Great Deku Tree, How Were we Born?
"It was a normal day in Forest Haven, like any other. The Deku Tree sat calmly, well… where he always is. He's a tree, after all, so he can't mo-"
"Get on with the story, Link!" shouted one hylian kid in the small crowd before him.
"Yeah, we know that already!" proclaimed another child, scratching his blonde- nearly yellow- hair and looking up at Link with expectant blue eyes.
Link sighed, wishing he'd never volunteered for story time for such nagging, demanding kids. He figured a story should be detailed to be worth hearing.
"Alright, alright! So, the Great Deku Tree sat, relaxing as his korok "children" played elsewhere. Now, koroks are little wooden creatures that-"
Link hesitated as all of the kids in front of him shot him an icy glare. Swallowing anxiously, he continued.
"Anyways, peace only lasts for so long, especially when all of the koroks are at the Forest Haven, not nurturing trees elsewhere. The unmistakable sound of jingling- or rattling, if you prefer- came closer, signaling the koroks' return. They were all chattering excitedly about something, the sounds of all their voices put together with everything else making the conversation incoherent."
"Why won't you tell us what they were talking about?!?!" shouted the brown-haired kid who had shouted earlier.
"Uh… Entering plot device, dummy!" exclaimed the blond-haired kid next to him, palming the boy's forehead V8 style.
"…Right," Link continued, feeling him self get more agitated. "I'll just… go on then."
"They had come from the outside of Forest Haven and seemed to be approaching the giant lily pad on which you stepped in order to speak with the Deku Tree. I wonder what they're going to ask about, the Deku Tree thought to himself. Probably something completely trivial…
Eventually, the koroks managed to-" Link saw one of his gauntlets that he had set on his lap fall to the floor. "Shit…" he muttered, leaning down to pick it up.
"Why did the koroks have trouble shitting? 'Cuz you said that they 'Finally managed to…' " The brown-haired boy asked with a completely straight face.
"Were they constipated?" questioned the blond-haired one again, nodding in agreement with the other boy.
Link face palmed for a second, uttering 'where is this generation going', before he continued.
"Eventually, the koroks managed to reach the leaf. It lifted under their feet… things… and they all quieted down for a moment.
'What is it, my children?' the Deku Tree questioned, wondering what in Hyrule they were doing.
'Great Deku Tree!' a small voice piped up, coming from a turnip-shaped korok with a leaf-mask that looked like an upside-down heart. 'How were we born?'"
Link hesitated uncertainly, wondering if he should just stop there. With a quick shrug of his shoulders, he decided to continue.
"The Great Deku Tree was flustered. Hylian children asked that, not koroks! He felt his leaves ruffle in embarrassment as he paused. What would he tell them, that storks brought them? Storks were extinct, for Nayru's sake! In short, he was more frantic than usual.
'W-well,' he breathed, trying to procrastinate, 'Why would you want to know that…?'
'Did you have sex?' piped another high-pitched voice, coming from the korok know as Linder.
'Duh! I mean, you have to sleep with someone to have children, Dumbass!' shouted the medicine korok, Hollo."
Link rolled his eyes. I'm so getting fired for this, he thought, amused to himself as he saw the children in front of him looking on in both horror and interest.
"Needless to say, the Deku Tree was horrified, amazed, and embarrassed to death. He was trying to find words, but all that came out was a squeaky 'Eh… ah… uh… oh…'
'It's okay, Great Deku Tree," gushed the first korok again. 'We just wanted to know how exactly… y'know…'
'And who your Special Someone was!' Linder added, shying away slightly when a few leaves turned brown and fell to the ground.
'He sure is getting worked up about this…' whispered Hollo, glancing nervously at the flustered tree.
'W-w-well, f-first of all!' the Deku Tree half-breathed, half-shouted. 'D-don't say dumbass, Hollo… P-please…'
The korok shrugged. 'Whatever,' he said.
'A-and, w-well… Oh my goddesses…' he groaned, unable to speak any more.
Linder chuckled, and all of the koroks turned to him. 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' he laughed, obviously amused. 'But it's just that… the Deku Tree had to go through labor for every one of us! Poor guy…'
'No, no, no, you've got it wrong!' Makar, the first korok proclaimed. 'The woman is the one who goes through labor, dumbass…"
"You can't say dumbass, Makar…" Hollo said quietly.
"Whatever, asshole…"
Meanwhile the Deku Tree felt like he was being strangled. Why me? He thought, feeling light-headed and about to faint. WHY ME?!?!?!
'You sh-shouldn't say d-dumbass either, Makar…' he squeaked, finally finding the courage in his, er, flusteredness, to go on. 'And, um… no. About your earlier question I mean…' Oh, goddesses, I'm starting to sound like a bumbling fool! 'And… uh… there was no "Female Tree" either…'
'Ahhh… so he DID go through labor for us!'
'But how did he get the egg? Male pregnancy is for fanfictions, Linder.'
'GAAAAAHH!' the tree's exasperated shout made all of the koroks flinch. 'Yipes! What is it, Great Deku Tree?' Makar asked urgently, gasping. 'OH GODDESSES, I THINK ANOTHER ONE'S COMING!!! HE'S HAVING A CON-'
'NO! NO IT'S NOT THAT!' The tree stuttered rather loudly. 'By goddesses, why did THIS subject come up, anyhow?'
'Well, we learned all of this stuff, so it made us wonder…' Hollo said quietly, his eyes shifting to his cave… thing.
'Learned all of this? From whom?!?!'
'From the… um… tell-eh-vij-onn…" Makar sounded out all of the syllables of "television".
'Television?!?!' the tree gasped, astounded as to how something from 1929 had magically teleported to the Forest Haven. 'Who gave you that?'
'Link did!' exclaimed Linder, jumping excitedly. 'And it has the best shows! Like Family Guy, South Park, Tim and Eric…'
*Bang, bang, bang, bang!!! *
'Uhhh, guys?' Makar said hesitantly, backing away from the Deku Tree, 'Why the hell is the Great Deku Tree banging his head against the wall?'
* BANG, BANG, BANG, BANG!!!*
'Maybe we should just… leave…' Hollo whispered, backing away slowly. 'I think it would be better for all of us…'
'Good point' laughed Linder. 'I think this has all been too much for our Father…'
'Helicopters away!' Hollo shouted, noting that the Great Deku Tree was too preoccupied with banging his head against the wall the lower the lilypad.
As the koroks flew down and waddled away, mixed in with the bang, bang, bang of the Deku Tree's head, a sound eminated from Hollo's cave.
'YOU KILLED KENNY, YOU BASTARD!'"
The room in which Link told the story was silent. Every child stared up at Link with wide, unbelieving eyes. The silence went on for a moment more, until the blond boy began clapping. The brown-haired boy joined him, and soon applause swept through the room.
"Beautiful, Mr. Link!" shouted the brown-haired boy. "That was the best story I've ever heard! I am so telling my parents about it!"
Before Link could protest, a call came from the hall outside, saying that storytime was over. Link watched, astounded but amused, as the kids began to flow out the door. Link stood up, ready to leave, when there was a slight tug on his tunic. He glanced down the see blondey.
"Link," the blonde kid questioned, his eyes curious. "How ARE babies made?"
Link paused, then grinned kindly down at the boy. "Well, you see…"
To cut a long story short, Link was fired from his job.