It's a tour de force of vehicular design. So red. And sleek. No car has ever had hubcaps like these (because no car has ever had hubcaps designed by Annie-the-Bedazzler-queen). And Abed was totally right: The neon-green lightening bolt on the side is basically the most awesome thing ever, no matter what Jeff says.
As the group begins to wheel their masterpiece towards the giant hill at the edge of campus (how had they never noticed it before?), Troy is totally confident of one thing: The "Greendale Lightening" is totally gonna punch City College's go-kart in the face.
Yeah. City College's go-kart has like, rockets attached to the back. Right.
And, okay, great. When the Dean said he'd convert the hill into a track, he meant he'd throw down some gravel. Really painful looking gravel. Because... No, Troy has no idea why, and the Dean's too busy making creepy comments about Jeff's hair through a megaphone to explain.
But that's fine. He'll rock this. He's Troy Barnes. T-Bone. Second-best athlete at Greendale. With him at the wheel, there's no way they can lose.
Even so, he could kind of use a Jeff Winger motivational speech right now. You know, just for that extra oomph of awesome. But City College takes the rules disturbingly seriously, and apparently that means only drivers at the starting line.
He glances over at the group, crowded together at the roped-off sideline. There's Annie with her "Deploy Troy" sign, which actually makes more sense here than at a pep rally, so that's something. Shirley squeels and claps when she sees him looking. Peirce and Britta flash matching thumbs up (Britta notices, shudders, and switches to an unfortunate fist pump). Jeff mouths Be like me with an encouraging nod. And Abed... Abed isn't there.
Troy looks around, heart racing. No, definitely no Abed. Suddenly the sleekness, the redness, the sparkling wheels and even the lightening bolt don't disguise that "Greendale Lightening" is really just a converted wagon they'd found at the dump. A dump-wagon that they'd allowed Peirce to attach new wheels to because he'd felt undervalued, which, now that Troy thinks about it, was a pretty horrible idea.
The Dean slides up beside him with a manic smile. "Troy? You ready to whip some City College butt? Not that I have any bias. As official go-kart announcer and referee, I definitely don't have any bias." He winks and mouths Go Greendale before dashing off to the podium-slash-announcer's booth.
Troy wipes his sweaty palms on his pants and looks at the City College go-kart. Jeremy Simmons flashes an evil grin, points at "Greendale Lightening" and giggles. Troy throws his best Forest Whitaker face in return, but it doesn't stop the nervous twinging in his stomach.
The Dean's voice crackles over the megaphone. "And now ladies, gentlemen, and City College students, it's time for the first ever Greendale-City College go-kart race! Drivers, step forward and — Wait! Abed — "
Troy's heart jumps and he turns just as Abed leaps over the sideline ropes and dashes to his side, stopping short just a few inches away. Panting, Abed holds up a bright pink helmet emblazoned with an Ewok sticker. It's kind of the dorkiest thing Troy's ever seen.
"This was looking less The Fast and the Furious and more Jackass," Abed explains. He waves the helmet at Troy. "And I don't want you to die."
Die? Die!
As if reading Troy's mind, Abed rambles on. "Well, probably not die. But I figure we're in a Judd Apatow-eque buddy comedy, and normally something bad happens to one buddy so the other one realizes how much their friendship means. I don't want this to turn into James Franco going to jail in Pineapple Express. And definitely not James Franco in 127 Hours," he adds, shuddering. "I don't want to spend all night in the hospital while you recover. I don't like hospitals."
The Dean's shouting, and campus security is running up the hill, so Troy grabs the helmet and jams it on. Screw looking stupid. On impulse, he pulls Abed into a hug.
"Thanks man."
Abed's grinning when Troy lets him go, but the campus cops are almost up the hill so he dashes off without another word, running full tilt back towards campus.
Troy marches over to "Greendale Lightening." He can totally rock this.
He wakes up, confused. He slowly sits, world un-blurring as he blinks. Thin blanket. Hard bed. Shining metal. Damn, he's in the hospital. What happened? He remembers a rush, a thrill, a scream, black. His head hurts. Well, that makes sense.
He looks to the left, and there's Abed in an identical bed, contemplating a half-eaten cup of jello. Abed smiles, and waves. "You're awake."
Troy blinks, trying to figure it out. "Why are you in the hospital?"
Abed tilts his head. "We're not in the hospital. Just the nurse's office." He points at the wall, and Troy sees a uniquely Greendale anti-STD sign. Oh.
"What happened?"
"From what I hear, you won. But then you wiped out."
"Oh."
"I got tasered," Abed adds.
"Oh." That must have been because of the helmet. "Sorry."
Abed shrugs. "You're okay."
There's something in the way he says it that sounds... Something. It hurts too much to try to think about it right now, so Troy just says "Oh" again. And then he adds, "Sorry I still ended up in the hospital."
Abed shrugs again. "Nurses' offices don't bother me." He takes a bite of the jello. "I would have gone to the hospital with you. If you'd needed to."
That's really nice, actually. Troy smiles, but that makes his head hurt more so he stops. "Me too, man."
"Cool. Cool, cool, cool."
Yeah. Cool. Troy settles back into bed. All in all, this didn't turn out too bad.