A/N: So I finally got around to rewriting this thing that is supposed to be my impression of Light's character.
I reposted it since there's some problem with the updating (happened before :()
Well, I'd think it's a BIG improvement from the previous version. This is part one of two, the second part was a stand alone of L's pov (or my impression of him), the second part should be coming out soon (maybe), but well, enjoy.
Warning: Bit sad.
Part 1: Masks and Puppets
"Has Light-kun ever told the truth in his life?"
L stared at him as he asked, his face blank as rainwater fell on and all around them, the quiet pitter-patter filling the silence, bridging the distance between them.
The distance that seemed to stretch ever further with each second that passed.
L's eyes were dark, bottomless and seemingly empty as he looked.
The young man knew, those eyes were anything but empty, they were black, dense with emotion that mimicked the skies above them.
Dark and gray, and weeping.
Light forged an amused smile, "What are you on about now, Ryuuzaki?"
L seemed to expect that answer. He didn't respond and simply turned to the sky above them.
He knows, he always does.
That's what made him different from everyone else.
And that's what led to this, and this later he would regret.
He would regret because he got close.
The intimacy that they both shared rocked his core more than he would admit.
It was as if L was a flame, among the coldness and dullness of the world that Light knew.
The flare within the gray abyss of his world, the single spark that ignited him to the very core, warmed his one empty soul.
He shone in the deep, black darkness and Light reached for it, unable to resist.
Now caught in this game between Kira and L, the flame would not last.
It was regrettable.
Light can't let that show.
But that is fine, he'd been walking away.
Once he got far away, he would be fine, just as he'd always been. Frozen and numbed by the cold, what has already been will not affect him once the flame is gone.
L is just one of the many and everything will return to what it once was.
Soon, Light will get everything that he wanted.
The warmth matters no longer.
The world is waiting for him.
And L will be gone.
He will be fine.
Just as he was.
Light stared silently at L's forlorn form drenched by the downpour, each second ticking by, counting down to the time that they will part.
The moment was spent in silence and the warmness slipped away from him.
He did not reach for it and simply watched, shrouded by the cold.
As he slowly disappears.
"Has Light-kun ever told the truth in his life?"
The words come back to haunt him constantly, when he is no longer busy with the facades, the act that he has to perfect in front of everyone else.
I will be fine, he'd thought once.
He lied.
The honest truth is…
Light has never been told the truth.
Correction: He was never true.
That was another lie.
Because Light could remember a long time ago, when he had not been this way.
He was like everyone else, an innocent child, true to himself, to everyone else and innocent to the world around him.
But his innocence was short-lived.
Even though he was awfully little, he remembered loneliness, dread and uncertainty.
And he knew with painful clarity that he was different.
'Too smart for his own good,' as he thought at one point.
'Freak' was a constant label to him.
That was where he learnt that people hated things that are out of the common. Things that are strange, alien. Things that people do not understand.
He was one of those things.
Light in his infancy watched despondently as children his age steered clear of him, form their own groups, he was never included, always hanging by himself unless they were forced to interact with him.
He hated that they shunned him, he hated the shadows of loneliness that constantly hung over him.
He saw it once or twice even in his parent's eyes, the fear of the unknown.
But it was early, he could still turn the situation around in his favor.
So Light hid the stark intelligence that stood out like a sore thumb, pretending he was just a little better than the flock even though he was so, so much more.
He hid it well and soon they slowly accepted him.
The darkness that loomed over faded away.
But he was never truly happy.
He hid that as well.
Surely things will change for the better one day, for now he will keep away the truth of himself and appear normal as they wanted him to.
The falseness that ate away at him need not last.
Grayness consumed him in his entirely.
Light looked around and could only see gray, it's all that he can sense, vibrancy had become a foreign concept to him.
He wondered how is it that people feel with such ease.
Excitement, joy, misery, affection, he knew none of them.
He pretended as he always did, falseness now a second nature to him. It didn't take much for him to form a contented smile or change his expression to suit the atmosphere of thrill.
He felt nothing.
And everything is just gray, gray and more gray.
He's sick of it.
His world is too perfect and dull.
It wasn't until Light accidentally influenced his 'friend' (just another person that he was expected to befriend) to get a drink for him, just because he was lazy that he found something mildly interesting to do.
Manipulation.
Light flashed another artificial smile.
He could get some thrill from this.
It wasn't hard to achieve, all it did was a few well-placed wordings, a little tilt of the head and smiles here and there and they would be games for him to play with.
And no one even realized because they never knew just how gifted he actually is.
The perfect model student.
'Light Yagami could do no wrong.'
That was what they said as well, and they believed in it.
He hardly needed to lift a finger.
And because it was so easy, the thrill was short-lived.
His little puppet show slowly took a dark turn, pain and destruction awaits his human toys.
Why won't anyone notice it already?
Everything is just a façade, the Light they knew is FALSE!
Is there no one that will see the truth?
Can no one see me?
A tingling excitement crawled all over his skin as he caressed the black cover of the notebook.
