PARODY #3- Proof that I wish edward's nonexistant brain existed so he could be more appealing to those who are mature even though he's totally fictional and needs an awesome hungarian horntail tattoo like Harry [totally kidding…]

Edward had been thinking about it for weeks now, months even! He had

stayed up half the night thinking about it and he knew he would never

be happy unless it was this way.

As the sun rose he got up from bed and went to the phone, he knew

Bella slept late, or early, he could never remember her schedule

because she was so full of herself.

He heard the reciever ringing and then it went to voicemail- Hey this is Bella!! I can't get to the phone right now so leave a message and i'll call you back!!

What a jerk she is, Edward thought. What made me see the light? He remembered with a jolt the amazing night he'd spent with a special person not so long ago. Oh yeah, he thought. Now I remember.

After the tone Edward spoke, his voice sounded funny after all those hours of silence. "Um… Hey Bella, It's Edward here and I'm really sorry to tell you this, but… I think we should stop seeing each other. I hope you don't hate me, and we can still be friends! I hope you're doing well, so… have a good day!" He hung up.

He knew what he said was hollow and unmeaningful but he didn't care, as long as he could be with that who he loved, and persue his lifelong dream that Bella was holding him back from.

Edward made his way into the kitchen and made some coffee. After his first sip the phone rang. He knew whoo it was before he picked it up.

"Hello, Edward here."

"Edward! What do you mean 'we shouldn't see each other'!? I love you and I thought you loved me!! How can you be such a stupid—"

"Sorry Bella, I just don't think we're right for each other. I thought I felt something but I was wrong. Sorry punk. Don't call me again. I'm moving soon so leave me alone! I'm sick of you and your immaturity and always—"

"WHY ARE YOU BEING SUCH A JERK EDWARD CULLEN!?!?!?!?!?" Bella screamed.

Edward was fed up, he pressed the "End Call" button with such ferocity that the button got stuck. After fixing it with a tube of toothpaste, a slice of fruitcake, and dental floss he took the batteries out of every phone in the house.

Edward finished his coffee and sat on the couch, watching episode of 'The Bachelorette' that he missed last Tuesday and recorded on his DVR as he played Lady GaGa version of Tap Tap Revenge on his iPhone.

After he finished his theme song (Beautiful, Dirty, Rich) he got sick of LadyGaGa and stopped playing on his iPhone and turned his Wii on to play Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince while he waited for a certain other phone call.

The phone rang…

"Hello, Edward here."

"Hello Mr. Cullen this is Mr. FloopenflabenMcdoodlebirdyflappywaffleMacbay."

"Oh, well hello sir."

"Mr. Cullen, I'm sorry to say you were not accepted. Your resume was not found satisfactory. 'Drinking blood', 'lifting heavy objects', and ''hating people' were not nice things to put on your resume so you have not been accepted. If you really want to get a job then change your reume!!!"

"Yes sir. I'm sorry youu feel that way, thank you."

Edward was crushed. He crossed over to the wall next to a mirror and saw his list on the corkboard. He grabbed his pink, fluffy, bunny pen and crossed off one of the jobs on the list:

Banker

He sighed. He had wanted to become a banker for a long while, but there were still some jobs he had applied for that had yet to call.

He eventually got bored making potions for Slughorn so he got a book. As soon as he had flipped to THE PAGE the phone rang, Thank God! He thought.

"Hello, Edward here."

"Hey Mr. Cullen, Miss. Leon here."

"Hello ma'am, how are you?"

"Wonderful, thanks! But sadly, that is the opposite of the news I have. I talked to my boss and I'm sorry there are no positions available here."

"That's fine! Just fine! Thanks anyways, Miss. Leon. Bye."

Edward got up, crossed to the cork board, got his special pen and crossed another job off…

Waffle-Maker

He went back over to the couch and decided to watch a show about cheerleaders. He just loved shows about girls wearing short-skirts and half a shirt. Too bad Bella never wore that stuff… He thought to himself as he drooled over the girls parading across the TV screen.

Right when a girl had done a painful-looking split Edward's iPhone rang, interrupting his paused game of Tetris. He paused the TV and answeered his phone…

"Hello, Edward here."

"Hey Mr. Cullen, Joe Schmoe here and I need to make it fast but I'm sorry, theres no free positions or needs for that type of work here but if you try again next summer, I'm sure there'll be an open position, Millie's moving to Transylvania!"

"Okay sir, thanks."

Edward was crushed, three jobs in a row!? How depressing. He crossed off another job…

Work at funtown/splashtown usa selling ping-pong balls

One more job left, he hoped he would get it.

Edward got sick of watching hot girls once they put sweaters and jeans on so he changed it to Nickelodeon.

"OMG! iCarly's on!!!" He was psyched, iCarly was is fave show of all times (apart from teletubbies, boobah, MMA, and nascar). Right when Spencer was screaming because he was stuck to something the phone rang again.

"Hello, Edward here."

"'ello Monsieur Cullen, it is Madame Victoire 'ere. I am 'appy to announce you 'ave gotten the job!"

"YAY!!!!!!!" Edward screamed.

"'oo start tomarrow! 'oo will need to be trained but it vill be fun anyvays! Au revoir!"

"Bye!" Edward hung up the phone and ran to his cork board and nderlined his new job…

VICTORIA'S SECRET

"Yay! I start tomorrow!!"