AN: this is just something I felt like writing a bunch of moments throughout the series that are significant to Jack and Sam. Some from the show some from my own mind. None of the characters are mine...
Fledgling
"Sir" Her voice was soft but commanded his attention. His tired eyes drifted to her face, which held a look of determination, despite her current situation. She was once again in the infirmary, after the shock of Martouf's death and the Zat'arc testing Janet had refused to let either officer go home. Just in case.
She held his gaze "Permission to speak freely" Jack nodded his assent, he hardly considered her a subordinate anyway, she was far superior to him in most respects. "I don't think I can 'leave it in the room'"
"Carter, it was your idea" he reminded her.
"Yes sir, and I question the wisdom of it. I would choose you over this job any day of the week if that's what it takes"
"Carter, without you there may not be any days of the week. This planet, hell, this galaxy needs you." His voice was hinged with sadness.
"It doesn't matter if I don't have you" Sam was determined to make him see that he was the only reason she wanted to keep fighting and the only thing that could make her stop.
"You have me, Sam. You will always have me. And one day nothing will stand between us. You just have to be patient."
The days seemed brighter now as she rode the elevator deeper underground it was amazing the difference one man could make.
"Humming?" The amused voice broke her from her thoughts.
"I am?" she questioned, amused herself.
"You are" he affirmed, she apologised, after a moment's silence "What's his name?" Jack's voice rang out again, less jovial, more strained, he didn't really want to know, but knew it was better to get it over with.
"Now, why would you..."
"Humming" he repeated, making his point clearly, his Major did not hum under any circumstances.
"Pete" she conceded.
"Pete" he repeated letting the name roll off his tongue, such an ordinary unimportant name, Sam was continuing Jack barely heard her. Pete Shanahan. He wanted to be happy for her, but it was hard to be happy upon hearing that the woman you desperately love finds another man 'hum-worthy' so to speak.
"Is anything the matter, Sir?" She asked as he wandered into her lab for the fourth time that day. It wasn't his presence that was odd, not at all, he often appeared in her lab when they weren't on a mission. It was usually an attempt to avoid his ever increasing pile of paperwork. However his actions were bothering her. For once he wasn't fiddling with her doohickeys, he hadn't brought his yo-yo, he merely sat staring into space. "Sir" she repeated attempting to gain his attention.
"Hmm?" he questioned, not looking her in the eye.
"You okay?" She questioned again.
His eyes remained fixed on the far wall as if an invisible monster lurked there that only Jack O'Neill could see "You didn't wait" his voice was barely above a whisper.
"Oh god" he heard her voice crack, partly in surprise, partly in pain. "Jack, I told you it's not serious. I just need the physical connection he gives. I'm still waiting" She ended gently, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.
"Carter, it's okay. It's been a long time. I understand if you want to move on. We might never win this war and we've lost so much already. I won't hold it against you" His voice was pained, and the moment he finished he was out of her lab, not trusting himself to look at her any longer.
"Pete gave me this" His heart shattered as she pulled the black box from her drawer. O that was why she'd been acting strange.
"People normally wear these on their fingers" He could think of nothing else to say. He didn't care when the wedding was. Congratulations would seem like a lie. Wanting her to be happy while he was dying inside.
"I haven't said yes" Her words gave him hope, but only for a second.
"And yet you haven't said no"
"I told him I needed to think about it" He caught her unsaid words. 'Is it okay if I marry Pete?' she was asking. If he said no, would she keep waiting for him. Probably he decided, but she deserved to be happy. Yet still she hesitated, maybe there was still hope.
"You know all these years I've been concentrating on work. I just assumed that one day I would..." he trailed off.
"Have a life" he finished for her. He'd felt the same way. The unspoken words and hopes of a life they would have together.
"Yeah" She agreed "and now it comes down to it I don't know. I mean every time we go through the gate we risk not coming back. Is it fair to put somebody else through that." All he wanted was for the conversation to be over. He didn't want to hear about her fear of death or of Pete being left alone.
"Pete's a cop. I think he could handle it" He'd hoped that would be the end of the conversation.
"What about kids" she asked.
"What about them" He wondered, whether she was speaking of their children or hers and Pete's. He'd always assumed they would have children together one day. It was his only hope.
"What about you. If things had been different." There was the question, previously unspoken the topic they'd danced around for so long.
"I wouldn't be here." His words made sense only to him, and he hoped they would give her the answers she needed.
"Jack. I'm sorry" The use of his given name surprised him.
"Look, you're right, neither of us know when this war will be over, or if we'll survive. Go marry Pete, have your life and your children" his voice held none of the scorn he felt towards Pete, but instead all the love he had for Sam.
She'd desperately wanted him to tell her it would be over soon and they could stop waiting. That he'd be able to retire, she'd be able to take a desk job and they'd get married and have their own children. Maybe he was right, and it was time to let go.
