Author's Note: Well here's another odd little thing I wrote on the spur of the moment! I think my muse is hiding somewhere and just periodically pops out to gnaw off a toe or two and give me an idea! It's okay, they grow back! ^_^ So anyways! It's a kawaii lil' Filia/Val mommy vignette, the way *I* see the way their relationship MIGHT have developed, using the common Filia was in love with Val premise I happen to not agree with! I think I was always a repentance forgiveness thing, and if you think of it that way, getting Val as her son is the best and most fitting way for Filia to take care of him! Give him his second chance and give him a happy home without any memory (Presumably) about the past! Plus I'm a Xellos/Filia and Gaav/Val girl all the way! XD Anyhooties! Enjoy! ~ Blacke Inke
The Ancient and the Demon Dragon
A Filia Vignette by Blacke Inke
Poor Val couldn't sleep again tonight… Unfortunately for most of this household, this happens quite a bit, and he'll only fall asleep after I've sung to him, songs I thought I'd never hear again much less sing, for what seems like all night. I usually don't go back to sleep anyway… That little ancient has consumed every aspect of my existence, but I suppose I should thank the gods for him, pray, make an offering, do something, but somehow, doing anything for the gods seems like a pretty useless venture nowadays… That's fine, I have no right anyway, because I alone am left to repent for my race's sins, and I'm not a priestess anymore…
He came into my life so suddenly, brandishing a past I had never even been told about, that we as a collective race had lied repeatedly over and denied or justified to the very end. How was I even to begin to know what to think, let alone feel? Though sometimes, especially those nights he can't sleep and I hold him close in bed, stroking his beautiful teal hair in comfort, like tonight, I find myself almost glad that all of the goldens are dead. But I banish those thoughts quickly, and hate myself until morning for thinking such things.
Aside from the dreams he complains about, Val is a perfectly happy, healthy little boy, however, I catch that filthy namagomi Xellos around occasionally, and the first thing he always asks is, "How is Val-chan doing?" or "How's my favorite ancient today?" and I almost never answer with those truths. I yearn to scream and hit him, tell him not to ever dare ask about my child again, but then I remember he isn't mine, not really, and I always tell him. Perhaps it's because I'm so afraid that if I don't, Xellos won't come back, or he'll do something to Val, almost as if he would be the one to punish me for being a bad mother, which, amongst all my doubts about him, has never once crossed my mind.
He's happy, I know that. I hardly ever see him frown, he barely cries, even when he was truly an infant he was stubborn. Fussy yes, I swear there are still stains on my kitchen ceiling from baby food, but he rarely cried. He was always strong, he had to have been to survive so much, to lose so much and still live, and I know it was our fault. My fault…
I still think about him like that sometimes… Especially after Xellos decides to "kindly" pay us visits. His broken, ravaged body covered in scars and blood red marks, the horn, all infused into his being when he was turned. I find it hard to believe, looking at him now, that he was half Mazoku once, rescued ironically by Gaav another outcast but a traitor, forced to live and serve a dark lord though Ryuzoku blood still flowed through his veins. His own servants still remain almost ridiculously loyal to him, come to think of it… It took me forever to get them to stop calling him Valgaav-sama, especially Jillas. We all knew he was never as cruel and heartless as Gaav was, that much had been certain, but I always wondered why he wanted to avenge his death so badly.
I had wanted to be the one to save Val once and for all, to take Gaav from his name and mind and make him whole again, but in the end, always in the end I was forced to help destroy him. I was so naïve… I always believed I could save him, from the first time I saw him, that if I could just talk to him, stop him, I could take him into my arms and love him the way he deserved to be loved and he would realize that this world was not so terrible as he thought. He captivated me with his every move, every word rung through my mind like some undeniable truth from the mouth of a gorgeous and perfect stone god that would bless me with his touch for eternity.
But he isn't anymore, and I don't understand!
