Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Crossing Jordan.
A/N: I know you're all going to kill me for this but I couldn't help myself. I know I have three stories waiting to be updated and I'm working on them, but this story had limited time to be written. Anyway enjoy, it's my take on the previews and spoilers for the finale. I also wanted to give a quick thanks to WIWJ for proofreading it and offering suggestions.
This Feeling I Can't Change
Chapter 1 – I Don't Remember
Jordan stood there staring at the phone. JD had just called her and apologized for their previous conversation. She hadn't even been able to stop herself from inviting him to Lily's wedding. She was shocked when he agreed to come. He said he'd fly in the day before, maybe they could catch up before the engagement party.
After she hung up, she was struck with the realization of what she'd just done. She'd let go of Woody. After learning of his affair with Lu, she had become numb. All romantic thoughts of him, of them together, had been pushed away. She put on a mask and refused to let her emotions penetrate the wall in which she hid behind. She hadn't even had time to ponder what had become of her and Woody's relationship. She had just let it become dust in the wind.
That was until JD told her he was coming to see her. Calling him was one thing, but seeing him and inviting him back into her life were another. She knew this time, things had to be different, that once he was back Woody could no longer be any part of her future in any romantic sense. These thoughts plagued her as she stared at the phone on her counter.
She remembered back to her dance with Woody only to have it end with one pull of a trigger, courtesy of Wayne Riggs. She remembered the kisses her and Woody had shared and the near kisses that probably would have saved their relationship, if she had only let him in. She remembered their dances and the laughter shared between them, but mostly she remembered the safety she'd found in him. He was her anchor, her rock, until Riggs shattered his world. Which in turn led him to shatter her heart.
She thought of her relationship with Pollack. No it hadn't been perfect, but it had been real. She had learned what a mature relationship could be like. Then she had screwed it up. She had slept with Woody, the man she thought she truly loved. The man she thought had truly loved her. Even when Pollack was willing to look past her indiscretion, she hadn't been able to sort out her feelings for Woody. She thought of Pollack's parting words, "I think you know what you want." She thought she did. Then Woody had refused to be her rebound, which she had understood and accepted. She had backed off, giving her time and even Woody time to come to terms with the direction of their relationship. Next thing she knew, she was walking into Woody's office, only to find him making out with Lu Simmons. Her entire body had gone numb. She walked away and pushed her emotions aside. Then she spoke to Pollack and he agreed to return. She realized now, her and Woody could never be.
XXXXX
Jordan arrived at the airport early and purchased a magazine to read while she waited. She was engrossed in an article when she heard the familiar Australian accent. "Well, well, the lovely Dr. Cavanaugh has actually come to pick me up?"
She jumped up and threw her arms around his solid body. Maybe he could be her rock? That thought led to a feeling of despair in the pit of her stomach. She was going to let go of Woody.
"How was your flight?" Jordan asked nervously, still digesting her realizations.
"Why you haven't changed your mind, have you Cavanaugh?" he asked, his eyes shifting nervously.
"No, no. Not at all."
He smiled and pressed his lips to hers. Her stomach fluttered, but not romantically, more from fear of uncertainty. She pushed her feelings aside and smiled. "Well we have exactly two hours before we have to get ready."
"Well, how about coffee? You can update me on your life since I left Boston."
She smiled, if only he knew.
XXXXX
They chose a quaint, coffee shop not too far from Logan airport. They sat down nervously, suddenly allowing the awkwardness of their situation to sink in. "So tell me Cavanaugh, what happened to Farm Boy?" he asked, spitting out Jordan's old pet name for Woody.
"Some things in life just aren't meant to be," she said evasively. He cocked his head to the side and waited for her to continue. "Let's just say, it turns out I'm not the one that he wants."
"Is he the one you want?"
"I thought he was. I've never been very good at knowing what I want."
He smiled. "What is it you think you want?"
"To be loved. To have someone be able to look past my issues and love me anyway. To love someone in return. To feel safe and secure and I think you're the person who can provide that."
Pollack leaned back and absorbed her words. "So I'm your rebound from Woody's rejection?" he asked coldly. "Just like before."
"No," she said her eyes flitting to his face, allowing him to see the depth of her sorrow. "I realized Woody isn't the one I want."
"Jordan I don't want to play this time. If I'm who you want then make me believe you and Farm Boy are done for good."
"What screwing his shrink isn't enough proof for you?" she shouted indignantly, cursing the tears that sprung to her eyes.
Pollack's face fell as he digested what she'd said. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be. It isn't anything worse than what I did to you. I guess I deserved to feel your pain."
He frowned. "It's not about that. I'm sorry he wasn't the man you thought he was. I'm sorry he couldn't give you what you deserve."
"And what is it I deserve?" she asked, a smile creeping across her face.
"A happy ending."
