Summary: I really liked how my previous parody songfic, Beheaded, turned out so I decided to make another similar one. This one explains Ron's slow and painful death, and goes to "Burn It Up", also by The Offspring (who kick ass).
Disclaimer: Ladies and Gentlemen! Welcome to the disclaimer. That's right, the disclaimer! This American Apple Pie institution known as Parental Discretion will cleanse any sense if innuendo or sarcasm from the lyrics which might actually make you think, and will also insult your intelligence at the same time! So, protect your family! This album contains explicit depictions of things which are REAL! These REAL things are commonly known as LIFE! So, if it sounds sarcastic, don't take it seriously. If it sounds dangerous, do NOT try this at home, or at all! And if it offends you, just... don't... listen to it! – The Offspring. Anyway, I don't own Harry Potter. End of Story.
WARNING: The following content contains a lot of innocent people dying painful deaths. It also contains many swear words and biased thoughts. If this content offends you, just… don't… read it!
Harry Potter and Ron Weasley had been friends for a very long time. But as it is in every friendship, there are always petty little arguments over small unimportant things. It was during one of these that Harry got especially pissed at Ron and decided to go to extreme measures.
It all started out like this:
One time when Ron had come over to Harry, which is by no means not a special occurrence as it happens almost daily, he was humming a new song. Since it was unlike Ron to be humming any sort of music at all, Harry asked him what he was singing. Ron enthusiastically replied that he had discovered this great new band called Good Charlotte and that they rock.
Hearing this, Harry burst into a fit of anger (quite rightfully, I might add). "GOOD CHARLOTTE SUCK ASS!" he shouted, "THEY'RE FUCKIN' WANNABE PUNKERS, AND THEY SHOULD GO TO HELL 'CAUSE THEY ARE INFESTING THE WORLD WITH THEIR SHITTY MUSIC!"
Failing to see the truth and rightfulness in Harry's very democratic argument, Ron started shouting back at him, and would not be swayed. Eventually he simply ran out the door in frustration and secluded himself in his house, which was a couple blocks down.
Meanwhile, Harry was fuming. Why did Ron have to be so stubborn? Why couldn't he see that Good Charlotte simply SUCK? Harry starting feeling a burning sensation inside him. How Ron think that that Good Charlotte have even a little bit of talent? How can ANYONE think that? The burning sensation was growing, and with it Harry's anger towards Ron. He felt like hurting Ron, and all the years they had been friends were forgotten. His mind immediately filled with thoughts involving fire, and a certain Weasley burning in the fire. It didn't take much time for Harry to decide how he was going to execute his revenge for Ron.
I think I'm burning up inside
I think I'll take a little ride
I'll light up everything in sight
Oh…
Harry got in his car and started making his way down the street till he got to the house that said "Weasley" on the sign in the front yard. Harry parked the car, got out, and opened the hood. He took out a bottle which he had prepared earlier, and as he was holding it in his hand a smile formed on his lips. With a malicious grin, Harry turned toward the house…
Yeah, I'll drive on by your yard
Throw a Molotov cocktail at your car
Then another one in the local bar
Oh
Ignition
They call it an obsession
I think it's kinda bitchin'
I think it's kinda neeeaaattt
Yeah, I'm a pyro
I wanna burn it up
Yeah, I'm a pyro!
Smiling happily, Harry looked at his successful accomplishment. The entire house was burning, and he could hear Ron's screams from within. But then, Harry saw that the fire was spreading to the other houses, and that soon the whole neighborhood would be on fire. But rather than worry Harry, this pleased him even more, and he started dancing in the firelight like a madman.
Tonight this 'hood will be a pyre
I'm gonna set your house on fire
Dance around the pretty flames
Such a wonderful game!
I wanna make a tiki torch
I'm gonna throw it on your porch
Then I'm gonna run away
And come back another day
Ignition
They call it an obsession
I think it's kinda bitchin'
I think it's kinda neeeaaattt
Yeah, I'm a pyro
I wanna burn it up
Yeah, I'm a pyro!
Harry soon realized that this would not fulfill his fiery hunger. He wanted more; he wanted MASS destruction. Harry wasted no time and drove off to other burnable neighborhoods.
So many houses
So little time
So many reasons
I'm not a crime
I'd like to set you up
I'd like to set you up!
Harry realized he had found a new hobby. He decided to do this every day from now on for the rest of his life. Burning to death, he found out, was one of the most painful ways to die (and he had no doubt that the pain that Ron himself had experienced was severely excruciating). And he enjoyed hearing the screams. But the best part was seeing the flames lick the sky. It certainly was a very beautiful site.
Ignition
They call it an obsession
I think it's kinda bitchin'
I think it's kinda neeeaaattt
Yeah, I'm a pyro
I wanna burn it up
Yeah, I'm a pyro
I wanna burn it up
Yeah, I'm a pyro!
Yeah, I'm a pyro!
Yeah, I'm a pyro!
The moral of the story: Good Charlotte suck major cock, and anyone who says otherwise should die a horrible painful death.