Okay, a little backstory/explanation for those not in the know.
Bondformers is not my personal project; it was started by a bunch of like-minded Transfans on /cm/. When ideas started getting crazy, what with all the drawfags flooding threads with fanart of Starscream in a red silk dress and Optimus in a dapper black suit, hundreds of possible story-lines arose and since /cm/ no longer takes kindly to wall-of-text posts, the writefags (myself included) posted their stuff on the tfwip(underscore)4(underscore)chan LiveJournal community. There are already a couple of Bondformers stories posted ages ago here on FFnet that detail the (mis)adventures of the main stars (OP/SS), and you can find links to those stories and others on the LJ comm.
With that said, please enjoy my first foray into published fanfiction. Beware adverb abuse.
.. .. .. ..
"This is it?"
Sunstreaker glanced again at the small slip of paper he held, and casually scorched it to cinders. He looked appraisingly at the white frills and stylized white awnings glinting in the light of Cybertron's sun. "P did say they owned a restaurant."
Sideswipe snorted and dusted off a bit of ash that fell on the sleeve of his crisp black suit, identical to his twin's beside him. "He obviously neglected to say it was a costume café, with cross-dressing mechs prancing about. Not that I'm complaining," he added, ducking to peer at the menu propped on an easel, and suddenly let out a whoop of delight that caused some of the customers to stare. "Hey Sunny, check this out! They've actually got energon shortcakes! And energon jelly cornettes!" Sideswipe excitedly continued tallying other items on the menu that caught his optics, but his twin had already stopped listening, thoroughly distracted by a point further above the menu. Sunstreaker subtly nudged his brother, and nodded to the point in question, now sauntering its way towards them.
"Cakes aren't the only short notices around here," Sunstreaker said in an undertone, and when Sideswipe raised his head he found himself staring into gorgeous golden optics that crinkled around the edges as their owner smiled pleasantly at them.
"Welcome to Heaven Seekers Café, may I offer you two gentlemechs a seat?"
It took Sideswipe some time to remember to close his slack jaw but he quickly recovered and easily slipped into a winning smile as he deliberately raked bright blue optics across the waiterbot's (maidbot's?) sleek wings that glowed pure gold, like the rest of his body detail. Lines of pale gold lace peeked out from under his pelvic, knee and upper arm plates, while reddish-gold frills covered his throat. A decorative sheet of metal hung low on his hips like a half-open skirt, with a large red and gold bow peeking out from behind, highlighting the flier mech's smooth white thighs. Sideswipe was having difficulty believing this wasn't a female bot. "Thank you, my dear. We'll have a booth in the back."
The golden Seeker smiled again, bowed, and made to lead them inside when Sunstreaker smoothly caught his waist. He pulled the other mech close and discreetly tucked something into his hand. He bent down to whisper into the maidbot's audio receptor, "Why don't you let us see ourselves in, while you run along and bring us two energon shortcakes and the ladies running this establishment?"
"You could even serve the ladies with the cakes, we really wouldn't mind," Sideswipe added, a smirk crossing his faceplate.
The maidbot glanced at the note in his hand and looked back up at Sunstreaker. "They might be a little occupied right now, sir," he continued in a similarly low voice, his throaty voice like fingertips running across the Lamborghini's dermal plates. Sunstreaker found himself wondering vaguely where he had his vocalizer carefully modified to achieve that particular effect. "But I'll try to persuade them to come ov—"
Sunstreaker cut him short with a dazzling smile. "Madame…" he flicked an optic to the elaborate nameplate on his chest vent, "… Sunstorm, I can assure that they will come over once that particular note is delivered to them. Otherwise, they probably wouldn't bother at all." Sunstreaker released him from his arm.
The maidbot Sunstorm nodded then, and walked a little unsteadily to the back of the tall glass display, nearly grazing a black and red maidbot with his wing. The other maidbot nearly lost his hold on a tray of delicate cups of hot energon infusions, and quietly hissed at Sunstorm, who made an apologetic gesture in reply.
Sideswipe chuckled at his twin. "Careful where you throw around that charm of yours, I think he busted a turbine back there," he said, watching as Sunstorm was now presumably deep in conversation with two figures hidden behind the stacks of pale pink energon muffins and iridescent energon éclairs. At one end of the display counter, a black and white maidbot rang up the cashier.
"All in a day's work, little bro," Sunstreaker replied, his gaze following his brother's. Then he went inside, followed shortly by Sideswipe, and looked around. "Now where is that booth you so thoughtfully reserved for us?"