His eyes are a radiant and keen gold, just like they were, his hair is silken teal, just like it was, his wings are still majestic charcoal black, like they were, but now he flies with them. He's perfect! He's healed and perfect and mine! So why don't I feel the same way about him now? Why aren't I brimming with hope and happiness for the future where we fly off happily ever after into the sunset? Is it because I look at him and still see the hands of that filthy Mazoku touching and violating my precious Val? Is it because I have to look twice sometimes at his face, wondering why the markings are gone? Is it because I have finally heard him laugh and seen him smile and that alone makes me happier than thinking about what we could be? Or maybe that nagging feeling I've always had in the back of my mind that I didn't really save him at all…
It seems almost like a fairytale sometimes when I think about it… Like fate, like one of those stories the elders told children about noble drakes and beautiful maidens in distress and finding true love thanks to it. Val was certainly blessed or protected by something, and it almost hurts knowing it wasn't me, but Gaav… Demon Dragon King Gaav, Mazoku Dark Lord and the cruel beast that loved war the most Gaav, that saved him from my own people… The Ancient and the Demon Dragon, like a children's book…
The young beautiful Ancient is the last of his kind, and, mortally wounded, lies dying in a desert waiting and watching the skies for his end, bravely accepting death as it looms darkly over him, but fate decides to intervene, and a monster, a demon dragon, stumbles across the hero. He offers him a deal, and to save his life, and thinking only of escaping with his life to avenge his people and remain the pure, strong hero at the end of the story, the Ancient accepts. But the transformation is not what the Ancient expected, and he has betrayed his people who he knew were counting on him and joined the Mazoku, become something dark and evil. He cannot forgive his own race, and has betrayed it as well, so the Ancient thinks he has nothing to live for, becomes mindless, becomes lost and wounded, so the Demon Dragon, for fear of losing an invaluable ally, beats him, berates him, rapes and torments him until he complies, and serves him faithfully, believes so blindly that the Demon Dragon cares for him, that he is being guided. When the foul villain is slain, the once proud Ancient becomes now the tragic shadow of a hero, and wishes only for the world's blood to be shed for his dark lord and master…
Or maybe that's not how the story goes…
Maybe, when the ancient loses his way, the Demon Dragon sees his pain, hates it, and doesn't know why he hates it so much. He is a Mazoku, he loves pain, but he has a soul which he has seen, and seeing the pretty little Ancient's tears stir something in him he has never felt before in his life. He is utterly confused by it, but transfixed and enticed, and maybe the Demon Dragon is kind to the Ancient, and just maybe the Ancient is grateful. The eternally scarred and anguished Ancient comes to the Demon Dragon when he feels sad or lonely, comes to him to cry, to yell and scream at the world, and the Demon Dragon holds him close in his arms, whispers kind words to him, and they both feel safe and strong. They realize how alone they both are, but how much they are no longer, how stupid it is that the world hates them so much, and exactly how much they mean to each other. The Demon Dragon is all the Ancient has, and the Ancient is the only one who has ever truly cared about the Demon Dragon. When his master holds him, the Ancient feels complete, like nothing but the two of them exist, and he falls in love with the wild, fiery Demon Dragon, and the Mazoku feels something he has not felt for a long time; happiness. They fight together to survive, but they fight by each other's side, and they fight for each other and the bliss they have found. They fight as underdogs, beaten back by the world for the second chance they had to bestow upon themselves, and when the Demon Dragon takes the Ancient to his bed, they feel so joined, so mutual, like they have stepped into their own fairytale. They live, they exist, they love, they fight for vengeance, and they are radiant together, shining with their own light. The Ancient and the Demon Dragon are truly happy, but cold-handed fate, however, decides to intervene again, and the Demon Dragon is slain. The Ancient's cherished love perishes violently still battling for them, but alone, at the hands of one of his own kind. Betrayed just as he had been and then unable to stop it. Perhaps a vision forced the Demon Dragon to order his beloved stay behind, perhaps he left without the Ancient's knowledge, but one half of a single soul is left behind with absolutely nothing. No family, with the only hope that he ever had now gone, the Ancient must live and fight with only the faded memory of what had been, replaced by a memory of what he lost. Knowing only pain again, he seeks to end it, and begin again, the tragic hero once more.
I can drive myself insane thinking about what could have happened between Gaav and Val, and I find myself wishing that every last horrible Mazoku trace of that filthy warmonger has left my darling boy forever, but I was foolish to think or wish for such things. I can recall just barely a day when Val was so young he was hardly able to even walk, I had to run an errand down to the library in Seyruun for a few simple gardening spells I wanted. I didn't want to take such a young child with me, but I was still a bit wary of Gravos and Jillas, so I ended up toting a rather insolent Val along who kicked and screamed and howled the entire way. I scolded him the whole trip for misbehaving, of course as nicely as I could, but he was absolutely adamant about getting his own way, and the second my attention wavered when I found a book that looked promising, he took off running like a flare arrow.
I chased his delighted squeals and the crashing of books into the darkest reaches of that immense palace-like place, picking up what upset tomes and texts and scrolls I could, but in the end, I ended up in a dead run just to keep up. It ended with a spectacular crash as an entire rickety wooden shelf met its gruesome end by a frenzied whirlwind of teal hair and black feathers. By the time I got there, Val was perched atop a mound of paper and leather, and had already joyfully scattered and hurled the books about as far as one could possibly imagine, and was perusing the ones he could find with colorful pictures gleefully. Enraged, I began to stalk over to punish him, to open my mouth and tell him he had done something wrong, to be a good mother, to teach him, but he proudly held up a crumbling old book, and pointed with a delighted grin to a faded ink illustration of a tall, figure with a long mane of fiery red hair…
I froze in my tracks, mouth half open and not hearing the scuttling echoes of footsteps as library personnel filed, shocked and outraged into the remote room, and Val squealed happily at my reaction, then proclaimed as cheerfully and clearly as I think anyone ever could, "Gaav-sama!"
