indifferent. The opposite. She feels her heart being torn apart, again.
The smile returns. Heda looks convinced about her answer. "You can be the one who give her the last punishment. I guess it is only fair. The coward is not dead yet. I have to give it to her, she's tough. I can take you to her now, if that's your wish." another test.
She can't seem eager to see Lexa. She straighten her posture and shakes her head. "There will be time for that. Keep her alive until I can take care of her too."
Again the Commander looks a bit surprised, but pleased.
"Now I would like to see your city. I've heard that Polis is magnificent. Let's see if it is true or if it's just the pride of your warriors."
She smiles at Clarke again and leads the way out of the tent.
Polis truly is magnificent. Lexa was right. There are high buildings and craftsmen sell their handiworks along the streets. There are all kind of stands. Someone sells food, someone jewellery, some people are sat on stools while someone braids their hair. Then she sees a bigger stand where there are only a few people. She moves closer to see what it's about.
Those people are receiving tattoos. They look like warriors and there's an atmosphere of solemnity.
"Is it ritual?" she can't help but ask.
"Sort of. It's an important moment of a warrior's life. We don't get our marks and tattoos casually. They have a meaning and we have to earn them." the voice is sweet again, but steel.
She can't stop herself from imagining Lexa telling her these things. She figures Lexa standing there beside her, talking about her people's culture and traditions. Then she would ask more and more, she would be eager to know and they would go on talking until Lexa would have shown her the whole city. But Lexa's not here. She's probably in a great amount of pain somewhere in the city or near it. And she can't go to her. Not yet.
Her life seems to be a collection of "not yet"s. Will she ever be able to live the present?
She felt the need to grieve for Finn, but she couldn't because war was awaiting her. She felt something for Lexa, but she couldn't settle on it because her people needed her and she had to think about how keeping them alive in war. She was broken, shattered into pieces by Lexa and she hadn't the time to think about that or to fight the pain because she had to save her people, she had to think about how taking her people out. She wanted to let the pain crush her, she wanted the time to fight and tame it, the pain of loosing her soul for killing so many innocents, but she had to find Lexa. Now she would like to do nothing but run to the girl she has lost her soul for, but she's stuck with the new Commander. She wants to give in to her feelings, but she needs to stay strong and pretend that nothing can affect her.
"Do your people use tattoos for a different meaning?" the voice could sound curious, if it weren't for her eyes. They say nothing and are void of any emotion.
"Yes. They are not common in the first place. And when someone gets a tattoo is because they like it or it means something special to them. It doesn't have to mean something for everyone, it can be a personal thing. Usually it is not ritual." she doesn't want to speak about her people with this woman, but she has to. She has to smile and pretend she's willingly to think about the alliance she proposed.
"Have you got any, Sky Princess?"
The title on her lips sounds wrong. When Lexa used it, it made Clarke smile mildly. But coming from this woman's mouth it sounds dark and bitter.
"Yes, I have."
"I have some too. They represent my strength and power, my skill and prowess in battle." she smirks at her and Clarke thinks it's frightening. She looks like an animal hunting its prey.
"You could get one from our clan after we seal a new alliance. To show you fight with us and we stand by your side."
Clarke doesn't know what to say. "I'll think about that" she doesn't want to give her nothing but what is strictly necessary.
She nods but she seems a bit disappointed.
The Commander takes her to the training warriors and she comments some strategy or some particular skill. She sounds proud of her warriors. And that pride may be the first sincere emotion Clarke has seen in her eyes. Or we should say on her face, because her eyes are shining now, but it's not of pride. And Clarke is worried.
It is almost dark and Clarke is invited to have dinner with the Commander.
A long table is prepared for them and the generals. Behind that Clarke can see several others where warriors are sitting. Even further away she can make out yet other tables and she guesses that's where common people will sit.
At the head of the table, next to each other, are two thrones, a bigger one, amazingly decorated, and a smaller one, simpler but still remarkable. She figures the smallest one has been brought for her, but the Commander doesn't seem to take it nicely.
She points to the little throne and yell something. Some people hurry up to take it away. When they're coming back, Heda finally goes back to English.
"I wish to treat you as my equal and for everyone to do the same. I will not disrespect you and my people will treat you as the leader you are. The strong one who took down the Mountain." some people cheer at her last words and she gives Clarke a pointed look which seems to tell her that Lexa wouldn't have done that.
Clarke doesn't care. The act only worries her more. This Commander doesn't treat her like the other grounders have done when they first saw her. She treats her like a friend. She pretends to be kind and friendly and Clarke knows better than that.
In the middle of the dinner something hits her. And she asks, scolding herself for not having asked it before. The Commander must have thought that she doesn't care and, as true as it may be, she can't have her think so.
"So, Commander, you haven't told me your name yet." she tries to sound casual and relaxed.
The woman beside her laughs throwing her head slightly backwards. "I thought you would have never asked." she smiles widely. "My name is Nydia."
She's about to say her name too, out of habit, but she figures she should already know that.
"I'd like if you used my name to address me, Clarke."
She hates her name on her lips. Lexa made it sound special, she rolled it on her tongue and made it come out so good that sometimes it caused goosebumps to rise on Clarke's arms.
"If that's what you wish, Nydia."
Her smile would terrify Clarke if her heart weren't already too full of pain and sorrow to contain anything else.
Personal guards are assigned to her and they stay outside Clarke's room. Heda said she cares for her safety and there may be people loyal to the former Commander who she hasn't found and punished yet.
Clarke sleeps with an eye open and her gun under the pillow, her hand brushing against it.