A.N. This has absolutely no business being posted, because I have absolutely no business writing FF when I have mountains of work to do. But I was in serious withdrawal, desperately needing to ingest some new CM storyline. And, since the video version won't hit my TV screen for a few months…well, there really was no choice…

Follows on Before I Sleep, about six months later. Best to read that one first.

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And When I Wake

Chapter 1

Spencer Reid dropped the bag of take-out Thai on his kitchen table, and walked out to the living room, intending to do the same with his messenger bag. He was exhausted, famished, and elated.

That went really well. I mean, really well. The kids were really engaged.

Eight members of the mentorship program had come for a tour of the FBI building at Quantico. The 'fledgling feds', as Morgan called them, were mostly male, but the program had acquired a few females along the way. Two of them had been among those touring the BAU and other areas of Quantico today. And one of those two females had been Meg Callahan.

It had been Kate's idea to partner the inner city school with the suburban one. "Everybody needs mentoring. And I know Meg needs to learn about how other kids live their lives. Why not a partnership mentoring program?" she'd proposed.

And, so, it had become. Reid would be ever grateful that Kate Callahan and Stephanie Rowe had stepped up to coordinate the pairing of the two schools. While his powerful IQ should have lent itself easily to the task, his personality did anything but.

"I know", Stephanie had joked, "you're the idea guy, not the 'i-dotting' or 't-crossing' guy."

He'd been embarrassed. "Well….I can, if you want me to, but…."

JJ had led a round of barely suppressed snorts. "Spence, you're the guy who forgot to load your Metro card, at the same time that you left your wallet behind, remember? That was when you…."

"Had to walk six miles to your apartment," came in a chorus, followed by good-natured chuckling.

He played wounded. "It was an honest mistake. I was just distracted. That was when Gary was in the tournament."

Reid's personal mentee, Gary Wu, had won the annual spring Chess Challenge in the DC area, after having come in a close second in the Winter Tournament. Both events had necessitated some intense coaching sessions between Reid and the young man of whom he'd grown so fond.

"And besides," he continued, "It was good exercise. Aren't you always telling me I need to get out more?" This comment directed to JJ.

She conceded. "Guilty. So, that's what it was about, huh? Exercise?"

He had to laugh. "Also guilty. I just forgot. But it all turned out okay, didn't it?"

They'd laughed about it, all four of them, as they'd planned for today's trip to the BAU. Tonight, Reid dumped his messenger bag, washed up a bit, and then brought his Pad Thai to the sofa to eat...with a fork.

He put the first bite into his mouth and leaned his head back against the sofa. Ahh. Two birds. He was alleviating his hunger and his need for rest at the same time, in blissful synchrony.

I can't believe this is me. This is my life. I haven't had a minute to read all week.

It was so unusual for him, apart from when they were away on a case. Mostly, Reid was used to spending his free time with the great minds of the past. Occasionally a contemporary author would find his way into Reid's hands, but his genius brain preferred the thinkers, and the thoughts, of old.

For the past few years, he'd been heavily engaged in discerning the meaning of life….and of his life, in particular. It wasn't an unusual task for someone of his age, but it was being carried out with unusual urgency. The loss of the only woman with whom he'd ever fallen in love….the woman whose unseen face had been at the center of all of his images of the future…. had precipitated a crisis in Reid's life. Not just the loss of Maeve, but the loss of the future he'd begun to imagine. The loss, really, of any sense that he would ever have a life beyond the confines of the one he was already living. It had taken the heart from him, brought him to a depth of depression from which he didn't know how to emerge…not that he cared to. But, gradually, time had done what it always does. It moved forward, putting distance between himself and the event, granting him perspective and a blessed numbness.

The lessening of the pain of existence had allowed him to work, and to maintain those relationships that were still in his life, even if he lacked the energy to cultivate them. Looking back, he knew he would be forever grateful for the friends who realized that, and allowed themselves to be neglected while he healed. When a sudden threat put one of those friends….his dearest….in mortal danger, he emerged from that cloud of apathy all at once, finding his purpose again, finding his heart. But, having found those, he was still finding his way.

I can't remember the last time I just spent an evening at home, alone, reading. And I need one. Badly.

The terrorism case that had nearly killed JJ, the one that had caused Reid to willingly put his own life on the line, had also introduced him to a cause. For years, he'd dabbled in playing with the chess kids, taking on something of a mentor role to some of them. But the case had shown him just how at-risk the kids were, and there was born in Reid the need to do something more. To save them before they needed saving. To give them alternatives, to show them another side of life.

He would have foundered there, not knowing how to go about it. But Stephanie Rowe had come into his life…..been brought in, actually, by JJ and Garcia…and she'd brought the answer with her. A mentorship program pairing those in the arts, and various other fields, with the kids in inner city schools. Reid seized upon the opportunity and, together with Kate Callahan, got the FBI involved. And, courtesy of his several times being in danger of death, he was able to also involve Linda Kimura and the NIH medical community.

