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The plan ride home was agonizing. Even though it was only a couple of hours it seemed like forever. She had thought this would all be different. She couldn't be sitting on the plane next to Helena. She wouldn't be on the same plane as them at all. She would be coming home on a different day. And she would be married. She would be with Shane. But now… she didn't even know where Shane was, or who she was with… and knowing Shane, she was with someone. It was how she coped with things. Carmen reached for her mothers hand on her other side. She leaned her head on her mother's shoulder. It wasn't supposed to be like this.
Shane watched Carmen and her friends board the plane. She wanted so much to hold her. To tell her how much she did love her, but it was too late. They were on the plane and headed home, and she had lost her. Part of her thought it was all for the best. She was just like her father. She wanted to hate him, but she'd done the same thing to hundreds of women before Carmen. Why did she think it would be different? Because she loved her? That was the only part that would be different. Love. She tried to be who Carmen needed. Wanted. But in the end she would only hurt her more, and then Carmen would leave, and she would be alone. This was the only way.
Six Months Later…
Shane waited patiently at the bus stop. She had wanted to come back sooner, but she just couldn't leave (Her father's wife) and Shae. They had needed someone, and she stepped in where he father had left off. She had called Jenny a few times, and it was she who was suppose to pick her up today.
"Hey stranger." Jenny said from behind.
Shane smiled and hugged her. It was tight hug. She had underestimated what her friendship with Jenny had meant. "Hey!"
"It's about time you came home. It was too quiet there without you."
"Hey, I didn't completely abandon you, you've got Max."
Jenny laughed. "He's gone Shane. I got tired of all his bullshit about my hating men."
Shane just raised a eye brow.
"I don't' hate men, I just despise the neat little hole that Max felt the need to put himself in, in order to feel accepted."
The ride home was quiet. She didn't know what to expect so when she walked in the house, she just stood in the living room. Jenny dropped her keys on the table. There was a new flat screen Television in the living room. Shane walked into the kitchen. It was too soon to go into the bedroom. She stood at the sink and looked out at the studio. It was empty now. She grabbed a beer from the refrigerator, while Jenny answered the phone.
"Hello? Bette, Hi. No, no of course I'll be there. 6:00 ok bye."
While Jenny was talking, Shane wandered down the hall to her bedroom. It was just as she left it except all of Carmen's things were gone. The clothes she'd had in the closet. Her watch that always sat on the night table. Shane set down on the bed.
"She left about a week after the wedding." Jenny said "She was.. she was kind of broken. She cried a lot, and then came and got her stuff."
"I made a big mistake. I love her Jenny I do…but.."
"You're not your father Shane. You would never walk out on your wife and child."
"Who says I wouldn't? I've hurt more women in more ways then you could imagine Jen. And I did it cause I wanted to. So why, in the end wouldn't I do the same thing to Carmen. It wasn't fair."
"That should have been her decision." There was a moment of silence. "Bette was on the phone. Her Gallery is opening tonite. Wanna come with me?" There was no answer. "So, ok, I'm not asking anymore. You're coming with me. You friends, who have missed you very much, will be there."
The doors Opened on the Angelica Gallery and the crowds made their way in. Bette had kept all her art world contact along with the Peggy Peaboy collection that she now housed. The media and critics all mingled and drank. Bette watched from the side. It was all she had imagined. Working at the school and now this. There was time when Tina would have been by her side. Proud of her. Those times were gone and Tina wasn't even here. After she had taken Angelica she knew it was not going to help her, but she didn't want to take her back to them. Back to that room where she was always going to be different. So she drove home. All the way from Canada. She called along the way and fought with Tina, who took the first flight home and was at the house waiting for Bette and Angelica when she arrived.
In the moths that followed Tina tried to get back together.
"I just made a mistake. Nothings changed. I want you Bette, I want our family."
"See that's where you're wrong. Things have changed. I don't want you anymore Tina. I can't trust you. I'd be too afraid to turn my back for fear that you'd stab me in it. I love our daughter, and I loved you Tina. But no anymore, and thing is… you made it easy on me. You made it easy to want out. Cause you, this person, is not who I fell in love with. This is not the person I made my life with, nor do I want to make my life with this person." Tina just stood there. And then…
"Like you're so perfect Bette. You're right. Maybe I'm not the same person you knew. But I'll be damed if you are going to act superior." She picked up a statue from the nearest table and threw it. It hit the wall and broke.
"Get out." Bette said. Tina grabbed Angelica.
"She's my daughter. I gave birth to her, and I'll raise her."
Bette just smiled. "Bye Angelica… see you later baby."
Tina stormed out.
It had been messy. Both of them run through the dirt, but in the end the courts had found in her favor and now, whether Tina liked it or not, she was Angelica's mother, and they shared custody. The hardest part is sharing the friends. There is no legal custody to be had, and so Alice and Jenny and everyone else meander back and forth between the two. She wasn't sure who would be here tonite.
Across the room Jenny walked in followed by Shane. They spotted Bette off to the side.
"Congratulations Bette." Jenny hugged her.
"Your home…" Bette pulled in Shane for a hug. "We'll talk later. I better mingle." She walked off. The pillar of confidence.