XXXXX
Hours passed and Jordan had told him the story of Kayla, the story of Lu, the story of Garret, the story of Lily and all other stories of people he'd met before he left. He was overwhelmed with the information of everything she'd faced since he'd left.
They were back at her place, getting ready, when he'd asked her the question. "Do you love me?"
The words had felt like a physical blow to the head, leaving her disoriented and confused. "What?" she asked when she regained her composure.
"Do you love me?"
"I haven't seen you for months. We haven't talked in months. Let's give us some time."
"I don't want to be strung along again Cavanaugh. Before we broke up I told you I loved you and you never said it back. Then you had your rendezvous with Farm Boy and everything fell to pieces. I just want to know that our relationship has a chance."
"Can we talk about this later? Lily's party starts in ten minutes and I'm in the wedding party."
"Yes our talk can take a rain check."
XXXXX
Jeffrey's mother was throwing a large party at her Beacon Hill Estate. The yard was littered with guests, mostly people Lily had never met, but at least her friends were there. The party started at seven and went until ten. Then Lily had invited her closest friends back to the old Pogue for the rest of the evening. A way for her to ease her worries about her upcoming big day.
Jordan and Pollack mingled with many guests. JD had gotten into a large debate with one of the guests about politics and Jordan was thankful that Lily had dragged her away.
"So Jordan you and Pollack have rekindled the flame?" she asked curiously.
"We're just seeing how things play out."
Nigel was the only person privy to the details of the Lucy Carver Inn. Jordan hadn't been able to tell anyone else and since Woody had moved on, she hadn't wanted to.
"So that's the guest you're bringing?"
"Yeah, that's the mystery date," Jordan laughed at how odd it all sounded.
XXXXX
The party turned out to be a bit of a disaster. Jeffrey's mother had made a speech, regarding her son's dating life. Her exact words were, "My Jeffrey was always a little shy. That made dating a little hard for him. In fact he hasn't had much of a dating life at all. However, he did the best he could with the life he's lived and he's picked a wife accordingly. I only hope she can provide my Jeffrey with the happiness he deserves. Welcome to the family Lily."
Everyone had just stared at Lily, waiting for her to react. She gave everyone a nervous smile and thanked Elaine for her toast.
At least the after party was going to turn out to be a success. Jordan and JD were discussing weather in D.C. with Nigel, when the bell over the door jangled, alerting everyone another guest had arrived. To Jordan's horror, Woody and Lu walked through the door. "Woody, thank you so much for coming," Lily squealed, as she raced over and hugged him and then hugged Lu.
Jordan watched JD's expression turn to a grimace. Woody and JD had not ended things very pleasantly before he'd left Boston. He wasn't to keen to spend time with him now.
Woody and Lu made their way over to the designated tables where the morgue employees, some of Boston PD and a few of Jeffrey's friends from the DA's office were sitting.
XXXXX
Jordan spent most of the night avoiding Woody. JD couldn't tell if that was her way of proving to him, that she was over Woody, because it sure didn't seem like it.
A song started playing on the jukebox, a very drunk Lily had requested it. It was "Free Bird," by Lynyrd Skynyrd. JD watched Jordan's eyes light up momentarily before dropping and becoming distant. She scanned the room and her eyes fell upon Woody who seemed to have a similar reaction to the song. JD watched their eyes meet and for that second could still feel the passion radiating from the two. How could they possibly be over? He'd wondered so many times but now he couldn't possibly believe it as the truth.
Woody came over to them and kneeled down in front of Jordan. JD felt an urge to hit him as jealousy surged through his body. "Dance with me Jordan?" Woody asked extending his hand.
"I can't," she whispered. JD could hear the quiver in her voice.
"Please," he pleaded. His was voice soft and sad.
"We can't do this Woody," she said gently.
"Please Jordan, one dance."
Jordan had been reluctant. She turned to Pollack and met his gaze. It was unreadable. She could hear her head screaming no, but her heart overruled screaming yes. She took Woody's outstretched hand and allowed him to pull her close to him as they reached the dance floor. His familiar scent washed over her and her mind raced back through her memories of them dancing to this very song. She was overwhelmed with emotion and he placed his arms around her back and pulled her against him, giving her the same sensation of safety. Tears poured down her cheeks. He could feel the warm droplets as they dripped onto his neck. "I'm so sorry Jordan," he whispered. "I'm so sorry I can't be the man you want me to be."
She had no idea what he was talking about, but she realized at this very moment she didn't care. "Don't talk, just hold me," she pleaded.
JD and Lu sat at the table, with their jaws practically hitting the floor. JD's face had contorted into an expression of hurt, whereas Lu's expression was one of sheer anger and disbelief. "All right that's enough," JD muttered, standing up and walking towards Jordan and Woody.
"Oh no you don't," Garret and Nigel said, blocking his path.
"Get out of my way," he ordered coldly.
"I don't think so mate," Nigel retorted.