"I love you Jack" Her voice was sad, it was not the way she had imagined that particular confession, he would say I love you back. They would kiss, and possibly there would be feverish love making. She'd never imagined it would be her goodbye to hope for their future.
"And I love you" Jack affirmed placing a soft kiss on her cheek and a hand upon her own. Their friendship would not suffer, yet nothing would ever be the same.
Jack hovered in the corner. He was only there because Sam had requested his presence. She'd promised she wouldn't hold it against him if he left early, hell she'd even thought about it herself. Here, standing in the arms of Pete Shanahan, at her own engagement party, surrounded by Pete's friends and her own, her thoughts were not on the man she would soon marry but on the man alone in the corner. The man she had given up.
She pulled herself away from the man who would soon be her husband and began her way across the living room toward Jack. Halfway across the room she was interrupted by Daniel "He still loves you"
"I know Daniel" She replied trying to keep the hint of annoyance from her voice
"And you still love him" It was a statement not a question, but she nodded anyway. "What are you doing with Pete?" He asked.
"He doesn't want me to wait for him. I'm moving on" Daniel nodded and walked away watching as Sam made her way over to her CO. He watched his true friends sadly, as if they were part of a Shakespearean tragedy, as if waiting for a double suicide. Realising with a shock as Pete latched himself to his fiancé that it had already happened. In marrying Pete, Sam killed them both and in allowing the union, Jack killed himself.
The house was beautiful, but it was not Pete she had seen holding her close on the front porch, nor was it Pete cooking her dinner or in the backyard with their dog, or playing catch with their son. She had thought she could move on, had thought it would be better that way. But for the first time in eight years it seemed the end of the war was upon them.
She sat outside Jack's house, she'd turned the engine off, and was sitting in the silence of the car. Could she really go inside and ask him to choose her over his job, ask him to love her and raise children with her. What would he say. Did he still feel the same, could she make it up to him or had she hurt him too much, choosing Pete over him, even if he understood why.
It was a long time before she decided that she had to do it, if she didn't she might never do it. It was a subject they didn't dare talk about. She pulled herself out of the car, her mind made up. She couldn't stay with a man when she knew she was in love with someone else. Regardless of what was or wasn't said, she would no longer be with Pete.
She'd thought she was happy. Fooled herself into thinking it was true. Maybe she was happier with him than without him, but she decided it didn't matter. However much she loved and cared for Pete he cared for Jack more so.
"Hi Sir" she wondered if calling him Jack was appropriate, but Sir felt easier and she was nervous enough.
"Carter" he added by way of greeting.
"I'm sorry to bother you at home like this" She felt nervous all of a sudden and wondered whether it was such a good idea after all.
"How did you know I was here." They'd been seeing each other less and less outside of work since his promotion to General, and it felt weird being at his house now.
"I saw the smoke" She wondered how many times she'd seen him cooking like this. Wondered how many times she'd been forced to eat the charred beer soaked remains of his attempts at cooking. Wondered how many times she would get to do the same in the future.
"Oh yeah"
"Look is this okay; I could've called first but I..." she stuttered suddenly unsure of herself. In years gone by, she'd never needed an invitation, but it had been a long time since she'd visited Jack. The pot and the remains of the plant e had received from his mother two Christmases ago had finally disappeared. They had remained despite the plant having died a week after Christmas when they'd gone on a mission. She wondered what else had changed.
"What brings you to this neck of the woods on such a fine day...? In my backyard" She almost smiled noting he seemed nervous also.
"Well actually I've been sitting in your driveway for the last 10 minutes trying to work up the nerve to come talk to you" She admitted, continuing with his half confused, half amused stare, giving her the space to say what she needed "the truth is I've been trying to work up the nerve for a lot longer than that." The wedding had been spinning out of control. And she'd been wondering whether it was what she really wanted, or just a pathetic attempt to move on.
"Oh" Was his only response, knowing she had not said what she came to say.
"Pete put a down payment on a house" He wondered why she was telling him this
"Well that's great" He found it easier to feign happiness for her now that he too had moved on.
"It's a beautiful house..." She trailed off, wanting to tell him that she'd seen them living there not her and Pete, but her courage faltered.
"But" prompted Jack, and she knew it was now or never
"The truth is I'm having second thoughts about the wedding" she blurted out
"Why" he was more curious than anything. Not wanting to head toward the dangerous territory he could see approaching like a train wreck.
"See the thing is the closer it gets the more I get the feeling I'm making a big, huge, mistake" The unspoken sentiment behind her words did not go unnoticed.
"Look Carter the..." he wanted to tell her that there was someone else, they were both in other relationships now. The truth was, he didn't care, he'd dump Kerry in a second if it meant a second chance with Sam. He changed tact mid-sentence "I don't know what..."