They snaked their way through the crowded café. Over the slow beat of the music playing in the overhead speakers, muted conversations flared up left and right over plates of the most exquisitely prepared drinks and pastries the twins had ever seen. The ornate decorations didn't stop at the sidewalk; instead they seem to have multiplied and turned more intricate inside the shop, where white lace trimmings and velvet damasks seemed to spill from nearly every available surface. Tables and chairs were styled to resemble fluffy white poufs, and even the pale china was inlaid with complex titanium whorls. A faint but delicious aroma of warm energon pervaded the air inside.
Fortunately the booth at the back was already empty when they reached it, and shortly after making themselves comfortable Sunstorm came to their table bearing a heavy tray of what Sideswipe thought was a cloud of electron icing on top of a very large energon cake.
"Madames Skywarp and Thundercracker have asked me to serve this cake especially for the two of you, free of charge," Sunstorm said, gracefully setting the cake down in the middle of the table after he passed two small plates to Sunstreaker and Sideswipe. "Please accept it as a token of hospitality from us. Would you like me to cut a slice for you both?"
They nodded and thanked him, and as Sunstorm cut the cake he began worrying his lower lip. After he passed out the second slice of cake, he couldn't stop himself and blurted out, "I hope you two know what you're doing."
Sideswipe slowly licked electron icing off his finger, not breaking visual contact with the maidbot. Sunstreaker offlined his optics and rested his chin on his interlaced hands, a small smile playing on his pale lips. "We have some experience with these matters," Sunstreaker said lightly. "You don't have to worry that pretty little head of yours."
Sideswipe stabbed another finger into his cake. "We're kind of a big deal around here," he said finally, a wet fingertip between his smile.
Sunstorm managed to crack a worried half-smile at them, then bowed shakily and busied herself at another table. Sunstreaker's optics flicked back on as he regarded his twin beside him levelly. "Now what?"
"Now, we think of a plan while we eat," Sideswipe replied as he cut into a corner of his slice.
.. .. .. ..
Three-quarters into the cake, they heard a sharp staccato as two pairs of gleaming thruster boots clicked across the café's marble floor, and they stood up automatically to greet their hosts, smiling broadly.
If the twins had been attracted to the beautiful Sunstorm before, the two maidbot Seekers now walking towards them swept them off their feet. Alone, either of them would have already been quite striking; but together, they were spark-breakingly breathtaking. They weren't wearing any nameplates; but then, they didn't need to. Sideswipe and Sunstreaker already know who they were.
The mech with the darker colors, they remembered, was Skywarp; his uniform was similar to Sunstorm's, except tailored to match his paint detail. Broad black wings, shot through with a streak of violet each, spread majestically from his back. From his shoulders hung long arm guards, which braced a deadly laser gun on each side. The blue and white mech, Thundercracker, was outfitted in the same style, with identical shoulder gun braces that the other maidbots in the café lacked. His blue wings, with a stripe of red on each, quivered slightly as they stopped before the Lamborghinis' booth.
Skywarp regarded the twins' blatant ogling with a highly amused glint in his red optics, while Thundercracker elegantly raised one hand to interrupt their greeting.
"There's no need for such formalities, gentlemechs. Please, take your seats." he said courteously, in a lilting accent Sunstreaker only ever heard in countries further south. He couldn't quite place it, but it certainly had him hanging on to every word that left the Seeker's mouth. He and Sideswipe sat back down, while the Seekers slid lithely into the couch across their table.
"What urgent business compels you to seek our personal attention?" Skywarp asked, his foreign intonation prompting Sideswipe to think distractedly how distastefully nasal it would sound on anybody else, yet he found himself liking it immensely. He cleared a few cables in his throat before he spoke.
"My designation is Smokescreen, and this is my associate, Bluestreak," Sideswipe said, smoothly dropping one of their more obscure field aliases. He was fairly confident they weren't too well known in this sector of town to be immediately recognized. "We wanted to personally extend our compliments to you on your delicious…" he let his optics linger an astrosecond too long on Skywarp's cockpit, "… cakes."
Sunstreaker nodded helpfully beside him, mouth still full of cake. "They're absolutely divine," he said, cheekily winking an optic.
Thundercracker laughed delightedly. "You flatter us too much, Monsieur Bluestreak," he said, as the twins simultaneously thought Aha, so it was Tarnic! at each other across a specially scrambled communication link they shared between them and with the rest of the agency. "But really," Thundercracker continued, a little more serious as he leaned in closer, his optics gleaming in anticipation, "why did you really call us out here?"