Looking back, I don't think anyone noticed but me, they were all too horrified at the mess my little boy had caused in their pristine establishment, but those words cut like ice into my very soul, and all I could do at first was stand there… Hands pressed over my mouth, trembling as Val snapped the book shut, squeezed it tightly to his chest and toddled precariously over to me chirping Gaav's name over and over again as if he had suddenly learned a new language. He held the withered old text out to me with a grin that always melted my heart, that gleam in his eyes when I knew he understood or knew something, or perhaps even remembered, and I think I remember the instant my heart broke… The second I felt the tears slide down my cheeks and the smile faded from Val's lips, replaced by a sorrowful and confused look of confusion and near betrayal.
He dropped the book as I snatched him, sobbing then, from the ground and ran like the wind out of the library, so upset I transformed into my Golden Dragon form the second I got outside the doors, right front of a crowd of respected scholars to boot, and flew home as fast as I could. When we got there Val was crying too, so I took him up to his bedroom, handed him his favorite stuffed toy from the crib Gravos had helped me build, a red dragon, and held him close as we both just sobbed. He clung to that stupid dragon like he had to the book, and I vaguely remember then regretting immensely getting it for him, but then realizing how much he loved it and then mentally slapping myself for thinking that way and crying even harder. Val didn't sleep a wink that night, and neither did I, and my voice was barely a whisper the next day from the singing.
That was the one night that singing failed to put Val to sleep, the one night of his entire life I couldn't comfort him, when he needed me the most to erase his past and help him live his life now, I failed. Think I realized then that I don't deserve him, I just think I refused to let myself believe it. I can be so stupid, arrogant, and blind sometimes… I'm just like them, I'm no different, why would anyone let me have Val now?
"Because I love him," I used to tell myself, "Because I can save him, because I can make him whole, I can make his world right again!"
Was it really arrogance to think I could make another being happy?
Well, maybe I'm not a total failure… Certainly my anger and all of this self-pity and sorrow and longing are a veritable feast for that piece of namagomi putrescence Xellos… Why he persists in torturing us all I have no idea… He has to know how I feel about him, about Val, about everything! Sometimes I feel like he can see right through me, right into my heart, so I try my best to stare into his right back, and it scares me to death when I catch myself thinking I can actually see something there.
He had a hand in Val's pain too, he's partially to blame, he is a Mazoku, he aided Hellmaster Phibrizo, he helped destroy Gaav, he's a monster! So why does he look at Val the same way I do? He has no right! But even as I think that I know I have no right either, and perhaps Xellos read the tragic tale of The Ancient and the Demon Dragon…
Neither of us were able to save Val, so I don't understand why he was given to me and why that horrible disgusting thing hangs around so often… I asked for him yes, but not Xellos, I prayed to any god that would listen to save his soul because it was bright and good, only tinted black by pain and that could be erased, and I would be the one to do it. Please give Val to me, I begged… Please let me live by his side now and make him happy!
And I suppose I am, but it's not what I wanted…
Or at least I don't think so…
I had thought Val's first word had been Gaav-sama, and I ranted all the next day to anyone and anything who would listen for three seconds about it, but now that I think of it that's wrong. His first word had been, "Mama," proclaimed loudly and euphorically as soon as his lips and tongue could form the coherent sound I had repeated a thousand times over. I think I cried then too, lifting Val out of his chair and spinning him in wide circles as we both laughed around the kitchen, and then he was promptly rewarded with a little tea, which I was delighted to discover he adored with a passion that almost equals mine! I can't wait until I can get him started on the cookies…
And it makes me infinitely happy to see him reach out for me with his short little fingers, covered in something sticky usually, flailing joyfully in the air as he chirrups his first word out to me in a voice that sounds like the first time its been used in the world. I love to hear him squeal with elation as I swoop him playfully into my arms and tickle his sides as he holds onto me for dear life, but with a trust I can already feel in those strong little arms. How could I not see that? It really was the best way, the best for everyone involved. Val deserves to grow up again like this, with me by his side, teaching him how to be happy for the first time, making him feel special and loving him the way he deserves to be loved…
Huh, I think I'm beginning to see the way fate works now, and why I can feel Val stirring in my arms, nuzzling into me and relying on me to protect him, to keep him safe and warm, hold him when he cries, play with him, laugh with him and take him by the hand, and while I'm at it, keep Gaav-sama safe and happy too. He dubbed that ridiculous little red dragon Gaav-sama a little while after the library incident, and I was too exasperated and exhausted to fight him about it. Well, either that or I didn't really mind.