Funny how things work.

He loaded another mouthful of Pad Thai and stared out at the cityscape through his window. The image of the buildings and lights was soon displaced by another one. His mind's eye presented Reid with the image of a woman with long dark hair. It could have been Stephanie…but it wasn't.

Can you believe it, Maeve? You knew me better than anyone. Did you ever see me doing all of this?

As it always did when he entered these conversations, Reid's heart echoed with regret, resounding through the hole left by the loss of the woman he'd loved.

She would have been happy for this. She would have embraced it. I'll bet she would have had the kids in her lab, sequencing DNA. Wouldn't you, Maeve?

She'd been taken from him by another brunette, bent on vengeance for a slight that wasn't even real. And now, she'd been replaced by yet another.

Not replaced. Stephanie isn't a replacement, Maeve. She just came after you.

Caught up at the word 'after'. Sometimes, even all this time later, he still had trouble absorbing the fact that she was gone. She'd been a presence in his life. And he'd seen her as a presence in his future. To be in that future without her, no matter his genius, was anathema to Reid.

But I know what you would say. JJ says it, too. That I have to go on. I'm still alive, so I have to live my life. When she says it, it sounds so logical. Like something I should be saying to her. And I know that you're both right. You both know me so well. Knew me….

He was following their advice, these two women who knew him so well. He was trying to live his life. Not only had he gotten involved in mentoring, but he'd been seeing Stephanie for almost six months now.

'Seeing'. There's an interesting word. Maybe I should put it the way Gary and his friends do. 'Talking to'. That's right, I'm 'talking to' Stephanie. Except that I mean it literally, and the kids…no, I don't even want to go there. I'm going to take them at their word.

He'd been a little perturbed with his friends, at first. JJ and Garcia had put his profile on 'datemybestfrienddotcom', just as Stephanie's friends had done for her. Unlike Stephanie, he'd been kept in the dark about it. When the professional cellist approached him in the park one day, and was instantly recognized by the chess kids, the two adults had gone for coffee. Profiler Reid had made short work of the ruse, but had also been too caught up in investigating the terrorist threat to make a big deal about it. And, besides, Stephanie had been interesting, and kind. And it had impressed Reid that the kids he cared about liked her.

Once the immediate threat of terror had been interrupted, they'd reconnected. Mostly he'd attended her performances, or they'd planned the mentoring program over coffee. But there had also been some long walks, and foreign films, and even a couple of long, lazy dinners. Reid felt more comfortable with Stephanie than he would have thought possible. She was easy to talk to. She listened. And she didn't press him. She seemed to know when he needed to hold back, and she let him do so.

He'd told her about Maeve, finally. She'd suspected as much, she'd said.

"I knew you must have had a loss. I could see it in you. I was familiar with the look, after having seen it in the mirror for so long."

She'd been a war widow, of sorts, married to her college sweetheart and left alone before she turned thirty.

"I was glad for my music, then. Well, I'm always glad for it. But especially then. I needed to lose myself in something, after Mark. And music….the orchestra….the travel…it was as good as anything, I guess."

They'd been finishing the night at her apartment, each settled into the far corner of the couch, holding a brandy and studying the other. A modern gas fireplace took the chill from the air.

For Reid, it was the first time he was sharing the loss of Maeve with someone who really understood it, and related to it. His friends had mourned for him but, except for his superiors, they didn't really know how to mourn with him. They hadn't known Maeve, nor their relationship. They could only see that he was hurting, and wish for it to stop. Even JJ, as much as he knew she loved him, hadn't been able to understand the way that Stephanie did.

"I know what you mean," his voice soft, reflective. "At first, I…I think I was kind of paralyzed. But then Morgan asked me about a case, and….." He looked over at Stephanie. "For a while, I wasn't able to think. I know that's something a lot of people go through. But….Steph, my whole life is in my mind. When I couldn't think…I had nothing. It scared me. It was like I was already gone, but my body wouldn't acknowledge it. If there's any such thing as a living hell, I think I was in it. Or limbo, maybe."

She smiled at him, by now familiar with his need to be precise in his vocabulary. Her smile encouraged him to go on.

"But then, Morgan called and….my brain turned back on. It went right back to work, just like that." He snapped his fingers. "And I started to function again. But it wasn't the same. It could never be the same…"

"It shouldn't, Spencer. Not for any of us. We loved. Love changes us. Maybe even more than loss."

Whenever Stephanie came up with something like that, Reid flashed on any of a million conversations with JJ. And his mother. Sometimes I think wisdom is in the X chromosome. And I only got half a dose.

He smiled his appreciation to Stephanie.

"You're right. So, no, it wasn't the same. But I was able to work. I was able to get my mind to focus on the task at hand. So, I thought like you did. Maybe if I immerse myself in work, if I help other people….maybe this crushing sensation in my chest might ease, just a little bit. Maybe I would learn how to move on from grief."