She cut him off "I'm sorry to bother you with this. But, see there's actually a very good reason that I'm bothering you with this." She knew she was babbling and told herself to get to the point "And if I don't tell you now I might never..."
"Jack I looked everywhere I could not" Kerry Johnson stopped in surprise, Sam stood frozen in mid sentence, seeing her chance slip slowly away "Colonel Carter." Kerry feigned happiness at seeing the only woman who posed any competition to her relationship with Jack. She'd read the files she knew their history.
"Ms Johnson" Jack said awkwardly pointing to his girlfriend as way of introduction. Sam stuttered awkwardly and Jack in an attempt to disperse some of the awkwardness began babbling "We were just meeting here... in my backyard... on this fine day to... discuss the state of affairs" He ended awkwardly, aware that much of his beer now pooled on the ground at his feet
"Well this is awkward" Kerry stated not having moved from her original position.
"Ya think" Sam stated voice dripping with sarcasm as she coined Jack's phrase, in a desperate attempt to stake her claim on the man standing awkwardly by the grill.
"Jack didn't want anyone at the SGC to know about us" Kerry explained. Sam didn't know why she hadn't expected it, she'd moved on, why shouldn't he. She seethed with jealousy, knowing how Jack must have felt upon finding out about Pete. She stuttered an apology and made to leave, but was interrupted by Kerry offering for her to stay. She thought desperately for some way to excuse herself without seeming rude, but was saved by her ringing phone.
It was her father, he'd collapsed and being taken to the infirmary. Fear rushed through her and she raced immediately to the car. Jack faked nonchalance for a few moments, before apologising to his girlfriend.
He finally found Sam in her lab, lights turned off. He was sure she was crying, he placed a gentle hand on her shoulder and pulled her close. When the tears had finally stopped falling and his sweater was soaked through he led her to her quarters on base. When he was sure she was asleep he headed back to the infirmary himself to check on Jacob.
"He's dying" the doctor told him, in the observation room. Jacob motioned for him.
"Make her happy, Jack" he nodded, they would be together.
Kerry had broken it off, he'd never gotten the chance, not that he cared anymore whether he got dumped or did the dumping. It didn't make a difference. He pulled her closer promising he'd always be there for her. He watched her as her father slipped into oblivion. Finally she came back to the observation room, taking up her previous seat, Jack pulled her close, she didn't cy, but he didn't dare let go. For a long time they sat like that, Sam thinking through everything that had happened in the past few days, knowing that the next few days would be just as hard. Jack squeezed her hand eventually.
"You gonna be okay" She nodded, her eyes betraying her.
"Just stay with me" He gave her a weak smile and pulled her even closer, placing a soft kiss on her forehead.
Finally she turned away from her father's body, still on the stretcher below. She stood and pulled Jack's hand into hers, with one look back she led Jack out of the observation room and down the hallway, she led him not to her own quarters but to his. He gave her a curious look.
"I don't want to be alone" she said by way of explanation. He nodded. They lay together on the bed, his arms around her pulling her close, when she thought he was asleep she let herself cry. His hand came up to stroke her hair, he kissed her tears away, until finally he heard her breathing even out as he had done so many times before. He knew they would always be friends first, but he didn't dare give up hope.
She accepted his offer to go fishing, her new philosophy now or never holding up a little longer. Daniel had insisted he make the trip with Teal'c who wished to visit Chulak again prior to the fishing trip, giving Jack and Sam a day alone at the cabin.
As Jack sat on the dock Sam next to him watching the sunset, he thought it was time. "That thing you came to my place to tell me. I already know. Kerry broke it off with me because of it."
"I broke it off with Pete too"
"There's something else Sam. I've been reassigned." Despite her shock he continued. "I'll be pushing a desk in Washington from now on" She wanted to cry he would be miles away from her. Just when things were getting back to normal, their friendship was back on track, and then it dawned on her.
"I won't be in your direct chain of command anymore will I?" Her face began to light up, the ray of hope she'd seen a week ago beginning to shine through the clouds again.
"Nope. That was the only way they got me to take the job" He smiled too. His fingers came up to his face and caressed it. He wanted to do so much more. He wanted to feel his lips against hers, but didn't dare. He pulled her close, his hand resting in hers. He held her close all night, not daring to let go in case it had been a dream.
"So you're single again?" Agent Barrett posed a difficult question. They'd decided in the end to take it slow. Before he'd left for Washington, they'd shared one brief but passionate kiss amongst his already packed boxes and suitcases. They spoke most days, as often as they could. He was due back in Colorado springs in the next month or so. But how do you explain an eight year relationship that's barely begun. The relationship was so fledgling, she could hardly say they were together. Yet she wasn't exactly on the market either.
"Not exactly" She replied nervously. Hoping that very soon she would be able to answer a very firm 'no' to anyone who asked that particular question.
AN: R&R and i'll return the favour