"I didn't come here to watch her dance with Detective Hee Haw Hoyt."
"Well then why did you come here?" Garret asked tersely.
"She invited me here. I didn't contact her. I am not going through this bullshit again."
"Then why don't you just leave?" Nigel asked.
The standoff between the three men had become so intense that none of them noticed the song had ended and Jordan and Woody were coming back to the table. "Going some where Pollack?" Woody asked.
"Yeah to beat the shit out of you," Pollack yelled, attracting attention from everyone attending the party.
"What because of one harmless dance?"
"That didn't look very harmless to me," Pollack shouted indignantly.
"Pollack sit down," Jordan ordered, feeling self-conscious with everyone watching.
"Why Jordan so when I turn my back, you can sleep with him again?"
Lily's glass fell from her hand and shattered on the floor. Everyone was paying close attention now. Jordan didn't know whether to cry or be angry. She grabbed him by the arm and dragged him out of the room where no one could watch their argument.
He followed her out to the parking lot. "What was that?" she screamed.
"I thought you were over him?"
"I didn't say we weren't friends. I can't just cut Woody from my life."
"Oh so it's okay to press your body up against his on the dance floor and let him hold you like that, as long as you are 'over him,'" he yelled, making the quotation signs with his hands.
"I am over him. Woody and I don't have a future."
"I can't be with someone who can't let go of the love from their past."
"I did let it go."
"Did you? Really because what I witnessed in their wasn't letting go?"
"What do you want me to say Pollack?"
"There's nothing you can say Jordan. There's nothing to say. You still love Woody."
"Well I'm trying to move on."
"Well you're not trying hard enough. You still can't let go. You still keep on hoping that everything will just be okay."
His words stung. "What am I supposed to do?"
"Jordan you can't be friends with him. You can't be friends with someone you have a past like that with."
"What, so I should cut Woody from life?"
"Jordan you'll never be over him if you don't."
"Why would I call you then?"
"To make yourself think that you are. I don't want to be that guy Cavanaugh. You need to get over Woody before you can ever have anything with me."
"Pollack, I am trying. Please just give me a chance?"
"I will someday, when I know that you and Woody are finally over."
She ran up to him and kissed him. He tried to push her away but found he couldn't. "Please Cavanaugh, it will be best for both of us," he said as she pulled back. He wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'm not the guy you want. There's one thing I still firmly believe, there's no cure for malaria."
"People learn to live with it. There are plenty of people who have gotten over relationships like mine and Woody's, why is ours different?"
"Because Cavanaugh, you aren't over him yet."
"Well it's going to be a lot easier with someone by my side."
He stared at her, searching her eyes for an answer. "You can't love me like you do him."
"Well what am I supposed to do about it?"
"Maybe for once you and him could actually talk about it? You know why your relationship has never worked? You don't talk. You have so much passion for one another that you think that everything else will just fall into place. It doesn't, relationships take communication and understanding. I think you and Hoyt could probably be very happy together but you're both too pig headed and stubborn to do anything about it."
Jordan stood there, watching Pollack walk away. Tears fell down her cheeks. She turned back to the bar, but realized she couldn't face everyone. She decided to find somewhere else to get drunk.
She climbed in her car and drove downtown to a smaller, dingier bar. She ignored the smell of sweat that radiated from the patrons. She sat down at the bar and waited for the bartender to come over. "What can I get for you?"
"Vodka," she said. "Lot's of vodka."
The bartender smiled. "Rough day?"
"You have no idea," she said, with a smile, as he slid her drink over.
XXXXX
After spending several hours in the bar, telling the bartender her story, she finally decided to go home. Well the bartender did suggest it when she mentioned that she was in a wedding party the next morning. He also suggested she take a cab, which she agreed as soon as he offered to call one. She was numb and finally felt she could drift off to sleep without thinking of the disaster her life had become.
When she got home, she unlocked her door, shut it and went to bed.
XXXXX
"Jordan are you in there? Jordan open the door, I'm getting married soon," Lily shouted as she pounded on Jordan's big red door. "All right, I'll open it myself. I have a key."
Lily slid the silver key into the lock and turned it until it clicked. She opened the door and looked around the chaotic mess that was Jordan's apartment. As she surveyed the room, she realized something was very wrong. Lamps were knocked over and random items were strewn across the room. "Jordan," she called as she walked towards Jordan's bedroom.
She pushed open the door and gasped as she saw Jordan standing beside JD's dead body with a gun held tightly in her hands. JD's blood was all over Jordan's close and Jordan's bloody fingerprints were everywhere. "Jordan," Lily said nervously.
Jordan didn't respond and Lily moved closer. She reached out and grabbed Jordan's chin with her hand. Jordan looked up at her, tears were streaming down her face and her hands shook with fear. "Jordan what happened?"
"I…I…I d…don't remember," Jordan admitted, her voice sounding like that of a traumatized ten-year-old child.