It's strange though, that through all my maternal instinct, I don't feel like I need to protect him from Xellos, that I always smile unconsciously when Val senses him nearby, which he always does, and bolts from the room and into his arms demanding in what little language he can use if he brought him anything. And what's even stranger is that Xellos always does bring him something… In fact, a toy that is of an equal affection or perhaps obsession level as Gaav-sama is a wolf that the priest brought with him one time. A stuffed white and purple wolf with amethyst eyes and a devilish grin he calls Fangy. I do believe Xellos had something to do with that name, but it still makes me laugh when Gaav-sama and Fangy go on adventures together. Sometimes Xellos and I join in too, I, predictably, end up being the wicked dragon lady or something to that effect that must be vanquished by the noble Gaav-sama and his best friend and loyal companion, controlled gleefully by Xellos, to free the block village I have been stealing and devouring innocent maidens from.
We always laugh, we always have a good time, and for just a little while, for the sake of Val, Xellos and I forget who we are, who he was, and how this whole thing came to be, and act almost like a family. I seem to always remember as soon as I die and Xellos and Val are celebrating with the villagers, who are usually vaguely human shaped lumps of leftover clay I let Val play with when I'm done with pottery, that there is a Mazoku in my home who is dangerously close to my child and tell them that it's quite time that Xellos left. They always pout together, whine together, and call me the same childish names in the same tones and sit on the floor cross-legged and smug, casting looks at each other that they know I'll buckle under. I can usually endure another hour or two of Xellos, but the rule always has been and always will be playtime is over when the sun goes down and that's when Val's dear little friend has to go home to his smelly wolves.
Xellos always does leave then, gives Val a big hug and promises over and over again to come back just as soon as he can, the second he can spare a few hours to spend with us, a promise I'm still waiting for him to break. Val really loves Xellos… But he and I just go on in this sad little game of poking and playing with each other, never quite having the courage to say what we want to, to say that I see that happiness and glimmer in his eyes when he plays with my little boy, that I see those hugs and little fatherly kisses on the forehead he gives him, and the look of sadness that fills every fiber of his physical being before he teleports away from our front door. I even notice that he always leaves out the front door now… I don't think Xellos will ever leave, and I don't want him to.
I can admit that to myself… I'll allow myself just that! I appreciate the days when he shows up, secretly glad in my heart that I'll have help with Val for a day, and that I'll be able to hear them both laugh and have the time of their lives in the family room like it was the last time they would ever see each other. Maybe, deep down, Xellos does care genuinely about Val, maybe he cares about me, maybe he cares about us, and perhaps, in a far dark corner of his twisted little mind he has yet to explore, he would really like to be a father.
Perhaps I've had a rather… Jaded view of Mazoku in the past, but I'm learning! Xellos is teaching me, just like Val is too, and I'm teaching them. We can all glean things from each other, even if they're small, grow from each other, and learn. Maybe Gaav and Val really loved each other, maybe their story ended with murder and sorrow, but maybe Val's story isn't over yet, maybe their story isn't over yet, after all, his life has only just begun again, and though I know it will be a long road, and that shreds of the past still live and thrive inside of him, I think I know why the gods gave him to me now. After all, who knows what will happen to each of us? Maybe Xellos will stop keeping secrets from me, maybe Val will grow up, find a soul mate with long, fiery red hair and piercing blue eyes, and maybe… No, most definitely, I can stop lying to myself and figure out how to raise my son.
I can protect him now, I can love him, I do love him, and I always will, but I was not his savior alone, we all helped save him, even Gaav did, though perhaps he didn't quite know that or see it that way. Xellos, and Lina and the others, we ended his misery so he could come to this, what he wanted and deserves, and what I want and deserve. Everyone got a second chance. My beautiful little boy, safe and warm in my arms, the word 'mama' on his lips and nothing but devotion and security and warmth in his heart. This is what I want for him, and what I need to give him to make everything right again in our hearts and in the hearts of our races long past to mend the broken ties between them. I want him to grow, I want him to be happy, I want us all to be happy, even the scumbag namagomi… The piece of garbage is welcome anytime he wants! He makes both of us happy, and I think we make him feel complete for the first time in his existence. Something he chose, something he wants, and I want him here more than I can say. Besides, a man to do the dirty work of raising our little boy never hurts!
I can't worry about the past anymore, there's too much future ahead, too much story unwritten, and no matter what happens I have learned more from Val than I could from anyone, and I'm ready to fill in my blanks with what I chose. I'll write the tale of The Ancient and his Mother, and a companion piece, the Golden and the Namagomi, a working title really, perhaps we'll change it to, The Golden and her Beautiful Dark Knight later? When Val's old enough, we'll tell him, if he remembers we'll tell him, but it won't matter, because he already knows, and he still loves us, or at least Xellos and I think he does, and his first word was still, "Mama…"