Yes…
A giggle bubbled up from his throat as he imagined the possibilities.
This is what I have been waiting for…
A crooked smile tugged at his lips as he stared down at the Death Note, his gift.
I'll never be bored again.
"I am L."
Light peered at the most unkempt and most unpresentable person ever in front of him, staring at him with his black, black eyes and thumb perching on his pale lower lip in the most unhygienic way.
Part of him was skeptical, unable to believe that this rumpled-looking man could be the world's greatest detective while the other part of him filled with pure white anger and dark, swirling fog of dread.
A curious sense of fascination was thrown into the mix and Light was mystified by the myriad of sensations racing through his veins.
It happened again.
The other time he felt like this was during L's taunt after he'd killed Lind L. Tailor.
The nerve...!
Light could not ignore just how extreme and bold the man's actions are, using a convict to pose as L, risking the danger to prove that Kira needs both a name and face to kill to lure him out.
Now he'd appeared to his greatest suspect personally, compromising the secret of his identity save for his name.
Nobody would ever dare to do that and Light found the man to be more and more intriguing by the second.
He must absolutely accept the challenge, there was nothing else he would rather do.
So he smiled (his fake smile) and said, "If you are who you say you are, then I am honored to meet you."
L lips quirked up as he watched Light intently, as if amused.
Just you wait, L.
The game had only just begun.
Light walked silently into his room with the shinigami trailing behind.
He locked the door behind him and approached his desk without a word, his face the blankest it had ever been.
Ryuk seemed puzzled by this behavior.
"Er… Light?"
An infuriated scream tore its way out of his throat, forced by the bone-crushing weight of his fury.
Light swept his arm across the surface. Books, pens and lamp clattered to the floor, causing the Death God to back away in surprise.
"Fucking hell!" He yelled as he kicked at his chair viciously, it fell over and hit the floor with a heavy thud.
Light flopped onto his bed and growled, tearing at his hair in frustration.
"Eh, Light?" The Death God seemed concerned about his human suddenly throwing a fit and reached out a bony hand that hovered in the air, not wanting to touch him.
Light ignored him, his mind unable to let go of the fiery rage that burned through him.
Then, a manic smile spread on his face and he unexpectedly began to giggle.
Ryuk watched him silently, beyond puzzled by his strange behavior.
"He got me," Light chuckled darkly, "Oh, he got me good."
The chuckles turned into raucous laughter at his apparent amusement.
Light stopped laughing and stood up, walked over to his desk and opened the drawer, staring at the harmless looking Death Note nestled inside.
He picked it up and stared, stroking its smooth cover.
His smile spread even wider, as thrill raced through his veins at how things had turned out.
"'An eye for an eye', he says," Light uttered, "I'll show him."
He flipped open the Death Note.
"Light-kun is my first ever friend."
Light stared incredulously at the dark-haired detective.
"You're kidding me," his voice held threads of disbelief and amusement at the ridiculous statement.
"I am completely serious," L said.
Light scoffed, "You can't expect me to believe that, I mean… you're what? Twenty?"
"In regards to concerns about my identity I will not disclose my age," L said, "But it is within that range."
"And you expect me to believe that you never once had a friend in your life?"
L pressed his lips with his thumb, he seemed to be in thought, "Well, perhaps I have made some acquaintances but Light-kun is not realizing that perhaps I meant 'real friends'."
Light stared at him.
"Like those that have made me actually enjoy their company," L said this as he stuffed an over-sized lollipop in his mouth, ruining what was supposed to be a 'moment'.
Still, the words struck Light.
Real friends.
Light was not about to say this to the detective that he had never considered anyone as an actual friend before.
A flush of warmth permeated his heart and Light was puzzled, even more so that it had come from the recluse that was supposed to be his enemy.
Light felt himself so close to the truth, standing dangerously right next to the edge as he regarded the other man.
He opened his mouth to speak, his pulse thundering in his ears but closed it soon after.
Instead, he laughed (a false laughter), "Well, I didn't expect that kind of joke from you. Hell would freeze over if I was going to warm up to you, considering what you've done to me so far."
The detective stared at him, his dark eyes like burning coals at what Light had said to him and didn't say.
Light had a feeling that L knew, but there's no way he'll indulge L in anything.
Not with this game that they are currently playing.
Light turned back to his work and tried to ignore the silent tearing of his heart.
L likewise turned away and sulked at the computer screen, sucking on the lollipop noisily.
I enjoy your company too.
That's what I wanted to say that day.
But this war between Kira and L won't allow it.
Light hadn't wanted this game to end.
It wasn't long before he was aware of an apparent attachment he held for the detective.
His friend.
Never in his life has his acts and lies are so easily seen through, when he has perfected them for years, practiced his acting to the point that no one could ever see through it.
And this one man, he saw through it all.
Him and his damn 'mirror eyes'.
It reflected everything that he saw and observed, and they see the truth, no matter how hard anyone tries to hide them.
Light cursed L and his ability to foil his performance.
