05/08/2009 20:42:00
Parody #4- Edward's Brilliant New Makeover [sarcasm]
Written by: Ginny and Hermione
Edward had dreamed of this for weeks and the day finally came! That morning he rushed to get dressed, clean his hand gloves and put them on, (attempt to) comb his (ratty) hair, and get his dump truck (stolen from the company Mr. Trashy when they came to take his garbage to the dump…long story… don't ask) back from his cousin Francis (a particularly ugly pirate) who had been using it to bring some Twinkies to fish that lived in the ocean.
The dump truck started with ease and (after letting out a disgusting smell of rotting garbage) proceeded to roll down the street jumpingly.
All the people who were driving today are completely insolent Harry Potters! (Supposed to be a HUGE insult…) Edward thought to himself as an old lady who looked like a bad tempered flamingo (she was wearing a feathery pink hat and had very red eyes) cut him off. She doesn't even look like she's normal, maybe an escapee from the psychiatric ward at St. Raisin's Hospital!!!! Her license plate says AuntMuriel, probably some weirdo with a personalized license plate with their name, those are so overrated.
He turned the corner angrily as he came into town and saw his dump truck reflected for a moment in the glass of a store window so he could see his license plate: sprklyprncss
Edward was still angry as he turned into the parking lot for the beauty salon. He combed his hair quickly and then proceeded inside.
"Hello, welcome to Salon for a Princess," said the lady who sat behind the pink, sparkly welcoming desk. "Do you have an appointment or are you a walk-in?"
"I have an appointment of course. My name is," he tried to look cool (and failed horribly). "Edward Cullen."
"Er… okay sir, so you have…"-she consulted her appointment book- "manicure, pedicure, hair cut, hair styling, hair cleansing, hair gel, hair brushing, back rub, seaweed wrapping, eyelash trimming, eyelash curling, dentist appointment, and makeup. Whoo!" she wiped her head with the back of her hand "You have a busy day sir!!"
"I know, but I'm Edward," -he tried to look cool again (failing miserably once more)- "Cullen."
"Erm…. Lovely, follow me please sir." The girl led him over to a small table across from which was an austere-looking man. "This is Patrickjoefeatherhead Bubblebuttfiredogjacketunderpantiesonalinewith-donutsandpastramiwithanitsybitsyyellowpolkadotbikini-Kelpstick the 19th but you can call him Frank."
Edward chuckled slightly at this slight bit of humor that was then gone at the threatening look Frank gave him so he shut up, sat down and put out his hands for Frank (two/three being the best things he'd ever done).
"Well, can you please paint my nails rainbow with silver sparkles and a pink poodle on each thumb please?" asked Edward in his politest and cheeriest manner he had ever done. "Or I'll eat you because I'm a vampire!" he smiled happily showing his disgustingly, yellowing, overlong fangs that could pierce somebody's "nice skin" with help of a golf ball, a turkey sandwich, eye drops, eyebrow tweezers and some "potatoes".
Edward removed his gloves revealing disgusting, hairy, long fingernailed hands that looked in need of a good wash.
"Er… okay." Said Frank, looking nauseous. Then Frank set to work, and half an hour later Edward's hands were looking un-hairy and manicured like a princess's.
"My hands are looking just like a princess's!" Edward exclaimed with delight. "Thanks Frank! HUG!!" Edward gave Frank an air hug and ran off to the pedicure station, leaving Frank looking bewildered and disturbed.
"Hello," said a grumpy –looking lady who had dark hair, dark eyes and said her name was Romilda.
"Hi Rommie-ilda!" Edward said joyfully. "Just a normal pedicure please!" He took off his shoes, displaying his neon blue and neon orange socks with bats and fangs.
"Er, nice socks," said Romilda, smiling a little. "Did you get them at Freaks-R-Us?"
"No, no, silly Rommie-ilda!" Exclaimed Edward happily (apparently not aware he'd just been suckishly insulted). "Some Mouse-Help gave them to me! His name was Doaby or Dobley or something."
"You mean a House-Elf?" Asked Romilda. "It was Dobby I think. I saw him running through the halls while we evacuated Hogwarts for that last battle when---"
"STOCKING PANTALOONS!!!!!!!!" Screamed Edward. Everyone in the Salon looked at him as he blushed. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I wanted to be random…"
"Whatever," Romilda said. "Why did Dobby come? And can you please take off your socks so we can start your pedicure?"
Edward reached down and took off the blue sock off his left foot. Romilda screamed in horror. Edward's feet were completely revolting. They were gnarled, hairy, yellow toenailed, and smelled of rotten eggs and burning dirty underwear.
"What's wrong?" Edward gasped.
"Y-Your f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-feet," Romilda stuttered. "They're REVOLTING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"That's not a very nice thing to say to someone!" exclaimed Edward, close to tears (and apparently unaware he just quoted Lily Evans).
"I'm sorry," Said Romilda. "But tell me, do you want me to shave your feet?"
Edward sulked the whole time his feet were being shaved. It took 15 razors and 9 bottles of shaving cream (for each foot).
"So," said Romilda as she changed her disposable gloves after an hour of shaving half of the first of Edward's feet. "What were you saying about Dobby?"
"Oh," said Edward as he watched her put new gloves on. "He was really supposedly sent to kill me but instead he apologized, hit himself with the lamp a few times, and gave me socks. Then he disappeared into thin air!"
"Who did he say sent them?" Romilda asked with interest.