Sideswipe spread his arms, the picture of innocence. "We were here for the cakes!" he said, but dropped his smile slightly as Thundercracker threw him a disdainful look over his glass oculars. "And maybe a little information," he admitted, grinning again.
Skywarp smiled cryptically then. "Then if we are to speak of matters requiring some amount of truthfulness, you may as well drop your pretenses, Monsieur Smokescreen. Or should I say…" he trailed off, his smile twisting into a predatory grin, "Messieurs Sideswipe and Sunstreaker?"
The twins were shocked, though their faceplates didn't register any change in expression.
How the slagging— our cover was flawless! We barely even visit this sector! Sideswipe thought irritatedly at his brother while keeping his expression perfectly composed.
Sunstreaker smiled to mask his frustration. We're this far in already, might as well go on as planned. We'll just have to tweak a few bolts in our original strategy. He spoke aloud to Skywarp.
"Your intelligence is impressively up-to-date, Madame," he said snidely. "I can see what makes this notorious little café so infamously sought after. Wouldn't you agree, Sides?" he asked his brother lightly, though he kept his narrowed optics focused steadily on the maidbots across him.
"Indeed," Sideswipe agreed, though his tone was less jovial than earlier. "Your names are something of a legend in many underground circles, though I'm afraid this is the first time we've had to avail of your… special services."
Thundercracker smiled serenely and affected a look of modesty. "I certainly hope we can live up to your expectations, although…" and here his tone turned sly, "I was not aware that our so-called legendary reputation would reach the ears of your prestigious agency."
Now it was Sunstreaker's turn to explode violently across the scrambled comm link, and Sideswipe winced internally. "Oh, we get around," he said, smirking wickedly.
Skywarp tilted his head to the side, the expression on his face now closely mirroring Sideswipe's. "If you really do get around as much as you'd like to imply, then you must know that we always sell our information at the highest possible price."
A slag-eating grin sliced across Sunstreaker's faceplate as he reached into his internal storage and pulled out a tightly bolted steel cube. He slid it smoothly across the table, where Thundercracker deftly stopped it. He pressed a series of buttons on one face of the cube and unlocked the latch. Whatever was in there definitely caught his interest and held it, judging by the way his optics widened and he struggled to maintain his placid composure. Almost reluctantly, he shut the cube, and passed it to Skywarp who stared hungrily into its contents a little longer before closing it again. He rubbed his throat before speaking.
"This is a lot of energon chips just for a bit of gossip," Skywarp said finally, his voice catching on the last word.
Sunstreaker was obviously relishing that the conversation was now turned in their favor. He crossed his arms and leaned back into the couch, furiously triumphant. "So?" he asked, drawing out the word. He couldn't resist a broad smile from breaking across his face.
Thundercracker pouted irritably. "So," he snapped, "what do you want to know?"
Sunstreaker made to open his mouth again, but Sideswipe quickly overrode him. Primus knows how much time he could waste by rubbing in his victory in his opponent's faces. "I'll cut to the chase," he said briskly, leaning across the table. "Tell us where Megatron is right now, and how he plans to steal the AllSpark. Again."
Skywarp made a little noise like a muted screech as he suddenly reached across the table and angrily fisted a handful of Sideswipe's shirt and tie, pulling in their faces less than a breath apart from each other, his optics flashing red and bright. "Who the slag do you think you are, Autobot filth, coming onto our turf and demanding that kind of highly classified information like you had any right to it?!" he hissed violently, the delicate Tarnic accent gone and his voice sinking considerably into an unmistakable hard-edged baritone.
"Watch it, Skywarp," Sunstreaker said quietly, breaking the uneasy silence that radiated throughout the café from their booth. Even the other maidbots stopped their incessant weaving through the tables. Two of them were still clutching loaded trays, watching them guardedly. "I've got a charged laser gun aimed at your engines under this table, and if you pull that kind of stunt on me or my partner again I will explode your cylinders all over your quaint little pouf."
Thundercracker narrowed his red optics as he forced Skywarp back to his seat. Reluctantly, Skywarp released his deathgrip on Sideswipe's collar, who calmly smoothed down the fabric of his shirt as though nothing happened. He turned around to face the rest of the café, and waved casually at the crowd. "Sorry, folks," he said loudly, effectively drowning out his brother's sudden pleas to silence him, "but he was insisting I try the energon muffin with a glass of cold infusion, on the pain of getting permanently offlined." He laughed a little nervously when he got no response from the shocked crowd. "Seemed rather trivial, but you know how irrationally temperamental Seekers can be," he added mildly, glancing sidelong at Skywarp. He glared back at Sideswipe, still seething, although Thundercracker was now whispering something urgently into his audio receptor that sounded suspiciously like shut the slag up you fragging glitch.
