It's infertility awareness week in the USA so I guess the logical thing to do was write a fanfiction? But seriously, sending my love to anyone struggling with infertility. Chapter 2 is almost finished, I'm just not happy with it yet. This would be a few years after episode 9 and things are hunky dory for Rey and Ben except for this struggle. Thx for reading.

Silent tears burned down Rey's cheeks.

There would be no babies. Her shoulders slumped as she stared at the ground. She felt out of control, hopeless, and alone.

They had been so, so careful to be sure not to conceive until the galaxy was the most stable it had been in a long time. Actually - Rey scoffed - there had been the one time Ben was still known as Kylo Ren and they weren't careful at all. Now she knew they needn't have worried. She was the broken one. The one with bad eggs - no amount of time in the bacta tank could fix that.

Rey wanted to break the cycle of fragmented family dynamics in both her and Ben's family histories. She never wanted their children to feel abandoned, lonely, or unloved. Now it looked like the Skywalker legacy would end because of her. It was such a bitter irony. Ben had almost lost himself as Kylo Ren and died because of it...but no, his family line ended with her barrenness. Rey felt betrayed by her body. As if even though she and Ben found each other she was not deserving of anything or anyone more.

"You know absolutely none of that is true," Ben spoke softly, walking into their bedroom. Her despair and sadness was overwhelming. "There are other ways to have a family," his hand rested on her shoulder as he sat next to her on the bed. It killed him that she even gave a damn about some stupid legacy.

"Those ways are for other people," Rey answered through clenched teeth, "Don't you want to look at someone's face and see you and me there? Now we never will. Because of me. How can you be so okay with this?"

Ben winced. He was not "okay," but there was no other choice but acceptance. An icy terror gripped him that she might never reach that point. For the last two years she had carefully tracked when they should try to conceive and anticipated a positive each time: only to be let down again and again. This seemed to be the final blow to her psyche. Would he have loved biological children? Of course. How could the galaxy not be a better place with more mini-Reys? But Rey, the love of his life, was in real pain right now. Their theoretical children did not exist. Rey's well being was his concern above all else. She sighed and turned towards him.

"You don't understand because you are not the problem. You don't have something wrong with you."

Ben snorted. Nothing 'wrong' with him? Yeah...he has been a real treat when they first met.

"No Ben," she shook her head, sensing his thoughts, "this is not the same. You pulled yourself to the light, towards balance. There is nothing to help or fix this. Nothing to fix me." Her voice broke and she buried her face in his chest. He held her like that for a long time. He loved how she fit so perfectly in his arms and after a while he pulled back, using a finger to lift her chin towards his face.

"Rey, " he said gently, "I don't know what the right thing to say is, but know this...I love you very much. I always will. This does not change who you are or define you," Ben stopped her as she began to protest, "Grieve for as long as you need, I will be here for you. Always. But I need you to understand that I never thought you would have me. Sometimes it scares me to death that you haven't left me yet because it feels too good to be true. Can't you see Rey? As long as I am with you, I consider everything else a bonus. We will get through this together."

A tired smile played on Rey's face. Ben's compassion was her favorite thing about him. She leaned in and kissed him, really kissed him, and felt his arms circle around her waist. Sex had become so clinical that having it for fun seemed like a chore. Now, more than ever, she wanted to lose herself in his embrace.