"Did it work?" Earnest curiosity in her voice, as though she was still struggling with her own situation, and still looking for the solution.

A sad smile on his face, he shook his head. "No. The only thing that helped was letting go. Rossi took me aside one time. I thought I'd been hiding things pretty well, but I guess not…"

"Comes from working with a team of profilers, doesn't it?" she teased.

He snorted. "Yeah, well, that's how messed up I was, I completely forgot about that. But Rossi saw me struggling….now that you mention it, I guess everyone else did, too….and he gave me some advice. He told me to go through it. To stop trying to avoid it, stop trying not to feel the grief. To just pass through it."

"And?"

"And it was painful all over again, but I did it. I felt as bad as I ever have in my life, but I started the long, slow climb out of the abyss."

Stephanie took a sip of her brandy. "David Rossi is a wise man."

"He is."

"And I'm sure it helped to have all the rest of your friends so close. I know my friends helped me, even when I tried to push them away."

Reid looked deep into his brandy, and saw a familiar blonde head. "JJ did that for me. She just….she just didn't give up."

Stephanie smiled and leaned forward, her glass in the air. "Here's to JJ. If not for her, we wouldn't have met."

Reid met her in the middle, and they clinked glasses. With their faces in close proximity, Stephanie said it again. "I am grateful that we met."

Reid caught the meaning in her eyes, and returned it. He put his decanter on the coffee table, and placed Stephanie's beside it. Still leaning in to one another, they hesitated for a brief second…and then brought their lips together, and kissed. It wasn't the first time. But it was the only time it hadn't happened in the process of 'goodbye'.

It was gentle, and tentative, and sweet. And so were the several that followed.

Had it not been for the mentoring program, they might have talked about this already. Might have gotten right down to business about what they each were looking for in a relationship, might have already decided if they should let theirs continue.

But the mentoring program gave them a common purpose, and brought them together outside the realm of romance, and so they'd not had to make those kinds of decisions. They'd been able to let things unfold as they would, at whatever pace that meant. And, given both of their professions, and the amount of traveling each of them did, that pace was proving to be glacial. That was fine with Reid, who hadn't been seeking out a relationship at all. Whether it was fine with Stephanie was very much in question.

"Spencer…"

"I….." Almost predictably, his cell sounded a text. He was being called in. "I'm sorry." And relieved. Maybe I'm not making progress after all.

That had been a month ago. Since then, they'd solved the problem. Settled the issue. Done the deed.

Not that I'll ever let Morgan know. He'd enjoy it too much.

Reid had struggled with it, afterward. He'd wanted Maeve to be his first. But that wasn't to be, and he knew she would have been the first to point it out. 'You can't wait a lifetime for someone who's not coming, Spencer.'

And still, he struggled with it emotionally. Not physically. But, as much as he liked Stephanie, he wasn't sure he loved her. Wasn't sure at all that he would ever be in love with her. But, he'd reasoned to himself, maybe that's because I'm getting in the way. I wasn't looking for someone, but maybe I should have been. And the fact that it wasn't my idea doesn't mean it wasn't a good one. It's just…

Or maybe he'd been treated to too many of the great literary romances in those days when his mother still read to him. Maybe he was 'holding out', looking for something that wasn't even there to be found. So, he'd let his hormones do his thinking for him, and he'd made love with Stephanie.

Had sex, his brain always corrected him. More specifically, we had intercourse. And it was…..great. But I don't know that I would call it 'making love'.

Whatever his brain wanted to call it, it had broken some unseen barrier between them, and they were generally more physical with one another. Touchy, as Garcia would say. It took Reid a little while to feel comfortable with it, but he'd gotten there, and now it seemed natural to hold her hand, or put an arm around her shoulder. And still, there was a distance that he didn't know how to explain.

Maybe I keep it there. Maybe I'm too reserved. Maybe I need to change. But I don't know how. And, if I'm honest, I don't really want to.

Not that she was asking it of him. Stephanie had her own reserve. Reid couldn't help but wonder if she wasn't feeling some of the same guilt about betraying her husband as he'd felt about betraying Maeve, that first time he and Stephanie had gone for coffee. Maybe she's not really ready, either.

But, for now, being 'not ready' together was a companionable way to be, and they enjoyed one another's company. But Reid also enjoyed those times when Stephanie was touring with the orchestra, and he could be left to the company of his books. There just hadn't been enough of those times lately.

And I'm overdue for a visit with Henry. I had to cancel on him last week because of the tournament. I'll work it out with JJ for the weekend.

Work, Stephanie, the mentoring program, Gary, Henry…..all clamoring for his attention.

My life sure went from 'empty' to 'full' in a hurry. Isn't there a happy 'half-a–tank'?

But the last thing he was going to do was complain about having been shown the purpose he'd been seeking for his life. Not tonight. Not when he could get a few hours of much needed sleep.

Maybe I can get up early and read...