Disclaimer: Characters aren't mine…
A/N: I was researching sweet ideas to do for your significant other, and one idea was to send flowers to their mother on their birthday thanking her for them. What else other than an Alex and Olivia situation pops into my head. And for those of you reading One Night Stand, it should be updated soon. I've had computer issues. I'm almost done with the newest chapter, but I had to write this.
I can't believe I'm freakin' 40 today! As I step into the shower, every year is brought to the forefront of my memory with each aching muscle I can feel relaxing under the spray.
Birthdays have always been bittersweet for me. I don't have a lot of happy memories from my childhood, but the first half of this day was always one of the best.
My mom would wake me up with chocolate chip pancakes and my presents…always sober. She would let me skip school, and we would do whatever I wanted all morning. I knew come lunch time, our day together was over. She would start drinking as soon as we arrived at the restaurant of my choice. And the day went downhill from there. After leaving the restaurant, she would begin drinking heavily. Sometimes she would stay home with me, but she usually left for a bar, which I actually preferred. I would have rather been alone on my birthday than with the woman my mom became when she drank.
What would start off as the best day of the year, always ended as one of the worst. The love she bestowed on me in the morning was returned tenfold with hate in the afternoon.
After my eighth birthday, when she told me of my conception, is when I began to cherish these mornings. I later realized how hard it must be for her to try and celebrate my birth because it was in a way celebrating the fact that she was raped.
My mom and I never had a very good relationship, but it gradually got better as I grew up. It was easier for us to get along after I moved out and we weren't in close proximity any longer. It was easier for me because I didn't have to watch my mother kill herself with alcohol or deal with her rage, and it was easier for my mom because she didn't have to look at me every day and remember what she had been through.
"Hey Liv," Alex calls from the bedroom.
"Yea?"
"I've got to run some errands real quick. I shouldn't be gone too long." I can hear her now in the bathroom finishing getting ready.
"That's fine. I might not be here when you get back. I've got some things to do too." Today is the one day that I visit my mother's graveside without fail. I find myself compelled to visit at random points in time, but today is a constant.
"Don't forget, the guys are taking you out for you birthday."
"I know. If I'm not back in time for us leave, go ahead and I'll meet you there."
"Okay." She sticks her head into the back of the shower, trying not to get wet. She is so beautiful. "Happy birthday Sweetheart. I love you." She leans forward to give me a kiss.
"I love you too." And I do. I never expected to have what I do with Alex. She is everything I don't deserve. I'm still waiting for the morning that she wakes up and realizes this.
As I slowly make my way through the city to the cemetery, I think back on my childhood. I try to think of all the good times, and the list is short. The half day of my birthday is the only times that come to mind.
Not that it was always bad, it just wasn't usually good. Some days, even if she were drunk, we could, not necessarily get along with but, tolerate each other.
But then some days, it was as if he were sitting in front of her instead of myself, and she would rather slap me than look at me. She wasn't physically abusive until my teen years. It was as if she knew I could handle it at that point and it no longer mattered what she did to me. She had always been emotionally abusive.
I don't even look up as I enter the cemetery. I know which paths I need to take. There's no need to watch my steps.
I finally look up when I'm about ten feet from the grave. I'm surprised to see someone very familiar already there. I silently stop so that I don't scare her of interrupt the moment that she's in. She has evidently been in deep thought because she has not heard my approach.
I almost jump when she begins to speak.
"Miss Benson. I'm Alexandra Cabot, Olivia's girlfriend. I know we never meet, and I don't really know whether I'm disappointed or not about that, but I wanted to thank you for bringing your wonderful daughter into this world." She pauses and I feel tears welling up in my eyes. I start to take a step to her, but she starts talking again.
"I can't decide if she's the person she is today because of or despite you, but either way you influenced her. Even if it was because she knew she wanted to be nothing like you. I know it's bad to speak ill of the dead, but you in no way deserved her. She is the most amazing person I know. She has the kindest and sweetest heart. She puts everyone ahead of herself, sometimes to the point where it becomes harmful to her. And she's so strong. But you must know that since everything you put her through never broke her."
She stops again, but I can't move. Tears are now running down my face. I had wanted to walk away when I heard her talking about me. I'm not the 'receive a compliment' kind of person. But I couldn't turn away from the passion in her voice.
"I love her Miss Benson. With my entire heart. But after everything you put her through, it's hard for her to accept love. She doesn't think she deserves it, whereas everyone around her can see she deserves it more than anyone in the world. It's a struggle, with all the self doubt you placed in her, to make her see just how amazing she is." I can hear her voice break and want so badly to wrap my arms around her and comfort her, but it's as if I'm cemented in place. So I let her know I'm here for her the only way I can think of.
"Lexi."
She gasps as she spins around. A faint blush rises on her cheeks and she looks embarrassed to be caught speaking with my mother. "I…I just…" After the most passionate speech I have ever heard her give, in or out of court, she is now stuttering and stammering over her words.
I finally realize I can in fact move and walk to her. It seems as if I can only have one skill work at a time, because now that I can walk, I can't seem to speak.
So I do the only thing I know to express myself without words. I wrap her in a tight embrace and softly kiss her lips. I nuzzle my head into the softness where her neck and shoulder meet as tears continue streaming down my face.
I know that I'm supposed to be the strong one, but right here in her arms is my favorite place in the world. Nothing can touch me when she holds me.
As I finally regain control of my tears, I lean back to meet her eyes. I raise my hands to softly wipe away the tears on her face. "You know why I don't deserve you Alex? It has nothing to do with my mother and absolutely everything to do with you. You deserve the best of everything in the world, and all I have to give you is my love. It's things just like this, you thanking my alcoholic and abusive mother for me, that proves my point."
She in turn wipes away my tears. She leaves her hands cupping my face, thumbs gently rubbing my cheeks fingers tangled in my hair. "Did you ever think Liv that we deserve each other? That if I deserve the best in the world, you are it? That if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be the person that I am?"
I am again at a loss for words. I lean in to capture her lips with mine. I don't think I could handle anymore words of love from her right now without completely breaking down.
Again, the morning of my birthday is the happiest day of my life. But this time I know that the afternoon will be just as great.