Shane got her and Jenny a drink and they stood looking a painting that Bette herself had done. Jenny was talking about the quality of the work, and the colors… but Shane didn't hear a word she said. Across the room, Carmen had walked in. Everything else had dissipated. She watched her for a while. Checking her watch, the one that use to be in Shane's room, she looked at the entrance and smiled. Shane followed her smile to the woman who had just walked in. She was tall, lean, with short brown hair and she smiled back. Carmen walked over to the woman and kissed her.
"That's Renee. I'm sorry." Jenny said.
"Who?" Shane could barely get the words out.
"Renee. I don't know all the details, but they've been seeing each other for a few months. I didn't know she'd be here."
Shane didn't know what to do. She wanted to hit Renee. Instead she saw a red head across the room. The girl smiled and started walking toward Shane. Jenny saw it, and simply walked away. She knew what Shane would do. In a few minutes the girl was laughing and talking quietly in a corner with Shane. Shane leaned in and whispered something to the redhead who smiled and whispered back. Jenny saw Shane watch Carmen the whole time. They were holding hands now. The red head laughed and Shane put her arm around the girl and walked out.
"She's back to her old self already I see." Bette said
They both watched them walk out. Off to the side Carmen caught a glimpse of Shane and stood immobilized watching them walk out.
Carmen scanned the room and quickly spotted Jenny and Bette and it all clicked to her. Angelica Gallery. Bette's daughter. This was Bettes gallery. Renee had wanted to go. She loved art, and had been so excited for this to open. She just never thought it would be Bette's. She'd done her best to extricate herself from the group. It was too hard. Then she'd met Renee.
She was riding her Bike, a Honda Shadow, Carmen nearly ran her off the road. When they pulled over they started talking and instead of the fight she was prepared for she ended up on the back of the bike, and they'd been seeing each other since then. She was funny, sexy, smart, and the sex… amazing. She just put aside everything with Shane. It was over. Shane was gone, but it seemed to be a case of out of site out of mind, cause all she could see now was Shane. Walking out with that girl.
"Fuck her." She said softly.
"Fuck who?" Renee asked.
"No one.. an ex. I just saw an ex of mine.. and.. nothing." She took Renee's hand and moved on. Shane would not ruin her nite.
They were barely at the car before the girl was trying to undo Shane's pants. And once in the girl's car they only made it around the corner. Putting the seat back the girl straddled Shane and started kissing her neck. Shane put her hand up the girl's shirt and started pinching her nipples. She moaned and put her hand down Shane's pants. She started playing with her clit, and Shane lay back to enjoy the feeling but every time she closed her eyes she saw Carmen,
"You think if you let a relationship close to you it will kill you."
She opened her eyes. The redhead was on top was beginning to annoy her. She pushed the girl back and put her hand up the girls skirt. She was wet and ready for Shane and she spread the girls legs and put two finger inside of her. The girl moaned and pushed against Shane's hand. Shane pushed harder into her. Harder and faster and the girl moaned louder and louder and all she could see was Carmen.
"Let's play a game."
Carmen sitting on top of her. Her hair falling down her back. Shane shook her head. But it wouldn't stop.
"Yes I'll marry you."
She stopped moving. The girl stopped also.
"What's wrong."
"I have to go." Shane was pushing the girl off.
"What?"
"I have to go."
The girl was back in her own seat. "What the fuck are you talking about, you have to go?"
Shane finished buttoning her shirt and opened the car door. The girl sat, pissed off. Shane buttoned her pants. The girl started the car. "Your one fucked up girl." She said as she peeled out. She ran her hands though her hair. And started walking home
The house was dark when she walked in. Jenny was still out. She pulled a beer out of the fridge and drank it in one long swig, then took another. She looked out the window to the studio, it was in shadows of light and dark, that gave it a sad deserted look. She tried to watch some TV but nothing could keep her interest. She turned it off and walked down the hall to her room. When she opened the door she was frozen in place. Carmen stood across the room. A stuffed penguin she had given Shane in her hands.
"Carmen…" She was cut off.
"Don't. Just…I only came here because I had to see if it was actually you that I saw tonite."
"I saw you too."
"I'm sure you couldn't see past the red hair."
"That didn't…"
"Mean anything? I'm sure. I know how that feels. To not mean anything."
"You always meant something to me."
"That's funny. Cause to the naked eye, I didn't. You didn't even care enough to tell me what was going on. You just left me there." It was silent. "Doesn't surprise me that you have nothing to say. Words never were your strong suit."
"Carmen…" Shane took a step forward, but she put out a hand. "No. I don't know why you did it. And part of me doesn't even care."
"My dad.."
"You're not your fucking father Shane. What you are is a coward. And as much as I cried, and as much as you hurt me, you don't deserve to even have this. But I need to do this if I'm going to make things work with Renee so I'm only going to say it once. I forgive you."
"What?"
"I forgive you. But don't get it twisted. I will never forget, and you will never be able to take back the way you've hurt me. So I want you to go on. Move on. Find someone who you truly love…"
"I love…."
"No you don't. Or you didn't then, and now it doesn't really matter. But this lack of closure that you left me with was killing me."
She walked past a still stunned Shane and handed her the penguin. She turned around after she passed her "Good-bye Shane." And she walked out of the room and closed the door.
In the darkness Shane could hear the front door close. She wanted to run after her. Force her to touch her. Apologize, make amends. Kiss her. Hug her. Make love to her. Tell her how she would always be the only women she ever loved… but she didn't. It was like she had cement in her boots. She looked at the stuffed animal and wanted to cry but instead ripped it in half and threw it across the room.
"Fuck!"