Still, he can't simply play out his real self (he's false, false), even with emotions coloring his soul and threatening to condemn his show at every moment.
The price of losing are their lives.
He can't afford to lose.
But is he willing to sacrifice L to survive?
…
…
Yes, yes he would.
He had to (I don't want to).
There's no other way.
Light stared down at the detective, who now lay dying in his arms.
He watched, his mind detached as he waited for him to die, to close his eyes and lose the game to him.
He will be fine after this.
Everything will return to what it was.
He was supposed to be Kira, he was supposed to win so he smiled down at him (it was cracked).
Then L took a shuddering breath and finally, finally, his eyes slid shut.
They saw no more.
Everything rushed back to him in that moment.
Light stared down at L who took no more breaths.
No.
No.
No, no, no-
"NO!" Light screamed, pulling the body flush against him.
Pain shredded his form, tore through his flesh, broke his bones and ripped open his heart.
L's gone.
Gone.
Gone, gone, gone, gone…
Light cracked, splintered, shattered into a million pieces.
He was still, his eyes blank, his face frozen (no more colors).
No more.
No more...
Light cast a level gaze at the pictures of L's two successors.
His eyes were blank, still they hid the hellish wrath that tore through his being.
They were to be L, these two.
They strived to be like him, to be him.
They were no L (no one could be him).
Light had expected more, something to ignite the fire in his heart (just as L did).
His heart remained dead, the ashes cold and gray.
It was not enough.
How dare they play his game!
He had wanted it, the fear, the thrill, the chase.
He felt nothing but dark frustration and hatred that eventually faded off into empty darkness (it consumes him).
Light's faced remained impassive as the darkness now morphed into gloom, hanging over him, gloating as he smiled falsely.
It whispered in his ear, "You have nothing left (you are nothing)."
Light ignored it as he kissed his girlfriend, grinning at her as his eyes remained dull.
"You killed it."
He froze momentarily, but snapped out of it when Misa tried to get his attention.
He knew from that moment that nothing will be able to revive the colors, the flames that he'd yearned and seen ever again.
He'd killed his everything.
And he had nothing left.
Nothing.
"This proves it," Near said, staring at him pointedly, his eyes a cheap imitation of L's (they don't see him).
Light made a show of glaring at him, when truly, all there was left is an empty void that had swallowed his soul.
"Light Yagami," the kid said with absolute certainty, "You are Kira."
Choked cries of disbelief and disappointment came from the people that he worked with, as he expected.
They meant nothing to him.
This was simply a final act that he had to perform and it had to be done splendidly (he's false).
Light's face morphed into a leering grin and he threw his head to the skies and cackled maniacally (fake, fake, FAKE), feeling eyes on him, all of them unknowing audience to his last performance.
It was the pain from being shot that shocked him awake with its red hot, burning spikes.
He was suddenly lucid, desperation coating his veins as he called out, for Misa, Takada, anyone.
Light stopped himself before he could say his name.
He could not say his name, not even when his eyes welled up with unshed tears.
Not the truth.
A loud screech rang out and Light turned his attention to a screaming and bleeding Mikami, distracting his final group of audience (no more after this).
He took the chance.
He ran (before he could be seen).
He lay, pained and exhausted on the rusted stairs.
The agony of being shot was nothing compared to this.
Light gasped as his heart throbbed, constricting painfully in the confines of his chest.
Taking each breath was becoming too difficult to maintain but he struggled, the deep gray that now embodied him not enough to halt his basic instincts.
His heart fluttered feebly, his life began to ebb away.
His eyes slowly began to close (grayness the last thing he will see).
Then he came.
Light stared up, speechless, pained, shocked, into the face of someone he hadn't seen for years.
L stood before him, his form more vibrant and colorful than he had remembered, bright against the slate hues of their surroundings.
Suddenly, he could see again.
L smiled gently at him, his dark eyes brightening ever so slightly, shining blue under the golden light.
Light tried to smile back (a real one, he tried) but only managed a pained grimace and L laughed at his warped expression.
Another pained throb squeezed a gasp out of him and L began to look saddened.
Light thought did not deserve that look from him.
Not with what he's done.
Light moistened his lips, before croaking out the word he had wanted to tell L a long time ago.
"Sorry."
"I know," L said in response, not a hint of animosity in his eyes (those beautiful, colorful 'mirror eyes'.
Light opened his mouth to speak again, only managing a strangled groan as pain sapped his strength.
"Shh…" L uttered as he leaned closer, getting Light to stop speaking.
Light despaired that he will never be able to tell L, the truth that he deserved to hear.
L then answered his unspoken words, smiling gently at him, "I know, me too."
Light said nothing, he simply smiled.
Another jolt of pain wracked his body and he shuddered, wincing.
L squatted down and placed a hand on his forehead (it was calming).
"Sleep, Light-kun," he soothed gently, as Light slowly closes his eyes, keeping them lingering on L as long as they could before darkness claimed him.
The genuine smile (finally, finally) on his face remained even when he was long dead.
"Thanks for being my friend, L."
"I know, me too."