Eventually, the low hum of conversation blanketed the café once more, effectively covering up the dark silence that had built up among the four mechs in the last booth.
Thundercracker cleared his vocal processors as he tried to breach the thick silence. "We can withhold the information you want, even after you've already paid more than the required price. There are certain allegiances we are bound to honor first," he said, switching back to a deeper timbre as well.
Sunstreaker was amused at how little it took to provoke the Seekers into dropping their carefully cultivated façades. He steepled his hands and rested his chin on his fingertips. "Then it's just as well that we didn't pay anything yet," he said evenly.
A beat. "… What?" Thundercracker asked blankly. Skywarp immediately wrenched the steel cube open again, only confirming that it was indeed empty.
"It was a hologram," Sunstreaker said, raising an ocular ridge at their furious red glares. Mentally, he thanked one of their resident specialists, Hound, for teaching them that little trick, though neither he nor Sideswipe could sustain an image for longer than a few kliks. "We figured it would at least keep you interested long enough to spill the dirt on your boss…"
"… but apparently," Sideswipe continued, "we'd underestimated the strength of Decepticon loyalty."
Skywarp laughed humorlessly. "Well, not all of us can emulate Starscream's shining example…"
Sideswipe tilted head, puzzled. Starscream? he asked his brother over the comm link.
Sunstreaker quickly replied, Yeah, you know, that femmebot Seeker 007 was supposed to take care of. Haven't heard what happened during that mission yet, though.
Their thought-messages fired across the scrambled comm link like rapid gunfire, taking only astroseconds to finish. Huh, thought Sideswipe, knowing Prime, he probably seduced that poor son of a glitch into telling him everything she knew, down to the color of Megatron's internal hydraulics.
Sunstreaker reeled mentally. Ugh, thank you, Sideswipe, for giving my processor images it doesn't ever need to see.
Sideswipe sent a chuckle across the link. Always glad to oblige, Sunshine, he finished, cutting the link before Sunstreaker could fire back a scathing retort.
"… and we do have some honor left among our ranks," Skywarp continued. "For example, we wouldn't do something as crass as conduct a business deal with illusions."
Sideswipe shrugged. "Secretly poisoning your guests doesn't seem to be beneath you, though."
Skywarp blinked his optics several times in mild surprise, but quickly concealed it with a sly smile. "… So you noticed."
Sideswipe widened his optics pointedly, glancing from Skywarp to Thundercracker. "And haven't you noticed anything? Like…" he waited to see if either of them was going to say something else, "… how we're both still functional?"
Realization slowly dawned on the two Decepticons like liquid nitrogen spilling down their backs.
"Here, I'll explain," Sunstreaker said, a self-satisfied tone creeping into his words. "Whatever you put in that cake…" he motioned to the decimated mass of pink frosting on the platter, "whether it was unrefined organic energon, or liquefied slag, or something worse, we're resistant to it. Specialized systems," he clarified, tapping his chest plate proudly. "One of the many perks of our job."
Sideswipe laughed outright at their bewildered expressions. "Looks like your intelligence isn't as updated as you'd like to imply," he said mockingly.
Skywarp's face turned sour. Thundercracker raised one laser gun straight at them, his optics glowing dangerously. "You are sorely testing what little hospitality we have left," he said flatly. Other customers who had been watching this exchange suddenly began screaming in panic, sending everyone else running headlong out of the carved doors in a mad dash for safety. Sunstreaker noticed detachedly that the other maidbots were running in the opposite direction amid the flurry, seemingly into pre-assigned battle stations.
Sideswipe laughed again. "If you ladies were spoiling so badly for a fight, you could have skipped all that pleasant nonsense so we could get straight to the action," he said teasingly.
It was Skywarp's turn to laugh this time. "Ah," he sighed as he raised his laser gun as well, "but isn't it so much more exciting to go through all the lovely pretenses of attraction and flirtation?" he said, with a hint of his earlier accent
Even Sunstreaker had to admit there wasn't much he could argue against that. "So what happens between us now?" he asked, a little too suggestively for the situation.
The two Seekers grinned identically in reply, took dead aim and fired two shots.