"Someone named Larry Gotter or something. Maybe it was Parry Lotter. I can't remember, but something like that!'
"OMG!! Your mean Harry Potter!!" Said Romilda excitedly.
"Er… who is Harry Potter?" asked Edward
"Dude, you're a complete arse! How do you not know who Harry Potter is!? I used to fancy him..."
"Er… well, who is he?" Edward asked, irritated at the lack of answer.
"He's the one who defeated You-Know-Who!!"
"No, I don't know who, so tell me before I bite you!"
"His name was… his name was… Voldemort." Romilda whispered the name like it was cursed as she stopped shaving his foot for a moment so she could shudder. "But we call him You-Know-Who, or He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."
" Whose Volde-"
"Don't say his name!!"
"Who's You-Know-Who then?" Edward asked curiously.
"The most evil… er… how do I put this in Muggle terms!?"
"What's a Luggle?" asked Edward, giggling slightly (a sickening noise that sounded like an annoying, constipated mouse with a raisin). "It sounds like a fluffy little bunny (like mine) that has long hair-----"
"Dude, SHUT UP!!" said Romilda as she renewed the shaving of Edward's sweatery feet. "Harry Potter is the most amazing person in the world!!!!! He's courageous and amazing and brave and stupendous and chivalrous—"
"You do know you're only using synonyms, right??" asked Edward as he poked the hair on the foot Romilda had not yet shaved.
"I know," said Romilda defensively. "I used to fancy him. Did you know that at school we werein the same year…?"
"Oh my shiny raisins on steroids, I didn't" admitted Edward as he watched Romilda get a new razor and start shaving his other overly hairy foot.
"Like OMG!! Did you hear about how he became an auror when he was, like, seventeen?! That's, like, a huge achievement!!!!"
Getting sick of gossiping about some dude who Romilda was talking about like he was better than Edward (which he undoubtedly is because Harry is awesomely amazing like that… though Edward's brain is so screwed up he thinks the opposite) Edward let his mind drift as Romilda continued the rhythmic (unless she came across a gnarl) shaving of his foot until she was done.
"Done!" Romilda said triumphantly as she threw the 30th razor and eighteenth bottle of shaving cream into the garbage can.
"Thanks Rommie-ilda," said Edward. "Not to poop on your golf course or anything but now you still have to give me the pedicure-ish part of my pedicure,"
Romilda closed her eyes and sighed exasperatedly. She sat with her head in her knees for a few moments then looked up.
"Fine," she said, roughly grabbing the cream to rub Edward's feet with. She screamed.
"What now??" asked Edward concernedly.
"Why," sighed Romilda. "Are your feet hairy again!?!??!?" She screamed the last few words.
"Oh," said Edward. "You didn't know vampire's feet-hairs grow extra fastededly?"
Romilda couldn't take any more. She got up, dumped a full bucket of water on his head, then walked away.
"WELL then," said Edward. "I suppose I will just continue on to my other appointments."
After Edward's hair cut, hair styling, hair cleansing, hair gel, hair brushing, back rub, seaweed wrapping, eyelash trimming, eyelash curling and dentist appointment, he made his way to his last appointme-nt.
"Hi," said Edward, clearly not tired after all his appointments with various people concerning hair, eyelashes, hair byproducts, eyelash byproducts, hair-eyelash byproducts, eyelash-hair byproducts and tap-dancing raisins.
"Hello, sir," said a lady with long hair and bright eyes. "You sure look lovely today!"
"Thanks," said Edward. "Though it's mostly natural loveliness,"
The lady giggled. "My name is Lavender," she said, extending a hand with hot (with one 't') pink fingernails. "Lavender Brown."
"I'm Edward," he said, trying to look cool again (and failing more miserably than the first two times). "Edward Cullen."
"You're Edward Cullen!?!?!?" Lavender said as if she couldn't believe it.
"Why, yes," Edward said, feeling rather pleased that someone here knew who he was.
"Edward Cullen the…er… vampire!?"
"Yes, I am!" the smiley vampire said.
"Oh…" said Lavender. "So…yeah…. How would you like your makeup done?"
"Some white eyeshadow, extra black-black eyeliner, white powder, natural-colored lipstick, and EXTRA, EXTRA body glitter!!!!!! I want to look like my idol……… Corlath!!!!" Edward responded enthusiastically.
"Okay, then," said Lavender, looking disturbed and confused. "Let's start on it!"
Lavender turned around and opened a drawer. After fishing around inside multiple drawers, cabinets, and containers and grabbing supplies off of shelves, tabletops, and some particular washing machines, she set to work on the unnaturally ugly man.
After gossiping, giggling, and some serious makeovers, Edward was done with his makeover.
When he was done, he looked just like a duck, a monkey, an albino giraffe, and a gorilla all morphed into one, with lovely fingernails (Frank deserves credit).
He thanked Lavender then made his way back to the lady sitting at the desk at the front of the salon.
As the girl caught sight of Edward, she immediately got very pale, parked a custard, started crying and ran away.
"Well, then," said Eddiekinzledoodles as he put his hands on his hips and used his girliest voice. "I'm SO happy someone thinks I'm so pretty!" (Apparently Jerkw—Edward was unaware that if someone looks at you and vomits it's a bad thing because) Then Edward opened the door and proceeded outside and stepped onto the pavement and headed toward the nearest (girl's) department store………
Please tune in for the next installment of parody:
"Edward goes to the Department Store"…..